The walls have eyes, the doors have ears

Woody McDoorson

The door giggled to herself as she translocated another unsuspecting student to a different part of the building. It was probably awfully inappropriate of her but Woody sent him through the floors and walls and dumped him into a girls' bathroom. She had checked the floor plans maybe five years ago for updates and she could sense the pipes in the walls whenever she sent people passed them so she knew for certain that was where he ended up. And if she remembered correctly, then she had just set him standing up in a sink. Hopefully there wasn't anybody using it but even if there was, Woody supposed that it kind of wasn't her problem anyways.

Although, the fact that she had actually done that was probably a good indication of just how bored she was. Being a stationary object, sure, she was perfectly used to things being monotonous. But it didn't mean that she had to like it. A few years back -or maybe it was decades, it was hard to tell- Woody had heard some talk of putting up security cameras all around the school. If anybody bothered to ask her opinion on that, she would have said something like PLEASE GOD, DO IT and then have begged them to set up the surveillance room behind her. It wasn't like she had anything to do and that way, the Academy wouldn't have needed to hire another person to look after it all. It was a good deal, right? Woody thought so but nooooo.

Nobody asked her about anything. So. Whatever. At least she could literally sleep the years away. If she hadn't been able to do that, she was sure that she would have become insane a long, long time ago. Maybe she would do that later if nobody interesting came her way in the next day or say. Or, more accurately, anybody in general.

I should ask somebody to move me to a room that people actually use. The door supposed that she could put off translocating people just long enough for them to do that. Or maybe she should just stop translocating people such long distances. If she kept them around on the floor, they'd probably be more liable to come back immediately.

Yeah, I guess I'll try that with the next person who comes by. If she remembered to. It could be weeks until somebody did.

Woody McDoorson

Astonishingly enough, somebody actually did come by the third floor. And before Woody decided to take a year long nap, too! If a door could perk up, this door would have done that. Since they couldn't, though, Woody settled for chanting incessantly in her head. Er. Upper paneling. Mind. Whatever. COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON. STOP IN FRONT OF THE CRAZY DOOR. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO. Because who was she kidding? She was completely nuts by that point, or so people often assumed. Since it was kind of a fun idea to entertain, Woody just ran with it.

OH YES. He stopped! Right in front of her! And she didn't recognize him! This was the best day in her immediate memory ever! Kind of. It was really, really slow day. Technically all of them were slow days now but this was especially slow because Woody thought it was.

HEY, HEY. CAN YOU HEAR ME? She thought at that person really hard, hoping but not expecting him to be able to. You should touch me. You really should. The door tried to think that proposition as alluringly as possible, going off of that one time a couple of teenagers unknowingly managed to get past her by only touching the doorknob... And then proceeded to have really awful sex in the room behind her. Like, really awful. The girl squeaked too much and the boy was too loud and creepy and kept alternating between romantic phrases and almost parental lines and Woody had a clear view of everything. It was just- ick. Zero out of ten. Definitely.

But since the door was a door, there was absolutely nothing creepy about Woody at all. AT ALL.

Still, she couldn't help but feel a little let down by his complete non reaction. Sure, she looked like any other door, but. It had been a boring month.

Woody McDoorson

So, after having given up the situation completely for dead, Woody was absolutely delighted to hear those magic words. YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M NOT A NORMAL DOOR, she thought as hard as she could. If the door had been able to sweat, then it definitely would have been doing so from the effort of maybe, maybe not communicating with something, somebody other than the dust bunnies.

Please? Woody tried to get across with a desperate vibe. Just touch the Woody -I mean. The wood. Touch the wood so I can send you on a magical journey of epic proportions. No joke. Completely free of charge. A one way trip to wherever the hell Woody McDoorson feels like in the next ten seconds.

Although, speaking of one way trips. There was this itchy thing suddenly on her, which was really impressive because. Woody. Wood. Woody. Maybe it was a spider. Without another thought, she relocated the thing downstairs. The door didn't mind spiders from time to time -but only if they weren't on her.

Woody McDoorson

She was ready. Absolutely prepared. With the amount of mental focusing she had been doing, Woody was completely, one hundred and ten percent certain that she could juggle elephants with her mind if she wanted to. She just needed to get some elephants, for starters. Dancing elephants. In pink tutus. Riding unillamas.

(There were some strange, strange beings passing through the school and Woody was witness to far too many of them.)

And then, the guy actually reached out and touched her! Only not really! GOSH DARN IT NO WHY STOOOOP! Why did she even have a doorknob? Why couldn't somebody just hurry up and remove it already? Maybe it would hurt, maybe it wouldn't but she was losing valuable amusement to that thing since it was the only part of her that wouldn't translocate somebody.

Woody McDoorson

Finally, they were getting somewhere! WHY YES I DO KNOW MORSE CODE THANK YOU SIR. Way back in the day, some previous teachers had taught her it so that she could no stay silent about mucking up people's days by sending them to distant parts of the school. But that was besides the point.

The door had screamed that last bit in her mind so of course, nobody heard it. But it made her feel a hundred and thirty percent better, which was. Which was a completely made up figure and didn't really mean anything. But again, it made her feel better.

Sending tiny vibrations to the doorknob, Woody began to tap out in code. "hi im the door and im talking to you okay. so you better listen up because god help you all if i have to spend another decade without really talking to anybody. i swear i will become the god of doors and haunt all the doors in this school."

It was important to note that the door was made of mahogany, which was redwood. Therefore, it was only logical that Woody's speed at tapping Morse code would be three times faster than normal.