[P] Inside I go Insane...

birdie

birdie

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Jul 9, 2005
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God dammit, why did everything always go wrong?! Nikki hadn’t even been able to think while he had ran back to the school, and in the few instances that thoughts of regret and anger had probed at the corners of his mind he had pushed them aside. They were coming back with a vengeance though, something so strong that made him storm down the hallway of the dorm rooms and toward his dorm. For a moment he couldn’t even remember the layout of this hellhole, his mind swimming, his entire being completely overwhelmed.

It had been so innocent… Seth hadn’t meant to mix him up like this…

But Nikkolai couldn’t help it. He fumbled for the key to his room in his pocket and pushed the door open, his keys jingling loudly and reverberating against the walls, taunting his ears. He slammed the door shut with such a force that the frame shook before he leaned against it, throwing the keys to the floor somewhere as soon as that action had been done. He hadn’t even heard them land.

He made his way over to the bed and collapsed upon it, taking a moment to glance at the clock. 6:00. Nikkolai groaned and pulled a pillow over his head, clenching his eyes shut. Every emotion he had tried to suppress until this moment came flying at him, unrelenting and even cruel with the way it made him think.

Running away like that hadn’t been right. Seth hadn’t done anything wrong! He hadn’t known! Nikkolai pushed himself up and tossed the pillow away as well as he brought himself into a sitting position against the headboard, shaking his head. Seth hadn’t known, Nikki should have told him why… he’d left him hanging and that action had probably hurt him more than the truth would have. But how could he say ‘I like you, I do, but I’m ashamed’? How could he say ‘my parents will kill me if they find out’, how could he even begin to explain the different world he had come from?

He would have cried if he hadn’t loathed himself so much in those moments. Coward, fool, bastard – oh God, he had to apologize to Seth. He had to find him. But… but he couldn’t move…

And at that moment there was a knock at the door.
 
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Dorn Koon

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Aug 2, 2008
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Dorn had spent most of the day doing his own things, he had cleaned the room for once and it looked rather clean now. Not with to much things around everywhere. He had also done his homework quickly like always, it had only taken him a few minutes or so. He yawned a little as he stretched out himself on the bed in his room, as so often he had the door open since he saw no reason to keep it closed, he sat up as he noticed something weird. He sensed emotions....upset emotions to. From a person he knew very well to, it was Nikki alright. Dorn frowned a looked towards the door at the moment Nikki walked past outside, rather quickly to and he did not even seem to notice that Dorn was there. But Dorn saw right away that something was not right with his friend, living with Nikki for most his life he had leanred to read him very well.

Dorn looked around for a moment and then he nodded a little before he stood up and walked out into the kitchen area to get what he thought might be needed now....ice cream! He took chocolate ice cream this time, yeah that might do the trick. He then walked back though the dorm and stopped outside of Nikkis room, he made a pause and then he knocked. JUst like Nikki did to him he did not really wait for someone to open and just slowly opened the door and walked inside. He quickly noticed the blond boy on the bed with a pillow over his head. Dorn smiled a little and then he walked across the floor, but he closed the door first of course. As he came to the bed ne sat down next to Nikki and carefully removed the pillow from his face so that he could look at him. "Nikki, what has happened?" he asked with a friendly voice and a calming smile, he placed the box with ice cream on the small table next to the bed as he was talking.. "I can see something is very wrong." he was worried, maybe someone had been mean to his little Nikki? But what person could possible want to be mean to him anyway? No it had to be something else.
 
birdie

birdie

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Jul 9, 2005
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No, not now. Not Dorn, not right now. Nikkolai didn’t want anyone around right now, at least not until he figured out what the hell he was even supposed to do from here. There was no stopping his friend though once he had entered and he looked at Dorn, sighing softly. What could he even say? Talking about what had happened to someone else was going to be even more difficult than talking about it with the man it had happened with.

He sat up a little straighter and let his eyes fall on Dorn, as well as the ice cream. Ugh, he wasn’t in the mood. He didn’t even want to look at food right now. How could food be appetizing when the thought of his own self made him nauseous?

“I’m such a jackass…” he said softly, looking away then. Nikki pulled his legs up to his chest and embraced them, though he did not lay his head upon his knees. Instead he opted to bang his head once against the wall. One hand lifted though and caressed his cheek where Seth’s lips had once fallen. “He kissed me… Seth Tertius kissed me, right here, right here… and I…”

He stopped. Did he really want to say this? It didn’t matter – he had to say it. “I think I hurt him really badly.” Nikkolai swallowed roughly and looked down, finally moving his hands to cover his face.
 
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Dorn Koon

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Aug 2, 2008
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Dorn could sense the emotions inside of Nikki, the boy was feeling lost, he wanted to be alone but yet he wanted to not be alone. It really was confusing for him, or that was what Dorn guessed anyway. The boy calmly watched the boy as he called himself a jackass and watched him bang the head against the wall. Dorn did not really know what to say to that right away, he was even more surprised when he was told what Seth had done. He opened his mouth but did not say anything and closed it again a moment later, then he thought for a few seconds. He nodded and then he calmly placed one hand on his friends shoulder. "Listen to me Nikki, you are not a jackass." he said softly and then he ruffled the boys hair slightly. "You are a really sweet person and I do not think you would ever be able to be a jackass, but now I understand why you are like this."

Dorn made a pause and then he closed his eyes for a moment and gathered his own thoughts, Seth kissed him? How could he be so brainless? Dorn wondered how much the other boy really knew about Nikki? His family and so on. "I do not really know what to say, I guess we have a somewhat similar problem then" he turned the eyes so that he looked at his friend, then he stretched out a hand and softly removed one of Nikkis hands from his face so that he could see him in the eyes. "From what I see it you have done nothing wrong fluffball, Seth was the one that kissed you and not the other way around. It pains me to see you like this Nikki, I care about you very much. You are my best friend, your my brother." he made another pause before he continued. "Tell me what happened really. Why did he kiss you and why do you think you hurt him that badly?" he gave Nikki an encouraging smile as he asked this. "I am here for you as much as you are there for me."
 
birdie

birdie

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Jul 9, 2005
5,558
Too warped within his own emotions, Nikkolai was almost numb to Dorn’s touch. He squinted his eyes when Dorn ruffled his hair, ignoring the stringy pieces of white-blonde hair that were now hanging in front of his face. It didn’t matter, not in the grand scheme of things, not compared to what had happened. “Tell that to Seth,” he said in monotone, looking away.

He didn’t care when Dorn pried a hand away from his face. In fact he turned back to look at him, swallowing roughly and blinking a few times in an attempt to keep his powerful emotions in check. Of course Dorn would take his side, he should have expected it. People so close to each other couldn’t remain objective in situations like the one at hand. He sighed deeply, unsure of what all he could divulge. He trusted him more than he trusted his family, but still, this wasn’t something he wanted Dorn to know. This part of him wasn’t something he wanted anyone to know! How could he just go and say something about it like it was so casual when it was the complete opposite of that?

“Don’t be upset with him, he didn’t do anything…” Nikki said softly as a warning, praying that Dorn wouldn’t twist the facts. He was sure he wouldn’t, but he still didn’t want anything to be misunderstood. “It was innocent, we went for a movie and a walk in the park and he just… leaned in and kissed me.” He took a deep breath. His heart still fluttered when he thought about what Seth had done and the words he had said. I really like you, Nikki!

“I just… freaked out, though. He was basically asking me to go out with him or whatever and I freaked out and ran off, I didn’t even say anything to him about it. I didn’t even explain why I couldn’t, I just bolted out of there! I didn’t even say that I wasn’t angry with him!” The urge to bash his head against the wall was intense, but he tried to refrain from it as much as he could. He closed his eyes for a moment and bit his lip, feeling that churning inside of him as the secret became restless. This was an opportunity for it to finally be released from the cage that was his body; the only thing that would decide whether it was liberated or not was his own strength of will.

“I would have gone out with him, too, if I wasn’t afraid of the rest of the goddamn world. And my parents…” Nikkolai sighed. Out of all the mistakes he had made earlier today, this was the one he regretted the most.
 
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Dorn Koon

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Aug 2, 2008
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Dorn sighed a little and shook his head. "I actually think that Seth would agree with me that you are not a jackass" he said calmly. "He is a far to nice guy to think something like that about anyone, that much I have been able to figure out by the first time I meet him in the corridor outside of here" he did not say anything else for a while and just looked at Nikki, read his reactions and the way he acted and so on.

He listened to the words Nikki said that Dorn should not be upset with him and all that. "Do I look upset Nikki?" he asked softly and tilted his head to the side. "But you where the one that told me that a kiss is never innocent, a kiss is special. No I am not upset with Seth Nikki, I am dissapointed in him alright, I can admitt that to you and it is nothing I will keep a secret." he shook his head slowly and then he frowned for a few seconds.

He listened to Nikki when he told about the asking out thing and that he had freaked out and all that. "I understand that you freaked out to that Nikki, I really do and you know I would most likely have done the same if it had been me. But you did nothing wrong by running away, it is human nature to do so sometimes and I do not think Seth judge you from that, in fact I have a feeling he understands why you ran away."

Dorn thought for another moment before he continued to talk, he heard what Nikki said, he understood the boys feelings all to well and he knew Nikkis parents to. "Listen to me now Nikki" he said and grabbed the friend by the shoulder and forced him to looked Dorn right into the face. "You have always been the one to follow your heart when you do thing, you have always trusted your heart before. This is not what your parents thinks, nor what I think or Seth or anyone else. This is you Nikki, your life, your heart and your feelings." he made a pause as he looked the boy into the eyes. "You have to make your own choice, if this is what you want, if you want Seth. Then I am behind you all the way, if your parents can not accept you for the one you are, then it is there lose and not yours Nikki. Whatever happens in the furture with your parents or with anyone I will always love you and support you in any way possible, you are my brother Nikki." the face of the boy was serious and he really said the truth, he talked from what he felt was the right thing to say.
 
birdie

birdie

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Jul 9, 2005
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“A kiss is special…” Nikki assured quietly. “Which is why it means so much… it was innocent though, you have to understand. It was so gentle and sweet and…” He forced himself to stop. If he kept going his heart was going to break.

He was shocked when Dorn grabbed him and held him in such a way that he couldn’t look away or get free. Dorn’s words sliced through him, causing him to avert his gaze for a few moments. Nikkolai wanted to follow what his heart was saying, to throw caution to the wind and just be able to love as much as he wanted to. It would be impossible, though. He knew he couldn’t, not with what his parents might do, and it only made it ten times worse. How could he even be certain that this one simple choice – hell, no, it wasn’t even a choice, he hadn’t chosen to be like this! – would be worth losing everyone that he had cared about beforehand? He hadn’t even really needed to worry about this until now, and now both sides of the problem were so equally strong that he thought he was going to go insane.

“You don’t understand,” he said, becoming a little frustrated. “I can’t follow my heart! I want to more than anything but I can’t! How can I follow my heart when I’ve been raised my entire life to think that this sort of love is wrong? I don’t think that anymore, not since I was able to actually understand, but not everyone else agrees, Dorn! Do you know how many people are going to hate me for this?! Do you know how my parents, how my sisters are going to look at me and think I’m some sort of demon who doesn’t even belong in their house?!” Nikkolai wanted to continue, but the lump in his throat stopped him from doing so. His lower lip quivered somewhat and he tried to calm himself. Dammit, he didn’t want to cry, not now, not in front of someone, not when he thought it would make him looker weaker than all this whining already did.

“I can’t just go up to my parents and tell them ‘oh by the way, I’m gay’, and expect that to work with them. I can’t just say it’s their loss if they decide I’m not worth it, if they decide they don’ want me home anymore… it’s mine too.” Nikkolai sighed and lifted a hand to cup the side of his face. “What am I supposed to do? I can’t lie to Seth, I can’t look him in the eye and tell him I’m really not interested, but I can’t be with him and expect everything to be okay in the end either! Because it won’t be! Goddammit, I’m so sick of living a lie…”
 
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Dorn Koon

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Aug 2, 2008
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Dorn looked at Nikki as he talked about the kiss, the boy could not hide what he really was feeling. That kiss was not just innocent, it was more to Nikki then that. But Dorn did not say anything at first and he smiled in a friendly way. "I wonder...you might be right" was the only thing he said to this.

He looked at Nikki as he talked, he sighed lowly, what was he going to say to Nikki? What could he say to make things better? "Because your heart is who you are. If you don to follow your own heart, then you will never be happy." he said with a serious voice. "Whatever you deside I will support it. If you want to be with Seth and be ready to face your parents, or if you want to tell Seth it can´t work, that is no difference for me and I will be there." he closed his eyes for a moment and then he opened them again and looked at his friend. "But I will not let you do something that is not your choice, you have to feel that the thing you do is the right one." he he said this he took Nikkis hand and placed it on his own chest, over his heart. "Whatever choice you make things will not be easy either way. Sometimes doing the right thing, is not always to do as your told, if you let others control your life then you will never be able to live."

he made another pause and then he smiled, it was a weak smile. A friendly smile. "Nikki, I do understand better then you think." he sighed a little and looked like he was thinking if he should say this or not. "I was in love with you before Nikki, around two years ago. Yes I loved you then, I could not stop thinking about you....I wanted to see you all the time. But I was afraid that if I said anything I would lose you. But then with time I came to understand that I loved you more then just love, you where my brother." he took a calm deep breath. "You will always have a home, of that there is no doubt."
 
birdie

birdie

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Jul 9, 2005
5,558
If you don’t follow your heart, you’ll never be happy.

But what if, in following his heart, things turned out to be worse than they already were? What if, in following his heart, his life became a disaster? A shattered disaster, broken into so many pieces that he couldn’t even bother picking them up and simply gave up then and there. Was that what he was supposed to do? Was that what he was expected to do?! Nikkolai wasn’t a man who relied on intellect, but he did have some common sense, even if he was blonde – and all that common sense screamed DON’T DO IT!

Under that common sense though, there was a gentle, albeit aching prodding – and that prodding was the feeling of his very own heart beating inside of his chest.

“Neither of my options are right, though, Dorn!” he said. “Twisted every way… there’s nothing I can do! Nothing! Goddammit, this is going to just keep going on and on until one of us gives up, isn’t it? I know I have to follow my heart, but sometimes the heart is wrong. And you’re right, I can’t live if I let someone else control my life, but I can’t live if I don’t have a damn roof over my head or anyone who even wants to be around me either. Do you even understand how serious this is?! Nothing I do is easy!”

Nikkolai sighed. He was getting angry and Dorn didn’t deserve that. “I’m sorry for yelling. I just… really like him… a lot… and I know it’s never going to happen. For once in my life someone I want actually wants me too and I can’t even have it when it’s right there in front of me. It hurts so much.” Nikkolai rested his head on his knees.

He looked up immediately though when Dorn said he had loved him. “… What?” was his only response, unable to believe that he had missed that stage of their lives thus far.
 
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Dorn Koon

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Aug 2, 2008
285
Dorn listened and he did not say anything, he looked at the floor for a moment and did not say anything, those words actually did hurt extremely much. He closed his eyes for a moment and then he opened them again, he had to take a deep breath and his hands was shaking slightly. "I care, you know you always have a place to go to. You know your always more then welcome at my place whenever you need it Nikki." he said, his voice was calm but with a rather sad undertune. "But at least your going to have a long life. I go to bed every day with the knowledge that I might not wake up next day." he sighed and looked at his hands for a moment before he glanced up at his friend.

He shook his head slowly. "No don´t be sorry, what do I know about heart anyway. Since I only have a heart that is most likely going to be the death of me one day. I just want you to be happy and live a long healthy life, of the kind I can never have." he bite his lip slightly and then he scratched himself in the back of the head for a moment. "I know that it hurt Nikki, the only thing that is stopping you right now is the fact that you are afraid you will hurt people." he made a pause and looked at Nikki for a moment. "No matter what Nikki, somebody`s gonna get hurt. The important thing is that you have to be honest with yourself, or else things will only get worse."

He did not look Nikki in the eyes and once again scratched himself on the back of the head. "Yeah you heard what I said Nikki." he said calmly. "I was in love with you two years ago, I guess I never found any good moments to talk with you untill now. I mean I always thought that.....well..." his voice died away and he shook his head slightly.
 
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