You tried to save me but it won't work this time

ReD · Apr 10, 2018

@Nightstripe

Lochlann Cabyll-Ushtey was drinking by the lake.

Was being near the lake a bad idea?

Generally, yes. The lake was a constant source of his anxiety. He dreamed about it. He dreamed about sleeping in it. On some nights, when he couldn't sleep, he did try to sleep in the lake.

There was something about being near water that calmed him and hyped him up all at once. His dark hair was tousled in the cool breeze. He was under dressed for the weather; he had a thin jacket, but no gloves or hat. His shoes were off.

The way he was lounging in the crisp grass might have made sense if it were the middle of summer, but it was not, which is exactly why Lochlann felt safe by the lake.

No one would find him here.

Unless, of course, they'd been inside his head and knew exactly where he went when he wanted to be alone.

Nightstripe · Apr 10, 2018

It had been a good while since Em had seen Lochlann. The circumstances at that time hadn't been the best. She had tried to make him promise to come see her again, but he wouldn't. She had begged him to come find her sometime soon, but he hadn't.

She wasn't entirely sure why she kept coming back to the lake. Perhaps it was the hope, the hope he would be there. The more she thought about it though, the more she convinced herself he wouldn't be. She had to find him though, however long it took. She'd promised him.

And then suddenly, there he was, laying on the grass a ways off the path. Em felt her mouth dry up and her heart patter against her ribs. He was here.

He was here, and now she didn't know what to do.

For a long time, she just stared at him, her eyes eventually drifting down to her blue dress. She ran her hands down the ruffles and through her hair, straightening herself out in an attempt to stall. Eventually, she had to force herself to walk up to him.

Standing next to him now, she opened her mouth to say something, then promptly forgot the words. She swallowed, her eyes drifting out to the water, then to the treeline, then back to Lochlann. She tried and failed a couple more times to speak before finally managing a meager greeting.

"..... H-Hi... You..."

ReD · Apr 10, 2018

For a split second, Lochlann worried he'd fallen asleep.

It would make sense. Lochlann often dreamed about Emily talking to him besides a body of water. The lake was common and so was the river, but recently the ocean where he'd drowned that girl who looked like him kept coming back over and over again.

The breeze ruffled his hair.

This wasn't a dream.

"Emily," Lochlann said.

He tried to search for some words that seemed appropriate.

The last time they saw each other had not gone over well. She'd made him promise to come see her and Lochlann had not kept that promise. As a fae, this was physically painful. His stomach twisted and his mouth dried out.

Of course, Lochlann would never acknowledge the fact that he was fae. He barely wanted to acknowledge that he'd hurt her.

And that he wanted to hurt her again.

And that the lake was so, so close, and this was so, so dangerous.

And that she looked beautiful in your dress.

"You look beautiful in your dress," he said.

Fuck.

He hadn't meant to say that.

He took a hefty drink from the bottle next to him.

Nightstripe · Apr 10, 2018

Emily blushed. It had been a while since she'd heard a compliment like that from him. How long had she been chasing him like this, searching for a way passed his walls.

"... Thank y-you..... L-Last time we m-met like th-this... You t-told me you had a g-girlfriend..... U-Um..."

Why did she say that? Why would she bring that up? That was the stupidest thing she probably could have said to him.

Rather then try and salvage the conversation, Em just settled down in the grass next to Lochlann. She didn't set herself uncomfortable close, but they could at least talk easier this way.

"... A-Are... You a-alright..? B-Back at Kaya's... I... I-I didn't want th-things to... H-Happen like th-that..."

She fiddled with her hands in her lap, twiddling her fingers and smoothing out her dress over and over again.

"... Are you... M-Mad at me..?"

ReD · Apr 11, 2018

"Had," Lochlann said.

Past tense.

He gestured to the lake. He gestured to himself. He gestured to her.

The gesture was a little more bitter than he intended.

Especially because Emily settled on the grass near to him. Part of him was immediately alive. He wanted to do all the things he knew that would close the distance subtly. He wanted to lay on his back next to her and look up at the cold, grey sky.

He picked up the bottle instead. His fingers curled around his life line.

He could feel the prickling sensation of stomach acid clawing at the back of his throat. It reminded him of a dream he had, a dream where he drowned over and over again, but it was worse than that.

This was hunger.

Was he mad at her?

It would have been easier if he was.

No. He was mad at himself.

"It doesn't matter what we want," he said. His voice was flat, even, resigned. He hadn't wanted anything of what happened at Kaya's to happen.

Lochlann shrugged. He ran his fingers through his dark hair. He said, "I'm not mad at you."

It was hard to be mad at someone he wanted to kiss so desperately.

Nightstripe · Apr 11, 2018

Emily just hung her head as Lochlann gestured around. She felt even more a fool as the implication sank in. "I'm s-sorry... I j-just... I-I'm sorry....." She couldn't find anymore words then that. She wasn't sure how to even feel about that. What emotion would even accompany that action? Guilt? Failure? Sorrow? Elation? Anger?

She shook her head to clear away her thoughts, hugging her knees to her chest. She licked her lips, trying to find some traction in Lochlann's feelings. She found it all muddy, like he was feeling nothing and everything at once. Em didn't know what to do with that.

"I-I don't th-think that's t-t-true..... Our d-desires are... I-I-Important parts of us... E-Even if it w-was pointless... I d-don't think that w-would st... Stop me f-from trying....."

A small smile crept over her lips when he said he wasn't angry with her. It wasn't much, but it went farther then he probably thought.

Em cast her eyes up to the grey clouds rolling along the sky. "A-Are.... Are you f-f-feeling alright..? S-Stormy weather... Makes y-your body ache... Doesn't it..?"

ReD · Apr 11, 2018

She was apologizing again and Lochlann felt like an ass.

The shame rushed over him in a hot wave. He remembered how he acted that night at Kaya's place. Parts of the evening were foggy, like memories half-surfaced from a fever dream, but Lochlann remembered lashing out.

And he remembered them seeing him.

He took another swig from his bottle.

'I didn't want you or kaya to see me like that," he said. "I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to do any of the things that I do. But...it still happens. i still do it. So I guess I disagree there. I don't think our desires are very helpful at all."

Drinking was a mechanical action. He barely noticed he was doing it. Say a few phrases. Drink. Repeat. The liquor didn't even burn his throat anymore. He could barely taste it.

He knew, though, that if he kissed her, he'd be able to taste her perfectly fine.

Alcohol would lose it's taste but kissing someone he wanted never did.

She asked him about his body and he shrugged. He didn't want to be vulnerable in front of her. Not again. Not after the last few times.

Lochlann wasn't good at blocking off his emotions. Emily would be able to see right through the walls he put up with the shrug of his shoulders, the way he tossed his head back, and the smile that didn't reach his eyes.

He said, "What about you? How are you doing?"

Nightstripe · Apr 11, 2018

Em shook her head again. She was having a hard time finding words to try and transition Lochlann away from such a fatalistic point of view. What would happen if she couldn't? Would things get worse or better? Or would they stay the same?

"... I a-always... A-Admired how hard y-you tried... I d-don't think you r-really want t-to stop trying e-either... I... I've b-been trying to find w-ways... Ways to h-help you try... y-you know..."

She reached out and placed her hands on the bottle in his hand. She didn't want to take it away from him right now, but she didn't think it was a good idea for him to drink the whole thing. "Sh-Share some with m-me... F-Friends share d-drinks right..? A-And it's not good t-t-to have so m-much by y-yourself..."

He tasted like alcohol already. A swig from the bottle wouldn't be that much different. and maybe it would calm her down a little.

"I... I'm well... I-I've been pretty w-worried about y-you..... I-I'm glad I f-found you today... C-Cause at least I kn-know you're a-a-alright... Mostly..."

ReD · Apr 11, 2018

"I'm fine," Lochlann said.

He was able to say the words because Lochlann believed them. He brushed aside a faint voice in the back of his head: Sabriel, in the dark room, saying I'm a fucking mess.

Lochlann fumbled for the bottle but Emily had it.

"Go ahead," he waved his hand at the bottle. It was the same wave he'd used towards the lake, himself, and her earlier.

Part of him felt a small rush of warmth. She still thought they were friends.

Lochlann crushed that warmth rising up in him hard and fast, stomping it out like sparks from a fire before that feeling could ignite something inside of him. Stay cold, he told himself. Stay numb.

"Emily you realize I weigh like..." Lochlann fumbled for words. He fumbled for numbers. He fumbled for all the concepts that made him human and realized that, should he tell her how much he actually weighed, he'd be invalidating all of it. He turned his back towards the lake.

He dropped the subject.

He said, "You shouldn't worry about me."

Lochlann crossed and uncrossed his arms, then his legs. He didn't know what to do now. He wasn't sure how to have a conversation with someone he tried to break so dramatically. He didn't know how else to push her away.

He wanted to ask her;

What will it take for you to see that I'm a monster?

Nightstripe · Apr 11, 2018

Emily tilted her head at him as he sputtered out small courtesies and half sentences. She couldn't suppress the smile that clawed it's way across her face. Things were starting to feel kind of normal between them again.

"I n-notice when y-you do that... You kn-know..... When you sh-shut down that l-light tangyness o-of yours... I w-wish you w-wouldn't d-do that..."

She took a drink from the bottle, then started cough immediately after. It was a lot stronger then she had expected. She glanced down at the label and frowned a little, Lochlann had been drinking this so quickly...

"... Maybe th-that's true... Maybe I d-don't need to w-worry... B-But I do... I w-want you to b-b-be safe... A-And happy and..... I d-don't.... I don't w-want to l-lose you........ S-So I worry... and I th-think and I-I study..... And I t-try to help..."

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