emotional spectrum (alec)

@"Trahnael"

"Maybe it would be nice to be like other people, to be able to be say things. I say what's on my mind and I don't lie but when it comes to certain things... the words just tangle and knot in my head and refuse to leave my moutth. Like they're afraid of the world outside me," Max mused, staring into the gray concrete. It was true, whenever it came to things like what she felt or thought.

There were exceptions, though they tended not to be trouble-free either. "Sometimes they come out but they're not what they were supposed to be. They change... but I don't. I can't."

Max put her hands on the patch of concrete between her and Alec, twisting herself. Her knees were against the step, and she leaned forward, bringing her face inches from his with a fixated gaze from her vividly blue eyes. She was close, so close that she could feel his - their? - breath on her fair skin. Yet there was not the slightest hint of shyness or embarrassment on her features, nor any vestige of her inner worry. She wanted to ask him if he could see anything, if she was somehow showing anything.

"What do you see when you look at me?"

@"Trahnael"

"I never learned to express myself," she said, wistful inside and flat outside. Having never had that much experience socially, she didn't quite realize that leaning in even closer would put people on edge. Well, she had an inkling, based on reading, but theory never matched up to actual practice. "I grew up having to keep everything secret and now when I try I either choke on my thoughts and speak about rabbits or say everything I can even if it didn't matter."

It felt like the more appropriate choice was the latter one, as she'd already talked rabbits earlier at the roof. "I had no friends back when I was still somewhere else... nobody wanted to be near the creepy doll person who's always looking at them funny. I still can't stop looking at people like that, because I see their souls, their emotions, and they fascinate me. It's like a lively light show or a festival, but then I look down at my hands and I don't see anything."

She held up her palms to his eyes, fingers relaxed, some distance from her face on either side. They flexed gently, opening and closing, then cautiously touching Alec's face and feeling the contrast between his warmth and her own lack of it. "I can feel you, but I can't show what I feel, but it's warm and feels like home. Safe. Like a rabbit. All I can do is try and say what I think and hope the words don't refuse to leave."

@"Trahnael"

Max cupped Alec's hands as they closed around her own, gently squeezing on his fingers while he pushed them away and relishing the sensation of warmth. The faintest hint of a smile formed on her lips as she reluctantly let go and stared at her hands. "I see..." she said, eyes fixed on her palms and fingers, squeezing at the air. "Thank you, Paradox."

She thought a little bit on what his words meant, or the implications of her actions. There never was any concept of personal space for her to adjust to, as no one in her past had been close enough for the concept to apply. Contemplation began inside her thought process, as did curiosity. That faint smile grew more visible when her curiosity grew stronger.

"I never thought about that," she declared, subtly impressed. To most, it would prove common sense, but to her it was a revelation. "But I'm confused... what defines this space? Am I too close..? I see a lot of people so close to each other, hugging and kissing. What's the difference when they do it, and if I were to do it?"

@"Trahnael"

"My cheeks feel strange," Max mused aloud, fingers gently pressing down on her face. It had been a while since she last smiled, and her skin was nowhere near being used to the sensation. "Is there something wrong?"

The entire discussion of the concept of intimacy went mostly over her head, distracted as she was by her own cheeks. Affection was another rather alien concept, and even if she had listened, it would only have sprung even more questions. Instead, she swiveled her head around, looking for something reflective to look at her face, all the while muttering, "Strange..."

Her expression lightened up and her faint smile grew less faint, though tinged with a strange doubt. Under that mild demeanor, the thoughts spread and went out of control rapidly, forming a cocktail of fear, confusion, and happiness that only manifested as several seconds of silence.

"That would be... my words are lost again. They don't want to leave the safety inside of my head. I think they're scared of the strange feeling of my cheeks." Max squished her own cheeks again, still unsure what was going on. Some silence followed, and then she asked, "Why not Alec?"

A few more seconds of silence passed, and the slightest tinge of red appeared on her face. "Am I... smiling?"

@"Trahnael"

While it was probably not the most endearing name around, Clouds clicked with Max, and and she nodded appreciatively as best she could. "It's a good name. Much better than everything else I've been called. Even Max."

All the while, her barely noticeable expression turned to a mix of pleasant smile and worried confusion. The patting on her head didn't help either, as it was both comfortable and impossible to interpret. She said a doubtful "Thank you..." while still working her fingers and massaging her cheeks.

Affirmation that she was smiling lessened her worry, as it gave her some clue as to what that strange sensation was. Now, why she was smiling, on the other hand... it was a question for the ages. Max would have leaned in closer, but she remembered that Alec and / or Paradox didn't like that, and she stopped herself. Instead, she reached out cautiously and patted him on the head as well, then stared at her palms. "I don't get it..."