Blackbirds

It was a strange world, this one, Shadow thought, where a world could be lonely even for the people that weren’t alone. It was so foreign, Shadow couldn’t wrap his head around it. He supposed he got lonely, but being around people was so miserable that it wasn’t worth it. He’d never minded being lonely before, in fact being lonely was the best of things. Attention was not the thing he wanted and when he was unfortunate enough to draw attention it never ended well. Life without people was just better. Shadow watched Kaz as he contemplated the question and Shade wondered if this was a thing a lot of people felt. Was it normal? Shade’s eyes saw everything, so long he had hid behind his mask, watching, taking in everything while mimicking the look of someone far gone.

Kaz was interesting, Shadow was equal parts fascinated and terrified of him. He’d never had more than a second of interaction with someone his own age, much less spoken to them. Shade was used to watching in silence, he wasn’t used to being spoken to and he honestly wasn’t sure if he was doing this right. This is why he didn’t usually talk to people, he was afraid he quickly came off as uneducated and strange. Kaz was someone that Shadow would never had spoken to had he not initiate the conversation. That ill-fated tour Kaz has given made Kaz the first person Shadow met here that wasn’t an adult. Shadow badly wanted Kaz to like him, but he wasn’t sure if there were signals coming that he was missing that meant he should go away.

Shadow pondered Kaz’s response and it gave him very little in the way of an explanation. So many more questions left unanswered. Why were people so complicated? Why did they hurt each other? Why did they wrap up in their own world? What were their stories? What was Kaz’s? Shade was curious, but he would never ask that question. He’d hate it if someone asked him, it was better not to remember, better not to think about. Shadow wondered if Kaz was caught up in his own story. Then, belatedly, Shadow wondered if he was wrapped up in his own story. What was his story? It couldn’t just be this, could it? Shadow felt a wave of despair, what if this was all his life was meant to be? A scared excuse for a human… a shadow of a person.

Suddenly, Shadow wondered if he was actually wanted here. Wasn’t he everything that Kaz hated? Caught up in his own story. Shadow fretted in silence behind his expressionless mask, wondering if he was somehow a burden just being here. He glanced at the bed, where Kaz had pointed out the flame scars and he could see them, clear as day. Kaz’s old roommate had been caught up it seemed, with that Chemistry thing… He nodded his head as Kaz explained, as if he understood. He didn’t. Was that like his shadows? They interacted with other things sometimes, was that Chemistry? He supposed it was.

They were cool on his skin, protective and indifferent. Hiding in the dark was easy. His eyes lifted back to Kaz when he agreed and Shadow felt something strange, something he’d never felt before. Something new… As if some of his fears were validated, as if this place was not normal and it didn’t seem that way to everyone. That maybe Kaz felt just as strange in this place as he did.

Shadow’s head lifted a little bit, the only indication that he was surprised by the answer. “But, faeries aren’t real.” Wings? Magic? This was quickly taking a turn into the unreal. Were faeries evil? He didn’t know, he had never stopped to consider that they could be real. Shadow thought he was strange to be a human with these abilities, but now Kaz was trying to tell him not only that faeries were real that he himself was one. Shadow regarded Kaz suspiciously, wondering if maybe Kaz had a delusion.

Kaz continued, but Shadow was stuck way back at the faerie part. Not to mention the magical learning. Did people do that? Was magic real too? Was what he did magic? He didn’t think so… He’d always just assumed he could do so, they called him a meta human, a freak, where he was before. Did they catch faeries too? Wait, am I actually considering that faeries are real? What else was real if they were? Shadow was two steps behind in the conversation and he looked at Kaz carefully trying to figure out if there was something he had missed. “Are they?” He shifted, the Shadows swirling around him, a part of him thought Kaz may be making fun of him. Ask a ridiculous question and get a ridiculous answer.

Abruptly, Shadow’s stomach rumbled loudly. Shadow wrapped his arms around his stomach and ducked his head, wishing his stomach would stay quiet. There was nothing he could do about it now… his small hoard of food was in his room and he was too afraid to check to see if it was safe. He pushed the sensation into the back of his mind, it was an easy sensation to ignore.

Shadow stared at Kaz, waiting for him to break into laughter and admit he was pulling Shade’s leg. Instead, he looked pensive. Shadow wondered what that meant. If he was being honest with himself, he was kind of hoping that faeries weren’t real. He could only deal with so many major changes to his life before he broke. Learning that there were creatures in the world like faeries may just be the last straw. Of course he knew there must be other people like him, but he was still human, at least he thought so… he hoped so. He still felt human at least… he was going to keep on with that. Even if he wasn’t human he decided to outright reject any other option. The only thing he still had constant were his shadows and his humanity… but then… they always said he was less than human…

Shivering at the thoughts that followed Shade nearly jumped out of his skin, squawking a startled, “What?” at Kaz’s question. There was no hiding the immediate terror that came through his voice or how his eyes grew to startled dinner plates. Go like out?… like out there? Outside this room? A place that wasn’t his room? During the day?

Shadow shifted uncomfortably, anxiety driving him to scrambled to his feet. The need to hide was starting taking over again. He couldn’t go outside! Not outside the school! He hadn’t left his room, much less the whole place. Shade looked around the room, his eyes fixing on the window, Kaz had left it open… could he jump? Would he survive? He shuffled a few steps in that direction, then stopped and backed himself back against the wall. He shook his head, the sun was out there. No go. He anxiously rubbed his hands on his jeans as he struggled to make a coherent thought. He had lots of reasons not to go, but he couldn’t grasp onto one before another took its place. Shadow wasn’t a person to ramble so he anxiously fretted in silence. And wondered if it would be socially acceptable to hide under someone else’s bed.

His eyes whipped back to Kaz and he found that smile deceiving. Part of him wondered if Kaz knew how awful going outside was. Why did anyone want to go out there? In the sun, no less! It was miserable! Shadow shook his head and looked very much like he wanted to back right into the wall. “I… I can’t…” he finally managed, please don’t make me. Too much light, too many people! That didn’t even include the fact that he had no money. Sure there were those things Daniel’s parents gave him, but he just left it in the envelopes, he had no idea what to do with them. Oh god, add that to the list. What if they were still out there?

So caught up in his panic, all thoughts of faeries flew from his head for a moment. But Kaz’s statement pulled him back a bit from the brink and Shadow found himself torn between curiosity and sticking to what was familiar. New things were never good to him, he had no reason to believe that faeries would be good either, or that it would end well for him. “I can’t,” he repeated, sounding more on the scale of disappointed than panicked this time. “It’s too bright.” His stomach rumbled again and he covered it with his arms, his fingers digging into his sides to punish it for making too much noise. “Sorry, I can leave,” Shadow said, assuming Kaz was probably hungry himself and would like a sandwich. He hesitated, there was a part of him that was curious and he wondered if Kaz would still tell him, even if he didn’t go outside.

If faeries were real, what else was? He shook his head wondering why he was even considering this a possibility. “Are other things real, too?” he asked barely above a whisper, his mind darkening to demons and vampires and all other monsters of the night. He’d never been afraid of the dark, even as a child before his powers. The darkness soothed him, it was his ally, but, what if he shared the night with some scary things? He certainly knew the light shrouded some scary things, so perhaps the dark did too. Did those things come here too? Were they evil like the stories said?

Shadow braced himself, watching Kaz like a hawk as he opened his desk. He didn’t know what to expect and he was already on edge, every nerve vibrating with a strong flight reaction. The sun was no joke. Everything was new and unfamiliar and if Shadow had learned anything, it was that the unknown should be feared. Observing Kaz rummage through his drawer, Shade made note of all the contents he could see without drawing closer and carefully balanced on the balls of his feet to make for quick escapes. Kaz drew out something papery and Shadow’s first instinct was to dodge and shield. One moment he was standing watching, the next he was three feet away cowering behind a shield of shadows. The darkness materialized into a dark matter that was as strong as steel and as cold as night.

Peering out from behind his dark shield, Shadow saw the benign piece of paper and the shadow shield dissipated like smoke. His eyes fixed back on Kaz and they grew slightly larger. Was Kaz actually asking his opinion? Did he really care or was this just a test? He crept over to the menu and gingerly picked it up, as if he expected it to explode. It was just a paper with words on it. There were a lot of things. Shadow settled back on the floor, examining the text, struggling to make out the words and understand their meaning. It was a good thing he’d been practicing reading with the letters the Mersings were sending, or he may not understand half of what was on the menu. He looked up at Kaz his stomach flipping with anxiety and fear and he asked, “I get to choose?”

Shade nodded, as if he read books all the time with all sorts of fantastical things in them. Things from stories long ago he remembered. Ghosts, vampires, werewolves, faeries, demons, angels. Were there more? Shadow hoped not, he was still hoping that Kaz was teasing him. Shadow’s observation of Kaz brought little information that was useful to his brain. Kaz’s smile faltered and well, Shade just assumed he had tired of smiling. Didn’t smiling take a lot of effort? When was the last time he had smiled? Shadow shrugged the thought off, it didn’t matter.

Tilting his head to the side, Shadow’s brow creased with confusion. Why would a unicorn be hot? Did she have a fever? And why would an angel need tutoring? Weren’t they supposed to be all knowing? Shadow felt a darkening of his heart. If all Kaz was telling him was true, and there were angels out there… why hadn’t anyone come for him? Why had no one helped him? The cold pit of despair sucked him down. Abandoned. By everyone… and everything. He felt like he’d been punched in the heart, a terrible despair he hadn’t felt for seven years. His family didn’t want him, he knew that… but… if angels were real, why had they abandoned him? What had he done to deserve all of this? Shadow felt pressure build behind his eyes and his breath caught.

Lowering his gaze to the menu, the words blurred on the page as he fought ferociously with the sadness that swept over him like a tide. He would not cry. He hadn’t cried in so long… His own parents didn’t want him. Why should it surprise him so that neither did angels? Anger snuck into his heart and twisted the sadness into the hard reality he had come to accept. Oh, but it had been so much easier when it had just been him, human.

Slowly, Shadow shook his head. He expertly kept his expression neutral. Internally he was close to losing his mind, not only was everything new but now everything he had previously known about the world was wrong. The world had shifted from beneath his feet and before he was able to rise from the tremors, the tsunami blasted him away and scoured the world clean of everything that made sense. It was a lot to take in.

Shadow looked at the menu, the words swimming in front of his eyes. He closed them for a moment, sensing the telltale floating sensation of fainting. A lot to take in indeed. Waiting for a moment for the spinning sensation to pass, Shadow wondered how he had possibly gotten here. And why Kaz was being so nice to him. His parents didn’t want him, the world didn’t care about him, so what on earth did Kaz have to gain from him? The question nagged at the back of his mind, even as he opened his eyes to the menu again. Focusing on the words and not on his thoughts. It didn’t take long for Shadow to become drawn into the menu and realize there was no way he was going to be able to choose any of these things. He wanted them all. Food was so abundant and how amazing he didn’t have to leave to get it! And he could get it whenever he wanted! Half of these things he only remembered distantly, others he had no idea.

He looked up at Kaz, his eyes wide with childlike wonder. “Do I really get to choose?”

Shadow’s head shook in disbelief. Honestly, he would be less surprised by all of this if Kaz had casually mentioned he had died and this was the afterlife. After a month living on raw grains and rain water, it certainly wouldn’t be the strangest hallucination he had encountered. Shadow looked at Kaz skeptical of his offer, but he also wasn’t going to turn down food, especially food that was provided for him! For a strange moment, Shadow felt something different. Something stirring, kind of like the queasiness that came with fear and anxiety, except this wasn’t fear or anxiety, it was something different… excitement? Anticipation. Shadow practically drooled with the idea of food.

Shade’s eyes narrowed when Kaz made a move. Shadow stiffened against the wall, his muscles twitching nervously. Shadow didn’t relax again until Kaz was on the floor. Shadow knew why he was on the floor, by why Kaz had chosen to give up his advantage to join him here. Shadow’s expression faded back into a masklike shell as Kaz brought him back to reality with his question. Of course, that wasn’t normal… Shadow bit his tongue. His stomach flipped, this time with the familiar fear, as he hoped that the questions didn’t get much more that that. The thought of being thrust back into that horrible place, even just in his memories was enough to make Shadow shiver and his heart quicken.

“No…” he answered softly, hoping that Kaz would leave it at that. He must have at some point right? The sense of it was akin to how he assumed he must have gone to school at some point in his life. He didn’t remember it, but it sounded familiar. Shadow ducked his head, realizing how odd he must seem to Kaz. A strange and skittish boy who doesn’t fit in. Doesn’t even deserve to have his own family. He worried he had said too much and bit his tongue. He had grown too comfortable here, he realized. This place was not safe, no place was. Not even his room. He felt all of the sudden very exposed and vulnerable.

His eyes narrowed at Kaz. “Why?” He asked his edged with suspicion. Was this a test? Had he really ever escaped? Was this an elaborate illusion? Kaz told him faeries were real… what if Kaz himself was an illusion. If he made the wrong decision would the food be gone? He swallowed resolving himself to not believe anything about food until he saw it with his own eyes.

“Fries?” Shade echoed… ‘Oh for the love of… David give your brother back his fries right now!’ A blurry face turned and Shadow felt as though it was smiling. He smiled back and reached out… Shadow snapped out of the memory. It was her voice. Shadow felt his throat catch and he angrily quelled the thought with vicious ones of his own. It’s not her! She got in your head, she wants Daniel, not you! He reminded himself harshly. He felt dazed and confused as he nodded his head. “I think so. Those are potatoes?”

He looked down at the menu, keeping an eye on Kaz as he did so. Kaz was the first person his age to have taken the time to talk to him. Shade didn’t know what to make of him, but he was holding off on deciding between friend and foe at this point. Kaz was as peculiar to Shadow as Shadow probably was to Kaz. Shadow’s eyes glanced over the menu and he was too scared to ask Kaz what some of the words were so he settled on something random. It really didn’t matter, Shadow wasn’t picky when it came to food. It was a bonus if it was fresh and warm. He put the menu on the floor and pointed to something at random. “That one,” he said sliding the menu across the floor toward Kaz. His finger struck the sandwich labeled ‘Cuban’. He was honestly fascinated by how Kaz was going to get the food, he saw nothing around here that remotely resembled a phone, at least not ones that he remembered, but then again he hadn’t really paid much attention before.

Shadow let out a small breath of skepticism. He didn’t buy it. Especially not with that dashing smile. His next statement surprised Shadow. “A celebration?” He asked bemused. Shadow felt him face grow hot with embarrassment. Of course this was a completely unusual thing. It was a strange feeling for certain, he couldn’t help but feel… powerful. But even so, the doubt creeped in. What if he didn’t like it? How would he know? Food for him was fuel, he’d never stopped to taste it, the taste had definitely never been something to marvel about. If it tasted like nothing at all, honestly that was an improvement over the usual. He alternated between terrified and excited. Freedom… that’s what this was. Free.

Shadow nodded and this time when Kaz moved, Shade took his warning and relaxed slightly. How strange, Shade thought watching Kaz work, why did Kaz care? The computer whirred, it looked different from what he remembered, he saw it flash with light, but he had to turn his eyes away from the bright light. Shadow did what he did best, he sat silently and watched. The boy turned away from the computer and grabbed something from his wallet. Something about that little card stopped Kaz. Shadow cocked his head trying to understand what was so special about it. Perhaps there was something written on it. Shadow assumed it was the latter, as Kaz soon typed something in.

Kaz returned, and Shadow was baffled, he hadn’t called anyone, how did they know? Shadow nodded, preparing himself. He ducked his head, unconsciously moving his hands over his head, attempting to hide, again he felt a pang of shame. No one else was this scared of everything. He assumed whatever Kaz had done was going to summon someone with food… but… what if it wasn’t? What if Kaz had sent a message to someone… told them where he was? The idea of someone knocking on the door terrified Shadow suddenly. He glanced at the door and imagined a familiar dark form filling the doorway. The form that had brought him so much pain for the past… how long had it been?

Stop it! he told himself harshly, crossing his arms and clenching his fingers around his thin arms, causing himself pain to distract his mind from the memories. Shadow watched Kaz with steady, wary eyes. Kaz smiled too much, Shadow thought. Belatedly, Shadow realized that Kaz had just done something nice for him. “Thank you,” he said. Maybe it was that simple, Kaz was being nice, and Shade was here considering what horror might come in the next minute.

It occurred to Shadow then that he’d never eaten with someone before, he never spent much time with someone for so long on his own accord. Was that something he used to do with his family? Was that something they used to do? Shadow couldn’t remember and despite everything that made him sad. He should hate them, he didn’t understand how they could leave him like that. Throw him away like trash, maybe they hadn’t ever eaten as a family.

Shadow blinked, as if he were coming back into the real world. Shadow loosened his hands around his arms and wrapped them around his legs, resting his chin on his knees. “Not really,” Shadow answered softly. He nodded in agreement, overwhelming and stressful didn’t even begin to cover it. “Was it bad for you too?” Shadow asked, trying to figure out Kaz’s story here. He supposed it probably was a little easier, if Kaz really was a faerie. Then he knew all of these things existed. Did his family tell him? Did his family come to see him, like Daniel’s parents? Maybe it was hard for a different reason, Shade wondered, maybe it was hard to leave his family.

The digression of thought brought back something Shadow had forgotten in his moment of panic. “Can you still show me of to tell if faeries are real?” Shadow really hoped that wasn’t an offer that was only valid outside. The outside was not going to happen. Not with how bright it was. He wondered if Kaz knew any magic spells. He'd mentioned he knew some, Shadow wondered if there were any spells that would take him away from people, but no... he needed people. He'd survived when he ran away, but that was mostly luck and he'd almost died after eating nothing but grains anyways, he had no idea how to take care of himself. Maybe that was what they always wanted, test subjects too dependent on other people to run. Maybe then, there was a spell to take away his memories all together.