mutual suffering

Jack was a bit embarrassed, but when Val kissed him, his doubts washed away.

He didn't have to? Jack smiled nervously. "Yeah, yeah. I guess so. It's been a while since I told anybody about this stuff. It gets a bit lonely, having only one other person knowing."

And then he listened.

Valentine was so young.

That one other person that knew of his past was older, harsher, sharper. He remembered Gabriel telling grand stories about his exploits, in the most arrogant tones possible, and they made Jack's experiences so much smaller. He wondered, did Val feel small when he told him about this? He was such a proud person. He didn't want his age and his experiences to humble him.

People were so small, fleeting and fragile. Val even more so than the usual. Jack stopped trying to compare his life with theirs because by those standards, he should be set above them, and that didn't sit right with him because self-imposed superiority made his stomach churn uncomfortably.

Val has gone through so much. So much.

It wasn't fair. Jack was a child when he was taken, and Val was a child when he was killed by his relatives and manipulated by his father. He knew the stories about Val. He didn't need to press his ears to the ground to hear them. Valentine Crowther was bad news, Valentine Crowther used people and manipulated them, Valentine Crowther touched a good girl and her life fell apart.


Valentine Crowther cried on his chest the night before and he wanted to ask him about his favorite colors.

"I'm so sorry you went through all that, my darling." He wasn't sure what else to say. He held him lightly, stroking his hair affectionately. He understood him, the objectification a little too close to home. He was sure Valentine knew.

"I think you're the prettiest girl, I like the earthier browns, and my favorite food is whatever's in the pantry. Sometimes I pretend to like sports because people expect it and I wait for them to realize I'm just throwing random sports lingo in conversations." He scooted closer until he was half on-top of him, holding Val's waist on each side, pressing kisses on his face and neck. "I watch Game of Thrones on censored HBO because I think it's really funny how nothing makes sense. It's like a post modern art piece. Speaking of post modern art pieces, they're bad, I hate them."

He nuzzled Val's cheek and grinned. His voice was lower. "I think I have a crush on someone in this room. But. Like. Only a little. Who knows, though."

Jack paused in the middle of what he was doing, suddenly flustered. He mentioned it offhandedly expecting a more sarcastic or annoyed response he could laugh and brush off but. The small voice surprised him. Heat rushed to his face, and the first thing that came out of his mouth was: "Um."

It wasn't rejection or anything of the sort, just surprise. Jack already decided that he loved him, or if he didn't yet, he would, regardless of Val reciprocating. He knew Val was. Sort of getting there, following the motions without knowing how it worked. He didn't expect he'd care, and not in this blatantly vulnerable way either. It was like exposing a weak spot. One wrong move and he'd scare his beloved back into his shell.

That was what made it so nerve wracking. He couldn't hurt him. Wouldn't even dare. Bare his heart if he must, that was fine, he has enough skin to spare for more scars. He kissed him gently and fondly, and before he really pulled back, pressed a lingering one on his forehead. "Not just a little." A pause. "You're important to me. I'll take care of you and protect you in any way I can from now on. You can hold me to that if you want."

Jack kissed Valentine's nose and pulled him close enough so he could feel the warmth that radiated off his body, rubbing his back in soothing movements. He must hear his heart racing from this position. Ridiculous.

"You have my number. Text me any time you want. I'll come visit you whenever you want me to. You don't have to be sick for it or anything." And he meant that. He always wanted to visit him, but he didn't want his visits to overwhelm Val. He might be tired or not want to see people. That was fine. "I'll hold you until you warm up. I'll hold you for as long as you want me to."

He nuzzled his head and pressed a small kiss to it. He felt kind of silly, being this shamelessly affectionate to Val, but that didn't make anything less valid or real. He was already his. He told him this.

"Anything. Anything."

Jack was quiet for a moment as he went over everything Val said. I can't breathe. Nothing make sense. Is it fixable? He could almost laugh, not out of amusement, but, well, same. This might be so distressing if he's never felt it before.

"Do you feel like... your chest is really tight, you can't think straight, you're dizzy and nauseous, and you can feel your heartbeat drumming at the back of your throat? And you feel kind of bad and needy and in pain?"

That was the bulk of it, right? It was like your heart was slowly being torn into pieces. People that wrote about love sure did love to suffer.

"That's... that's normal. You're fine. Nothing needs to be fixed. Just take it easy, love. If it starts really hurting, I can get you some painkillers." He brushed his fingers through Val's hair. "And don't worry about last time. Er, unless, you want to? I don't really see the point, ahh. It sounds stressful to talk about, if you ask me."

He buried his face in Val's hair. "I won't leave you. I promise."

"Er, sorry? I'm really big and hairy and muscular. It frustrates me too. I don't like bumping my forehead on low doorways or doing acrobatic tricks to stay in an airplane or tripping over shorter people or having people stare at me. It's, um, hard for me too. I'm not very cute." It was why he slouched out of habit. Some people really liked the scruffy, muscular look, though... Weird.

"N-nooo..." Jack paused, and before he continued, he pressed a number of small kisses on Val's lips for good measure. "I-I know you don't, darling, I'm not teasing you or anything, I just don't think you'd like it if I told you it's because... you like me?"

Ahh, that was probably a mistake. Jack wanted Val kissing him, eager and honest, wonderful in the best ways. Jack wanted this, all of this, to continue. He wanted to be selfish and relish this forever, because Val was only so giving. He didn't want him to realize that he could hurt him, clam up and shut the door on his face. Everything felt so sensitive right now. His heart was so weary and tired.

But keeping information, even information that he thought should be common knowledge, just seemed so icky and dishonest. Val was like a child asking about a weird thing they were feeling. He couldn't lie to him. "I think you're. Getting attached to me." Big words, crushes and romances, he shouldn't use right now, he thought. They were bad words. "That's okay. That's natural. You don't have to be afraid of them. I won't... use them to hurt you."

He promised he wouldn't leave Val. He wouldn't. But Val could leave him just as easily. That possibility loomed over him like a loud, big thing that wouldn't shut up. His face scrunched up, paling, terribly afraid. He was baring his entire heart with shaky hands, but he wasn't about to ask Val to be gentle with him. It was his fault.