nighttime strolls (hyper)

@"hyperhurricane"

Jaya couldn't help but laugh at Terrance's assessment of her and Percy. It was accurate, and somewhat strangely amusing. Too accurate, actually. She couldn't stop her weak laughing, and she would have laughed harder were Terrance not on top of her and messing up her heartbeat and breathing. The heartbeat thing was probably just weight, she thought. "I know. It's just become habit now. I know I'm stubborn, Terrance. I just don't know how to stop being that around anyone that isn't her - well, even around her I'm a bit like this."

"Now, what? It feels like I'm looking at my own reflection. Except you've gone down too far for anyone to reach you, and... I want to be the one who can help you out of that hell you've put yourself into."

It seemed that the night was composed of nothing but serious pauses filled in by inappropriate music. And confusing thoughts.

Terrance seemed to have a way of getting right under Jaya's armor. She flushed red again, and found herself suffering yet another bout of irregular cardiac rhythm. Before The Ink Spots could kick back in, Jaya took a deep breath and readied her words. She was certain that she'd end up messing up her words if she let the music come back and kick in.

"I guess the game's over, right? This is the part where I just 'fess up?"

She turned her face to the side, covering her face in hair. Her voice was soft, and her smile was pained as her eyes were covered in a thin film of tears. "I still don't know... I want to get out of here. I don't how to get out - part of me thinks that if I run away from this family as hard... and as fast... as I can, I would be free. And I know how utterly fucking stupid that is. And then part of me wants to reach out, and yet - I... a small part just keeps thinking, 'if you start behaving, maybe he'll forget about you and start ignoring you.' I - you don't want any part of that, Terrance. You don't want someone this messed up."

@"hyperhurricane"

Were she in a better state of mind, Jaya would have escaped before Terrance could even remake the bindings. As of now, though... that option was open. And yet for the first time in her life, she ignored the urge to run. She ran from everything before - she ran from the orphanage. She ran from the angel. Twice. She even ran from Percy quite a few times.

How strange that it was that Terrance could make her stay.

"I know. Messed up." Jaya wiper her reddened eyes dry on the bedsheet and tried to fix up her hair. She stood up and looked at a mirror, noting how disheveled she was. Messed up. The two words kept replaying over and over in her head, eliciting a dry smile.

She threw herself back to the bed, sitting down near Terrance, but not beside him, afraid of being any closer yet wanting to go even closer. Again, messed up, she thought as she leaned against the wall cuddling her own knees. Her eyes kept darting back and forth from the wall she faced and Terrance huddled against. "Let me guess. Don't want to look me in the eyes? I don't blame you."

"I'd tell you to get yourself together but that wouldn't make so much sense."

"I know."

"Frankly, I don't completely understand why you think I would ignore you. Secondly... What makes you think I'd care how messed up that is? Living with the Nightingales was like dancing with devils. I've been through worse."


That first statement made her breath and heartbeat halt. An inexplicable feeling of relief washed over her from those words, and she could feel calmness and lucidity coming back. It was probably due to the cool breeze and the music, now more relaxing without the bindings and the weight of Terrance on her. Although whenever she remembered that, she could feel her heart skip. And as it was such a fresh, recent memory, it kept coming back every few seconds and giving her pause.

She laughed at the second part. And at herself. Mostly herself. "And somehow you're not messed up. Makes me seem even more pathetic by comparison. If you've been through worse, then what the hell is wrong with me? I... I just gave up at some point. I didn't even try to - haaaahh." She cut herself off with a sigh, not knowing what else to say. Still, with Terrance there, she couldn't stop herself from grinning weakly, even if she was opening herself up and facing truths she didn't want to.

She buried her face in her knees to keep her inexplicable idiotic expression hidden, and maybe give her some time to keep it down. "Hey, this is going to sound weird but... could you maybe... give me a hug?"

@"hyperhurricane"

"Non-stop party. I don't think I ever told you, but I've been in a lot of those. Too early in life though. Spent a lot of time in those... it's a miracle I somehow managed to stay... somehow untouched. Safe, but I don't know if I can say I came out of that sound." Jaya let a laugh loose bitterly, wondering why she was opening up without even wanting to consciously. It was a painful yet somehow relieving to find someone else who would listen.

Maybe all along that was all she wanted from Terrance. After all, even when dislike was the only thought she had of him, she couldn't bring herself to fully, absolutely loathe every single part of him. Especially how he always seemed to have everything under control. In comparison - she couldn't even sort her thoughts out. The only thing that seemed to work was the thing she'd done all this time: think everything was a sign of dislike. Clearly, that working was now a moot point.

She couldn't even figure out why she wanted a hug. Warmth was always appreciated, but she didn't even let Percy hug her. Jaya never let anyone close. It was a weird, no-win situation with her stance; when she kept everyone away, she could not be hurt, but she could never heal either. And she knew she had to fix it somehow. As fun as the world was under the film of a drug and alcohol high, it was empty. Cold. Alone. Everything she didn't want to be.

"How is that weird? Get over here."

Now, Terrance seemed to be opening a door to a new world for her. One where she wouldn't be alone and cold. Where she could sleep in the embrace of an actual family, not just in the warm, pulsating, and sadly not hypoallergenic fur of Dog. She missed Dog. Why Dog came into her mind at that moment was unknown. Perhaps it was because they both made her feel safe. She didn't know.

Nor did she know why or even notice that she reached out for Terrance's hand with her own, went past it, held him tight on the back of his neck and kissed him right on the lips, eyes closed, heart pounding, mind lost elsewhere.

Her lips lingered there for some time, until it dawned on her that holy fucking shit I am kissing Terrance no no no no no yes no no no -

- and she pulled away, eyes wide with shock and disbelief. The taste of him stayed, and without even meaning to she put a finger to her lips. She whispered to no one in particular, thinking she was only speaking to herself in her mind, "My first kiss tasted like... home."

And as was expected, she flushed as red as she could and started that all-too-familiar panic again. "No - no no no no nonononono what the - what the - what the - what the fuck - why why the fuck am I doing - why the fuck are - shit!"

She slammed her head on the wall behind her repeatedly, chanting to herself "No" repeatedly, punctuated by the sound of the rhythmic blunt force trauma.

@"hyperhurricane" both glad and disappoint that this ended here

Jaya nodded slowly. She knew exactly what those words meant. They were going to consign this entire night to oblivion, where it would forever be laid, forgotten. The rhythmic thumping of her head on wall ceased, and she had to speak now or forever hold her tongue.

"Terrance, wait," she began hesitantly, before she drew back and bit her words back. This night had enough snap decisions that went wrong. Shaking her head, she added weakly, "Nevermind... forget it," as the door shut behind Terrance.

She clutched at her knees, not knowing what she was supposed to think of everything. This night... She wanted to forget it so badly and wake up without feeling confused, ashamed, hurt and embarrassed. But then she lay down, and as the voice of REO Speedwagon began to play, she instantly knew she couldn't forget this, no matter how much she would try. Mind-wracking as everything that just happened was, it was real, and it was the most reality she'd had in a while. She'd run from reality long enough with her regular night excursions and her vice.

Speaking of vice...

"Terrance... I guess you did a good thing tonight," she muttered to herself, pulling out rhe forgotten tinderbox in her pocket. She stared at it as it stayed between her fingers, a tiny, innocuous thing that was useless now. With a sigh, she tossed it in the trash and turned to her side, trying to let the music lull her to sleep before she could end up dwelling on the taste lingering on her lips.

"I hate you..." she whispered to the wall as her eyes closed and she went to uneasy sleep.