good morning, manta carlos

Toby's dreams, that late Christmas evening, were a disordered, turbulent affair. Different parts of his life were muddled together, confusing and almost upsetting in some places, vulnerable. His mother's hands drifting too close, don't, don't. His father quickly averting his eyes from him. Another boy making fun of him for awkward speech and continued fidgeting (calling him-- calling him a--). Animals avoiding him, feeling them squirming under his hands. A first kiss. Wondering what mattered, watching bad things happen with both fascination and disgust. A different kind of first kiss, love, vomit. Dying, living again, wondering what mattered, everything being gone. Changing. Being someone, unsure if that mattered, if it was real. Wondering what mattered.

He woke up, staring at the ceiling. Warmth, next to him. He sat up, knees pulled to his chest, and rubbed the blanket fabric until his nerves settled. Then, he looked down at Felix's pretty sleeping face. Mittens was curled up on top of him, tiny cat paws kneading ever so slightly. "Oh..." Toby said, voice very small, feeling all the tenseness drain from his body.

He sank back into the bed, on his side so he could watch his family's gentle breathing, his fingers ghosting over Felix's. He scooted in to nestle himself in Felix's arms, pressing his face to the other's chest and gulping down some air where it felt safe. He curled up, much like Mittens had, with Felix as a sanctuary, and cried quietly with an overwhelming softness in his heart. This person couldn't leave, now. He thought he'd gotten the tears out of his system yesterday, but he supposed it wasn't even yesterday that it'd happened, simply early morning that day. A Christmas marriage, and a Christmas first day of domestic life.

Toby wasn't sure what kind of married person things he should be doing, to start off with a good impression. Probably not as much crying, so he was already too late. He furrowed his brows and wrapped his arms around Felix, squeezing. Childishness was coming more naturally than an idea of what husbands should do. He didn't want to let go, whining. It was their wedding day, and Christmas, though. He zoned out and tried to put actual effort into thinking about this seriously. He'd given Felix his gift, so that was a win. They were husbands now, that counted as a present and fancy event. They could go out, but not for long, because Toby didn't want to lose sight of Felix or let other people interact with him. There was a cute dessert place around the corner from his store, they could get a lovely Christmas cake there. And at his store, maybe Toby could find something cute to dress up in, and they could fuck in his-- Oh. His apartment. He needed to finally let Felix in. It would be okay, he had a right to be there now. They were married. They were family.

Toby blushed, frowned, and sniffled, eyes watering again. Family. He nuzzled his wet face on Felix, getting him damp and not feeling particularly guilty about it. His limbs felt weak, like he still couldn't get up, despite making a few possible plans. "Fewx," Toby said, a muffled, mumbly grumbly version of 'Felix'. He nibbled on his new husband's collarbone to try and wake him up, face flushing further. "Feeeewx," he whined, louder. He wanted Felix to fuss over him and give him a cuddle.

Toby swallowed, shuddering a little when he was held and had his back rubbed. Despite the teasing tone Felix used, the words reassured him. He felt more sensitive than he had in years, and he knew that wasn't the kind of person the world thought he should be, wasn't even who he thought he should be. His tears and clinging didn't seem to be lessening any time soon. "Felix," he mumbled, with another sniff, and kissed his chest.

When Felix sat up, Toby looked at him with his big, round, watery eyes, the staring a bit different than his usual. Too young. He gave another little shiver at all the attention, their foreheads being pressed together, Felix's smile. He heard what Felix said, in theory, but it went over his head, his attention drifting and almost urgent at the same time. His gaze flickered over Felix's lips, realizing he did, in fact, want kisses, after a moment-- but he was shy.

Toby trembled. "I haven't had a family in a very long time," he whispered, voice thick, implications heavy, still shamefully not fitting the kind of person he was supposed to be. He reached up, delicately touching Felix's cheeks and looking at him like he was the world, an angel, or his savior. After blinking away tears, he kissed him, gentler and more innocent than he ever had.

Toby stared at Felix quietly, unable to pretend he wasn't confused. He didn't know why this would be upsetting, make him feel sad or guilty. He sat up and scooted closer again, frustrated with the lack of contact, and didn't touch Felix yet, but definitely looked needy. When he heard the continued explanation, a part of him registered that and held some kind of understanding, but the more governing aspects that made up Toby as a person, with the way his mind worked, didn't… get things like this. He thought he'd been clear, and honest. And now, he was fully trusting of Felix. When Felix said things, in that moment, he took them at face value.

"You think it's stupid?" Toby asked, tilting his head like an owl. "Do you not want to be my family?" His brows furrowed. He frowned, looking to be mentally trying to justify or put together pieces of a puzzle, but not having the best of luck with it. "But I just got you," he mumbled.

It took a few more minutes of brainwork for it to settle. Then, he teared up again, shaking his head firmly. "No! We did paperwork and everything. You have to be my family now. I-I didn't wanna not have one b-but I fucked up." He wiped his eyes with an arm. "I'm bad at family, and it makes them wanna do stuff to me, but I…"

He gave a tiny sigh and picked at the blanket again, messing with a stray string. Catching sight of Mittens again, Toby flopped down on the bed and reached for him, letting the cat sniff his hand and momentarily lighting up with delight. Then, he looked at Felix again, hopeful. He made grabby hands at him, big eyes inquisitive. "Please? I want you. You're my family. I can try to be good, I don't want--" his breath hitched. "It to break again, 'cause of me… I dunno why, but I make homes bad… I dunno why. But I love you so much, I'll try not to do it again. Yes? Yes? Please?"

When his grabby hands weren't reciprocated, but Felix asked Toby not to hate him, he wiggled upright again. "I don't hate you," he told him. He shifted awkwardly before his next confession. "I can't, actually, hate you. It's weird. I'm not usually like that. If I have strong feelings for someone, it's all…" He waved his hands in the air, vaguely but erratically. "Like this! Messy, icky. I love them, I hate them, I want to help them, I want to hurt them. But I…" His hand hovered near Felix. "Don't have that with you. I'm not used to that."

He frowned, and touched Felix's shoulder, unsure why there should be any need to avoid this. They were married now. "If you want it, what's the problem? You always think too much. But it's okay. I know that. It isn't like I don't know who you are, Felix. I've been obsessing over you and soaking up details for months now." Toby snickered, suddenly amused. "You're very beautiful. I know most people are fucking stupid, and probably think you're a sugary goody two shoes because of the act you put on, and your looks, and how you dote, but the whole reason I sought you out is because I thought you were like me, dummy."

"I don't really know anything about marriage either, so I'll be impressed with anything." He stuck his tongue out. "And you're cursed, huh? Have you met me? Why do you keep treating me like I'm everyone else, Felix? Come on. I'm not. Treat me like Toby. Listen to me like I'm Toby. Socially awkward, weird, blunt Toby. I want this 'cause I love you, and 'cause I think we can… be weird together. If we both ruin things so much, maybe that means we'll be able to stand each other." He laughed a bit more lightly, sheepishly.

After a moment, he wrapped his arms around Felix again and leaned on him. "Wedding jitters." He kissed Felix's cheek and held him tighter. "If I didn't want you this much, if I didn't want to marry you, I wouldn't even be here, 'cause I don't bother with shit like that where other people do. Don't… take away my agency here. I know I'm pretty pathetic when I'm crying, but I do whatever I fucking want. If I was unhappy with you, I would've put dead bugs into your food or ditched you ages ago, that's just how it goes. Look at my record."

Toby huffed, then cupped Felix's face and kissed all over it. "Felix. I'm here with you, I know what feeling cursed and broken is like, I know that it makes you different and clumsier and you don't always know what to do, and you can't always act acceptable or do things like other people do them, and we're already married! I don't have any intention to take it back. So there." Quieter, after, "Look at me? Really look at me."

Toby wasn't the most protective person in the world, not by any stretch of the word, but he wasted to protect this. He was glad when Felix kissed him, because he'd started to run out of words, only his round eyes, fast, anxious heartbeat, and tight hold remaining. He wanted to bury his face in the crook of Felix's neck forever, because surely, his expression was far too embarrassing and personal for anyone else to witness. He felt like the mere sensation of their lips meeting took his breath away, a cliche, he knew, but he couldn't describe it, or how Felix's hands made his back arch, any other way.

Closer, closer. Toby trembled. Their first, as a married couple. The pounding in his chest was so loud, he wished he could dig his nails in and pry it open, pull apart the ribcage and present what mattered, for Felix to touch. Closer, open, fully, fully. He wanted to be looked at under a magnifying glass, to be eaten alive, to be-- to be loved. If they could reach that, a version of rapture, through closing their own distance, he would claw for it. Push and pull, give and take, let his voice out and his eyes roll back with the pleasure of it all. As indulgent as that was, he was still more innocent than he'd been in a long time, more soft than he was supposed to be, but he didn't mind that. He could take a break, for now, from the person he was supposed to be, and be raw, instead.

And as easy it was to speak poetically, or uncannily, for the most part Toby enjoyed sex with his husband for what it was, a mind-blowing explosion of fireworks, overwhelming aroused energy, and wash of relieved joy strong enough to make him tear up yet again.


Toby lay with his eyes shut, taste of Felix on his tongue, blur of emotion and heat mixing in with the present and leaving him dazed. Limbs gently sprawled out, he curled and uncurled the fingers that were closest to Felix's. Not holding on to him was strange, now, something missing. He stared at Felix's back, and as the fabric Toby had handmade so meticulously fell perfectly around him, continuing to fulfill its purpose. It left a sense of deep satisfaction in him, down to his bones, which he found hard to express.

He listened, as he always did. "The tattoos are hard to miss," he murmured, voice soft. He payed special attention to aspects of a person's appearance. Designs and the stories they told were his area of expertise. Then, he smiled, shy. "…You're so out of my league, Felix. I have the smart part down, at the very least." He laughed, breathlessly. "Are you… going to do all that, for me?" While his tone was almost amused, it was a weak effort to cover up his mystification, and that this was only now seeming to hit him. He turned as red as a tomato, and rolled over, face to the mattress.

Deflating at the continued line of conversation, Toby turned his head, peeking out at Felix-- from the corner of his eye, but intent, twitching at the namedrop. Kavekar line. Felix's family name. His skin buzzed with excitement, mouth in a thin line, but his eyes a bit too wide. He blinked it away, hesitating for a moment. "You know," he said, "when I first came to Manta Carlos, I thought, for the first year and a while after, that I was dead. It sounded like such a… childish, pitiful metaphor for it. Tobias' daddy tried to do something to him, and then he went away to a magical, happy time island, where the favorite monsters he always wanted to meet are. He's in a better place now, it's okay." A bubble of giggles followed, before complete silence.

Toby peered up at Felix's offered hands, shivering, definitely wanting them back on him. He pulled himself up with them, before sliding his arms around Felix, embracing him. His nose was warm, where it was nestled against his shoulder, and he rubbed Felix's back in slow circles. "I'll hold your hand whenever we're together, ridiculous night breakfast making wife," Toby mumbled, nuzzling his nose further and squeezing tight. "Arjun," he whispered, thoughtful. He leaned back to cup Felix's face and look at him. "Felix," he said, firmly, and stood on his toes to throw his arms around Felix's neck and kiss him.

He backed up until he hit the wall and kissed Felix for a bit, chest rising and falling quickly, then pulled away, taking tiny little breaths and squeezing his eyes shut while the flush in his skin lingered. Not that it'd ever faded in the first place. "Wifey," he mumbled, fidgeting and blushing like a schoolgirl with a crush, sneaking glances at Felix before averting the gaze. "I want to show you my apartment." He looked at Felix's hands. Looked at Felix. Took their hands and laced them together, face lighting up like a burst of sunlight and thrilled, childlike glee.