Private Finished Your secrets keep you safe, your lies keep you alive

Lochlann felt winded.

His breath was labored. The words failed to come at first. His fingers still clenched the edge of the seat. Lochlann's head bobbed up and down, his hair tossed like a belligerent horse. Yes, he shook his head, yes.

It would be a lie to say that Lochlann did not feel a shudder of apprehension, a slight twinge of revulsion at the thought of....whatever it was. He didn't have a name for Sabe's powers or gift or curse. If he thought about how it felt to have water force itself into his lungs like that, Lochlann could taste the acrid reminder of stomach acid clawing at the back of his throat.

It wasn't pleasant. It wasn't something Lochlann craved for the high of it.

Coming back from that dream had been like a hangover. It was like a bad trip. It was like the first moment when the sleeping pills made his vision tunnel. It was like the part of drinking where the intoxication wasn't fun, where he couldn't snap out of it, where he was

a less effective monster.

And it didn't do much to stop the hunger, but when his body was so fixated on trying to fix the problem of all the lingering effects of intoxication, the other things became secondary. He could never really forget about the gnawing feelings in his guts and his veins or the constant appetite for sex, but he could stomach it for a little while when he literally couldn't stomach anything else.

"Yes," Lochlann finally said. He should have moved from the chair, given Sabe some space, but Lochlann didn't relent. His words came out level and managed not to sound too eager. Lochlann spoke with the command of someone who expected to be answered. "I want to know how you did it. How much can you control it?"

Lochlann took a breath and then exhaled it in a shaky laugh.

His head was swimming. This felt like one of those spells that preceded him collapsing, the very thing that let him wind up in the infirmary to begin with.

Sabe could control it completely.

By all accounts, Lochlann should be pissed. He should be furious at the idea that someone got into his head and messed with his stuff without his permission. Despite the atrocities he committed, Lochlann was fae, and his life was bound by consent.

And control. Lochlann couldn't control himself. He couldn't control what he dreamed.

But Sabe could.

"Okay," Lochlann said. He took another deep breath. Another question. "Does it always have to be...."

He searched for the word.

The word he wanted was scary, but he was supposed to be scary. He couldn't quite bring the word to pass through his lips.

Asleep. Dark. Lochlann could do both of those things, though he was picky about the location. He felt safest in his small apartment. Sleeping was a matter of taking the right pills.

Lochlann swallowed.

He asked a different question.

"Does it have any negative consequences? " Lochlann asked. Then, he said, "For you I mean."

"Okay," Lochlann said.

His voice was firm. He spoke with the authority of someone who made up his mind and was used to getting what he wanted when he made up his mind.

That was far from the truth, of course, but at least this was settled for Lochlann. Sabe needed this. He needed this. If he wrapped it up as Sabe needed this, he could almost feel good about it, but Lochlann wasn't a liar and the truth was that he needed this.

Sabe's questions and the familiar way he spoke his name made Lochlann finally take a step back. His resolve did not lessen; rather, Lochlann felt that well-used barrier that shot up inside of him any time he thought about talking about himself. The same barrier that shot up at the idea of being vulnerable like that before someone.

But he needed this, and it was only fair.

"How much do you know about me, from being in my head?" Lochlann asked. His question was hesitant; now it was his turn to avoid eye contact. The real question Lochlann asked was this: Do you know what I am?

He tried to be nonchalant. He waved his scarred hand as if dismissing Sabe's concerns.

"I make myself throw up on a regular basis," he said. "And if you listen to half the rumors about me, people think I'm trying to kill myself anyway. "

He added, "I'm not, for the record."

He tried to search for an explanation that did not require him to look too deep inside of himself. He didn't know how much Sabe already knew. He didn't want to give him anymore than he had to.

Lochlann crossed his arms. He uncrossed them. He shifted his weight from one leg to the other before coming back to rest on one leg.

"It's a relief," he said, finally. "Knowing that something fucked up like that could be stopped. That it's not all me."

That he wasn't alone.

"Besides, I have a lot of energy to burn, and getting wasted from whatever you did to my head was a lot cheaper than my liquor store tab," Lochlann said.

"Okay," Lochlann said. He scratched at his inner elbow, his crossed arms unraveling so he could roll and unroll his sleeves for a minute.

Sabe knew.

That alone was terrifying, but in a way, it was also a relief.

What he was, his monsterness, was Lochlann's biggest secret, even here on an island filled with other monsters. Keeping this secret had been drilled and beaten into his head by his family. To violate that secret could mean death.

Talking about it was a foreign concept. It was equivalent to telling someone they could fly if they jumped high enough. Lochlann was too skeptical to try more than once.

But Sabe knew.

And Lochlann, maybe, had already suspected he knew. He thought he'd feel differently but instead, some of the tension came out of his shoulders.

"Okay," Lochlann said, again, but this time the resignation left his voice. He backed up a few more feet and then plopped his ass onto another desk. He considered this.

"I don't know you and I don't trust you," Lochlann said. He ticked these off his fingers. "You don't know me. I don't expect you to trust me. But I'm tired, Sabe, I'm really tired."

I'm desperate, he meant, but didn't say.

"Is it possible to establish....I don't know, rules? Boundaries? I don't know the limits to what you can do," he said. "Like no kinky stuff, for example? I don't really need you to see that."

Lochlann swallowed.

He wanted to say and nothing about my family, but these were nightmare, and wouldn't that be the best nightmare, the things he didn't want to touch?

Lochlann picked at the skin on the edge of his fingernails, his human fingers, and he asked, "Do you control when I wake up?"

Sabe laughed.

This was exactly the sort of thing that made Lochlann feel self conscious. He rolled and unrolled his sleeves again. He tried to ignore it.

But he couldn't.

Because the laughter made this whole thing seem less....daunting. More normal. More like Lochlann was back in the states and he was planning a practical joke on one of the teachers that they suspected would probably get them both in trouble.

Lochlann didn't laugh, but he wasn't gritting his teeth anymore.

"Okay," Lochlann said. He took in every peice of information that Sabe gave him and turned it over in his brain. He chewed on the inside of his cheek. He picked at his fingers again.

He said, "And I can't hurt you in my dreams, right? Like you'll be fine if I ...react?"

Eating regularly. Could they make this a habit?

It had been a long time since Lochlann had anyone help him with this. He used to see a succubus a few times a week, not even for anything physically intimate, just to have her feed on him.

Naturally he'd ruined that relationship by sleeping with her.

He eyed Sabe.

No, there was no chance he'd ruin this by trying to sleep with Sabe.

"We can figure it out as we go along then," Lochlann agreed. He finished with what should have been a threat but instead came our weary. "I'd prefer if you wouldn't mention this to other people. For obvious reasons."