I keep a book of the names

“Oh!” Lochlann said. “Congratulations. I hope the two of them are very happy.”

He liked her wistful smile.

Lochlann had a visual of himself kissing her when she smiled like that but he bit the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood and reminded himself that he probably would be tasting blood if he thought about kissing her again, and he most definitely did not want that.

Well, he did.

But he didn’t let himself.

“I have an older brother and a younger sister,” Lochlann said. “They’re both back in the states with my parents. I miss Lilly a lot. She came to see my graduate and I think she wanted to come to the academy, but I think she’ll probably stay in the states. It’s been a while since I’ve seen them. Do you go back home at all?”

The last time Lochlann went home had been a disaster. His family wasn’t thrilled to see him back, which was to be expected after all. He wasn’t exactly marked cleared and they were really hoping he’d have an education that would actually be useful to them. But the awkwardness of his family was fine. It was the unexpected arrival of a girl pretending to be his girlfriend that made the last visit so uncomfortable.

When the topic shifted back to the water and fears, Lochlann shifted his weight to his right leg. He considered her fear of heights and strangers in the dark and said, “Well, I don’t know if you’ll like the roof then. But if it makes you feel any better I would not be upset if you wanted to tell someone where we’re going. Also, I promise not to make you look over the edge.”

Lochlann wondered if he was supposed to admit one of his fears in return. After a moment’s hesitation he said, “I hate needles. I mean, I hate other people with needles, only most health care places don’t want you to try and do it.”

He stretched out his left leg for a moment and then said, “Well, I don’t think so. I mean, someone told me there’s a stream somewhere in the woods where the water tastes like your favorite drink but if you try to swim in it, it turns your skin purple for a few days. I haven’t found that one, though.”

She was afraid of drowning.

It just hit him now what that meant.

Lochlann could never drown. He thought about what it must feel like, but he’d never be able to experience it. He’d never know what it would be like to have his lungs fill with water and to panic.

He used to imagine it must be very beautiful. When people were drowning, they gripped the water like they would a lover.

He had very few relationships that didn't end with someone drowning. To be afraid of it before it happened? He could be hell to her.

“It’s just that there are sometimes things in the water,” he said. “The lake by the school has really big koi in it. I saw one the size of my arm once.”

Lochlann thanked her as she took his cup to discard. He was unused to having another person take charge like this and he found that he was relaxing. Since it was growing darker, Lochlann realized that it meant they’d have the perfect view of the sunset from a top the roof.

He felt strangely cold without her arm and there was an ache in his gut that didn’t abate until she slipped her arm back around his once more.

“I had to look for something,” he looked up at the roof as he said this and his voice dropped off to nothing. He wasn’t trying to be dramatic or perfectly vague. If he was a facebook post, Lochlann would have rolled his eyes at his own response. But he couldn’t find the words to describe it.

He cleared his throat.

Right. The roof. Focus, Lochlann. Stop thinking about kissing her or drowning her. Neither are going to happen. You’re going to show her the view and the really cool thing that happens on the roof.

“It’s behind the reference shelves,” he took her, pushing open the door to the library and leading them inside. He seemed more animated now that they were moving. He gave a small wave to the librarian and combed his way through the shelves until he found the one he was looking for.

The door wasn’t exactly hidden, but it was at the end of a bookshelf, meaning you literally stepped through the shelf to enter the stairwell, so it was a big unexpected. Regardless, it was dark inside, and Lochlann reached inside his pocket for the lighter. The tiny flame illuminated the stairs for them to walk up without hazard.

When they reached the top he smiled at her and said, “We’re here.”

He opened the door.

The whole of the island seemed to be spread out before them. There was a small rail around this flat part of the roof, although it was clear there were higher towers in the distance. The city was visible on the horizon and so was a glimpse of the wide, blue ocean where the sun was finally starting to dip behind.


Ooc: I’m so sorry I don’t know how my posts keep spiraling into these long novels
I also took some liberty at the end there to get them to the roof—feel free to let me know if I went too far and I can go back and edit.

“I’m not sure,” Lochlann confessed that he didn’t know his sister’s age as they were walking up the stairwell. “My family isn’t really good about keeping track of birthdays. I’m not really sure how old I am, but Lilly is probably starting high school now.”

Lochlann made a sympathetic noise in the back of his throat when she talked about being afraid of going home and nodded.

“My de-friend, Cabel, hasn’t gone home since he’s been here” Lochlann admitted. “He has the most grip on his powers of everyone I know, but I think he’s afraid that if he goes home he won’t be able to come back. ”

Lochlann could not quite relate to this, but then again, Starlight Academy had not been a place full of magical wonder and adventure to Lochlann. Cabel had been born and raised human so discovering he was different was like the best gift ever. Lochlann was still trying to figure out if he could really bring himself to identify as fae after years of pretending to be human.

When they got to the top, Lochlann watched Cat a little nervously. He was suddenly overthinking his decision to show her this. He knew she didn’t like heights? Would she really enjoy this? He’d always loved the view. He loved how limitless the horizon looked from here. But would she understand? Or would she wonder why she walked all the way up the stairs just for this?

He was relieved by her reaction and, though she was unsteady, he liked that it gave him an excuse to make sure he was touching her at all times, keeping his arm linked with hers or feeling her give him a gentle squeeze.

“Yeah,” Lochlann confessed. He was up here a lot. He pointed to another part of the roof at a distant part of the castle. “I used to like that vantage point better. I could see down out onto the fields and the lake, but it reminded me to much of a friend who graduated.”

It was the same friend who he’d tried to eat and fight her boyfriend, so yeah, the place was a little tainted now. He was happier here. It’d been quiet and so close to the library, so no one had really objected if he took his library materials up here to read.

“This is my new spot. Here, I want to show you something,” he told her. He gave her arm a gentle squeeze and disentangled. He indicated that there was an area of the door she could hold onto if it made her feel better.

“Usually I would be really blasé and obnoxious about this and not give you a warning,” he told her. “But I feel that it would be especially mean of me, so brace yourself, I want to show you what happens if you fall off the roof.”

Lochlann crawled up over the railing and onto the edge of the roof where the tiles began and started to slip downward. He felt a brief fluttering in his stomach as he looked at the drop. He could break his back, or worse, his legs. But he couldn’t.

Lochlann took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and jumped.

He plummeted about halfway down and took the opportunity to feel the cool evening air whoosh his hair and his jacket up. For the first time in a long time, Lochlann felt alive.

Then, as expected, the enchantment on the building caught him and send him drifting back up as if he was caught in a breeze. It brought him up, up, and back onto the roof, where he landed comfortably on his feet with a gentle thump. He was grinning as though he’d just come off a thrill ride.

“I don’t know if this makes you feel better or worse, but you can’t get hurt from jumping off the roof,” Lochlann told her. “I found this out in my first few weeks here. It’s kind of fun. It doesn’t work on the windows, though, or at least the ones below the sixth floor so I wouldn’t recommend trying that, not that I think you would, but just for reference.”

He looked over the edge again and then came back to lean against the door they’d just come out of.

"I'm glad you get it," he told her a moment later, meaning the view.

"I did, actually," Lochlann said, because he did think it would make her feel better, and then the next thing he knew she was pushing him and still yelling and walking and turning around so fast he was surprised her pony tail didn't hit her in the face.

He had his hands up, palms exposed in a you win gesture. He wanted to explain but then she called him out on something that Lochlann wasn't expecting.

No one had ever asked how he'd found out.

He couldn't lie.

He wasn't sure if he was physically able to lie. Mostly, he gave half truths or evasive answers, but that was a pretty direct question and he wasn't certain he could just work his way around that one.

He had tried, once, halfheartedly with no real thought or plan behind it. He could have easily done something else--it was just the most available option. Maybe it was twice if he counted the time he'd asked Guin to, but Lochlann had never considered himself suicidal.

He swallowed.

"Have you ever considered that I might be able to fly, so jumping off the roof wouldn't be a risk for me?" he asked.

It wasn't a lie because he wasn't saying he could fly. He was just asking if she considered it.

He didn't like that because it still unsettled his stomach.

"I can't, for the record, but I found out because I met a guy who uh..." he hesitated, trying to figure out how to describe Cabel. I met a guy who got me so high i was literally flying seemed to imply a sketchiness about Cabel's character that Lochlann wasn't sure Cabel deserved. Plus, it's not like Cabel was sure the pills would actually make him fly, either. "He could make me fly. For a little bit. But i guess the wards will catch you regardless if you could fly or not if you're just plummeting like an idiot."

Lochlann hesitated. he wanted to take a step towards her, but he wasn't sure if she wanted him to, and the last thing he wanted to do was make her angrier. Okay, well, really, the last thing Lochlann wanted to do was try to kiss her, because even he knew that would be a bad idea.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm an ass. I really did think it'd make you feel better. Whatever the rumors are, I'm not trying to kill myself, I promise, I like being alive too much."


He wondered if he should offer to let her throw him over the edge. He wasn't sure if that would make it better or worse. It turns out, Lochlann was having a hard time reading her.....and in a way that made him like her even more.

"Well, I mean, I did tell you to brace yourself," Lochlann said. It was a weak excuse, but he felt it was a position from which his only option was defense and apology. Probably more apology and less defense.

He wanted to explain about Cabel and the drugs and for a moment, Lochlann thought, maybe he should just get a few to show her!

That thought lasted about a fifth of a second before realized that if he kept this up he might actually be suicidal.


When she told him he could say that again, Lochlann did. He said, "I'm an ass."

At the pinnacle of her anger, Lochlann had to resist the urge to smile because he was feeling so painfully alive right now. He felt challenged. he felt like he wanted to do something reckless to impress her, which was yet another bad idea, but Lochlann had not felt this urge to impress someone in such a long time.

"Okay," he said. "I will not jump of any more buildings without giving you a firm warning before hand."

She bumped into his shoulder and Lochlann cocked his head to the side as he watched her approach the edge.

He liked her even more.

And then she asked him to help and Lochlann thought he might have to ask her out on a date, like a proper date, where he didn't take her on top of a roof that admittedly had a good view, but someplace better. It'd be someplace that was the opposite of heights.

Fuck, he didn't know. he'd ask her what she'd want to do and then he would do it, because Lochlann was ready to do anything short of jumping into the ocean with her if it meant he had another excuse to see her again.

Very carefully, Lochlann walked up behind her. His voice was soft when he said, "I would never push you."

He came up on the ledge behind her and he said, "I'm going to touch you now, okay? I'm not going to push you."

He reached his arms around her and, after a second, stepped closer until her back was up against his chest. His heart was thudding faster in anticipation. He wrapped his arms around her and then said, "Are you ready?"

If she said no, he would have her off the ledge and back onto the roof in one beat of his rapid heart. If she said yes, he was going to jump with her.

For the second time that day, Lochlann was falling. He didn't release his grip on her and tightened his hold just a little bit when he felt her fingers dig into him even more.

He wanted to tell her "it's okay" but he couldn't get the words to come out. The wind always stole it from him.

When they came back onto the roof, she fell into him and Lochlann gripped her carefully. His first concern was that she'd passed out, but when he realized she was laughing, his stupid grin came back.

He patted her against the back and then kept her pulled in his arms, embracing her with enough pressure to let her know he was there without being too clingy. Lochlann was usually a tight hugger but he still hadn't learned her preferences for physical contact.

She was shaking and Lochlann was a little shaky, too, but mostly because he had an interesting and headstrong woman in his arms and he realized this was a dangerous place to be.

The temptation to kiss her if she looked up was so, so strong.

Lochlann swallowed and tried to remember words.

"I thought we already established I can't make you do anything," he teased her, but his voice was soft. "But, I can promise that if you'd like to see me again, we will not be jumping off any more buildings. I could also extend that to cliff faces, airplanes, and waterfalls, too."

Definitely not waterfalls.

He considered this for a moment.

"I make no promises about jumping off other things, though," Lochlann said.