[Smoke and Mirrors] Her Mirror Image

Sarrain

The Salt Sea
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Christ, it was happening. He was telling her. Being vulnerable, open. Shay wasn't used to this part as much as she was used to being pushed away. Her hands trembled just like his, and her chest rose steadily in silent, rapid breaths of anticipation.

Shay was silent as death while Toby spoke, afraid that if she uttered a thing, made too sudden a move, he might close up and push her out for good. None of this could be real, could it? Toby. Her. This. None of this could be -- Shay breathed out steadily.

Nothing like a horror story. These things were scarier, and they were never clean or easily identified. So many rules to soften the traumas. But if something hurt, if it made you feel sick inside, wasn't it bad? It always started easier than that. A little coax. The promise that things will be okay. A special feeling.

Her lip trembled. She could see the similarities Toby was, and it should have made her stomach churn, given her some normal reaction, but it didn't. Shay was sad and that grief mixed with rage, as it always had for her. Shay wished she had something to fight. That all of this pain Toby was feeling was just some forest monster she could ram her head against until one of them died. If only things were that simple.

Shay lied when Toby did, keeping their distance. She stayed on her side, using one arm as a makeshift pillow, body facing him, and watching the expressions he gave as he spoke. The grin caught her by surprise. It didn't unnerve her, but it made things a little more real.

Two sides, fighting for control. The one who won was the one fed more. Where had Shay heard that before? That was Toby -- or maybe it was just people. Two sides fighting. The dark and the light, always wanting control. Some struggled more with it than others, Shay thought.

When Toby finished telling what Shay assumed was only part of a very long tale, she was quiet. She watched him, caught in this moment too late to go back and too apprehensive to go forward. Change. No matter what, after this, everything would change. How it would do so, Shay didn't know yet.

"Toby," her voice was too soft, only just carrying over the stillness of the store. She curled further into herself. Why wasn't she sick? Why wasn't she worried about being here with him alone? She wanted to reach out and touch him, but that wouldn't have gone over well, so she resisted the urge.

"Toby," she said again, no louder than the last. Were there words to describe her sense of understanding here? The sorrow and sense of protectiveness she had for him because of this?

"If this is too hard you don't have to keep talking about it." That felt correct enough. Words weren't adequate. They had never been.
 

Tom Marvolo Riddle

the dark lord
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Jul 19, 2015
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Toby looked at Eroshay when she said his name. He'd been avoiding it, but he gave in, too weak willed to do much else. Her voice was very soft. He wet his lips gently, not saying anything in return, waiting for her to make a move. He turned over and copied her position, head resting on one arm, and observed her face. His brows furrowed, just a little. He wasn't sure what that expression meant, nor what he was supposed to do with it.

"No. You need to hear it. You need to know what I am." He was as firm on this as possible, clearly not budging. He swallowed, clearing his throat and starting again, now that he'd confirmed Eroshay was following along and understanding the setup thus far.

"I've told you about my history before… and I left vital information out. Back when my piece of shit father cheated on my mother and I first caught it, I was surprised, and… offended. I was nearly fifteen, like your sister, at the time. Older and worse than I'd been, though still a child. I didn't think I was." He laughed and waved a hand. "But that's what every child thinks. Stupid, stupid."

He went quiet, closing his eyes, and sighed. "She was beautiful. I loved her. I loved her. I didn't tell her what he did, back then, when I should've, we… I decided to spare her feelings on the truth there, but offer my… comfort. He wasn't around. He never slept with her anymore, nothing, and she was lonely. I was around. And I wanted to. I wanted to touch her, and do things to her, and I wanted to be loved unconditionally. She gave me that. It was suffocation and heaven."

Toby swallowed. "You know this part. Most of it. When my father finally couldn't fall back on those fucking—" He cleared his throat. "Nice women he found, he came crawling back to her. The nerve on the bastard. Pathetic. And she wouldn't. She wouldn't sleep with him, now. It'd been years, of course she wasn't going to, but he knew something was wrong, because she normally would've been submissive. Gross… A-and he yelled at her! Called her-- what you would've called the women he'd been with. I came home from highschool to that shit. So I couldn't help it. I dragged his garbage out into the open, the hypocrite. Fuck, I hate humans. And I… I made it clear that he wasn't so wrong, and she had been with someone else. I told him who it was."

"Me," he said, in a very small voice, eyes glazing over. "Her own son. Fucking her. Getting myself and her murdered, because I blurted that out, I mocked him with it, gave him details. I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking, I was just, reveling in how horrible it all was, how disgusting I felt, how much I wanted to die right then, and how I was laughing instead. Couldn't stop laughing, hysterical. He beat me to death while I was fucking laughing, and then went for her. And I was too busy mending my goddamn flesh back together and squealing from the pain to do anything. She was dead and he was dragged to prison, never to be seen by me again, and I went from the hospital to Starlight Academy before I could so much as blink."

Toby was quiet for a long time. Then, a hiccup, and he started crying big, ugly tears.

"She fucked me up so bad," he choked out between sobs, "And I miss her so much!"
 

Sarrain

The Salt Sea
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Jan 30, 2016
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Need to know what I am. Like she'd hate him like she didn't know. Was blind to it -- blinded by love and friendship. But Shay had never been unable to see the ugliness of the people and the world around her.

Eroshay never broke eye contact as he spoke. Truthfully, she was no fan of meeting a person's eyes -- her's had always given away more than she liked -- but she wanted Toby to know she was there. She wasn't running. And she wasn't disgusted. Was it foolish? Maybe, but when had that ever stopped Shay before?

Pity was not what Shay felt when Toby went on to tell her that his father cheated (he'd been careful not to insult the women he was cheating with, and Shay wondered why that was). No, Shay didn't pity Toby about any of it, because pity was terrible and it didn't do shit. She felt a surge of defensive rage. She felt the need to hold him close and protect him from the darkness. To be strong. To be there. To do as she'd always done.

If Toby's mom hadn't done this to him -- if she hadn't preyed on him, Shay wondered if he'd have turned out differently. Would he still want all this negative attention? Would he still want to hurt people? Would he still love to do filthy things? How much of it was a method of survival and how much was just him? And did it matter? Shay supposed not. It only mattered on Toby's road to recovery, but not in the sense that it would have changed Shay's decision.

When Toby began to cry, Shay didn't care to keep her distance any longer. She reached out and caressed his cheek, making soothing sounds. From experience, Shay knew that the pain never really went away when you lost someone. There was always something missing, especially when you considered it your fault as she imagined Toby did.

"I'm so sorry Toby," she whispered, holding back her own tears. This pain was unreal, why couldn't she just take it all away from him? Make it better in the blink of an eye. "I'm so sorry. If I could take it all away, I would." All the ugliness of the world. To shove the darkness somewhere deep and far away where no one could reach it.

"But you're not filthy, Toby, and you don't disgust me. You never will, you hear? I..." how could she explain it? "I like you Toby, and I trust you, even if you don't trust yourself. I'm here, and I'm not running away or pushing you out. Not ever." She pulled him into an awkward hug, slow and gentle as to give him room to breathe or move away if he so needed it.

"I know it doesn't count for much, but I think you're beautiful -- even inside. Knowing everything I do about you, seeing the stuff you've done, hearing the death you've caused -- none of that scares me. I just wish you could see yourself as I see you."

Was she saying the right things? Or was she only making it worse? Would Toby be mad at her? Would she make him cry? Would she make him snap?
 
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