Private Finished Shocks and Bites Engulfing Me

Lochlann made a low clicking noise in the back of his throat and flicked his ears back, the equine sign of annoyance.

He could probably keep up with Alaude on the bike for a little while, maybe snatch him off of it. He was fast, after all, especially in this shape. But the bike was iron and Lochlann could not imagine Alaude being a poor driver, so the odds of this plan working were slim.

His body shuddered again and Lochlann responded, a little indignantly, "I can look human without that."

It was just really, really hard and there was no way Lochlann could do that when he was drenched and hungry like this. Though he was a large horse, he was thin, and the water from his mane dripped down the rivulets between his rib bones. Lochlann shuddered again, the skin rippling and stretching along his flanks.

The worst part of this was that Alaude was treating this as a perfectly normal scenario. Lochlann wanted to scream, you fucking whisky vampire, I still want to kill you, just drop the damn necklace and go home.

But when Alaude pointed out Adelene's scar, Lochlann took two steps back, his hooves pressing hard into the soft earth. He tossed his head from side to side, his eyes swiveling as if looking for a way to escape.

Lochlann couldn't escape from the truth.

He stilled and hung is head low, a very human action on a horse's body.

"Yes," he said.

What else was there to say?

His voice sounded level. Lochlann did his best to bite back the regret, the despair, the agony. He did his best to look and sound like the monster he was.

Lochlann was quiet for a long while before he gave in.

He couldn't risk losing it. Not again.

"That necklace makes it harder for me to make mistakes," he said.

Harder, but not impossible.

When Alaude started to walk towards him, Lochlann took a few steps back. Despite having such a large body, he moved it easily and gracefully. He looked like a show horse with his movements, something that should be competing in dressage. It would be easy to see why, centuries ago, someone would be attempted to approach a horse like this along a lakeside at night.

Lochlann swallowed. He said, "What I did to Adelene was what landed me in juvie for two months. I didn't even know if she was okay, and when they told me, I was in the hospital, I was so sick, and I was so afraid I dreamed it."

Alaude held his hand out, the necklace flat in it, and Lochlann eyed this for a moment, wondering if it was a trap.

He took a step forward, but didn't come any closer.

"I can't make you understand what it was like for me to see her again," Lochlann said. "I can't make you understand what it was like to hope, just for a little while, that we could have something. Something real, something with a future."

Lochlann's ears flattened against his head again. He closed his eyes. He took a deep breath. He exhaled slow and hard.

Just saying the words had been exhausting.

Lochlann hadn't even realized that he'd talked about this like it was in past tense.

Lochlann didn't realize he'd already given up.

Was there anything worse? Lochlann wasn't certain. He tried to shrug, but the motion was all wrong. Though this was who Lochlann really was, he was so used to pretending to be human that he didn't know how to handle this. It was like wearing a mask for so long that he forgot what his real face looked like.

"There's this," Lochlann said. "I don't know if I can stop myself from trying again."

He was afraid to get any closer to Alaude, afraid to reach his face down to the necklace that he so desperately wanted, that he so desperately needed. But Alaude's blood, his body, it was hard to think of him as Alaude and not as a thing he could drag into the water right now. His mouth filled with saliva and he swallowed. Fuck, he wanted a drink so damn bad. Talking about this, about what he'd done to Addy, was next to impossible. It was a near miracle Alaude managed to coax all the words out of him.

But Lochlann could never lie to his brother.

Alaude told him to stop and Lochlann did. He froze, completely still save for the occasional shuddering of his flanks. It was both a relief and a nightmare being in this shape like this.

He was so used to pretending that it felt wrong being like this, like Alaude was seeing him naked almost, but at the same time, he didn't hurt as bad as he did as a human.

Alaude waved his arm and Lochlann's eyes were on it instantly, his hunger flaring bright again. He inhaled deeply.

He didn't understand why Addy did not hate him.

Lochlann hated himself, and sometimes, he felt like it was a poison. He felt like he was just fooling everyone until the figured out how fucked up he really was, and then they'd withdraw and disappear if he didn't eat them first, and Lochlann would be alone again.

Alaude raised the necklace.

Lochlann didn't say anything more about it.

He lost his train of thought completely when Alaude sent a verbal jab his way.

"It's weird talking to me like this?" Lochlan snorted, shaking his head. "I..."

He couldn't come up with a comeback.

He made a disgusted noise instead and lowered his head between the necklace Lochlann was holding, and he gasped, and a few minutes later Lochlann was kneeling on the ground, his head lowered, his hands flat.

He was drenched. Which meant his head was aching. Fuck, Lochlann wanted a drink. He wanted to go home and crawl in the shower and turn the water on and just lay there until this would all go away.

"How's your arm?" Lochlann asked, once he caught his breath and looked up at the other man. He was braced to be kicked.

Lochlann was relieved and not so relieved about Alaude's arm. At least he was okay, but as for patching it up in secret....

Lochlann said, "Let me help, please."

He realized Alaude would expect him to have some kind of knowledge, so Lochlann shrugged and before he could let Alaude go to that conclusion, Lochlann said, "I've only ever given myself stitches and it wasn't great, but if you give me instructions, I can do it."

As for himself, Lochlann didn't consider the fact that he might not look okay. He was just relieved he didn't look like a horse anymore.

"Okay so two seconds ago you complained about me looking like a horse, and now you're complaining about me looking as a person. Make up your mind," he said, oblivious to the fact that Alaude's concern was genuine. If he was honest, he could blame it on the headache. Lochlann pinched the bridge of his nose. It wasn't as bad as the one that hit when the rainstorm came and interrupted his date with Addy, but it was still pretty bad.

Lochlann sighed and said, "Fine, be that way."

But he was kind of relieved, too. As Alaude mounted the bike, Lochlann picked himself up and leaned against the nearest tree, considering what the other man had said. Lochlann frowned. What was he going to do now?

He wanted a drink.

He toyed with his necklace, turning it between two fingers, while he tried to figure out what to do. Lochlann wasn't sure.

"I think I'm going to head home," he said, finally. "I have work later."

He needed a shower, which was ironic because he was already soaked, but he'd have to get the lake weed out of his hair. It was still messed up in his hair, but thankfully the lilly pad pieces had fallen out when he changed back. He definitely needed something for his headache.

He tried to ignore the empty, cold feeling in his gut.

"I don't want to keep secrets from Addy anymore," Lochlann frowned. He didn't like the idea of telling her....but he was done not telling her things, too. But still...he was dreading this conversation. Part of it was because Lochlann wanted so badly to see her. He wanted so badly to have a day with Addy that he didn't constantly taint, didn't constantly ruin.

How the hell was he going to start that conversation? Hey Adds, I almost ate your brother the other day. Why was I hanging out with you brother? Because we were fighting, just like you asked us not to do, but don't worry! We had mutual consent.

He groaned and rubbed his face with his hands.

"Thanks Alaude," Lochlann said, and his thanks was genuine, but he didn't specify for what.

"I'll see you around," he said, and Lochlann stuck his hands in his pockets and started to walk away. Because if he didn't leave now, he wasn't sure he would be able to resist the urge to pull Alaude back into the lake. Gods, he was hungry.