Private Finished We've Seen the Scene of Sin

Addy was looking at him and her face was red.

Lochlann's first thought what that she was pissed at him because she'd come for him to comfort and here he was being lewd. But she called him out on it.

He'd never done it.

But he would have. In a heart beat. He wanted to so many times. He still wanted to now. Lochlann swallowed and then, to his surprise, Addy was readjusting her position, closer to what he'd been thinking about in his fantasies. He took a slow deep breath to try and calm himself but it wasn't working, because all he did was inhale her scent. She dragged his hands along her body to her abdomen.

He felt like she was challenging him.

He wondered if this was a test. He wondered if she was trying to see if he was a decent person, and the decent thing to do would be to keep his hands on her stomach and just hold like this, because this could....it could almost be chaste. Almost.

Lochlann was pretty sure he was going to fail.

"Something like this," he agreed. And he started to move one hand up and one hand down, stopping just at the hem of her pants and just below her breast.

He tried to make his touch innocent but he felt like his finger tips were on fire as he moved them along her body. He ached to think what it would feel like to touch her without her clothes on.

"I would start, well, like this," he said, making it clear that he would actually place his hands higher and lower without actually going it. "If it was your first time, I would touch you first. I would ask you where it felt good. I would spend so long just learning what you liked."

He swallowed. His mouth suddenly felt dry.

Because once he knew what she liked Lochlann would take her over the edge again and again.

She asked him about more questions and Lochlann had one for her. His heart was tarting to beat so much faster. She would be able to hear it with her head against his chest. There was no hiding it.

He tried to convince himself he was asking just as a friend. Just like someone would if they were expressing curiosity. He was trying to see how she felt about last night, that was all, to see if she'd really enjoyed it.

"Did you come?" he asked.

His voice sounded innocent. It sounded curious.

Lochlann felt anything but innocent.

Lochlann couldn't see Addy's face.

She couldn't see his.

Which was good, because Lochlann had closed his eyes and tilted his head back just a little, letting himself fully enjoy the sensation of her body ontop of his, his hands on top of her. God he ached to move them high and lower, but her hands were tight on his, and he knew it was because they were just friends and she didn't want him to move and further.

Fuck.

"I don't think you have to know what you want," he told her. "The important thing is that you feel good when you're doing it."

I could make you feel good, he thought.

He knew what he wanted. And it was...this. Only in his bed, with their clothes on a pile in the floor. He wanted to feel her bare skin against his.

Lochlann tried to swallow but his mouth was so, so dry. What the hell was wrong with him?

When she said that she came twice, Lochlann thought he would be okay. He thought he could picture her with her mouth gasping in ectasy, her fingers gripping the sheets, her back arched and--

His fingers clutched her and he wanted her so close to him but--

fuck
fuck
fuck

He sat up suddenly, keeping his hands on her so he didn't jar her, and slid her to the side of him for a moment. He reached over casually for his cup of tea and "accidentally" knocked a pillow over, which he then picked up and put over his lap. He took a quick sip of his tea anyway, but it was burning and scalded his tongue.

It didn't feel like it was burning as hot as he was.

Why couldn't he quit?

He couldn't look at her when he said the next few words because he was thinking about it. Christ he was really thinking about it. He said, "I think I could probably get you to three times at least. And--"

--that would be before you're even on my cock.

He didn't finish that sentence.

This was a test and he was failing.

He suspected the correct answer was something like, I've slept with a lot of people, Addy, and I wouldn't want to make you think you're just another piece of tail to me. You're my best friend and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our friendship, not after I finally got you back.

Lochlann's problem was that he often cared deeply about the people he slept with. Lochlann was fluent in the language of sex and fucking someone was one of the most intimate ways he could find to express how much he cared about that person. Addy wouldn't be a piece of tail if he slept with her. She'd be a person he cared about deeply and he would be doing everything in his power to make her feel as good as she made him just by being his friend.

He would have made her breakfast in the morning and eaten it in bed with her. He wouldn't have let her leave to go somewhere else, unless she wanted to, because Lochlann's plans would have been to just pick up from where they left off that night.

Lochlann's other problem was that it unfortunately made it so much easier for him to try and eat the other person, and not in the way where his face was buried between their legs.

He didn't want her to think he was disgusted or upset with her, so he settled back on the couch and slung his arm around her shoulder, pulling her back against the crook of his body but still keeping the pillow over his lap. He hoped she hadn't noticed. That could have complicated things. He kissed the top of her head again.


"I'm glad it was enjoyable for you," he told her instead. "It sounds like he was good to you."

I could be better, that voice said, and Lochlann tried to shut it up.

"Do you think you'll do it again?" he asked her.

The question was left open ended. He didn't know if he was asking with this other guy, or if he was trying to assess how she felt about last night now that they'd talked about it some. Feeling shame was normal. Even Lochlann had felt some, and fucking was literally part of what he was.

If Lochlann hadn't killed everyone he loved, this scenario would have gone very differently.

When Addy looked at him and said someone who could make her come three times or more, he wouldn't have waited. He would have leaned forward and pressed his lips to her. He would have confessed that he'd wanted her since they first met, that he'd missed her so much since she'd been gone, that she meant so much to him. He would have put all of that into a kiss, too, so she knew he was serious. He would have kissed her like he always wanted.

But because everyone he'd loved died, and because he'd killed someone only two months before Addy came back, he did not move.

Because he was a monster and he was so terribly afraid of loving her.

If she didn't laugh, if her laugh didn't break, he might have done it anyway, but that sound reminded him of why she was here. She didn't need him to fuck her until she came saying his name. She came here because she needed him to be a friend, he told himself.

She turned her body away and Lochlann wrapped his arms around her tight again, just holding her, and this time it was innocent.

Mostly innocent.

"Do you remember that day I saw you with Leon?" Lochlann asked. He worried about bringing up the man's name, worried it might hurt, but he wanted to explain to her what had happened. "I'd just slept with someone the night before. I'd wanted it, but I didn't want it."

Guin had also fucking stabbed him afterwards but that was pretty par for the course of their relationship.

He tried to figure out how he could express this to her, how he was trying to comfort her by letting her know she wasn't alone. He rested his head on her shoulder and his voice was close to her ear once more.

"I went to someone else to make me feel better, and it worked for a time, but eventually I was left with the consequences. I felt like a frayed wire and I wanted someone to fix me so bad but I was afraid of sparking them, afraid of burning myself out," he said. His voice was very quiet. It was easier for him to talk this way with Addy, because he knew her, and she knew all his secrets now. But that didn't mean it came naturally.

"I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, Addy, and I don't think what you did last night was a mistake. I think you were looking for something, and I think you found it," he told her. "But finding it doesn't mean it fixes everything else. I wish it did."

If it did, Lochlann would feel no regrets about even the thought of kissing her right now.

"I just want you to know that, no matter what you do, no matter what decisions you make, if you ever feel like you need someone, I will be here for you," he told her.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, feeling her hair against his face. If he leaned just a little bit, he could kiss her on the soft spot of her neck.

This was a test and Lochlann was determined to pass it.

If Lochlann understood what he'd just done, he never would have done it.

He suspected that Addy might be the best thing that ever happened to him. She was strong and smart, she was funny and brave, and she'd lived. He did not have too many people in his life that lived. She knew everything about him and she came back anyway.

Lochlann did not now what to do with that kind of acceptance.

In his life, he had never experienced anything like it. It was a beautifully feeling, but it was fragile, and Lochlann was so afraid of breaking it.

He suspected she might be crying.

He felt even worse for flirting with her like that. It was selfish of him. He wanted her so badly.

But she didn't let him see her tears so Lochlann let her have them. He only held her closer, taking a deep breath, and when he felt her body twitch with a sob Lochlann almost lost it. He wanted to turn her around. He wanted to pour his fucking heart out to her. He wanted to tell her that he didn't know he'd been dying without her.

But that's not why she came here, he reminded himself. Stop thinking of only yourself, you asshole. You almost fucking killed her. Why would you think she'd want to put herself in a situation where you could do it again?

When she told him she could come to him when she needed something, Lochlann slipped up.

He whispered, "You."

It was barely a breath let alone a whisper. His lips had formed the words but the air came out in an exhale. It was a confession from a ghost.

The sound was probably lost when she stood up.

Lochlann was lost when she stood up.

For one brief moment, he couldn't hide the expression that slipped onto his face.

It was want.

It was everything that came with want: pain, hope, lust, love.

Lochlann would never, ever think of himself as an addict. He believed he had everything under control, that cravings were something he just had to deal with and the easiest way to deal with his cravings for sex and death was to self-medicate as much as he could. He'd been sober now, too, just to prove that he could, but he'd still slipped up. It was just as he suspected--being sober made him a better monster, and Lochlann didn't want to be a monster.

He wanted to be with Addy.

He wanted to tell her don't go and pull her back on the couch. He wanted to tell her that she wasn't leaving until he'd cheered her up, and there was no way she was cheered up, not when he knew she'd been crying, he knew that this was eating her.

But if he asked her to stay he'd have to tell her about the black outs. He would have to tell her about losing time, about waking up and not remembering falling asleep, of feeling sick to his stomach every few days and just wanting to eat someone so damn bad. And that someone could be her.

Lochlann reached up and pushed his hair away from his face. He gave her a smile, a real smile, because he knew how easy it would be to love her and a part of him still did.

"My door is always open for you," he said.

And so is my bed, he thought.

He said, "Will you call me later? To make sure you're okay?"

Addy kissed him.

It was the kind of kiss Lochlann wanted.

It caught him off guard, derailed him so completely that his mind went blissfully blank. All his doubts, all his fears, all his insecurities shut up for just that moment. He kissed her back but he didn't have long because she pulled his hair and the pain felt so good. She exposed his neck and she bit him.

Lochlann let out a sharp hiss from between his teeth as her tongue worked across his neck and he could already feel the skin smarting.

This was

more than Lochlann dreamed about

and just like that, he was awake, panting, as Addy walked out the door.

She was so quiet when she left but she still didn't hear him say her name. Had he said it? Every beat of his heart was saying it.

He could barely breath.

Lochlann touched his fingertips to his lips, then to his neck, and then to his heart.



Lochlann sat there for a long time after she left.

Lochlann had made a lot of mistakes in his life. Pulling Addy into the ocean was one of the worst mistakes, but this?

This put every other thing he did to shame.