Private Finished Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found

"But I didn't die on the battlefield - I died in the water and came back fallen." He closed his eyes, and when he spoke again his voice was low and hollow. As if quoting someone he said, "I'm no longer an angel and not part of the fight, a pitiful ghost with no cure." Increasingly uncomfortable with Wynnestri's hand on his shoulder, Ishvi punctuated his statement by going intangible and taking a few steps away.

"I couldn't, even if I somehow found another outpost. I can't go back to the pointless fight. And that was the only thing I was.. accepted for. But punishment... I don't expect it here. Not even for falling, which was my fault. The battle - no one knew they had a way to make it permanent. And maybe, maybe it was just a regretful mistake I wasn't there. But falling..." Ishvi sighed, keeping his eyes closed. "... It's a lot like drowning. Except it's never an accident. I wasn't strong enough. I - and I won't be punished. No one even seems to understand that a fallen angel is that falling is - it should never happen. I was falling and I didn't stop myself. I was alive and falling but there was still - I could've done - something. And then I-I tried. I couldn't even die right. And it's the good ones that are dead. "

Ishvi's eyes opened at that, but he turned away. This was a mistake. "I shouldn't have disturbed you."

Ishvi shook his head. Perhaps he was being stubborn, but this conversation was only reminding him that the island wasn't his home. "No. You are not my god. You, you can't tell me what he wants me to do. All I know is I've fallen, I did something wrong. And home is lost, less than a handful of survivors, and we are all here fallen."

He'd returned to tangibility when he'd escaped Wynnestri's hand on his shoulder, but even if he hadn't, Ishvi wouldn't have walked through the demigod. So he just stood and stared for a moment, wings fluttering his only movement. He muttered, "The other angel understood." Before turning to look at the sky.

"Sunrise soon." His tone stayed flat, though he'd cut it closer than he'd intended and wasn't actually sure he'd be able to make it back to the dorms without getting burnt. "What kind of angel can't handle the sunlight?Why do people - why do you care? This island- it's all mercy and no justice."

"It doesn't matter what I want! My family raised me. They gave me a chance to be better than I am. I thought they'd lied when I found out they'd said I'd fallen just because I left. But it was just - a prediction. I failed my home. I keep failing. And now it's like existing is a betrayal to their memory. No, I don't want to be fallen, but I am. Denying it would be a lie."

Ishvi shook his head. "It sounds nicer, to build people up. I think I never heard of merciful angels until I came here. We - they were all warriors. I shouldn't... I don't know."

He stayed staring at the sky for a moment longer, then sighed. "It's not home. I want to... No, I should head back. Burning in the sun won't solve anything. I - I did not mean to waste your time." Not waiting for a reply this time, Ishvi flew off. If he did get a little singed before getting back, maybe the pain would help him shift out of this form.