First Session: Nova

Sometimes--not often, but sometimes--Valli had to fight the urge to be amused. It happened sometimes with the younger students, with those who were new to the islands. With the ones who acted like Nova was, right then.

Even so, he kept a straight face anyway.

"That isn't murder," he said simply. Therapists didn't often speak in absolutes, but at times it was important to do just that, to lay down the law when someone was so far from the truth they couldn't see it anymore.

"To abandon those who you could save is a bad thing, and it is absolutely something you can regret. But to call it murder or genocide and to act as if you chose to cause their death does both you and them a disservice. On the average day I will see two or three murderers in my office. People who killed, whether because circumstances demanded it, or by accident. Some chose to kill, and while the fact that they sit with me for sessions means they might have regretted it, there's a world of difference between someone who chooses, of their own free will, to take a life, and someone who chooses to save their own life rather than risking their life to save others."

Valli considered stopping for a moment, and then decided it was better to carry on.

"Even more so that you were only thirteen years old. A thirteen year old can't be held responsible for choosing to save themselves. Even adults, faced with a similar choice--to risk their life to help others--often chose the safer choice for themselves. It isn't wrong, and it isn't something you should regret. You can look back and wish you'd made a different choice, but it shouldn't be a regret."

Valli couldn't help but wonder how much of what she was saying was a cultural difference. Did they value saving others that much more? Possibly. But Valli had seen similar guilt in plenty of people. Survivors guilt was mindbogglingly common, even if people who weren't young. People often failed to understand the logic until they were a part of it themselves, but the first step was simply doing what he'd just done: Laying it out clearly that they couldn't be blamed for their actions.

Valli didn't interrupt. He let her talk her way through it, let her argue. She was upset, absolutely. And she was right to be upset. Survivors guilt was real and painful, and he wasn't going to minimize that, but he was absolutely going to lay things on the table.

It was important for her to know.

"If there had been a button in front of you," Valli said. "Where if you pressed it, everyone would have been saved, at no cost to yourself, with no risk of backfiring, and you hadn't pressed it, many people would say yes, it was as bad as doing it yourself. But there was no button. You were in danger. You feared for yourself, and you ran to protect yourself. If you had called out and shouted for people to follow, you might have been found, so you didn't. It isn't a matter of helpless, but it is a matter of perspective. Looking back you might feel confident you could have helped someone, but at the time? At the time you didn't know the things you know now. At the time you did what you felt was best to protect yourself."

Valli paused for a moment, his hands folded together in his lap.

"And you lost a great deal as a result, Nova. You blame yourself for what happened, but no one would blame you for it. You were a child, and you weren't to blame for it. I think it's important to remember that your survival had nothing to do with their deaths. Just because you survived doesn't make you accountable for their deaths. If you had died, and someone else had lived because they ran away to save themselves, would you hate them?"

He found that people--especially those who struggled with accepting how people saw them--often did better if he reversed the situation.