Private Finished We've Seen the Scene of Sin

Addy's messaged worried him.

And excited him.

He texted back quickly, I'm at home. Come to Rusted Anchor--the bar behind the big ass anchor on the pier.

It was an easy enough land mark that he was certain she'd be able to find him with no trouble.

He was glad she'd texted him. He wanted to see her again so badly and now she was here, coming over. Lochlann glanced around his apartment, which was spartan in quality but clean. He pulled the kettle out and set it on the stove, filling it with water and putting the burner on after a few attempts to have the gas light.

He heard footsteps on the very creaky stairs that led up to his door and Lochlann opened the door before she even had a chance to knock. He was alive with worry and anticipation.

"Addy," he said. "Are you okay?"

Addy threw herself into his chest and Lochlann embraced her without any hesitation. He held her tight, not quite crushing her to him, but definitely keeping his arms around her. He kissed the top of her head.

She pulled away and he could see the tears rimmed around her eyes, the puffy redness that told him this wasn't the first time today she was crying.

And then, she said she'd made a mistake.

Lochlann nodded and closed his eyes. He knew a lot about making a mistake.

"Okay," he told her.

He didn't tell her it's going to be okay. Just okay. Lochlann knew more than anyone that he couldn't promise her things would be okay.

"I promise I will do whatever I can to make it better," he told her. He still didn't let her go, still kept his arms around her to tell her in whatever way they could that he was here.

He took a deep breath and asked, "Is there a body?"

Addy had slept with someone.

And it was her first time.

And with a stranger.

He knew her well enough to understand why this was a big deal. Addy was someone who knew the inside and outside of every weapon she could fire. She was a planner. Lochlann couldn't imagine her going into a situation unprepared. That didn't mean she couldn't be spontaneous, but sex wouldn't have fall into the category of a normal spontaneous situation for her.

"Okay," he said. He rubbed a small circle in the center of her back, just wanting her to know he was there.

There was no body, but somehow, this made it worse because Lochlann couldn't erase what she was feeling. He remembered what it was like the first day after Guin.

"Here's what we're going to do baby girl," he said. He took her hand and kissed it and then led her around the corner to his small living-room area to the futon and motioned for her to sit down. He didn't join her immediately.

"First things first," Lochlann said. "You're going to tell me what you like in your tea. Cream? Sugar? Milk? Honey? Syrup? Jam?"

He hesitated and then offered, "A shot of vodka?"

He would leave and come back with two cups and the kettle, which he would sit on the bare, scratchy wooden table that served as an end table. He pushed aside a stack of books on dream walking to set the pot down.

And then, he sat on the futon next to her.

"Addy I am going to ask you some questions, and you don't have to answers any of them, okay? But I want to try to help you as much as I can, and I want to understand first," he said. He took her hand in his again and gave it a gentle squeeze.

The first question was the most pressing, because if her answer was anything other than an affirmative, Lochlann was going to fucking kill someone.

"Was it...did you want to? Or do you feel you were made to do it?" he asked.

With what he was, so much of Lochlann's life was governed by rules of consent. But he was so painfully aware of how there were other monsters out there, monsters that could make people do things they wanted to do.

His eyes searched her face, looking for answers even if she didn't want to give him any.

Lochlann was relieved that Addy scooted closer to him. He liked having her this close, because of his own selfish desires, and because it gave him hope that this might be something that could be worked through.

"Okay," he said, and he nodded, because if it was consensual he didn't have to kill anyone.

It was odd because, for some reason, he still wanted to.

Addy withdrew and she looked so small, looked so frightened, that all he wanted to do was hold her. He didn't know how much she wanted to be touched, though. The night after Guin, Lochlann had felt bruised and battered. Well, he had been, but it wasn't his body that felt that way. And he'd been experienced when he slept with her.

"Addy, I wish I could tell you that what you're feeling isn't normal, that it's a sign something is wrong," he told her. "But it's totally and completely normal to have mixed feelings about something like this the next day, especially if it was your first time. And you're worried it wasn't safe, so there's that fear, too. It's normal to feel this way, but that doesn't make it easier to deal with, and I'm sorry."

He reached out, very slowly, and held his hand open on the couch next to her, there if she wanted to take it. He wanted to reassure her that she wasn't broken, that she wasn't damaged.

God he wanted to hold her. He wanted to pull her to his chest.

He was feeling....odd about this conversation.

Because he was surprised to find out it was her first time. He would have thought she'd crossed it off the list long ago. The fact that she'd done it with a stranger was okay, but Lochlann had a small voice in his head that said, why not you, Lochlann?

Fuck what a horrible thing to think. He'd almost killed her. He should be grateful she even wanted to be in the same room with him, that she'd even let him touch her.

But even right now he wanted to push the hair out of her face and kiss her.

He didn't want to freak her out even more, but the potential for pregnancy was something they should probably talk about, too. That selfish voice in his head went off again. If she slept with you, she wouldn't be worried about this, you could have shown her a really good time. You could have shown her everything you've ever fantasized about.

But Lochlann had enough to regret with Addy and she was glad that she didn't feel the way about him that she felt last night.

"Hey," he told her suddenly. "Thank you for trusting me with this."

He wanted to hold her so fucking bad that his chest hurt.

Could he? Was it because he wanted to hold her because she looked upset, or if because of his own selfish needs?

He leaned back on the futon, bringing his legs partway up, and motioned to the space between him and the futon. If she came and laid there, she could put her head on his chest, but he left the option up to her.

"I will do everything I can to make sure you're okay," he promised her. He wasn't sure what he could do, but he'd be damned if he didn't try.

He asked the next question that would help him assess where to go with the conversation. "Did you enjoy it, at the time?"

He wanted to know if she was upset because it was bad, or if it was just regret and worry, when Lochlann had a horrible, terrible, bad thought.

He had no idea what she looked like when she came.

And fuck, did he want to find out.

What the hell sort of monster was he? This was his best fucking friend. She came to him for support, not for him to try to take advantage of her while she was upset.

Addy smiled and Lochlann smiled back and squeezed her hand.

It didn't fix things, but having her smile reassured him that things might be okay, that they might work out, and they she would eventually feel better about this. She nestled up against his chest and Lochlann couldn't help but feel he was where he belonged in life. He hadn't felt that way in a long, long time.

He kissed the top of her head.

When she buried her face into his chest, Lochlann did not expect to get an answer.

And then she told him.

She liked the bites. And he was a good kisser.

Lochlann had never kissed her the way he would if he was going to fuck her. The thought caught him off guard. He was not good at many things, but he was great at sex. With her face burried up against him, Lochlann's voice was low and close to her ear.

The words just sort of slipped out.

He didn't mean to.

He thought he was just thinking them, but instead, he whispered them right into her ear.

"I would bite you on the back of the neck if I fucked you. You'd be on my lap. It leaves me hands free to explore the rest of you," he said.

What.

The.

Fuck.

It's not like he hadn't thought about fucking Addy before. He'd thought about it, well, a lot. And having her on his lap, fucking her while he touched her and kissed at her long, perfect neck was something he'd thought about a lot, too. But that was just one of many ways.

The worst part was that he didn't just dream of fucking Addy. He dreamed of making love to her. He dreamed of sex that was slow and tender and quiet, too.

The problem was that his thoughts were supposed to be a secret.

He wasn't supposed to want to plow his best friend.

He was supposed to be comforting her, not thinking about what he would have done instead.

He swallowed and said, "Sorry."

What the fuck Lochlann, what the fuck.

Lochlann was tensed beneath her, waiting for her reaction, trying to figure out how he could pick up the pieces of the terrible mistake he'd just made.