Courage

It had been a week and Shadow had not quite worked up the courage to emerge from his lair. The sights and the sounds were too much. The blackout curtains made his room a dark haven. In a crazy sort of mood Shadow had gone through the small dorm room and meticulously removed all light bulbs, he didn't need them anyways. The darkness was his only source of comfort the one thing that he knew. What kind of people were these people? So far, they had left him alone. He'd hidden the last time someone had come by, diving under the bed when the knock on the door came. He'd stayed there a few hours until he could breath normally again. The person had slipped something under the door and Shadow warily approached the note. He needed to report to Administration to get sorted. Shade winced and decided to slip back under the bed for a little while. It was comfortable and safe there. That night, Shade worked up the courage to peek outside his door. He crept along the floor, not wanting to make any noise in case someone was listening for him. Carefully he pulled himself to his feet. He closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. He could do this.

He opened the door a crack and a peered out. Shade nearly swallowed his tongue when he saw someone nearly on top of his door. The door slammed shut and in a moment his eyes were the only thing peering out from under the bed, flickering like cat eyes waiting with a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. The shadows moved over him, comforting and soft. Eventually, sleep found Shadow there. Awakening under a bed was nothing new to Shadow, he came awake all at once and strained his ears and eyes for any intruder. When he came up empty he slid himself out cautiously. Head first, wait, watch, listen, shoulders... repeat. Shade crossed his legs and leaned against the bed... his bed. His stomach rumbled loudly and Shade grimaced as he placed a hand over it, as if that would help. Sneaking into the kitchens had been working so far, but he wasn't sure how long he could sustain that. Then there was the horrifying talk they'd had with him when he first got here where they encouraged him to talk to people his own age. Right. Like it was easy.

Shade got to his feet, swaying slightly as the usual bout of light-headedness struck him. He waited a moment for it to pass then went to the window. Carefully he pulled back the curtain a few centimeters and flinched back as the light blinded him. Okay so it was day. That meant people were out and about. He looked at the notice on his desk, why were they torturing him like this? Was this a test? Did they want to see if he could? He looked at himself in the mirror. That was a new thing, he hadn't seen himself in years. He looked like a strange, skinny and unhealthy. He looked like he belonged on a deathbed not walking around the halls. Maybe they should have just left him die. He shook his head. Pull yourself together, you ran away, nothing's worse than that. We can do this. His eyes were sharp and bright as he narrowed them with determination and before he could convince himself otherwise he pulled a baggy sweatshirt on, giving himself what he thought was the illusion of health. He pulled the deep hood up and pocketed the notice.

Mentally prepared, Shadow took a deep breath, put on his mask and opened the door. The walk to the administrative wing was harrowing. People were everywhere and he shank from them, half expecting to be intercepted and taken somewhere. All the while he kept his head down and his expression unwavering. By the time he got to the door of the Office, Shadow was shaking with fear and the only thing that kept him going was that he was too afraid to go back. He felt as if he had just run a mile and he just wanted to go back and hide in his room. Courage, he told himself and he opened the door. He didn't say anything, just slid the slightly crumpled sheet of paper across the desk to the first adult he saw. They raised a brow at him, but he kept silent. They told him to have a seat and so Shadow went to a chair and sat. He interlocked his hands and focused his attention at them wondering if anyone noticed the whitening of his knuckles as his grip tightened. His heart beat frantically in his heart and he unconsciously started to pull at shadows, they surrounded him.

Shadow escaped into the darkness, deep into his mind where the darkness was pleasant. His one and only friend. His green eyes looked forward without seeing and he may as well have been a million miles away in his mind. It could offer him no comfort here. The best it could do was allow him to escape the present. The weight of the inevitable hovered in his mind, too heavy for even the shadows to hold off. Just like… Shadow took a calming breath and the memory washed away like sand. Instead he focused on what he always did. Watching and waiting. The tiles on the floor were swept clean and the noises around him were strange. A strange ringing that followed a greeting from a person. Some people sitting around him were staring as intently as he was at his hands at these strange rectangle objects. There was chatting, there was laughter. Shadow sank a little further into the chair, wishing he could just disappear.

A person approached, too close. Shade felt his shadow before he actually saw the person. A boy his own age, maybe? If he was to believe that he was seventeen. Too close! Shadow braced himself, the shadows thickening around him as he realized he had been noticed. Despite bracing himself, Shadow startled when the boy spoke. He turned his face up to the person, his expression void of understanding. He was dressed well, like someone who knew what they were doing. Relaxed, battling a cold, if Shadow could assume that was something that still happened to normal people, and not people left freezing in the snow.

Shade blinked slowly at the person, the only indication that someone was alive in his head. Internally, his heart racing and uncertainty rising in his gut. Whatever hunger was there before was replaced by the twisting nausea of anxiety. He glanced from the boy to the person at the counter. They made no move and neither did Shadow. Instead he sat in terrible indecision. Was he? Would he be punished for leaving? Or would be punished for staying? What kind of punishments did they do here? Slowly Shade turned his face back to this person. This peer? Oh god, how strange he must seem. What if he was supposed to go with him? Maybe go with what is safe? Even he wasn’t punished for that. “Я не…” he started softly reflexively and cut himself off sharply. You can do this! “I do not understand,” Shade said barely above a whisper, stepping over the words with exaggerated care.

The temptation to disappear grew stronger and more and more the shadows wrapped around him. He braced himself for what he expected was a blow for insolence. Or worse, maybe this boy would laugh at him and his clumsy English. He clenched his jaw shut. Fool, fool, fool. Shadow caved in on himself, ducking his head and wrapping his arms around his middle to protect his vulnerable organs. Shadow stared forward, his outward expression giving no hint of his internal struggle as he stared at the boys shoes and waited to be instructed.

Shade blinked at the boy, his face turning back up in confusion. He didn’t even make a move but the expectoration was replaced with skepticism and confusion instead of relief. The dull eyes perceived the smile about as reassuring as a snake. Save the nurses at the hospital, no one had ever been nice to him, and then it was their job, surely not out of the goodness of their hearts. Not that he could remember. People were not nice, unless they wanted something. Shadow wondered what this boy could possible gain by helping him. Shadow listened carefully, weighing his options. Good will gesture? What was that? Why were they trying so hard to make him talk to people. Couldn’t he just hide in his room until they forgot about him. He slowly blew air out his nose. A lot to take in, what an understatement.

Casting a glance back toward the desk, they hadn’t called his name in this time and hadn’t made any indication he should stay. Maybe this kid was what he was waiting for. Shadow’s eyes caught the sight of red on the handkerchief the kid used. Someone had struck him? Shadow thought, but feared to ask. All of the sudden the shadows darkened and the anxiety Shadow felt turned to cold dread and he withdrew further into his chair. The curtains had been pulled back. This place was not so nice, no matter the nice gesture. Why had they sent him here? Couldn’t he have just stayed at the hospital? Or even better, why couldn’t he have left to live on his own in the middle of nowhere where no one ever went.

Slowly, Shadow made his decision and a melancholy sense of resignation fell over him. If he was going to be beaten anyways, why not delay it? Finally, Shadow nodded his head and rose slowly to his feet. Shadow didn’t say a word, he didn’t think he had to. He stuffed his hands into his pockets so no one could see them shaking. He wondered what would be worse, the classrooms or the so called magical staircases. Either way, Shade wasn’t enthused about having to live in a place where there was either. But he supposed, of all thing he could be grateful for, at least he wasn’t there anymore. Even with that logical thought floating around, Shade couldn’t even begin to feel optimistic.

The words Kaz used to describe himself flew right over Shadow’s head. He understood the words individually but together they were nonsensical to him. Shadow made no indication that he didn’t understand and follow Kaz’s motion to the door. To be honest, there was a slight relief to be leaving such an open space. He felt horribly under a microscope everywhere here. Before he’d run away, that was normal, but nothing he did was strange. He fit in here about as well as broccoli in a fruit pie. The feeling that people were watching him, waiting to pounce if he did something wrong. Perhaps it was all in his head, but he remembered the fascination of all the people that the nurses had had to fight off when he’d first been brought to the hospital.

Shadow startled out of his thoughts as Kaz spoke, looking up at the kid. His brow furrowed in determination and his eyes flickered with a bit of life. “Shadow,” he answered firmly. His name was Shadow! Not Daniel or whatever the hell those people wanted to call him. The intensity that came with Shade needing for Kaz to know that he had no other name faded as quickly as it had come and Shadow fell silent next to Kaz. The rage remained. Not at the Mersing’s, who had been kind and their Daniel must be very missed. They were not his. His anger directed at his own parents. The ones he couldn’t remember and couldn’t name. They didn’t want him, didn’t care to look for him. Didn’t miss him. A sliver of his consciousness felt sorry to take the Mersing’s attention away from finding Daniel, but a part of him longed to feel as loved as their Daniel must be.

The second question went over Shadow’s head again. He gave Kaz a shrug instead. He supposed that was something they would determine today. Something he was absolutely not looking forward to. Inevitably they would be testing him and his ignorance would quickly become apparent. Kaz didn’t need to know that. If they were the same age like Shadow thought, he would hate to prove just how behind he was. He could barely even remember being in school. He knew he must have been, the memories were there, but they were so vague and distant he lost them before he could form solid visions of it. There were so many people milling around the halls, Shadow more or less hid behind Kaz as best he could to avoid attention. Suddenly, a bell rang and Shadow flinched severely. He ducked his head, his arms flying up to protect himself from whatever was to come next. He cowered against the wall as the bell rang, waiting for something horrible to happen. Shadows slithered up around him, but their comfort was futile. He hated this place. He hated that there were so many people and he hated that he couldn’t understand any of it. The courage he had mustered to leave his room was very quickly vanishing.

Shadow tried to map the building in his head as they walked, but quickly lost track while trying to pay attention to the things Kaz was pointing out. Classrooms, Shadow groaned inwardly. He had no idea what he was going to do. Would they put him with kids much younger than him when they figured out he didn’t know much? Or could he just silently make them think he understood? Highly unlikely, he figured. That would be humiliating. He shook his head and made a mental note to find a good place to hide for the next couple years if that was the case. Eventually they would forget about him. It wasn’t like he hadn’t done that before. Oh but he would miss having a bed. A real bed, not a rickety cot with scratchy blankets, but a soft and warm bed.

Shadow was miserable, he had accepted that as his state of being, and frankly could not remember a time when he wasn’t miserable in some scope. If he wasn’t hungry, he was cold, and if he was warm, he was likely hallucinating. Even here, he was well fed, warm, comfortable, but everything was terrifying. He didn’t know these people or what to expect from them. They must have ulterior motives. Kaz, Shadow thought, probably had a million other things he wanted to do rather than show around the weird new kid. The weird new kid that could only understand about half of what he was saying and numbly observed the world around him. The weird kid that cowered from a bell.

A small whimpering sound came from Shadow before he could stop it. Why was it so loud? Why were there so many people? The shadows encased him as best they could but they faltered in the fluorescent lights. The shadows deepened suddenly and Shadow drank from them hungrily, swirling them around him until he was all but a dark smudge. Something of a hard shell of darkness formed around him Oblivious to the efforts of his guide to shelter him, Shadow made himself as small as possible. He lingered, curled with his arms braced around his head. If he could have melted into the wall right then, he would have, but there was nowhere to go. Fear tremored through Shade enough to make his bones ache, but they too ebbed. Slowly, Shadow lifted his head, his eyes glowing like a cat’s from the depths of his hood.

Surprise flashed across his face, it was Kaz’s jacket providing his shadows. The shadows started to disperse from him, sliding off of him like tendrils of water. Kaz didn’t need to do that… but he had… but to what end? Confused and disoriented Shadow looked at Kaz without comprehension and just uttered, “Why?” It didn’t make sense, why would Kaz do that? What was his motivation? Was this a test? Shame in his own inability to understand and embarrassment at his panic did nothing to calm him. Shade lurched to his feet, the need to do something, to get away. Anything to stop this frantic feeling. He swayed, bracing himself on the wall for a moment, trying to catch his breath and slow his panicked heart. His heart pounded as if he'd been running and his breath came in gasps. He opened his eyes and squinted into the light, the hallway narrowing in a panic as he couldn’t catch his breath.

Kaz’s voice pulled Shadow’s eyes in his direction, confusion and fear written on his face. Shade took a few backward steps before fleeing down the hall. He wasn’t sure his flight was entirely a conscious decision, only that his feet were moving in need of a dark place to hide. He didn’t recognize these hallways, they all blurred together. Along the way he collided with a man, bouncing off and sprawling on the hard floor. It rattled his bones, but did not deter his flight, if anything the man’s hand reaching for him only hurried him along. He felt shadows at a door and passed through the shadows into utter darkness. He wedged himself under a sink and between a few shelves. In this quiet and dark closet, Shade curled in on himself. It reminded him of the dark room and it soothed him. Shadow rested his forehead on his knees and allowed himself a moment of self pity. He’d escaped, from one nightmare into another. Would he ever be normal? A wave a shame washed over him, what must Kaz think of him?