Private Finished We Walk the Plank on a Sinking Ship

I need to talk to you, Lochlann texted her. Can you meet me on the roof at the bookstore?


Lochlann was leaned over the edge of the roof on the bookstore. The sunset was brilliant tonight, the sky a vivid red, the clouds pink, and the sun itself a shimmering ball of light. Lochlann took another drag on his cigarette and exhaled a puff of smoke in the direction of the sun.

He looked like someone who spent the last three weeks with the flu. He wore bags beneath his eyes and his normally pale skin looked sallow. His dark hair was clean, but messy, as though he'd showered and combed it with his fingers and then given up. But it suited him, as it usually did. His clothes were clean, too, and the only evidence of the alcohol he consumed was on his breath.

His fingers were shaking. He had to admit, he was nervous. The fragile hope that he harbored in his chest was heaving it's last breath.

For once, Lochlann wasn't thinking about running. He was thinking about confessing what he'd done, how he'd slipped up and almost killed Alaude, and not just to Addy. It was a given that he would tell her. He was done keeping secrets. She deserved to know.

But he was thinking, maybe, he needed to tell someone else. Someone who could stop him. Someone who could help him make sure he was capable of loving Addy the way she deserved to be loved.

Lochlann couldn't stop himself from loving her.

He was distracted with taking another drag on his cigarette and missed the door opening behind him.








@Trahnael

Lochlann didn't jump when he heard Addy's voice, but his heart did start a little bit. He turned around slowly, blinking at her, and he felt like he was waking up from a long sleep.

Her question was fair and one he was expecting.

"A bunch of things, but none of them are good excuses," he said. "I should have."

He didn't like that answer, but he wanted to take responsibility for this. But he didn't want to keep things from her, either, but he struggled to do both. He took another drag on his cigarette and then said, "I was afraid, mostly."

The smile on her face was as faint as the the daylight. Lochlann noticed that look and hated that he was the cause, but not surprised, because how could he expect anything else?

He took a deep breath. Lochlann exhaled, and then tossed the cigarette on the ground and extinguished it with his heel. He picked it up and tossed it into the sand bin placed just so for the butts. He felt like he was looking to delay. He crossed his arms, then uncrossed them, and then finally, he said, "Addy, I have no right to ask you what I'm about to ask you."

He swallowed.

He wanted to look at the ground, at the railing, to turn around and look at the sunset behind him, anywhere but her face.

But he kept her gaze.

"I want to know if you would go out with me," he said. "if you would consider having me as more than a friend. If you would let me call you my girlfriend."

He swallowed again. His mouth felt dry. Gods, he wished he had his flask.

"Because I love you, Addy, and I can't stop myself from feeling that. I know I don't deserve you. I know I'm a train wreck of a person, if i even qualify as a person. The future terrifies me, but I dont' want to picture a future without you," he said.

He'd managed to keep his voice even.

He felt like scum. Literal scum, the kind of ugly green haze that floats to the top of a fetid pond.

How could he ask her this when he'd almost done to Alaude what he'd nearly done to her?

"I fucked up badly, Addy. I almost killed your brother. And the idea of what I almost did to you terrifies me. I don't want to take away your family. I don't want to make you be alone again," he said.

His voice had been even before, but now it broke. He tucked his hands into his pockets, drawing them in close to himself.

He didn't know how to tell her that he'd tried and he'd tried but he wouldn't get better. He didn't know how to get better. He swallowed again, and he brought up one hand to touch his lips, half expecting there to be blood on them.

He opened his mouth to tell her his plan. He only got out, "I'm thinking of.."

And then he stopped himself. He couldn't stand it. He had to know. He shook his head. He forced himself to meet her gaze.

"Addy?" he asked.

Hope.

Lochlann didn't know how to reconcile these two things for her.

It was like trying to describe a color to someone who was blind. Lochlann struggled to find the words. He thought about the taste of Alaude's blood in his mouth. He touched his fingers to his lips again.

"Because you're the reason that he's alive," he said quietly.

He couldn't explain it any further than that.

He didn't know what to do with himself for her. She wasn't looking at him anymore, which was somehow both a relief and a death sentence all at once. Lochlann leaned over the railing again, crossing his arms so his fingers touched his own elbows, reassuring himself that he was a person.

"Would you even believe my apology?" he asked. He couldn't keep the uncertainty from his voice. "I said I was sorry when I did that to you, but here we are, two years later, and I did the exact same thing all over again. I almost lost you again. My apology is worthless if I don't back up my words with actions."

Lochlann had tried.

He really did. And he almost made it, but this was what, at least three this year? He hadn't killed anyone since Dani died and now he'd fucked everything up in under six months.

It hurt when she said she loved him.

It would have been easier, he thought, if she didn't.

"Alaude should go to the hospital," he said. He hung his head low, resting it on his arms and the railing and watched the cool red sky start to turn blue on the edges. Lochlann closed his eyes.

"I'm asking for the same reason I didn't call you," he said. "Because I'm afraid, mostly."

He wondered what else he could try. He'd scrambled his brain for every possible answer.

This was, on one hand, the healthiest conversation Lochlann ever had with another person. He wasn't trying to shy away from what he'd done. He wasn't trying to feel anything other than the emotions he had now.

On the other hand, it was also the worst conversation Lochlann ever had with another person.

I don't know how to get better, he thought. He looked over the edge of the railing and for a fleeting moment he thought about jumping but it wouldn't make a difference. This wasn't high enough up, and besides, he was too much of a coward. Lochlann knew it was only a matter of time before he lost her.

This, at least, he was used to.

Addy's attempt to lighten the mood was met with a dry chuckle from Lochlann. It didn't work.

He considered what she said and Lochlann suspected that Alaude had only not gone to protect Addy, not himself. Lochlann sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. When she said that they had some kind of weird complicated affair, though, he blushed despite himself.

"It's not like that," he said, perhaps a little bit too quickly. Then, he added, "I'l convince him to go" which didn't really help that much.

So he sighed again.

He chewed on the inside of his cheek. Lochlann tilted his head to look at Addy, to admire the slope of her nose and the brightness of her eyes. Her hair looked soft and he wanted to touch it. He wanted to kiss her. Which was exactly why he hated himself.

"Your brother makes me homesick," he finally said. He was going to be trapped at home once he left, so he was reluctant to return, but at the same time...he missed it. His family were monsters, sure, but they were monsters like him. He didn't love Alaude like he loved Addy. Mostly, he couldn't stand the guy. But that was also part of the reason that Lochlann liked it, too. He thought about telling her it's complicated to lighten the mood, but he didn't think that would work very well. His fingers itched for his flask.

She told him an apology would ease her chest at least and Lochlann almost hugged her then and there. But he didn't. Because how could she even want him to touch her after what he'd done?

He closed his eyes and pressed his face against the cool railing.

She asked him if he could wait.

He wanted to say something dramatic, something that felt true, and the words filtered through his head. I'll wait forever for you.

But he didn't have forever.

"Yeah," he said.

He didn't have forever, but that's how long he'd wait if he had to.

"Can...can I touch you?" he asked. He wanted to give her an apology the right way. He wasn't good with words.

"Yeah," Lochlann said. He shook his head. "Lawrence used to kick my ass all the time. He was the one who was supposed to take over the family farm, to take care of the family in general, but he can't stay human long enough to do it. And my parents, they're old, Addy, like really old. They don't look it, but that's because they've lived their lives as fae and not like...well.."

Like humans, like they were asking him to do.

He shrugged.

"But I don't know. There's just something about they way Alaude talks, and the way he handles things, that reminds me of Lawrence. Gods, I haven't seen them in forever," Lochlann frowned. It'd been over a year and a half since he last saw them. Lochlann scratched the back of his neck.

You should go back and tell your family what you've done, part of his brain thought, but it was the same part of his brain that wanted to jump over the edge of the railing and run. It was the part of him that was tired of being in the same place over and over again.

Addy was thinking of that moment, that fight, and Lochlann was feeling it.

How the hell could he stop this from happening again? Third times a charm, but Lochlann knew this couldn't handle a third time. He could barely handle it now.

Addy came and hugged him first, which startled him a little bit. He hadn't been expecting it, but when her arms wrapped around him, Lochlann relaxed. The tension started to ease it's way out of his shoulders and his face, and his grip around her body was gentle but firm. He was reassuring himself that she was still here, that she was safe, that she was okay, that she was real, that she was alive.

"I'm sorry," Lochlann said. And now, he held her a little bit tighter. He tried to keep his voice from breaking, tried to keep it even. "I'm so sorry."

He was so sorry that they were here again. He was sorry he wasn't good enough to deserve her love. He was sorry that he wasn't smart enough to figure out how to stop himself from fucking up. He was sorry that he loved her, and that she loved him, and that this whole thing was messy and complicated. He was sorry he'd bit Alaude, that he'd bit her, that he kept hurting her over and over again.

He buried his face in her hair for a moment, breathing in her scent, reminding him that she was alive and, if everything else failed, at least she had been his best friend.

"I'll make Alaude go to the hospital with me," Lochlann said. He swallowed. He was thinking, maybe, he should admit himself, too. But he wasn't sure if he was strong enough for that.

"He's..not like Lawrence in that...I won't have to trick him to go there...will I?" Lochlann asked.

Well, Lawrence could never actually go to the hospital.

They'd had to take him to the vet once.