If I Sing to the Rain, Would the Clouds Break?

"Lochlann... You don't understand me... I can't give you more sedatives, you don't know how scared I was when you were sleeping and I had to constantly listen if your heart was still beating..."

He blinked at her slowly, and then a small smile made it's way onto his face. He was really honestly touched. He was just really hurting, too.

'You...you did that for me?" he asked. He started and stopped his next sentence a lot. "You're sweet, angel, but I'm..."

He grabbed onto the blankets, his fingers turning white while he grasped them. He sat up again suddenly, pulling his head down low, trying anything to get his breathing back under control.

"Lochlann please, just calm down, you don't need sedatives, just... just clear your head please... "

"I...I can't," he said, and though he was keeping his voice even, there was an undisguised note of panic in there.

Nothing was working. Christ. His chest hurt, and his mouth felt thick and cottony, like he'd drank too much.

"Addy please I'm not...I'm not doing okay right now," he gasped. He didn't realize he had one of his hands pressed to his heart, which was moving far too slowly for the level of dizziness rushing through his head. He was starting to sweat. "I need that' in that drawer."

He made another feeble attempt at standing and this time managed to make it a few more steps before he collapsed again. He was not learning from his mistakes.

"Why the hell are you using this...?"

"It's...stronger," he gasped. He was on his hands and knees, and eventually even that gave out and he was just lying on the floor. He had a sinking feeling that this was not a panic attack, but he didn't know how to tell her this.

Suddenly, he was back in his bed. God damn this girl must be strong. If he could remember this in the morning, he'd have to do something really nice to her.

She was holding the syringe and Lochlann's eyes widened, but he could barely focus on her. His heart wouldn't race no matter how panicked he got, and his chest was killing him. He was torn between the pure need for what was in that syringe and also the sheer, uncontrollable fear of, well, not having control of that needle.

"Stay put, Lochlann. I'm giving it to you, okay? Here.". "I'm still not so sure about this... Let me... assist you at least."

"Nononnonnonono," Lochlann pleaded. "I can...I can do it. Don't like, when other people do it. Too much, like hospital."

He was gasping in between each word. If she put her hand on his chest, Lochlann was afraid she'd drop the needle and call the hospital. Part of him thought that, maybe, he needed to go.

He refused to harbor that thought.

"I'm so sorry Addy, I'm just," he gripped the sheets again, tilting his head back. His skin was flushed and feverish. "not good. i'm bad. i'm really, really bad. I just want to sleep this off. I'm so sorry."

"Lochlann please stay still and calm down... How can you even do it if you're so... drugged..? Ngh, I can't believe I'm in this situation..."

He tried to apologize but he couldn't get any sound out of his throat. Every one of his movements seemed to take ten years. Part of him realized that she was crying and that hurt him worst than the burning, aching feeling in his chest.

"I'm so sorry," he managed, but it was slurred to the point where it was almost indecipherable.

He wanted to tell her that he did this for her, so he wouldn't find himself at her place at night, during the rain, begging her for him to come watch the storm clouds along the lake with him. He'd dreamt about drowning her twice now, and he was afraid that one more time is all it'd take for his dreams to come true. He wanted nothing more than to never dream again.

He hated that he was doing this to her.

He hated that he couldn't take her in his arms and stroke her hair and hold her and tell her that everything would be okay. He felt the exact opposite of okay. Lochlann fumbled in the bed next to him. He found his borrowed cell phone and it took every ounce of everything he had left in him. He pried Addy's fingers off the syringe and replaced it with the phone.

He said the one word that was the closest thing to a death sentence he had: "Call."

Then he jammed the needle into his arm again. His body collapsed in on itself and he went limp in the bed, his other hand briefly grazing her own. He'd stopped breathing even before he finished pushing down the end

Lochlann had never died before.

He didn't think that's what was happening now, only that he was having a very long, very unpleasant dream where everything hurt and that Addy was crying and he couldn't do anything to help her.

Eventually, even that faded into the dull, heavy darkness. If before the darkness was comfortable, this one was suffocating. It pressed in on him, clawing at his throat, pushing at his chest, making every attempt to claw it' way down his throat.

Outside of the darkness, Lochlann's body was still limp before Adelene. He'd finally completely relaxed, like this was the first good sleep he'd had in a long time.

Waking up was going to be hell.

He'd been in the hospital before and he thought that was bad, but he'd never had his stomach pumped. He'd probably have to be restrained again because he wouldn't stop fighting them. The IV's stressed him out. He didn't want to sit through another suicide watch. He wasn't trying to kill himself. He hated that he'd done this to himself, but worse--he hated that he'd done it to Addy.

The EMT's would ask Addy a lot of questions when they arrived and saw the syrninge still in his hand--what did he take, how long ago, describe any symptoms, the normal sort of questions.

He still wanted to kiss her.

That was the thought on his mind. He seemed to fight them every step of the way as they tried to get his heart beating again. When the first flickerings of life started to pass through him, he managed to say the same three words over and over again.

"I'm sorry, Addy, I'm sorry, Addy, I'm--"

One of the EMT's would be speaking to Addy seriously, asking her if she planned on coming with them.

The last thing Lochlann remembered before passing out again was grabbing her hand.