mutual suffering

Valentine frowned. He didn't like that reaction, it made him want to flick Jack on the nose. "Sorry…?" he tried, awkward and stunted, half sounding it out like a question. He sighed. "I didn't mean it like that, I'm just agitated. Don't take it personally." Even though he'd just given some very personal jabs. Damn it! He couldn't win! Val made another frustrated noise. "I… I'm not sorry. But I don't want you to feel bad. It's. Ugh!"

"I thought I knew myself, at the very least, even if I don't know anything else," he muttered, resigned but bitter. He'd flushed further at Jack's first self description, and that, too, made him want to grind his teeth or scream into a pillow. Or be pressed into a pillow while- terrible! Awful! Gross!

He squirmed again while being kissed, eyes shut, fingers bunching up Jack's shirt, but didn't move away. He opened them slowly, staring.

He continued to stare for a while, mind moving but not actually processing what had been presented. He made an attempt at it, several times, but kept running into mental blocks, irritating welling up all over again. What was that supposed to- of course he liked Jack, that was the most basic thing possible, what… was there something else being implied? Because he wasn't getting it. At all.

It was probably something really fucking obvious, with the way Jack was acting about it, that Val would then hate himself over. Missing the most simple things. Normal. Jack had called it normal. Of course Val didn't understand, with his level of incompetence in that area. Don't cry. Don't cry.

"Normal. Natural." Val's expression darkened, just a bit. "Obvious. I know I'm attached, I know I like you. The fact that I'm here at all is, I wouldn't have… and then, sharing all of those things, to anyone, out loud- of course I'm attached. Then… then, being with you like that…" Warm cheeks and shaking hands didn't match up with sharp eyes very well, did they? "And my chest, the pulling in it, my stupid fucking face that keeps sabotaging me, it's, it's!"

"Different," he said finally, it in a rush of air, like something he had to just, expel and then not look at. Still so vulnerable, and barely wanting to admit to it.

Valentine had to duck his head. Jack was too… he wouldn't say good, but there was a certain purity to him that always caught Val off guard.

Fingers laced. His hands were bigger, warmer, like all of him was. Val's were small and thin, cold. They fit together so satisfyingly, and he gave a squeeze, not holding tight enough to hurt, but enjoying the snugness.

"I can't stand being at such a disadvantage, not being aware of these things, it doesn't feel safe. A lot of things don't feel safe, but I'd at the very least like a warning." He'd warned Jack in so many ways. "It is too much. But I'd rather deal with it now than put it off. We've already given a lot, why not go all the way?" In his cruelty, he never allowed others to avoid facing things, he dragged them out and put on a harsh spotlight. This was only fair.

Starting with 'don't freak out' very nearly made Val want to do the exact opposite, ready to one hundred percent freak out. Instead, he listened, expression blanking. Weight sinking in. He trembled again, his face reddened, and tears pricked at the edges of his eyes.

"Um- um-" He sniffled and scrubbed at his face with his sleeve. "I'm n-not freaking out, I mean, I am but it's, I'm?"

He hiccuped, a little high pitched, jittery thing.

"I'm so happy there's an explanation, for once in my fucking life a reason, and I'm also freaking out because this is overwhelming, please help me, I'm going to get so much gross on your clothes." He ended his panicky slur of words and clung. He clung to Jack for dear life.

Valentine was pretty sure he was hyperventilating now, but he kept clinging to Jack, trying to get a hold of everything. Which was. Pretty much impossible, but he was fucking trying, okay? He wondered, suddenly, how much Jack was trying, even though it was impossible.

He breathed. His panic induced, far too much for his weak body, movements slowed. Head spinning, still shaking but only ever so slightly. Exhaustion was coming back, along with…

"I'm sorry I'm bad at apologies," Val said, then laughed, a faint sound. "And that I'm such an unstable bundle of nerves. You keep seeing me at all of my worsts. Not that I think I have a good side, but, but… I don't know why you like me. So strange. I suppose since I l-love you, it's a relief you'll at least put up with me. That's impressive for anyone."

He held onto Jack, both arms tugged around him now. Overgrown teddybear. "Love? I didn't think I was capable. Nobody thought I was. The doctors told me I wasn't, my family told me I wasn't." His face was red. He smiled into Jack's chest. "I love you? That's what this is? I… I do. I love you. I can say that, and it's true. I love you, I love you, I love you."

He tested the words on his tongue, the taste, the feeling, over and over again. He didn't stumble when he said it, or sound the least bit uncomfortable. He was more than surprised with himself. He'd always seen the concept of love as another human weakness, one of, if not the most, dangerous of them. He'd used it against others without any sign of remorse. The thought of having something like that affect him should've made him numb, had him lash out, grind it up at the roots like a weed in one's otherwise perfect garden.

He hummed, melodic and fond, nuzzling Jack, tangling their limbs together. He didn't want to let go. "I like you, I love you, darling," he sang. His heart did, too, and he grinned.

Valentine's chest seemed to be threatening to burst, and that should've been terrifying, everything should've been, but it wasn't! Not right now! He understood! Love, he was in love. He'd never felt this way about anything. He hadn't even known he'd been missing out so much.

Val laughed along with the other, the sound amazingly light, and pressed his face into Jack's hands, into the kisses, welcoming. His smile was shaky, but not out of anything negative, he just. Couldn't really handle his own emotions, he'd never felt this intensely without pain involved, it was kind of. Um. No wonder people obsessed over this.

Except Val had experienced obsession clinging to him, and… this wasn't like that. It was soft, kind, passionate, and important in a much closer way. Jack wasn't an interesting toy, he was a person.

Val squeaked and squirmed again in his lap, because what, he hadn't even known- but he was being kissed again and it was making him dizzy. Couldn't think. He looked at Jack, bewildered, when they parted again.

Through his daze, he realized the man was crying. Val brushed at the tears with his thin, careful fingers, and felt some kind of… pride, over the fact that he was doing the same thing Jack had done for him, back when it'd been dark and awful.

Val melted a bit. "I-it's mutual, then? Is that it? What does that mean? My head is spinning. I don't want to start crying again too, but I'm not sure how else to cope with this situation, all at once, um, ah. I thought you were going to get bored of me, my behaving like t-this of all things, but I, you- um!"

Val burned. He was almost certain he'd never had this much color in his skin. "I feel like… I want to do everything with you. Oh. Please kiss me again. And maybe. Do other things to me, too." He was dying, probably. This was death in the form of flustered torture and adoration that screamed and begged to be in the open.

Valentine was in a lovestruck daze that wasn't ending anytime soon, he found. He was staring up at Jack's ceiling and seeing endless stars, even after they'd finished for the second time that day. He gave a little sigh. Then, another, just to be thorough.

When he could will himself to move again, he stretched, and hummed a pleased noise at Jack for getting things clean. Comfy. "Washing machines, the most magical of inventions," Val mumbled. "I'll survive on more oversized sweaters, whatever. I'll also try not to cry anymore, or make you cry." Or cough up blood on anything too badly.

Then, he eyed Jack, warily. "Tired. But that doesn't mean you should be kissing me there, it's not helpful. My feelings and hormones apparently don't agree with my energy levels in the slightest, so, please." He gently tugged at Jack's hair. "Attention up here, unless you're planning on having me knocked out for a while again." Then again, he'd never had his blackouts caused by sex. Maybe it'd be more restful. That was tempting to experiment with.

He closed his eyes for a moment. "And… I'd like that, I think. Boyfriends. It sounds nice." Why did everything stick in his chest and stomach like this? Love? He swallowed thickly. He really loved this man. "As well as being your girlfriend, sometimes," Val added, much quieter.