Forget What We're Told

“Okay, here’s the plan,” Cassiel began the moment the three of them had stepped inside. “I’ll go that way with Cordelia, and Nikki, you go find the bar. We have to find him soon, the guy’s being an absolute ass!”

Nikkolai could see the worry written on Cassiel’s face when she grabbed Cordelia’s hand and began to walk off in the opposite direction. He knew it wasn’t only worry for Seth, but for Cordelia as well. Cassiel, being blunt and braver than he, had decided to take up the task of telling her that her son had died while in Seth’s care. Taking a deep breath, Nikkolai began to push his way through the crowded dance floor, grimacing a few times at the feel of bodies pressing up against him. The music pulsated so loudly he couldn’t even hear the words and it almost made him feel nauseous. How the hell could Seth stand it here?

He felt so horrible for Seth. Between Toby’s death and that phone call… he didn’t even know what the word was. All he knew was that the call had scared Seth and it had got him speaking in Italian, so it must have come from home – but what of his home life would frighten him so badly?

Dammit, I have to find him! If he does anything stupid I’ll never…

Nikkolai didn’t get to finish that thought. He saw someone sitting at the bar who looked familiar and, not going to waste a second, he pushed his way through the crowd more vigorously. Once he was finally away from them he was relieved to see the back of Seth’s body, even if it was at the barstool.

Had he been drinking…? Dear Lord, how much had he drank already?!

“Seth?” Nikkolai began, walking forward. He placed a hand on Seth’s shoulder and moved around to his side so he could get a look at his face. “Seth, come on, we’re worried about you. Cass and Cord are still looking for you and they sent me over here to find you. You’re scaring me… so let’s just go home, okay?” He bit his lower lip and tugged on Seth’s arm a little, hoping that would get him to stand up and follow him. Something told him it wouldn’t be that easy.

Oh, Jesus Christ, and he was shirtless. Nikkolai looked away and clenched his eyes shut, taking a deep breath. Okay, him being shirtless was not the focus here, not the focus at all. Once he had gotten that back in his head he turned back to him, his eyes wide with apprehension when he saw four empty beer bottles. It wasn’t like it was one, or two, he’d had way too much. Dammit, how long had he even been here? What had pushed him over the edge?! Why had he decided not to talk to him, to just leave?! He could have stopped this!

He was almost angry, but the feelings dissipated the moment Seth stood up, using his shoulder to support himself. For a moment he thought maybe this would be easy – maybe Seth would take the way he felt about him into account and simply follow. It didn’t happen that way, though, and he stared at Seth with a mixture of disbelief, uncertainty, and plain fear. Dance? He was drunk off his ass, how was he going to dance?! His breath reeked of alcohol and it had clearly gotten to him with the way he was laughing, too. And his eyes… his pretty brown eyes were bloodshot…

Nikki’s hands flew to cover Seth’s above his hips and he looked down, his heart racing. He couldn’t tell whether it was out of panic or excitement though and he continued to just look at their hands, his throat tightening. “I-I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he stuttered, looking back up, inadvertently pressing the tips of his fingers into the spaces between Seth’s. Unfortunately there was no way his eyes could avoid Seth’s naked upper body on the way back to trying to meet his eyes. Damn, why’d he have to be so gorgeous?! It would be so much easier to just drag him out the door if he didn’t feel this way!

“Seth, really, let’s get you back to your apartment,” he said, taking a few steps backward with his hands still on Seth’s, hoping that would guide him. “We, uh, we can dance there, okay? I promise. I don’t like the loud music and you might want to sober up… or something.” Just one more lie – at least this time Nikkolai was certain it was needed to preserve Seth’s health.

Relief swept over him again when Seth began to move his hands away. It wouldn’t go further than this – it couldn’t! Seth had a mind, even now when he was this drunk he had to realize –

Why did he always misjudge a situation and think things were getting better when they were actually getting worse? Nikkolai’s breath hitched in his throat at the feeling of Seth’s fingers crawling up under his shirt, followed by his smooth palms. His jaw fell open in an attempt to form words and he tried to coax something, anything out from the depths of his throat, but all that came was a mere squeak. He didn’t know what to feel… no one had ever slid their hands up his shirt, had ever tried to feel what no one ever saw, and yet Seth’s touch was so loving and warm even when he was like this…

“I-I-I…” he stuttered again, but the words were muffled and strained. His head was spinning, his stomach was sinking, his heart was pounding, he felt like he couldn’t breathe and – when had it gotten so unbearably hot in here? He could have sworn the temperature was fine a few moments ago, so what the hell had happened?

Nikkolai stared up at him helplessly, not wanting to fight against him but not wanting this to continue either. Seth’s hands had slid out from under his shirt but had moved now to support his head and his back, and now he was leaning closer. He knew what was about to happen, but despite that he couldn’t help but take the stupid route and ask. “Seth, what are you doin—” His words got cut off by a pair of lips crashing over his own, claiming them and pushing against them with deep, passionate force. Nikkolai’s eyes shut tight and he squirmed in Seth’s grasp, lifting his arms to press his hands against Seth’s breast.

Dammit, for just that moment he’d forgotten he hadn’t had a shirt on!

Nikkolai could feel his skin, his smooth, warm, soft, unblemished skin and the beating heart that lay just below the surface. His fingers curled against him and, though he tried to think of what to do, he found that his mind was blank. What was he supposed to do?! He couldn’t allow Seth to keep touching him like this; there was no doubt in his mind that this was wrong, that Seth had no right to be doing this, even if he was drunk. Nikkolai had at least a little bit of dignity to hang on to!

But it felt so good… for just a moment he relaxed and it felt like the rest of the patrons in the club weren’t there, that it was just them, that no one could even see them or would even bother looking at them. Seth didn’t mean any harm, he loved him, how could he help himself? Alcohol erased inhibitions, Nikkolai knew that Seth never would have done this if he wasn’t drunk. It almost felt right and Nikkolai almost returned every gesture and he was almost ready to let it happen when he remembered something:

Seth was drunk. He probably… he probably didn’t want this to begin with…

Nikkolai began to writhe in Seth’s grasp again and jerked his head to the side, gasping for breath, his eyes going wide. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears and adrenaline coursed through him. He flattened his hands out on Seth’s chest and pushed against him, knowing from the beginning that he wouldn’t be able to wriggle himself free from his arms. Seth was bigger and stronger than him and his limbs didn’t feel like jell-o right now. “Seth, come on, let me go,” he squeaked desperately, unable to look him in the eye. “I don’t want this, you’re not acting like yourself! This isn’t funny anymore, let me just take you home, okay? You can sleep it all off then!”

Cassiel had been scouring the place with Cord, although most of her attention had been on explaining everything and trying to keep the young woman calm. Nikkolai would hopefully find him and get him to stop being an idiot. She prayed he was having better luck with his task than she was with hers; Cordelia was hysterical and angry and she knew it wouldn’t be good if she saw Seth.

It was then that, out of the corner of her eye, she saw Seth and Nikki. A shirtless cousin advancing on his adorable little crush… any other time she would have whistled and encouraged it, but Seth was drunk and Nikkolai looked anything but happy. She’d heard about what happened at the park and if a simple kiss on the cheek had freaked him out, what would hands on his hips and lips pressed firmly against his do to him?

Cassiel ran forward, and, not knowing what else to do, balled her hand into a fist and moved to punch Seth in the face. He was her favorite cousin and she did love him, but he couldn’t go out, get drunk, and molest innocent boys every time something bad happened! With Nikki free she turned to the blonde boy, only to have to redirect her attention to Seth when Cordelia came in to punch him as well.

“Shit!” she exclaimed, grabbing Cordelia and trying to pull her off of Seth. “One punch was enough hun, let him be!”

That night, after Seth had passed out on the floor, it had been up to Cassiel and Nikkolai to take him back to his apartment. Cordelia had been too angry, too absolutely destraught to do anything and so she had left the club, claiming she didn't care about any of them. Though the words had hurt Nikki, he knew she had a right to be angry; Cassiel, on the other hand, couldn't have cared less.

They'd cleaned him up back at the apartment and Cassiel had mentioned nothing of the incident. She'd simply put Seth to bed and then said goodnight to Nikkolai, saying he could say or leave - it didn't matter to her. He'd opted to stay, for reasons he wasn't quite sure of. Any sane man would have left the company of another who had fondled and violated him in such a way, but Nikkolai couldn't bring himself to do it. They were friends - and friends stayed by each other's side until the very end. And people who cared about each other more than friends... well -

Don't think like that.

-

Nikkolai didn't sleep that night. It was about eight in the morning when Cassiel awoke and it had taken her an hour to take a shower, do her hair, and do whatever else she did to 'stay pretty.' It had meant nothing to him. He was still feeling somewhat violated from what had happened last night, and every time he tried to get his mind off of Seth's lips or his hands it failed. It wasn't the actual action that had scared him, Nikkolai had realized some time during the night; the thing that scared him was that a part of him hadn't wanted to stop it.

A part of him had wanted Seth to keep kissing him, to hold him tighter, to whisper in his ear and just take him somewhere they could be alone. A part of him just wanted to hold Seth until the sun burned out, just wanted to leap into his arms and tell him how he really felt. And in that moment, however dirty it had been... it had happened.

So what was he supposed to do now? Nikkolai sighed deeply, his shoulders even slumping at the action. He'd put on a pot of coffee not long ago and already the stove was beeping, signalling it was done. After pouring himself a cup and putting the desired amount of milk and sugar in it, he had taken a seat at the kitchen table, folded his ankles, and merely stirred the liquid with a spoon. He rested his head in the palm of his unoccupied hand, never stopping the stirring, watching as a little circular indentation formed in the middle and as the coffee almost spilled over the edges. It was too hot to drink and honestly, Nikki didn't really like coffee anyway.

What the hell is wrong with me...

He sighed again and looked down, hearing Cassiel nearly break down the door to Seth's room. This wasn't going to be good.

-

"Get up," Cassiel commanded, slamming the door against the inside wall and storming over to Seth's bed. He'd had enough time to party, enough time to sleep, and now it was time for him to come back to the real world where there were consequences for his actions. "Come on, Finocchio, up, up, up! The sun is smiling for you!" A sickeningly sweet smile curved her lips and she scoffed, pulling open the curtains of his bedroom window.

She turned around and skipped back to the bed, jumping on it and bouncing so Seth would hopefully wake up. "You stupid idiot, what the hell were you thinking?! What pissed you off so bad you had to do that?! And poor Nikkolai... do you even know what the hell you did to him?! Ugh of course you don't, I'm sure you don't, you probably don't remember and you probably wouldn't think it was the wrong thing to do if you did." Cassiel shook his shoulder roughly, his anger more than apparent.

"I thought you were done with this shit," she said. "I thought you abandoned the drinking and whatever the hell else you did when you were with that bastard. So what, you're going back to it? That addictive? Are you that insane?!" She stood from the bed with a shriek and turned away from him, disgusted. "I thought you were better than that, Seth... and Nikki did too."

Dom.

Dammit, she had thought that bastard's name would be out of their lives for good. He was supposed to be dead to them, rotting in a jail cell where he could never hurt anyone ever again the way he had hurt Seth. Cassiel curled her lower lip into her mouth and bit it, unsure how she was meant to react. Though she was afraid of what he was telling her and her large, brown eyes revealed her uncertainty and anxiety, she knew she had to be the strong one for her dear cousin. She supposed, maybe, that he had had a reason to do this to himself. After all, with that Stronzo breaking free -

No. No, he didn't have the right to do that to them, not her, and especially not Nikkolai.

She sighed when he finished and picked up where he had left, keeping it to their native language, "You can't blame yourself, Seth. Yes he broke out of jail and killed people, but he deserved to be in jail. What he did to you... what he almost did to you... it's unforgivable and don't you second guess your response." Any trace of fear or doubt had disappeared from her features and her eyebrows knit. Cassiel knew she was right and she wasn't going to let Seth think anything different than what she told him.

"You didn't caus any deaths, Seth. Dominic caused thirty four of them, and God decided to step in for the thirty fifth. You can't blame yourself for how twisted the world is; it doesn't always fall on your shoulders!" Cassiel huffed; why did he never understand that? Not everything bad that happened to him was because of him.

When he redirected the subject to her, Cassiel snickered and glared a little. She tossed her hair over her shoulder and folded her arms beneath her chest. "Well, I had a lovely day yesterday, up until you went missing," she said. "And then I had to stay here all night, but you know, your family - if I didn't your parents and mine would both kill me." She sighed, as if she hadn't wanted to stay here anyway, but she was sure he would know she would have stayed no matter what. "I think you should be more concerned about Nikki, though. After what you did to him I'm surprised he isn't traumatized... hell, I'm surprised he's even here, that he even wanted to stay the night to make sure you were okay. If I were him I'd have kicked you in the balls and left you alone... but I guess that what makes Nikki Nikki, isn't it?"

She almost smiled, but forced herself not to.