Private Finished If you're calling me out, count me out

Kaz was bleeding.

He was hunched over the toilet in the bathroom, grasping onto the wall, and trying to will his body to either throw up or stop feeling nauseous because he couldn't take it anymore. He split a long, goopy strand of blood out and then wiped his mouth on the back of his hand.

He didn't like that, so he immediately balled up toilet paper and dabbed at it but he felt like his hand was stained red.

He remembered the line in Macbeth: out, damned spot.

"Fucking fantastic," he said to himself. His voice slipped out with the faintest traces of an accent, one that he pushed back even as he rested his head against the wall of the bathroom stall, which was absolutely disgusting when he thought about it, but Kaz decided not to think about it.

He swore he'd never get this bad ever again, but here he was, trying to figure out if he was bleeding to death internally. It didn't hurt so much as it felt like he was a bathtub that was slowly being drained of water. Kaz knew what he needed: misery. Someone else's misery. If he could cause it, even better. It was going to have to be a big kind of misery. Kaz was going to have to hurt someone really badly if he wanted to recover from this.

He took a deep breath, straightened himself up, and left the bathroom stall to wash his hands. Even in the mirror he looked off. His skin was pale, his light hair looked like it was made of straw, and his eyes had the glassy look of someone with a fever. He pulled his glasses out of his coat pocket and things improved.

Kaz returned to the table he'd been sitting at in the cafeteria for lunch. He almost through himself into his chair, but instead, he sat down delicately, trying to look composed.

Kaz needed a target.

He needed a target fast and...

"Jake?" Kaz said, recognizing a familiar face in the crowd of people walking by.



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@Wolfie

ooc: let me know if you need a bit more of an entrance. sorry about the post length! next few responses will be shorter

Jake's question terrified him because for one moment, Kaz almost said no.

He almost said, I think I might be dying again.

He almost said, I'm so sorry, Jake.

But he caught himself, and Kaz steeled himself for what he would have to do. Fuck. he wished it wasn't Jake. Kaz liked Jake. He liked playing with Jake. The other boy was a much better guitarist, but there was something about strumming the back-up chords to a song with him that made Kaz feel like they were speaking the same language. It didn't matter that they both literally spoke the same language. Kaz didn't have to worry about word choice when he was playing a rift. But that was his mistake. Kaz shouldn't like

"Yeah," Kaz said, clearing his throat. He still tasted blood in the back of it, so he reached over and opened his can of soda. He took a sip while he tried to think of just what he was going to do to make sure he lived through the night.

"You have any plans for the afternoon?" Kaz asked him.

Smooth Kaz, he thought. But he needed to buy some more time.

Kaz's heart started to thump.

He tried to calm it down but...oh god, what was he about to do? Could he really go through with this?

For the moment the look he gave Jake was sympathetic. Kaz's eyes looked pleading, the brows arched up and his lips downturned into a smile that made it clear that he was hurting. But it didn't matter. Kaz steeled himself and his expression did its best to fall into line with the words he was going to say.

This was tricky.

Kaz couldn't technically lie.

But there were a hell of a lot of loopholes and phrases that he could utilize to hurt someone.

Kaz was hurting. He swallowed. He needed to do this fast.

"No, that won't be necessary," Kaz said.

He wanted to say I wouldn't like that, but it would have been a lie. Kaz would have very much liked that. He knew it would be passed tense because Jake would never speak to him again, Kaz figured.

He didn't know that Jake could probably smell the blood on him.

"I don't really know you," Kaz said. He swallowed. "And I don't think you really know me that well."

He swallowed.

The next part was hard. It involved timing. It involved--ah, yes, there it was, a quiet lull in the conversation in the cafeteria. It would never be completely silent, not like in the movies, but it was quiet enough that all Kaz had to do was raise his voice and most people would hear.

"You know I'm not gay like you are, right Jake?"

Kaz felt a drip of blood start to come down from his nose.

He reached down for a napkin to dab at it, which was great, because Kaz couldn't bare to look at Jake's eyes. The misery worked best when it was from another person, but Kaz was fucking miserable right now. He was doing a good job of hiding it--mostly.

"I don't know if we should be spending so much time alone together....or at all," he said.

The blood stained a single drop on the napkin but no more came out.

Kaz swallowed again.

Kaz hated this.

He hated how, when Jake's face washed clean of any happiness, Kaz's heart finally started to slow down. He hated how some strength finally returned to him to the point where Kaz now felt like he could stand up without his legs trembling.

But he hated what he was doing.

He hated that he wanted to get to know Jake more. Truthfully, Kaz could care less that he was gay. It was just a feeling Kaz got, but his response only confirmed it, and Kaz knew this would hurt Jake.

He was surprised to discover it was hurting himself a little bit, too.

Kaz wanted to know more about Jake. He wanted to spend more evenings playing guitar with him. He wanted to spend more time looking at tabs online and feeling the excitement in him build with the anticipation of showing Jake.

But...excitement and anticipation wouldn't keep Kaz alive.

This would.

"Isn't it like that, though?" Kaz said.

He crumpled the napkin in his hand. Despite feeling better, his palms were sweating. Fuck, this wasn't easy, but Kaz would do what he needed to. He steeled himself, but he couldn't quite meet Jake's eyes.

Kaz looked out over the crowd.

"I don't know, Jake," he said. "It just seems like it might be a bad idea. People might get the wrong impression, you know?"

This was Kaz's coup de grace.

He would make it seem casual. Like he'd never intended to go this way. Like it was just a natural course of two very different people realizing they didnt have that much in common.

"It's probably safer for both of us that way."

The rush of misery that came over Kaz was fantastic.

He didn't know that Jake was fighting back tears--he couldn't quite bring himself to keep eye contact with the other boy, after all--but it was good. Too good. This would keep Kaz going for a long time. If he was careful, very very careful, maybe he wouldn't have to do this again for a few weeks.

Kaz tried to make this last.

"We can still be friends," Kaz said. "Just...maybe we shouldn't be alone together, you know?"

He swallowed.

Okay Kaz, you could do it. Stick the knife in.

"Because I'm sorry, Jake, but I only want to be just friends. It would just be..."

He couldn't bring himself to say the word wrong.

It felt like a lie, and Kaz was surprised.

It wouldn't be wrong with he and Jake where together? Well, it would now. Kaz was absolutely ruining this. There was no thought that he'd ever feel close to the other boy. Kaz was what he was: a monster. And he needed to remember that himself. He had no soul, so why should he act like he did?

"It just wouldn't work out, we're too different," Kaz finished instead.

Didn't have the punch he wanted but it was all he had.