Private Finished There's a Fine Line Between Love and Hate

His family will kill him, he said. His brother and father will drag him down the water and cut him to pieces and feed him to their horses.

Addy gasped as if a wave of cold water just crashed against her, and the only reason it was quiet was because she also couldn't breathe for a while after hearing it.

Her hands started shaking. She held on to Lochlann this time because she was scared he'll disappear if she let go. She was afraid, even though the reality was that they were in a really nice restaurant and was supposed to be having lunch, and they were in fact away from all these pain and suffering that Lochlann told her. But she was still afraid to let him go.

She couldn't follow what he said next too well. It had something to do with the name Guin again, and just the sound of it caused something ill to stir inside her. And then he mentioned another name, Cat, and this time it was clear Lochlann didn't blame anyone else for her disappearance.

Addy imagined another girl to be in her place during that stormy night in the ocean when Lochlann almost ate her.

She promised she'll shoot if he does it to her again. That... That was better than being "fed to the horses". It made her promise to him sound so easy.

Tears were forming in her eyes when his voice changed.

And then suddenly it felt hot, as if Addy's face was melting and her body was burning and her chest and stomach were spiraling and reacting to every word Lochlann uttered. She closed her eyes, letting one shaky breath escape, and she could imagine what it would be like if they did it, and...

And it felt like he was fucking her right there and her body squirmed in response.

But she was also trying so hard to keep her tears in.

She wanted that future with him, too, but something about it seemed so perfect and impossible. Tears flowed, but she didn't know what they were for anymore. She was a mess, and at some point she had to let Lochlann's hands go because she wanted to hide her face. She also didn't know if she wanted to hide it because she was blushing madly or because she was borderline crying.

"You won't lose me," she muttered through her suppressed shaky breaths and tears. "But... listening to you just now... It feels like I'm the one who's going to lose you, Loch. This is unfair. Why do you have to be in so much pain and trouble? It's unfair..."

She seemed to ignore his confessions of murder just now, but only because she believed in him that he didn't want all those deaths to happen. But the fact that he was suffering so much because of them didn't change, and Addy feared he'll disappear forever and she'll cry over him every night for the rest of her life.

She was frozen in place, hiding her face in her hands but not running away, blushing and crying at the same time, scared and confused. Her emotions were overflowing and she didn't know what to do with them.

It was almost funny how words were enough to mess her up this bad, since they were from Lochlann.

"Yes," she said almost right away, and the excitement in that answer gave her enough strength to pull her hands away from her face and look at Lochlann once more. He asked her to think about it. And she said yes. She should have said no because there wasn't anything to think about. She wanted it to happen just as badly as he did, after all.

He had killed, and he was a mess, and this thing between them probably wasn't even a good thing but she still wanted him. And he still wanted to want her. But she shouldn't let this desire cloud her head. If she let it take over, she might end up offering herself to become Lochlann's next victim and that was only going to ruin him more in so many ways. She didn't want to die for him. She wanted to live for him, to stay alive despite the danger of dying every time they were together, and she wanted to reach that impossibly perfect future so she can brag to herself about it that it wasn't impossible after all. She wanted to wake up next to Lochlann in the morning wearing his shirt and his scent and nothing else underneath. She wanted to rest on his chest and hear his calm heartbeat. She wanted to kiss him without the pain. But for that to happen, Lochlann must stop killing, and she mustn't die.

So yes, 'yes' was the right answer and she was going to think about it. She was going to think about how it could happen with neither of them messing up.

She gingerly reached for her face to wipe her tears.

"It's not good to cry in front of the food," she said and laughed at her own attempt to steer their conversation away from more tears. She hated herself for crying so easily. "I love you, Lochlann. I don't want you to die. I want that future you said. But the 'how'... it's difficult to get there..."

Addy grinned with Lochlann when he took her hands. Her tears have mostly dried up by then, so rather than salty, their brief kiss was sweet, sweet with hope for a good future between them-- even though they have just been talking about the bitter past and present.

Because Lochlann said he loved her, too, and by now Addy was certain that this love wasn't just a friendly and platonic one. They wanted not just sex, but to make love, and they wanted a future where they are able to stay together, and maybe even live together.

Even his necklace that reminded her of his pain in the rain, reminded her that he wasn't exactly human wasn't enough to ruin this hope. He was still human in her eyes.

The air warmed up with laughter, both from Lochlann and from Adelene. With them being like this, it felt like the "how" that seemed impossible wasn't impossible at all.

She looked at their food and decided she wanted to eat. If she didn't, if she couldn't, it meant she still couldn't get over her shock over his story. And she wanted to get past the shock, because she wanted to accept his story as a factual part of him.

"Well, the food's here so we might as well eat, right?"

She took a spoon of the potatoes, and it was still in her mouth when Lochlann mentioned Alaude. She had to cover her mouth with her lips to keep herself from laughing. She swallowed and nodded. "I'm not gonna tell him anything," she said, firmly.

————-

Alaude was pissed. He had stayed out late the night before and ended up sleeping in until very late in the morning, waking up with a terrible hangover and all. He wasn't pissed because of that. He was pissed because when he woke up, Adelene wasn't home, and she didn't even leave a note or a text message. No breakfast either.

Hours passed. It was Alaude's free day, so he decided to stay at home and man the shop. He had let himself go too much outside the night before, so he really should stay put for the day. He also decided to wait for his sister to get home, and attack her with proper nagging depending on where she came from and who she was with. Hopefully not that shit face Lochlann again.

Unfortunately, it really was Lochlann. After their lunch, Addy decided to go home early, and asked Lochlann to walk with her. She didn't want to end this beautiful time with him yet; sure, she might have impulsively hit him on the head after he mentioned something about lewd dreams, but she had done it out of embarrassment, and really everything else was just blissful.

She halted just before crossing the street to her and her brother's place. The overhead door wasn't open, but just to be sure that Alaude didn't have to see Lochlann, she suggested it was better not to go too near. And then she pulled him to a brief goodbye kiss.

Alaude went out to smoke just in time. He's crossed the street almost immediately after seeing that, and made sure he made himself noticeable by tapping Lochlann's shoulder and greeting them both. "So where have you two been?" He had an exaggerated smile on his face. Well, it was a pretty normal grin, but for Alaude who didn't usually smile, it was enough to creep his sister out.

His grip on Lochlann's shoulder became tighter and tighter, but he made sure that Addy didn't notice. After all, he promised they wouldn't fight. Not in front of her anyway.

There literally was a vein on Alaude's temple that started twitching as Lochlann finally let Adelene go and gave him some attention. Of all things he could say, it was that, and Alaude almost smiled fondly for real at how adorably dumb it was. "No, I don't." Alaude was certain of that, no need for mirrors to check or what, because he hadn't had anything yet save for the too many bottles of alcohol to count the night before.

Adelene's eyes were nervously narrowed as she watched. Such a gentle smile didn't belong in her brother's face, and the fact that it looked suspiciously convincing scared her. "Al. Yeah... we just had lunch. Sorry I didn't wake you up, you looked like you needed a lot of rest."

Alaude's hand was still on Lochlann's shoulder then, its grip seemingly too strong to be considered a harmless contact, but Addy wanted to believe that Alaude and Lochlann really were on their path towards making up and being nice, so she tried not to mind it too much.

"Is that so?" Alaude asked. He smiled at Lochlann again. "Well. Thanks for walking her home. She'll be fine on her own from here." He instructed Addy to go inside like the tyrant big brother that he was at times like this, and the little sister obeyed despite the obvious resistance in her frown.

"See you, Loch," she waved, before disappearing into the building.

The moment the door closed, Alaude pushed Lochlann away and wiped his hand on his shirt as he had just touched the most disgusting thing in the world: some shit face that was trying to steal Addy away. The creepy smile also instantly disappeared, turning back into the more natural frown that was usually on his face.

"You make me sick, shit face. I know you and my sister has this thing-- whatever-- but you really make me want to throw up. Try not to kiss in front of me next time, okay? I'm already trying my best not to hit you right now."