Private Finished So long as you don't torture me with the past

Lochlann couldn't stop looking at her. It was a miracle he didn't fall up the stairs, and it was probably only because she was leading that he didn't.

"I'm happy you found me, too," he said. His voice was quiet, overwhelmed by the silence.

The roof was familiar and alien all at once. Lochlann felt like no time had ever passed. He felt a flicker of fear, old and phantom, that they had to be careful they didn't stay up here too long and get yelled at by her old boss.

The thought brought the ghost of a smile to his face and when he looked back at Addy, the smile returned.

"Okay," he said, and he took the book and the pen from his pocket. "But you have to promise you don't read what I wrote until later, okay?"

He held the book up to his chest and wrote in it slowly, chewing on the end of the pen, and then blew on the ink so it would dry. He handed it back to her and then tucked the pen into his pocket, pulling out a packet of cigarettes instead.

He lit one and put it in his mouth, leaning back against the rail and looking at her.

Addy. Wow.

Addy.

"I can't believe it's really you," he confessed. "I actually haven't ruled out the possibility that I'm dreaming. I've missed you so much."

To his credit, Lochlann didn't jerk like he'd been shot but his face did blanch when she mentioned that it's not like she died.

He took a drag on his cigarette and held the smoke for a long second before he titled his head back and blew it out. Fuck. The weight of everything that he'd done was hanging over him.

Instead, he looked back up at her, and then he couldn't help it again, he smiled, because fuck, Addy was here.

"I'm glad you're okay," he said.

How had he been? He'd been...it'd been..

"I'm still kicking," he settled on, giving her a smile, but it was tired and he couldn't make it reach his eyes. But when he looked at her, the smile returned. It kept threatening to overwhelm him. "It's really you."

He flipped open his hand--his good hand--palm forward and said, "What about you? How have you been? God, Addy, I don't even know where to start."

"You met your dad!" Lochlann said, and he beamed, happy for this discovery. He did arch his eyebrows and give a low, appreciative whistle with her fashion-show turn. He gave a slow clap, too, which wasn't ironic at all. "You know I loved you in whatever you wore, but you look good, Addy. You look really good."

He took another drag of his cigarette and then he couldn't help it, he laughed, and the smoke came out of his nose and from between his teeth and he started to cough, and then he laughed more.

"Oh my god I tried to drink you under the table just to get you in a dress and now here you are," he said. He didn't let the memory of the hospital visit taint what had been a fantastic evening, and the date that followed had been fantastic as well. He buried down the other parts.

"I did, and I can't believe you came," he said. "It makes me so happy that you're here, Addy."

He tried to find a positive from the last two years. It was hard, very hard. It's not that good things hadn't happened, but they were all intertwined with bad things.

"I had some encouragement," he explained with the book. He thought about telling her about Cat, but he took another drag of the cigarette instead. Another mistake.

He thought about telling her about Dani, but she was gone.

And Guin?

That was a whole other can of worms.

"I went back home to visit my family for a little while," he said. "I actually dropped out, but I got called back here and then, well, things just happened so I guess I'm still here. I still have Lamby, though! He's out at the Agricultural district."

Lamby was a positive at least, and a familiar one.

"Oh!" he exclaimed, and he dug out his wallet and handed her his license. It was for motorcycles, which didn't have the confining effect of a car, so he was able to handle them for some period of time but even that would make him sick. He also had to be mindful of his leg, but none of this was relevant enough to tell her. "So I guess that's new, too. I don't have one here on the island, but in the states it's a little difficult to travel without some kind of vehicle."

There was something else he wanted to tell her. Something important.

But he didn't want to ruin this. not yet.

"Where are you staying?" he asked her.

“If you’d like, we can go see Lamby,” Lochlann said, taking another drag on his cigarette. He was almost finished, so he pulled out another and lit it with the end. He extinguished the numb of the other one under his foot and tossed the remains into the can that was up here for that very reason.

“That would be nice,” Lochlann admitted. He was quickly warming to the idea. Maybe that could even be how they got out to see Lamby. He hadn’t really ridden since he’d returned to the island in the winter—it would be nice, and it would be nice to spend time with her.

Lochlann put two and two together, but still ran his assumption by Addy to make sure. “Alaude is your brother?”

He wondered if she would be working in the mechanic shop with him. Lochlann really, really hoped it was her brother and then he felt guilty about that hope. Why shouldn’t Addy be happy with another man? He’d had relationships since she had been gone. He anticipated she had, too. It’s not like she came back just for him. She had a life.

But Lochlann still wanted to kiss her.

He put the cigarette to his lips instead.

“No,” he said. “I’m down at the pier now, I have an apartment at work.”

He realized she didn’t know about that either so he said, “I’m a bartender at The Rusted Anchor. It’s this dive bar kind of deal. Will you be working with Aluade?”
He took a deep breath.

And then, he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Addy, there’s something else I’ve wanted to tell you. And I don’t want to ruin this. I’ve wanted to see you so badly that I couldn’t stand this, this is a dream come true, but..” he swallowed. His mouth had suddenly gone dry. He forced the words out. “I am sorry.”

His hand was shaking. He wanted to put the cigarette to this lips but he had no words.

he couldn't even meet her eyes after his apology.

he stared at her feet again because he also couldn't look away completely, couldn't stand the thought of her disappearing.

She was back.

Oh, Addy.

Lochlann was filled with regret.

It wasn’t regret for ruining the conversation. The conversation wouldn’t have taken the dark turn if he hadn’t done what he had done in the first place. He was filled with regret for knowing what her blood tasted like. He was filled with self-loathing for thinking it tasted wonderful, for knowing that if there was ever a situation where it could happen again, it would, because he hadn’t learned his fucking lesson.

And then Addy’s hands were on his face and she made him look at him, and he wanted to turn away but he was captive.

“I mean that,” he confirmed, and he said that with such a hatred that even he was surprised. It wasn’t hatred for Addy. It was hatred for himself.

She phrased it so blasé though: took me to the ocean and shit happened. That.

Shit happened when Lochlann failed an exam because he passed out halfway through it. Shit happened when his account was overdrawn because he couldn’t find a job. Shit happened when he lost his cell phone.

Almost losing Addy was not something Lochlann considered shit happening. It had been one of the worst moments of his life. The only thing that stopped it from being even more terrible was because she was alive.

He closed his eyes.

“I remember when they told me you were okay,” he said. His cigarette was gone and he longed to put something to his lips. He remembered being there, in rehab, going through a particularly bad part of the withdrawal and Dr. Hart had came in with the news. Miss Cross is okay was all he had said, and Lochlann was so, so worried that he’d hallucinated it. He swallowed a lump in his throat.

He opened his eyes and she was still there.

She told him to look at her, to really look at her, and Lochlann did. He took in all the features of his best friend, of the lines of her cheekbones and her bright eyes and the curve of her lips. He took in how, even in the feminine clothes, there was no mistaking the fact that this girl could—and would—kick his ass. He took in the tears in her eyes and he mistook them for fear of him, but it didn’t coincide with her being close. He was sober. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have delved deeper, but he realized Addy wasn’t as afraid of him as she should be.

It reassured him and terrified him. But what he really took in from all of this was that Addy was here.

She was alive.

Her last words stole his heart: “I still accept it, because that was you, that was all you, and I don't hate you.”

She had seen him. She had seen him at his worst and she had seen him as he really was, as a monster that wanted to eat her, a monster that tried to eat her. And she still came back to see him. She’d looked for him.

Lochlann had been trying to build walls between the parts of himself to keep other people safe. He had been trying to build walls to keep people out, to keep himself safe, too.

And Addy was crumbling those walls. They weren’t destroyed—the foundations were too strong—but she’d just put a strong crack through them.

She might have forgiven him but Lochlann still hadn’t forgiven himself.

His heart was hammering in his chest and his hands were still shaking. He placed one on her hip. He was looking at her, really looking at her, and Lochlann could still see every reason why he started to fall in love with her in the first place.

Don’t start to do that again, he told himself, and Lochlann tried to put those walls back up, tried to remember that he mourned her and it didn’t matter how strong she was because Lochlann was weak, he was very, very weak, and he was so afraid he would try to hurt her again if he started to fall in love with her again.

But she didn’t hate him.

He opened his mouth to say thank you but the words didn’t come.

Lochlann spoke the only language he knew came from his heart, the only language he could express the gratitude, the relief, the sure bliss that she was alive. He leaned forward.

And Lochlann kissed her.