hot summer

Li Zhong Xian

Fooooood.

Li Zhong Xian went up to the cashier, eyes wide and breathing heavily, moving like a pro wrestler in a pride or death match. It didn't matter if it looked horrendously out of place; it was showing just how absolutely pumped he was for this. Food was Serious Business. It had to be met head on, it had to be tackled to the ground and totally devoured. This food was his food -once he forked over the cash for it- and God help anybody who got in his way.

Except that blond kid. He was cool. And there was no overlooking that special connection which formed between two psychotic food lovers when they were going in for the kill.

THE KIIIIILLLLLLL.

...Okay, that was kind of weird.

But God, he didn't know how he wasn't salivating all over the place. The grill was clearly in view, with some cook creating delicious morsels of delicious. Li Zhong Xian didn't even bother looking at the menu. He just took out his money and slammed it onto the nearest flat surface between him the delicious, staring at his food intensely. Make no mistake, it was his. The cook just didn't know it yet.

"Gimme the good stuff," he said eerily, in the exact same tone that people would use to ask for drugs. "Meat. Cheese. Stuff between. Give it to me. Now. All of it."

Li Zhong Xian

His lungs were full with the scent of fried, greasy, completely unhealthy foods, each individual aroma working frantically to overpower the others as the cook threw assorted bits of meats and vegetables onto the grill. Before his hungry eyes, that quivering meat slowly -too slowly- turned into beautiful hunks of firm, still slightly flushed morsels from heaven. For a man who hadn't had a decent meal in a month, the intoxicating scent almost drove Li Zhong Xian to a stage of supreme happiness where he could already taste the flavors dancing on his tongue and imagine the juices from the meat trickling down his throat and face. The urge to stuff his mouth full was urgent and burning.

He looked down into Taemin's loving gaze, meeting it was an intense, passionate stare and knowing that this was a person who had already reached the coveted yet temporary nirvana of satiation. Yes, there they were, two kindred souls who could really seriously appreciate the ultimate pleasure in life which was Food. Enviously, Li Zhong Xian studied the boy's stretched cheeks, making wild guesses at how much food was secreted there. A pound, two pounds. More? Who even knew. He breathed heavily to himself, heart pounding steadily, assuring himself that soon, soon.

The man watched as the cook went about packaging the food in what seemed to be slow motion. Even though he wanted to groan and shout at him to get on with it, there was a certain sacredness and beauty to seeing the process carry itself out. After what seemed like an eternity, a white bag was held out to Li Zhong Xian from over the counter. He took the plastic in his hand, twisting the material in his fist, transfixed by the bulge of the food containers against it. But he wasn't done yet, no. There was something else left for the experience to be complete. Something absolutely critical.

Making eye contact, Li Zhong Xian whispered breathily, "Mayonnaise." The s escaped his lips as an excited hissing sound. Out of fear or perhaps reverence for this ultimate devotion to gluttonous lust, a fat bottle was produced, with no extra charge even requested for it. The man received it with both hands clutching it so tightly that the poorly sealed top began to slowly ooze out.

Yesssssssssssssss.

Now where was there to sit? Oh, it didn't even matter! He seated himself right against the side of the food hut, out enough of the way of other potential customers. There, his hands tore open the annoying, always in the way plastic barrier that kept him from what he badly wanted and needed. Taking a loaded hamburger in one hand, he used the other to apply a generous amount of mayonnaise. Shamelessly, Li Zhong Xian opened his mouth as wide as possible and plunged the burger in. As he did, he could feel the white, slippery substance slide out through the corners of his mouth and drip onto his clothes but that was entirely irrelevant and overpowered by that delicious sense of fulfillment that was now working its way to his stomach.

Li Zhong Xian

He, of course, could see the horrified looks on the faces of those poor, oblivious bystanders, they who could not understand this elevating, carnal passion for food. Initially priding his own ability to perceive this beautiful gift to man, Li Zhong Xian immediately afterwards felt pity for their ignorance. For a few moments, he was torn between going out into coldness of oblivion and introducing this hidden, perfect world to those people there or staying in this comfortable oasis of gluttony by the side of a fellow food enlightened individual.

But then there was Taemin coming in closely, the light in his eyes recognizable as pure food lust. The man continued chewing on his hamburger, even as his young friend licked up the mayonnaise that was spilling out of the corner of his mouth. The feel of the boy's tongue on his face was slightly off putting but it also served to reassure him of the fact that they were indeed kindred souls, united by a common goal - to fill their stomachs with ludicrous amounts of delicious goodness all while showing the outside world what it was missing out on.

In defiance, he held up his hamburger to a group of gawking onlookers, displaying the missing chunk like a proud conquest. Grease and mayonnaise dripped slowly out from between the moist buns, pooling together in spots on the ground. This was the ultimate meaning of life, he conveyed silently, publicly molesting the bread to further highlight the gloriousness of what was inside. Watching the dripping fluid, the man was suddenly struck by inspiration. But was he really going to act on it? Was he really going to give in to selfishness, taking away what others had before they even knew that there were ways of properly enjoying them?

Well, yeah! That's what pirates did! And he was a pirate. Li Zhong Xian was, yes.

Turning to his companion, having formed their new goal, he said solemnly, "I don't think these people believe enough in the mayonnaise. We should liberate it from them all. The entire island!" Already, he was starting to build this fantastical dream of a perfect world of mayonnaise and food married together, with none of those oblivious people looking on and going You know, mayonnaise is like eighty percent fat, right? Riiiight?

But a part of him still registered that as somewhat mean, so he explained, "I'm a pirate, you know. Doing pirate-y things. Yeah. You should help me. And be a pirate." He took another massive bite of his hamburger, chewing contentedly.

Li Zhong Xian

The man swallowed, feeling as if he had finally discovered the meaning of life. It could have been any number of things -the hamburger, the mayo, the fellow crazed foodie- but now it seemed like there was this veil suddenly taken off of his mind, making it absolutely, crystal clear that all of the mayonnaise on this island rightfully belonged to them. And anybody else who truly could appreciate the glorious condiment -but as long as those people were going to put their heads down and be just quiet about it, that was kind of a betrayal in its own way, wasn't it? How dare they be ashamed of such a wonderful gift to a world!

Fuming silently to himself, Li Zhong Xian nodded at Taemin’s agreement, pleased to have found such a reasonable, grounded ally in his newfound campaign against the mayonnaise doubting legions. “We’ll be the best mayonnaise pirate team ever,” he vowed solemnly as he devoured his burger and moved on to another. “But first we need a plan. And a crew. Or, actually, no. We don’t need no crew to slow us down.” With only a pair, there would be better communication, too. No having to play this long winded game of telephone with each other.

There was a hazy checklist of things going through the man’s mind, which could more or less be summed up as 1) Find mayonnaise 2) Take mayonnaise 3) ??? 4) Profit. It was completely, utterly, foolproof. Li Zhong Xian was sure of it. The mayonnaise was speaking to him through his burger and it was telling him wonderful, beautiful things. Surely it would not deceive him!

Sagely, he announced, “We must consult the mayo for our first move.” Taking a fresh burger, he carefully arranged it so both halves of the bun were spread out on the greasy wrapper, patty and lettuce on the bottom bun, tomato, onions, and pickles on the other. Then, holding the mayonnaise bottle over the food like a priest about to make a sacrifice, he let the white substance splatter all over.

He glanced at the patterns, studying them, looking for hints of what the divine mayo intended for them to do before offering it to his fellow disciple to consult.

Li Zhong Xian

Meanwhile, Li Zhong Xian was swept up in his own world of fantasy, new elements cropping up in his head as the readings of the divine mayonnaise made things more and more clear. First, they were going to have to take over a lake. Probably the one by Starlight Academy, because that was convenient and nobody was going to stop them from doing things with it. God only knew that the place had seen worse than a mayonnaise revolution. So. Absolutely the perfect location. All they had to do was find some way to make the lake not a lake and then turn back into a lake, this time with maybe a hundred tons of mayonnaise. Finding that amount of mayonnaise was a whole different issue but Li Zhong Xian was sure that the solution would come to them if they just waited long enough and trusted hard enough.

As Taemin held his head, the man’s eyes widened. A palace of mayo, a kingdom of mayo, an island of mayo. He already been thinking the same thing but saying those words out loud gave every dream an unbelievable weight of reality. It’s happening. This is actually happening. Li Zhong Xian was in awe of how a humble thought could bloom into such a lively –what was the word for it? Some word for a thing that was too good to be true but was miraculously existing anyways. Miracle. Maybe that was what he was going to have to fall back on.

He lunged forward as the boy swooned, taking a hold of his shoulders. Nodding vigorously with images of mayonnaise heaven in his head, he said “I agree with you completely! Let’s start with the lake by the Academy first. Just imagine it! A lake full of mayonnaise to baptize the worthy before each crusade for the cause! It gives us this, this thing. People like ceremonies and we need to have one because it shows that unlike some people, we’re serious mayonnaise pirates who mean what we say and say what we mean.”

“There has to be some other people who feel the same way.” It was impossible that the mayonnaise would create only two people who truly understood the way of the mayo and how to properly appreciate it. “We thought that we were the only ones, but what if all the others are just being oppressed? What if somewhere out there, there’s a whole colony of mayo lovers who are being forced to deny its perfection? We can’t just let that happen, can we?” The blood was already pumping in his veins and his entire body felt ready to go out and beat down some horrible, awful mayo oppressors.