Private Finished Never Getting Rid of Me

"I missed you, too... and call me Gabe. Gabriel sounds like I'm getting into trouble..."

Yuki nearly sobbed, remembering the first time they'd met. When Gabe had introduced himself, and when Yuki had given him the "let's be friends" card. How long ago had it been now? They'd barely known each other. At that point, he'd never, ever have guessed that... that they'd be here now. That he'd have had so many firsts with another-- with Gabe. It was all he could do to nod and scrunch his eyes tight, taking a deep breath and looking up behind his eyelids in the hope that his eyes wouldn't well over again. He was honestly surprised his tear ducts could handle all this use.

He didn't even notice the final page.

He was crying. Gabriel was crying. Again. Because of him. Again. So badly did Yuki want to tear his heart out, to give it to Gabe. To show that he loved him with every fibre of his being. To maybe, just maybe, stop this tight feeling in his chest that was just like an episode but worse. Because it came with sadness and all kinds of feelings he couldn't control.

He broke.

He broke, and told Gabe everything. Everything from start to finish. What the reason why he ran was. What the reason why he knew their relationship was unhealthy the way it was. What the reason why he was like this was. All of the truths he'd tried so hard to bottle up came rushing out of him, tearing themselves free from his heart to wrap themselves around his chest and his eyes and suddenly he was crying all over again and he couldn't stop except he could. Because Gabe was there. Because Gabe was alive. Because Gabe was with him.

"So it's not you," he finished. "It was never you."

"...and it never could be."

"You... You should." Yuki sniffled, the both of them crying now. The same beautiful tears that came as a result of your heart overflowing. He was glad. Glad that Gabe would get help. That they could both start repairing themselves. That they could start building their relationship into a healthy one. "You're... You're not weak for getting help. I need you to... To remember that. It's just..." He tried to find something to compare it to. "It's like when you have a problem. Like toothache. And you go to a dentist to help yourself get better." He said. "It doesn't mean you're any... Any less strong. It actually means you're... Strong enough to admit it." He smiled through the tears.

His eyes widened, he had to admit, when Gabe gave him a note. It looked scrawled a little, like it was made in a rush. And what he saw broke him all over again.

He cried. He wailed like a child, the sound echoing throughout the entire apartment. He wanted to hug Gabe. He wanted to die, so that his last moment could be this one. So he could be this happy forever, even if it meant he also had to be a bit guilty and sad. Words weren't enough, and never would be. So he cried. And cried. And cried. He was unstoppable. Inconsolable. But free. He couldn't stop, because his heart had been filled to the brim with love. The kind of love you couldn't even describe. He couldn't stop, because he felt happy. He couldn't stop, because he was so relieved. Gabe didn't hate him. He had to believe it. After he had done all these horrible things, Gabe still loved him, by some miracle.

He couldn't stop wailing. He could feel Gabe's concern, but how could he even begin to explain how he felt? Maybe even tears wouldn't be enough.

So he wept.

Gabe loved him.

His heart sang. His brain swam.

Gabe loved him. And he was saying it out loud. And stroking his hair. And murmuring in his ear. And everything was going to be alright now. Because he had-- because they had each other. He could feel it. A bright future was coming. One with no more running, or trauma, or hurt, or anything horrible that could break the two of them ever again.

Things weren't returning to the way they were before. They were getting better. What did you say in response to such hope? Such joy? Such love? Gabe forgave him. Gave loved him! Gabe wanted him! He could hear the universe itself sing with happiness. He never wanted this feeling to go away. He cried louder as Gabe told him, time and time again, that he was loved. That he loved him. That this could be good. That they could be good. They could more than survive.

But as all good things came to a close, he felt the tears slowly start to fade. A tiredness washed over him - the result of a sleepless night. Or four. His concealer had rubbed off in Gabe's shirt, but he didn't care. The bags under his eyes were revealed, and his eyes were still sore from crying, but he had no shame. He looked into Gabe's eyes: into those beautiful grey irises that had flecks of green no matter what Gabe said. He ran his hands through Gabe's hair - it was soft and smelled of everything good. And he buried his face in Gabe's shoulder. He was warm. Warm like the sun that lit him up like a halo. Warm like the spring that melted away the snow. Warm like the flames that vanquished the ice of a frozen heart. He smiled as his walls all melted away.

Today he was going to do everything, and say everything, and feel everything he wanted.

He looked at Gabe's lips with a small smile, licking his own.

Yuki's smile grew. He leaned into the touch, a look of pure bliss on his face. Everywhere Gabe touched felt safe. Protcted. His fingers sent electrifying shivers down his spine, down everywhere. It was amazing. He could honestly stay sat like this for hours. Curled up on the couch, Gabe underneath him, unable to leave without moving him but unwilling to do so. He wished every day could be like this.

It was time to be bold - he might as well make use of this newfound shamelessness. "Why should I be hungry?" He tucked Gabe's hair behind his ear. "My main course is right here." He giggled, softly pushing his lips against Gabe's. They were chapped, but he didn't care. He didn't expect Gabe to put on lip balm every day, even if Yuki had been doing so. (Not because he'd expected any of this, but because he hadn't been drinking enough water to replace all of the moisture he'd lost through tears. And he'd cried a lot.) He softened his grip on Gabe even more, taking the time to truly appreciate the way he felt. In more ways than one.

Gabe's hand was tracing his back, rubbing him comfortingly. His touch was firm, yet soft, hands worn tougher by effort but yet still reassuring and gentle. Yuki's own body was so soft, so fragile compared to Gabe's. It made him want to hold him tighter, because there was more of him to hold. Because he had strength where Yuki had weakness. But Yuki didn't mind that. He didn't mind that Gabe was stronger than him physically. They were both strong the way it counted. Or at least, getting there.

He would have coaxed Gabe's lips open with a small noise of yearning, going further. But this sweet moment was interrupted by his stomach growling.

He he hadn't had breakfast. Or lunch. And his body was starting to punish him for what he'd put it through. (It even betrayed his face going pink.)
"...crap." He laughed, hiding his mouth with a soft fist as he tore his gaze away from his boyfriend. Damned body, coming between the two of them. "I guess it's time to order lunch. But let me handle it." He said, reluctantly sliding off of Gabe's lap and focusing on his phone and definitely not thinking about where exactly he'd wanted to go. How far had he been willing in that moment? He wasn't sure. What he did know, at least, was that he was going to spoil Gabe. To get him the very best, and nothing less. He was going to use the concierge function the way he'd always wanted to.

"Hi, is that Jamie? Yes, I'd like lunch for two, please. Yes, the seasonal menu." He paused, scrolling through the website. "Yes, for two. And we won't need table service. Please just deliver the trays to..." he looked at Gabe, asking with his eyes if it was okay to say where they were. He was glad to see him nod, if somewhat confusedly. He gave the address. "Yes. We'll leave the trays outside and I'll give you a call when we're done. Let me know when the food will be arriving." He hung up with a satisfied look on his face. He felt kind of cool, and important. He had been wanting to play the cool, leave-it-to-me-I'm-rich card since forever. And now he could do it for Gabe.

"Lunch is sorted." He grinned, sitting down next to Gabe and nuzzling into his shoulder. "Now where were we?"

"Then let's do anything." He hummed, relaxing completely into Gabe until he was nothing but a small, bony marshmallow. He'd heard of spooning but he didn't even need to do that right now - he was busy trying to fit back into the space he'd left in Gabe when he'd left. And trying to fit Gabe back into the space he'd left when they'd been torn apart by his actions. He was keen to make up for lost time.

He relaxed, and found himself getting sleepy. He hummed softly, feeling the tiredness of the entire week take over him as he let it. Gabe's warmth surrounded him, lulling him gently, soothingly into a well-earned rest. He was glad that Gabe had chosen to make the entire day theirs. He was glad he'd listened.

And he was especially glad he'd come when school would've started. So that they could take their sweet time. He gave in to warmth. To love. To rest.

"I love you means you're never ever, ever, getting rid of me." He whispered with a smile as sleep took him.