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It was a big rambling mess, but it was a big rambling mess that Valli could deal with. He'd heard it all before, in a variety of ways, and the ramble helped to give him all important context.
To say the least, Fatima had a lot going on. She had so many issues, all stacked on top of one another, and really it was a miracle she hadn't had a full on breakdown as a result.
"When you're alone, you're alone with your thoughts. And you can't deal with them. Does that sound about right?" Valli summarized. "It sounds like you're having a bit of an identity crisis, in addition. You're used to being defined by your relationships with others, and now all those relationships have gone away. You're trying to find new ones to define yourself, but what you should really be doing is finding yourself, rather than entering into unhealthy relationships to try and replace the ones you've lost."
It was hard to say for sure, but what was what it sounded like.
To say the least, Fatima had a lot going on. She had so many issues, all stacked on top of one another, and really it was a miracle she hadn't had a full on breakdown as a result.
"When you're alone, you're alone with your thoughts. And you can't deal with them. Does that sound about right?" Valli summarized. "It sounds like you're having a bit of an identity crisis, in addition. You're used to being defined by your relationships with others, and now all those relationships have gone away. You're trying to find new ones to define yourself, but what you should really be doing is finding yourself, rather than entering into unhealthy relationships to try and replace the ones you've lost."
It was hard to say for sure, but what was what it sounded like.
"Yes, yes... that does sound a bit right. I don't like my thoughts cause I just worry about everything and it's just - easier to be distracted all the time. At least, I'm usually easily distracted but I can't keep it up. I liked coffee cause then I was really hyper and everything seemed like a good idea, but I can't control the crashes, so I stopped. I mean I try to distract myself without - involving other people... but it tends to be things like getting set on fire and drinking poison. And that's not really... I mean it doesn't hurt me cause I just heal from it, but it's not really the best entertainment. It doesn't work for very long."
When Valli mentioned an identity crisis, specifically when he said she should find herself, suddenly all of the trains of thought Fatima had been juggling collided leaving just one big tangle of a thought. "That! But - how do I find myself without other people? I mean... what would be the point? If it were just me - I'm nothing much really. I mean - I don't really have relationships or well I mean I do have relationships like friends and stuff, but nothing really... I just - just use people as distractions but those ones all know... Well I have friends or just - I'm nice to people. But I wouldn't.. talk to people. I wouldn't - I shouldn't - tell this stuff to people. People think I'm doing fine and... I'm really not... But that's my problem."
Not all of the unhealthy things she did involved relationships. Actually, if she didn't look down on herself so much or just use sex as a distraction, some of the friendships she was making, even with casual partners, were probably good things. But that was probably a bit of luck, she often went out of her way to get people to hurt her, tempting monsters just to see what would happen. But unless she told people, there was nothing much to indicate she was behaving unhealthily or even if she was being physically hurt, much less the emotional damage her behaviour was causing her.
Fatima was somewhat desperately lonely because she craved something more than she was willing to seek. All her relationships were shallow things because she refused to let them get deep or to let people see any depth to her. She also pretty much refused to acknowledge most of her emotions, just putting on a happy face for everyone. There were no visible marks on her and she was so easily and genuinely distracted by instincts that keeping up a facade didn't actually require much effort for the most part. And she couldn't really gauge her own pain either, having no frame of reference. As far as she was concerned, if the wounds healed, it meant she was fine.
And yet all together, everything had finally hurt her enough that she had given in and come here in the first place. She did feel the pain of it all, but she mostly just wanted to stop hurting. She was quickly becoming overwhelmed, though, by talking so much, by thinking stuff she wasn't even saying... Actually, she was second-guessing her whole decision to come here at all. She wasn't exactly resistant, she just didn't know enough about herself to respond helpfully. And what Valli said sounded impossible.
"I'm probably repeating myself, but I don't know how to start looking for myself. And - And I don't want to be alone! Other people - they aren't even my problem! I'm my problem!"
When Valli mentioned an identity crisis, specifically when he said she should find herself, suddenly all of the trains of thought Fatima had been juggling collided leaving just one big tangle of a thought. "That! But - how do I find myself without other people? I mean... what would be the point? If it were just me - I'm nothing much really. I mean - I don't really have relationships or well I mean I do have relationships like friends and stuff, but nothing really... I just - just use people as distractions but those ones all know... Well I have friends or just - I'm nice to people. But I wouldn't.. talk to people. I wouldn't - I shouldn't - tell this stuff to people. People think I'm doing fine and... I'm really not... But that's my problem."
Not all of the unhealthy things she did involved relationships. Actually, if she didn't look down on herself so much or just use sex as a distraction, some of the friendships she was making, even with casual partners, were probably good things. But that was probably a bit of luck, she often went out of her way to get people to hurt her, tempting monsters just to see what would happen. But unless she told people, there was nothing much to indicate she was behaving unhealthily or even if she was being physically hurt, much less the emotional damage her behaviour was causing her.
Fatima was somewhat desperately lonely because she craved something more than she was willing to seek. All her relationships were shallow things because she refused to let them get deep or to let people see any depth to her. She also pretty much refused to acknowledge most of her emotions, just putting on a happy face for everyone. There were no visible marks on her and she was so easily and genuinely distracted by instincts that keeping up a facade didn't actually require much effort for the most part. And she couldn't really gauge her own pain either, having no frame of reference. As far as she was concerned, if the wounds healed, it meant she was fine.
And yet all together, everything had finally hurt her enough that she had given in and come here in the first place. She did feel the pain of it all, but she mostly just wanted to stop hurting. She was quickly becoming overwhelmed, though, by talking so much, by thinking stuff she wasn't even saying... Actually, she was second-guessing her whole decision to come here at all. She wasn't exactly resistant, she just didn't know enough about herself to respond helpfully. And what Valli said sounded impossible.
"I'm probably repeating myself, but I don't know how to start looking for myself. And - And I don't want to be alone! Other people - they aren't even my problem! I'm my problem!"
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As useful as Fatima's long winded rambles could be for getting a good idea of her mental state, it could also be a bit overwhelming at times. Valli worried a lot he'd miss some important tidbit of information buried in what she was saying, and he didn't want to interrupt either.
"Finding yourself isn't being alone. Finding yourself is about finding out who you are, and then putting yourself into context with that new knowledge," Valli said, taking a moment to compose his thoughts.
"You spent a lot of your time seeking external validation. You see yourself as a problem, and if you are with other people, you're distracted from the fact that you're a problem. Right now you could think of yourself as a blank slate--you'll be what people want you to be in order to satisfy their emotional needs, but you aren't satisfying your own.
"What you need to do is find out who you are, and then, from there, you can move forward. You can find relationships that work well with you, and that satisfy your own needs. You can decide which relationships you want to keep around, and which ones aren't for you.
"I think, by far, the biggest thing you're looking for from these sessions is just that--help finding out who you are."
"Finding yourself isn't being alone. Finding yourself is about finding out who you are, and then putting yourself into context with that new knowledge," Valli said, taking a moment to compose his thoughts.
"You spent a lot of your time seeking external validation. You see yourself as a problem, and if you are with other people, you're distracted from the fact that you're a problem. Right now you could think of yourself as a blank slate--you'll be what people want you to be in order to satisfy their emotional needs, but you aren't satisfying your own.
"What you need to do is find out who you are, and then, from there, you can move forward. You can find relationships that work well with you, and that satisfy your own needs. You can decide which relationships you want to keep around, and which ones aren't for you.
"I think, by far, the biggest thing you're looking for from these sessions is just that--help finding out who you are."
If Valli thought her talking was rambling and confusing, what Fatima wasn't saying was probably even more so. And she was overwhelmed by her own thoughts, especially with all this talking bringing feelings to the surface that she still felt were better off buried. A part of the longwindedness was just deflecting herself from saying some things out loud and part of it was if she put some words out in the air instead of inside her head it kind of released some pressure at least for a moment. Basically it was a new way of distraction, but at least this way was somewhat productive.
She didn't really understand what he was saying. It sounded like it should make sense, like it was good advice, but it also seemed somewhat incomprehensible, like a puzzle she just had to look at the right way to solve. It sounded like an accurate description of herself, but she wasn't sure why she shouldn't be a blank slate. And she was feeling defensive, almost like he was accusing her of something, though she wasn't quite clear on what.
Fatima tried to sort things out in her head, but she was still vaguely conflicted. "But what's wrong with external validation? I can't - validate myself! And I am satisfying myself, I mean... I sort of am. I'm not - I mean I get to pick people myself now. I don't know what I like other than - the distracting things, but... I don't understand! I like making people happy! Am I not supposed to have relationships before I know who I am really? I couldn't - I don't want to give up my friends for that! Or... I don't know what you mean exactly. I'm sorry. I'm being bad at this. Is it - is it okay to get help? I mean how - how can someone even help with that? This is - such confusing emotion stuff!"
She didn't really understand what he was saying. It sounded like it should make sense, like it was good advice, but it also seemed somewhat incomprehensible, like a puzzle she just had to look at the right way to solve. It sounded like an accurate description of herself, but she wasn't sure why she shouldn't be a blank slate. And she was feeling defensive, almost like he was accusing her of something, though she wasn't quite clear on what.
Fatima tried to sort things out in her head, but she was still vaguely conflicted. "But what's wrong with external validation? I can't - validate myself! And I am satisfying myself, I mean... I sort of am. I'm not - I mean I get to pick people myself now. I don't know what I like other than - the distracting things, but... I don't understand! I like making people happy! Am I not supposed to have relationships before I know who I am really? I couldn't - I don't want to give up my friends for that! Or... I don't know what you mean exactly. I'm sorry. I'm being bad at this. Is it - is it okay to get help? I mean how - how can someone even help with that? This is - such confusing emotion stuff!"
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Valli couldn't help but feel he'd gone a little bit over her head with some things. That was fine. He could handle that, could work around it. He just had to reframe his points to make them more accessible to someone who was so emotionally behind.
"It's always alright to get help. No matter what it is, or what you need help with, asking for help is just fine. But let me rephrase a bit, and maybe it will help you understand..."
Valli paused for a moment to collect his thoughts, drumming his fingers briefly on his leg as he did.
"I make a piece of art. I look at it, but I'm not sure how good it is. Is this one good? Is this one bad? I definitely had fun making it, but I'm not sure how to judge it. So I take it to a friend, and the friend looks at and says 'oh, this isn't very good, you should do something darker.'
"So I go back and I do another piece of art, but I'm not sure how good the new one is either. Is this good? Is this bad? And I go to a different friend from the first time, and ask them how it is, and they say 'oh, this isn't very good, you should do something darker.
"So I go and I make a third piece of art, and it's very dark. Both friends like it. But I didn't really have fun drawing it, so I stop doing art."
Valli paused for a moment to let it sink in, even though he knew Fatima was probably even more confused. That was fine--he was getting to the point anyway.
"That's the problem with external validation. What satisfies others might not satisfy you, and when you only seek validation from others, you'll run into trouble. You won't do things because you enjoy them. You'll do things because other people enjoy them, and even then people won't agree. What happens if a fourth friend comes along and says they don't like it? Then you're back at square one, only you've constantly remade your work to fit others. It's not wrong to want validation from others, but it's important that others not be your only source of validation."
"It's always alright to get help. No matter what it is, or what you need help with, asking for help is just fine. But let me rephrase a bit, and maybe it will help you understand..."
Valli paused for a moment to collect his thoughts, drumming his fingers briefly on his leg as he did.
"I make a piece of art. I look at it, but I'm not sure how good it is. Is this one good? Is this one bad? I definitely had fun making it, but I'm not sure how to judge it. So I take it to a friend, and the friend looks at and says 'oh, this isn't very good, you should do something darker.'
"So I go back and I do another piece of art, but I'm not sure how good the new one is either. Is this good? Is this bad? And I go to a different friend from the first time, and ask them how it is, and they say 'oh, this isn't very good, you should do something darker.
"So I go and I make a third piece of art, and it's very dark. Both friends like it. But I didn't really have fun drawing it, so I stop doing art."
Valli paused for a moment to let it sink in, even though he knew Fatima was probably even more confused. That was fine--he was getting to the point anyway.
"That's the problem with external validation. What satisfies others might not satisfy you, and when you only seek validation from others, you'll run into trouble. You won't do things because you enjoy them. You'll do things because other people enjoy them, and even then people won't agree. What happens if a fourth friend comes along and says they don't like it? Then you're back at square one, only you've constantly remade your work to fit others. It's not wrong to want validation from others, but it's important that others not be your only source of validation."
Fatima was all tangled up now. She felt emotionally frazzled; like the conversation had just worn her out and now nothing was making sense anymore. The girl couldn't even think of what questions to ask to clarify things because she felt all her questions for the last bit of talking had only served to confuse her further. She was noticeably fidgeting now, picking at the wrapper of her lollipop. Confronting herself even so indirectly was stressful.
But she couldn't think of anything more likely to help at this point than more questions. Maybe she was overthinking things again or paying too much attention to the metaphor. And she really did want help, even though she wouldn't have thought to ask for help finding herself. She wasn't sure how well all this even applied to herself. "I do do things because I think they sound, well they sound like something to do, even if they might not be like fun, fun. I mean I'm not going around asking people what I should do usually. Just some things I end up doing probably seem... iffy. I have control over them though, mostly. I don't know what normal people do for fun. Making my own is - there's a lot of time in a day."
Something else was confusing her too. Maybe it was just the way Valli had phrased it or a weakness in the metaphor itself, but she wasn't exactly sure how things fit together. "I don't understand. What is the difference between getting help and external validation? What if I'm just - a bad artist? Wouldn't it be good to know that? And if I don't know anything about drawing, how am I even supposed to get validation from myself?"
But she couldn't think of anything more likely to help at this point than more questions. Maybe she was overthinking things again or paying too much attention to the metaphor. And she really did want help, even though she wouldn't have thought to ask for help finding herself. She wasn't sure how well all this even applied to herself. "I do do things because I think they sound, well they sound like something to do, even if they might not be like fun, fun. I mean I'm not going around asking people what I should do usually. Just some things I end up doing probably seem... iffy. I have control over them though, mostly. I don't know what normal people do for fun. Making my own is - there's a lot of time in a day."
Something else was confusing her too. Maybe it was just the way Valli had phrased it or a weakness in the metaphor itself, but she wasn't exactly sure how things fit together. "I don't understand. What is the difference between getting help and external validation? What if I'm just - a bad artist? Wouldn't it be good to know that? And if I don't know anything about drawing, how am I even supposed to get validation from myself?"
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Ah, that was the trouble with metaphors. Sometimes they helped, and the person hearing them understood in a way they might not have, and sometimes... well, sometimes they only lead to more confusion.
"You have the opposite problem of most people," Valli pointed out. "Most people have too many things to do and not enough time. You have too much time and not enough things to do."
Many people would have taken the problem as a first world problem — the kind of issue that most people would love to have. But people often failed to understand that kind of unique problem, the same way that people often desperately wished they couldn't feel pain, failing to understand the consequences.
"There's an important difference between asking for help--wanting a specific piece of assistance--and looking to people for approval. I can't say for sure if that's what you're doing--I can only go off what you say to me in these sessions. But it does sound as if you have trouble deciding if something is good or not without consulting other people."
"You have the opposite problem of most people," Valli pointed out. "Most people have too many things to do and not enough time. You have too much time and not enough things to do."
Many people would have taken the problem as a first world problem — the kind of issue that most people would love to have. But people often failed to understand that kind of unique problem, the same way that people often desperately wished they couldn't feel pain, failing to understand the consequences.
"There's an important difference between asking for help--wanting a specific piece of assistance--and looking to people for approval. I can't say for sure if that's what you're doing--I can only go off what you say to me in these sessions. But it does sound as if you have trouble deciding if something is good or not without consulting other people."
Too much time was definitely a very big problem for Fatima. And quite likely either at the root of most of the others or something that made them worse. Immortality itself was at least mildly frightening to think about - just going on forever, losing friends and family, knowing that even if you made a deeper connection with someone you'd probably lose them too unless they were also immortal. Immortality meant no happy endings, no endings at all, just time dragging on. But that wouldn't have been completely unbearable in a place like this with so many others who were also immortal.
She felt every second of it though. Fortunately, her memory wasn't so perfect that she remembered every waking moment, but she did live through it with no rest or relief. No option to just go to sleep if she was bored, no way to just turn of her mind and get some peace. Being constantly on was nearly painful at times. And it was so tiring, draining, but she couldn't get any rest.
"I... yes that's a problem I know I have. But I can find things to do if I try hard enough. Or I can deal with being bored. Other people get bored I'm sure. I just - wish I could get a break from it. Cause when I'm not distracted, I'm thinking and there's no way to just shut off thoughts and get some peace."
She thought maybe she understood what Valli was trying to say about the difference between approval and help. But she still wasn't sure what was wrong with consulting people. Then again, she wasn't sure if that was something she actually did or if her jumbled words had just given him a false impression. Fatima tried to think it through. She did want people to like her, but who didn't want that? But she was pretty sure she did things people disapproved of for fun. Maybe she tried to impress some people... She tried to avoid hurting anyone for sure. The girl fidgetted. She just didn't know. And now she was worrying if she consulted other people too much. But she didn't really know what to say about it.
She ended up deciding to avoid that part of the conversation altogether and skipped back to the topic of getting help. "So... how is it even possible to get help finding out who I am?"
She felt every second of it though. Fortunately, her memory wasn't so perfect that she remembered every waking moment, but she did live through it with no rest or relief. No option to just go to sleep if she was bored, no way to just turn of her mind and get some peace. Being constantly on was nearly painful at times. And it was so tiring, draining, but she couldn't get any rest.
"I... yes that's a problem I know I have. But I can find things to do if I try hard enough. Or I can deal with being bored. Other people get bored I'm sure. I just - wish I could get a break from it. Cause when I'm not distracted, I'm thinking and there's no way to just shut off thoughts and get some peace."
She thought maybe she understood what Valli was trying to say about the difference between approval and help. But she still wasn't sure what was wrong with consulting people. Then again, she wasn't sure if that was something she actually did or if her jumbled words had just given him a false impression. Fatima tried to think it through. She did want people to like her, but who didn't want that? But she was pretty sure she did things people disapproved of for fun. Maybe she tried to impress some people... She tried to avoid hurting anyone for sure. The girl fidgetted. She just didn't know. And now she was worrying if she consulted other people too much. But she didn't really know what to say about it.
She ended up deciding to avoid that part of the conversation altogether and skipped back to the topic of getting help. "So... how is it even possible to get help finding out who I am?"
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"Sleeping," Valli noted quietly. "Is what you're describing. The act of shutting off and not having to think. Sleep serves and important function. It helps your body process what you've experienced over the course of a day. It helps you make sense of things. It sounds as if your body doesn't sleep, but that it doesn't have anything that takes over that important function."
Which was, strictly speaking, not technically something he could handle.
"Which puts you outside my area of expertise. You need someone who is experienced in the field of sleep, who might be able to determine a way to either disable your powers and allow you to sleep normally so that your mind doesn't suffer. It's also possible someone whose power is to put someone to sleep would have a similar effect, but I think that really needs to be your first step. A lot of your problems seem tied to that, and it's hard to tell what's a real problem, and what's only a small issue that's being exacerbated by your lack of sleep."
Things like finding out who she really was. Was that an issue, or was that something that would turn out to be nothing once she'd had some real rest?
Which was, strictly speaking, not technically something he could handle.
"Which puts you outside my area of expertise. You need someone who is experienced in the field of sleep, who might be able to determine a way to either disable your powers and allow you to sleep normally so that your mind doesn't suffer. It's also possible someone whose power is to put someone to sleep would have a similar effect, but I think that really needs to be your first step. A lot of your problems seem tied to that, and it's hard to tell what's a real problem, and what's only a small issue that's being exacerbated by your lack of sleep."
Things like finding out who she really was. Was that an issue, or was that something that would turn out to be nothing once she'd had some real rest?
"Sleeping?" Fatima didn't know whether to laugh or cry at Valli's statement. Not that it didn't make sense. She figured he had more experience than her at sleeping, as did pretty much everyone else. Not to mention that he was her therapist and probably knew what he was speaking about. But in a way, even if they hadn't caused her problems themselves, the nightmares she had experienced for the first time ever at the New Year's party had played a big part in finally getting her to go to therapy in the first place. It may have been the things that had been done to her that had caused the memories, but it was the helplessness and need to sleep that had unearthed them.
And this guy wanted her to go through that willingly?! Again? He didn't even seem to consider sleep as a bad thing. He thought it would help her. She didn't see why so many people said it was a good thing, something more than a necessary evil. Valli seemed to be saying that sleep would help her mind rest and sort through things, but how could she get rest if someone out there could put her to sleep, if she just ended reliving her worst memories? If it was supposed to help shut down her brain, then why would she dream? Or was she just weird for dreaming when she slept? The nightmares hadn't seemed very helpful at the party.
The ways Valli suggested she might take care of this were pretty scary too. She didn't like the idea of letting someone just knock her unconscious, if that was even possible. Sure she'd let people tie her up and hurt her, but this seemed different. And the idea of losing all her powers again, even if it was controlled, was terrifying. Everything about the way it had felt being human was awful, even without sleeping added in.
"I think I - that's..." she stumbled over her words. Just thinking about going to sleep as something that might actually be possible for her was making her nervous. She felt like she could maybe just refuse. But then Valli said he couldn't help her because he couldn't tell which of her problems were which. "What about the nightmare dream things? How do those help anything?! I don't want - I can't have those again! They're what made all this worse!"
And this guy wanted her to go through that willingly?! Again? He didn't even seem to consider sleep as a bad thing. He thought it would help her. She didn't see why so many people said it was a good thing, something more than a necessary evil. Valli seemed to be saying that sleep would help her mind rest and sort through things, but how could she get rest if someone out there could put her to sleep, if she just ended reliving her worst memories? If it was supposed to help shut down her brain, then why would she dream? Or was she just weird for dreaming when she slept? The nightmares hadn't seemed very helpful at the party.
The ways Valli suggested she might take care of this were pretty scary too. She didn't like the idea of letting someone just knock her unconscious, if that was even possible. Sure she'd let people tie her up and hurt her, but this seemed different. And the idea of losing all her powers again, even if it was controlled, was terrifying. Everything about the way it had felt being human was awful, even without sleeping added in.
"I think I - that's..." she stumbled over her words. Just thinking about going to sleep as something that might actually be possible for her was making her nervous. She felt like she could maybe just refuse. But then Valli said he couldn't help her because he couldn't tell which of her problems were which. "What about the nightmare dream things? How do those help anything?! I don't want - I can't have those again! They're what made all this worse!"