Only the Lonely will Know

He took a deep breath.

Exhaled.

When he flipped the last card, his hand was shaking. It had nothing to do with death. The word that frightened him was lovers.

Emily licked her lips and Lochlann watched her lick her lips and he realized that he wanted to kiss her again even though he promised her he wouldn't. He said, "Yes. I am anxious."

He softened his confession with a smile and said, "Everything you said before happened. It was not exactly pleasant. I have no reason to doubt this time will be any better."

He considered the cards and the words she said, and when she brought up the possability that it might be herself, Lochlann was relieved.

His first thought had been her.

Lochlann chewed on the inside of his cheek. Of all his friends, Emily had thus escaped the knowledge of what he was and the messes he was involved in. Only she and Eph didn't know what he was, but he wondered how long he could keep up the illusion that he was holding it together.

"If it is you, it doesn't look good," he said. He was frowning and looking at the cards with his eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched. "If it is you, we need to talk about making sure you're safe, Emily."

"Maybe," Lochlann said.

Lochlann considered this.

He wasn't sure.

It made as much sense as anything else he could think of.

Lochlann chewed on the inside of his cheek. His mind was a mess of thoughts. Lochlann was not processing his own feelings so they were rolling off of him easily--there was anxiety, certainly, but beyond that he was succumbed by guilt.

He was picking at the the skin on the edge of his fingernails and he stopped to look up at her again. He was doing that a lot--alternating between her face and something far away. He couldn't stop himself.

"Yes," Lochlann said. "I have a history of getting the people in my life hurt. I will probably hurt you. If I don't, someone else I know probably will."

He wasn't smiling when he said this, but his face was blank and matter-of-fact, like he was telling her that his favorite flavor of ice cream was green mint or that he went to a jazz cafe before. It was a unfortunate part of his life.

"I don't want to, though," he said. "But maybe meeting you alone like this is a bad idea. Anything could happen."

He was looking at her lips again. They were very kissable.

Not for the first time, Lochlann wondered what the cards told Emily.

He looked down at them for a long time while his heart was racing. His vision seemed to tunnel until all he could see where the cards, where all he could hear was Emily's voice.

The lovers.

He wanted to run. The rush of panic that overcame him likely flooded Emily, but Lochlann couldn't control it. If there was a window closer, he would have bolted out of it. Instead, Lochlann gripped the edge of the table until his knuckles were white.

"Emily," Lochlann's voice was very quiet. "How much do you know about me?"

he couldn't answer a single one of her questions.

He couldn't admit to her that she was right.

That he was terrified of himself.

That he was terrified of her.

That he was terrified he lost the last person who might think he was human.

Emily looked like she was in pain or starting to panic herself, which only made Lochlann panic more. His heart reared and bolted like a wild horse.

He couldn't sit still anymore. He had to get a grip. He couldn't go out her window. Lochlann took a deep breath. He picked himself up from the chair and started to pace around her kitchen. He didn't know what to do with his hands so he stuck them in his pocket and then out of them.

Her words did calm him when he finally took them in.

"okay," he said.

And then, again, "Okay."

He swallowed and kept pacing, which seemed to help, even if it was making him feel caged at the same time. He managed to stop for a few seconds to look at Emily and ask her a question.

"Are you okay?"

His emotions were a mess. He was lust sleeplessness fear hunger worry worry worry lust panic anxiety lust lust lust sleeplessness fear hunger hunger hunger fear guilt guilt guilt. To Lochlann, it just registered as a fast heartbeat and a headache. He was thinking about kissing her. He was thinking about wanting to keep their friendship. He was thinking that Emily was one of the last good things he had.

"Have you ever had anything really bad happen to you?" he asked.

Most people on the island did. Magic didn't come without a price.