[P] Inside I go Insane...

Nikkolai sighed. “I know, I’m sorry,” he said quietly, his voice breaking somewhat. “But I’ve had so many sleepless nights over the fact that if my parents ever found out they’d never forgive me or love me again…” Was that just as bad as knowing you might die the next day? Nikkolai hated comparing their situations – they were two entirely different ordeals and yet they were so equally filled with pain that it was hard to almost be unable to sympathize. “At least you know your mother loves you unconditionally.” Nikki smiled. “That’s all you need.”

He looked down when Dorn began to rub his condition in his face. “I wasn’t trying to make it sound like that,” he said, his voice a little bitter. He’d never made fun of Dorn’s heart, in fat he’d been there every step of the way to help him! It wasn’t the sort of thing that was supposed to be abused or flaunted! Nikkolai chewed on his lip, rocking back and forth a little as a reaction to keeping his anger bottled inside. A deep sigh passed between his lips when Dorn mentioned that not being honest would only bring more strife. “I know,” he said. “I know! But how can anyone expect me to choose? It’s not like I’m choosing between… between Seth and a monkey, I’m choosing between Seth and my family! And not even my parents and my sisters, my aunts and uncles and cousins too… they’re all going to find out and I’m going to be excommunicated from them all! Of course I’m afraid of hurting them… and what if I’m the one who’s hurt in the end, so it’s all for nothing?”

I’m afraid of it, but I don’t think I’d regret it. If it’d make him smile… then I’d… I’d do it in a heartbeat…

Nikkolai looked down, almost ashamed for thinking that. Almost. It was the truth, though, at least.

As Dorn’s voice broke, Nikkolai extended a hand to touch his shoulder and shook his head. “It’s okay, it doesn’t matter now. It wouldn’t have happened then anyway.” He hoped that would be comforting, but after he said that he wasn’t quite sure if it would be.

Nikki tried to smile when he assured him that his parents could never despise him. He hoped he was right – after all, they were his parents, right? They had to love him. Still, though, there had been times throughout his life when he had wondered if they loved their religion and ‘God’ more than they loved him. They weren’t bad people, and they had been there for him so many times, but even with that he felt detached and alienated from them. Was that how a family was supposed to be? “We’re living in a modern world,” he said. “They aren’t. They’re living in a world where it isn’t okay to skip church on Sundays or take the name of the Lord in vain.” Nikkolai rolled his eyes. That bitterness was there again. “You know them… if the freaking Bible says something it has more merit than what their children or what anyone else for that matter says!”

“… Seth is most likely going to understand and you both will be able to go on with your lives with some time. Whatever choice it will most likely hurt in you to. The pain will be there but it will go away with time."

Go on with your lives. Why did that statement make him feel nauseous, like that was something that was not an option at all? Nikkolai looked away while Dorn continued, figuring it was natural. That was how the heart worked, right? It refused to listen to reason, refused to think that a relationship would ever end, even though when in his case there had never been a relationship with Seth to begin with. Still, the idea felt so wrong, so wrong. Did he really like him that much…?

“The pain’s been there for years, Dorn,” he said with a nervous chuckle. “In the back of my mind, just hiding there, waiting until moments like these when it can finally actually get to me! Time doesn’t heal a goddamn thing, not when the same shit keeps on happening!” He sighed. “All you learn is how to be numb and how to pretend it doesn’t exist.”

He sighed and shook his head. “You see? You feared what they’d think too,” he muttered. “I can’t blame you for thinking I’d do what they would… but just so it’s stated, I haven’t been like them or shared any of their beliefs for years. I don’t plan on being like them ever again, either.”

“Unless the rest of the community is like them,” Nikkolai muttered. Had they grown up in two completely different places? Nikkolai felt like he had been surrounded by people like his parents his entire life – of course they would remain welcome. It was Nikkolai who would no longer be welcome there if anything happened.

Until this moment, Nikkolai had always believed he was the naïve one. He had always thought it was him who thought the world was innocent, and that Dorn was the one with the sense of reality. He hadn’t thought the tables would be turned so quickly or that things would turn out to be so wrong. “There won’t always be someone who cares,” he said, “or someone who completely understands. What do you do when that person isn’t there anymore? What are you supposed to do if you’ve given up on everything you knew for something or someone and it turns out it wasn’t meant to be or even worth it? And you realize you’re really alone. I know the good is better than the bad, that’s obvious. Why the hell do you think I bottle everything up? So it won’t be there.”

He sighed finally and stood from his bed, moving away from Dorn to lean against the wall. He hadn’t felt like this in so long, like there was nothing right in the world and like everything was crashing down around him, demolished beyond repair. “I’m fine,” he said finally. “I’m fine. So it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s okay.”

It was a lie, of course, but Nikki didn’t want to pursue this topic anymore. There was nothing he could do except pretend nothing had ever happened and pretend his feelings didn’t exist. Things would return to normal if he pretended they were.