Private Finished Never Getting Rid of Me

Yuki stood there: wavering hesitant, unsure.

He'd come here on pure momentum, but now that he was actually here, now what? He'd brought his textbooks, laptop, study material, even a pillow and a lap desk for comfort. He had already done the prep work; he was already here; he had already thought out his speech; there was no turning back.

And besides, he wasn't here for himself.

"Gabe..." He knocked, then corrected himself. "Gabriel. Gabriel Vega." He didn't deserve to use Gabe's name properly.
Yuki could feel it: there was more than just a wall or two between them. There was a world of pain and hurt that widened the gap; the rift that the boy had torn in the other's heart. The thought alone hurt, and tears welled up in his eyes, but he couldn't. He wouldn't let himself cry. He was on a mission - now was the time to be strong. For Gabriel. For himself. For their love, and everything it stood for.

He wouldn't abandon his friend. He couldn't do that to him. "I..." He began, then raised his voice. "I, Yuki Hayashi, have come to you, Gabriel Vega, to make a declaration. And in case you aren't here, or aren't listening, I am recording a voice message on my phone to send to you later." He paused. He could feel the people in the other apartments staring at him. Judging him. Willing him to shut up and leave. They wanted him gone. They wanted him dead. They didn't want him near Gabriel ever again because he'd done something unforgivable and had broken him forever and there was never going to be a Gabe ever again because Yuki had torn him into shreds and spat out the remains and--

NO. Yuki slapped himself around the face, willing with all his might to force his breathing to stabilise. He had to be strong. He was going to be strong. He was going to suck it up and face it, because Gabe had been through much worse because of him. And because Gabe deserved to not have to deal with yet another one of Yuki's stupid panic attacks.

He continued. "I don't expect you to forgive me," he said as he used every ounce of strength he had to keep his voice clear and steady. "Because I am objectively the scum of the earth. The worst person to exist. I don't deserve to live, but here I am anyway. By some sadistic force of nature."

"I abandoned you. I left you alone when you needed me most. I used you; clung to you for support. For healing. For guidance. And yet the one time you needed me, the one time you absolutely needed me by your side, I was too wrapped up in my own fucking arse to be there!" He shuddered, both with emotion and at the horribly foreign feeling of curse words coming out of his mouth. The residents probably doubly hated him now, listening in on this private moment. But how could it be private when he wasn't allowed into Gabe's world?

"But I'm back. Because I love you. I love you, and I don't care if you hate me back. You can beat me, scream at me, even close your hands around my neck, and I'll still be glad you were the last person I saw in my life." He said, silent tears falling from his cheeks. Dammit, he'd said he wouldn't cry, but it just... it felt so relieving. So releasing. A weight was lifted off his shoulders as he realised he couldn't live without Gabe. That life without him wasn't worth suffering through. And he needed Gabe to know that.

"So I'm here. To prove to you I won't leave. Even if you tell me to go, I'm going to stubbornly stick here. I'll prove my loyalty to you. My love for you. Every day I will return to this spot, by hook or by crook, to show you I care. I still love you, no matter who you are. And I always will." His voice continued to carry despite his tears. "Throw me away. Hit me. Or even break up with me..." He winced at the break in his voice; the crack in his resolve. He was willing to accept that. As long as Gabe was in this world, he could be happy. Even if meant that they became strangers. That Yuki became a stone by the wayside - a pebble for Gabe to kick away.

"...and I'll still be here. I love you, Gabriel Vega, and through hell or high water, I'm here. I'll be here."

Sending the voice message to Gabe's phone, he sat himself down next to the door and set up his lap desk, turning on his portable wifi hub and emailing his teachers with the excuse that he was sick and would like to receive cover work so he wouldn't slip behind. As he awaited a reply, he opened up a book to read.
This wasn't about him. It was about Gabriel, and Gabriel needed him. Now so more than ever.

Why hadn't he realised that sooner?

@ArcanaFate

Yuki didn't stop coming after that. He came again the next day, announcing his presence and sitting there as he continued his work, sending voice messages to Gabe as he spoke.

Then he returned the next day, except he didn't stay. Because Dr. Nakano had told him to give Gabe space. But he didn't want to abandon Gabe completely. Because if Gabe wasn't happy, he wasn't happy. He wasn't allowed happiness. But Dr. Nakano would probably tell him off for thinking that way, so whenever the thoughts came he just repeated the phrase she'd taught him.

"I am loved." He whispered to himself as he stood in front of that familiar door. "I'm here again, Gabe." He called aloud as his fingers hit send on his messaging app.
And then he noticed the note. Taped to the bottom of the door, he saw an envelope. He picked it up gingerly, and it smelt like Gabe; like comfort; like home. The scent of jasmine and sweet pea and ylang ylang and all the wonderful flowers that grew in Gabe's shop all mixed together in one, as if the sun itself were caressing him in gentle light. The thought of it alone made him tear up a little.

He missed his friend. Missed him so much. Missed him more than he did in the week Gabe withdrew - than in the week Yuki sorted out his feelings - than anything he'd ever felt in his life. He wanted to see him. Living. Breathing. Smiling. His chest hurt just thinking about it.

Yuki, I'm ready as I'll ever be. Come by tomorrow [Friday]. Skip school if you can. I don't want to be rushed.

Yuki felt his heart contract. The smell of Gabe got stronger. He could practically hear his voice in his ear as he read; its warmth enwrapped him in a loving embrace.

It's kind of funny that you let me into your heart a month ago and cried on my shoulder and now I'm about to let you in literally. Please don't lose the key. Just come in tomorrow and let's talk.
Love
Yours
Always
-Gabe

He felt himself well over, his heart's contents spilling onto the floor as the tears fell. Hope and sorrow and happiness and fear all took him at once. He couldn't stay here anymore. Couldn't talk. He couldn't bear the idea of Gabe hearing him cry, hearing that he was still weak. He didn't want that. He wanted to head in there right now. To go and tell him he was so sorry and he didn't expect Gabe to ever forgive him but to also tell him that yes please forgive him because a life without him wouldn't be one worth living but that didn't mean that Gabe had to worry because Yuki would be able to survive without him but also he wouldn't because it would hurt so much just like how he hurt Yuki and that maybe he deserved it but he could be happy as long as Gabe found someone better than him that he actually deserved to be with because Gabe deserved so, so, so much better...

But for today, it was just... it was time to go to counseling. Not knowing how to feel, he simply typed three words and hit send, sniffling as he left.

[I'll be there.]

"Gabe? I'm...here." Yuki knocked gingerly, hearing the sound of woodboard (and not actual wood, unsurprisingly) carry down the hallway like the beat of a taiko. He didn't know what to do, what with Gabe suddenly feeling... closer. He could hear sappy music in his head - the violins sighing out a simple harmony while the contrabasses soothingly hummed an accompaniment, a piano carving out a light melody in the tenor range - high enough for Yuki to sing. He steeled himself, taking a deep breath as he opened the door expectantly and the instruments swelled —

To be met with an empty room. Instantly the scent of flowers pervaded, the memories of his possibly ex-boyfriend flooding him; threatening to drown him in tears already. Gabe's singing voice echoed into the room, making Yuki's breath hitch a little. He had missed it. Missed it so much. The clumsiness, the tenderness, the comfort it brought. Even if this would be the only way he'd ever hear Gabe's voice again, that would be enough. Enough for him. But he had hope. Dr. Nakano had told him that she believed in them, so maybe, just maybe... things could work out.

The curtains were drawn, letting the soft sunlight illuminate the room. A few sheets of paper graced the coffee table, glimmering in the orange light as he gingerly picked one up. He was vaguely aware of the splashing sounds, meaning that Gabe was probably still in the shower. His face warmed at the thought - best not be caught awkwardly standing around. But then... what could he do? This wasn't his house. He decided to bring a bottle of water to the kitchen table and sat himself down, letting the warm sunlight shine on the paper as he read.

But by all means, I should hate you.

Wait... what? Yuki went back to the table, picking up all the pieces of paper before sitting down and putting them in the right order. Thankfully, Gabriel had gone to the effort of putting page numbers on them. He began anew.

You left me. I gave you my heart and you left me.
Yuki winced. Gabriel was right. This was why he didn't deserve his love. This was why he didn't deserve to even be in the same room. To breathe the same air. To exist in the same universe. But he kept reading.

Fuck me for trusting you and fuck you for hurting me. Yet, I still can’t bring myself to do it. To hate you.

Yuki sobbed a little. Even after all he'd done, Gabriel didn't... but... it didn't make sense. Yuki had been thinking about Gabe too. And how much Gabe had changed him. And that no, Yuki had never had a mask, not with Gabe. He had shown him everything, even the parts he hated about himself. And the bits...he didn't even know about himself. And the smiles, and the laughs, and the way his eyes crinkled a bit when he was happy, and the way his nose wrinkled when he cried. The first person he'd ever shown that to outside of Yato... was Gabe.

The memories flooded back. The time he'd caught Gabe dancing; the time he'd had his first panic attack in front of anyone on the island; the time they'd nearly kissed. And through all of that... Gabe was still thinking of him. He was too good for Yuki. Yuki didn't deserve him; didn't deserve anything. He didn't deserve to be happy. Didn't deserve to be sad. Didn't deserve to smile, or cry, or laugh, or wail when he'd done something so horrible to someone so pure and good and who deserved so, so, so much better than...

You are loved.

Dr. Nakano's voice cut through his thoughts, ringing in his mind and dispelling the demons. He wiped his eyes, focusing on the paper in front of him. It was in Gabe's handwriting. The ink was black. It was on blank printer paper. Gabe's handwriting was fairly straight despite being a little disjointed in places. The paper was smooth, and if he rubbed it he could feel the smooth, slightly sticking feeling of resin. He sighed, stifling his sniffles.

"I am loved..." He whispered, and carried on reading.

He didn't even notice someone entering the room.

Yuki stared at Gabe, looking like a deer caught in the headlights. Crap.

His eyes were still red, and he hadn't touched up his concealer. He couldn't let Gabe know he'd been absolutely wrecked by everything that had happened. By everything he'd done.

He couldn't think straight. Couldn't think at all. He just nodded, holding back any more crying noises with all his might as he quickly took out his compact mirror and covered the bags under his eyes, putting some eye drops in so the repeated waterworks would be less obvious.

Had he just imagined that encounter? He thought to himself as he slowly went to the couch.

Yuki realised he was still wearing his shoes. Crap.

He changed into house slippers quickly, then tried to slouch to seem more calm and relaxed. He just looked like he'd melted into the sofa. He tried sitting upright. He looked like a doll ready to be played with. He tried lying down on the couch. Now that just looked stupid. Finally deciding that enough was enough, he just sat normally, with his hands in his lap. He had to look calm and neutral and ready for anything.

Tmp. Tmp. Tmp. He heard the footsteps of his executioner draw nearer.
Tmp. Tmp. Tmp. Clad in red, wooly socks.
Tmp. Tmp. Tmp. Prepared to pass his final judgement. Would Yuki die or would he be allowed to live?

It was time to find out.

"Erm... Hiya, Gabriel," He managed, trying hard to not let his eyes roll back at the sound of his voice. It was like water in the desert; like food in the famine; like the first note of a symphony. He still didn't deserve to call Gabe by his name. But if Gabe would give him that permission, well... "I... I missed you." He smiled sadly, looking at the floor. Begging himself to not go all mushy and gooey and happy just at the thought of being near Gabe as he sat down.

There were so many things he wanted to tell him. So many things he wanted to explain. So many things he wanted to apologise for. But he needed to let Gabe start. To let him take the lead. To only go where he was comfortable going. And that was something he'd learnt from therapy. So he settled with...

"So you wanted to talk."