First Session: Fatima

Romi · Jan 17, 2017

Oh, well. She got the idea even if she hadn't actually experienced that sort of thing. Most people hadn't actually ripped off an arm or anything.

So Valli decided to expand his metaphor a bit more, explaining a bit more clearly.

"Emotions build on themselves. Something that is minor one day but goes unaddressed might build up and up and up. Someone might be bitten by a dog as a child, and then because they never address their minor fear, it blooms into outright terror at the sight of a dog. Emotions are tricky, and ignoring them doesn't help. It's important to address issues when they come up."

"I wouldn't say we want them stronger, although I've only been given a brief overview of your powers. Perhaps it would be better to describe what you'll want as more controlled. Being able to choose to ignore your powers, rather than giving into them would be a big deal for you, from what your file said."

@Boop

Boop · Jan 19, 2017

"I-I guess that makes sense... That's why - I mean I went to that New Year's party and, y'know, they made us all human! And then - and then I had to sleep and people said I wasn't dying and humans sleep and I could have dreams. But they were all really, really bad! And they said those are nightmares. And I had to sleep two times, but I don't have to sleep it was just cause I was human! And it's never gonna happen again! but... the nightmares they were stuff that my family did..." Fatima trailed off. Talking about being scared of sleeping was one thing because pretty much everyone already knew that. Anyone who had gone to the party or that she'd talked to after the party knew anyways. But the family stuff. That was pretty much why she was here. She still wasn't really ready to talk much about it though.

"My parents were killed and that's why the school wanted me to see you. But they were - it wasn't - it kinda... turned out to be a good thing. They were... in a cult. I don't think the school knows. They did bad things. They just kinda pretended to be my parents, but I knew everyone. We were hiding and then I was sposed to be undercover. And then he - I know who killed all of them and why and he's my friend now and I don't want him in trouble!" The young horseman cut herself off abruptly. She wasn't sure how much was safe to say here. And she really didn't want to talk about other people.

She decided to go to talking about her powers instead. At least that shouldn't be so tricky. "I could probably ignore my powers if I wanted to. Giving in is - I just don't want to fight that side of me. And now I can choose to - be with people I want to be instead of just... having to get everything from my family. I mean... People eat when they're hungry. And some people feel stronger? in my head, but I've never - no one's ever forced me or anything! I mean since I've been here... I've never umm... I only..." she was really feeling awkward with this line of conversation actually. It was one thing to flirt with friends, which usually still made her blush anyways, but this was like an actual adult, adult! And she really wasn't sure how to phrase what she was trying to say. After all, she did ignore her powers, her senses would probably more accurate, quite a lot. She was just probably more promiscuous than most 16-year-olds. And never had to sleep. "It was only after New Year's that I ever did anything about my powers. I was just so happy to have them back and not be blind anymore!"

Romi · Jan 20, 2017

Sometimes, Valli couldn't help but wish that he was given multi-page reports on exactly what had happened to his patients. As nice as the idea was though, he knew he'd just end up bogged down in details. Hearing the stories from his patients themselves helped him focus on what was important. There were plenty of small things that might seem important, but were truly only minor factors.

She'd had nightmares, he recognized, for the first time in her life. Her powers either didn't let her or didn't require her to sleep, so having nightmares for the first time had obviously throw her off. That was alarming enough for anyone, but what she talked about next--about her parents being cultists--was a whole other ball of wax.

"Fatima," Valli said firmly. "Everything you say here is confidential - it's just between you and us, unless I explicitly ask you if I can tell someone and you say yes. The only exceptions are if I believe someone--you or someone else--is in immediate danger. That means if you want to talk about something, you can, even if you wouldn't normally be able to talk about it because you're worried someone might go to the police."

Valli would lose his license if he did, after all.

"That means you can talk about what you'd like, alright?" As much as she was talking about her powers--and he did feel like they needed to talk about them at some point--it seemed obvious she was uncomfortable with the line of conversation and simply trying to avoid talking about her family.

@Boop

Boop · Jan 28, 2017

"Oh! I mean... okay... I didn't think you'd actually go to the police about my family... And I guess it's okay if the school knows now cause I'm not a part of it. I mean I never was part of it really. They were just - training me to..." Fatima trailed off, not exactly ready or willing to talk about stuff that had actually been done to her yet. She wasn't sure what her file had said either. Did this guy even know what she was? The school probably would've told him that already. Knowing that she was free to talk about anything was actually making her a bit more hesitant about speaking out loud. One thing could lead to another thing and then who knew what she'd end up talking about?!

She had to deflect, distract, something! Fatima fidgeted with the lollipop wrapper, not looking at Valli. "And the one who killed them. He - had reasons. I think the school knows. He's not dangerous or anything. I just don't want to talk about him cause it's his private stuff, that's all. Not cause I'm scared of talking." Well, that was true at least, she was not scared of talking about that person at least, just incredibly reluctant to talk about anything that she had come here to actually talk about.

When she thought about it some more, saying something about what she was trained as was probably a safer topic than anything else to do with her family, so she hesitantly added, "They wanted me to be a weapon. I was supposed to, I guess, learn about supernatural things here. The academy found me cause we were pretending to be normal for awhile. But then... they died..." Fatima trailed off again. Sometimes losing her parents still did hurt, no matter what they had done, they had still raised her. She thought she was crazy for missing home, but sometimes the freedom was just overwhelming. Very quiet now, she added, "I'm not a weapon now, though. I'm not anything now."

Romi · Jan 30, 2017

"That's alright," Valli said gently. "If you don't want to talk about things, you don't have to." He wasn't going to force her, not if she felt something was private. He would listen, and he would help guide her along to make her own decisions, but he wasn't going to force her.

Her explanation helped fill in a lot of details though, and he nodded along as she explained. She had lived with a cult, trained to be a weapon--created for a greater purpose. He had a general sense of what she was--some kind of incarnation of famine--although her file hadn't explicitly said the words horseman of the apocalypse.

"You're a person," Valli said simply. "A human being, with their own life to live. What you were born to be--what purpose in life your parents had decided for you--doesn't really matter. While your situation might be unique, the core part of it is almost universal. Parents have expectations for their children, and when their children choose their own path, they often find themselves struggling. They find themselves asking themselves were my parents right all along? They start second guessing their choices. They were pushed along by their parents, so when they find themselves not being pushed along, they don't know what to do.

"The trick is finding something you want to do, and embracing that with all your heart."

@Boop

Boop · Jan 30, 2017

Looking up from her lap at his gentle tone and lack of prodding, Fatima gave Valli a half-smile. She still was a little uncertain how this whole therapy thing was supposed to work because just talking seemed so simple, but she was relieved not to feel forced into anything for the moment.

But then - things were so complicated. "B-but - I'm not human. I mean I am a person okay, but I was never... I was summoned! Now I'm here and there's still this thing and maybe in like thousands of years, it'll be too much. I mean I wouldn't destroy the world now! I think people here are nice. And it was kinda silly for me to be summoned to end the world when they're all humans, actually. I mean that's a little funny, don't you think?" Fatima's words were maybe a little confused with all her hinting and second-guessing herself. Sometimes her mind leapt enthusiastically from train to train of thought, but she preferred that to a downward spiral. The idea that her parents' had made kind of a mistake in that one thing was also a bit comforting. If she thought of them as silly, then she could distance herself from the hurt.

It didn't last long though and she was quiet again, "I wasn't a weapon, though... They did training for that with weapons and things. Chop my arms off training. That was never fun... but I regenerate so it's okay!" She still was quick to defend her family of things that didn't seem too bad to her, having grown up in it. "But - I never killed anyone, I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure I never ate people either. I think I'd know. I was more of a toy..." And that was heading into dangerous territory again. She changed that line of reasoning quickly. "I mean my powers - are distracting. I mostly just follow my instincts and then things don't feel so bad. But I can't do that all the time. Especially when I don't sleep."

"I'm not used to -to..." To being something more than what other people want from me. "I don't know what I like really. I like eating and um... yeah eating. And I like school because I get to learn more things and don't have to worry about what to do during that time."

Romi · Feb 3, 2017

"When I say human, I'm talking about humanity, not only people who are strictly human by genetics. If I did, I'd exclude a good chunk of my patients, and myself."

Well, one quarter of himself.

Fatima's rambling helped to clarify just what she was, which gave Valli something to work off of, although he waited until she was finished before answering.

"I think it might be helpful for you to realize that you aren't--and I mean this very literally--actually the horseman of the apocalypse. If you were, the earth itself would be under such a famine that a days wages would buy a single loaf of bread, and all the wheat in the world would be destroyed."

Valli wasn't a christian, and he was really stretching his memory on that.

"On Manta Carlos, there are already others who are, like you, Horsemen of the apocalypse. Only they're not quite the real thing. They're aspects. They have a self beyond being the horseman, and have free will. You might even think of the horseman--the true horseman--as being like a grandparent. So you'd be a quarter horseman, summoned to earth, but there's still plenty in you that's human, that can make your own choices and make your own decisions.

"The only thing that's different about you is that you don't have sixteen years of memories to pick from, so you have to explore a bit, and figure out what the human part of you likes, seperate from the horseman side."

@Boop

Boop · Feb 4, 2017

Fatima shook her head slightly. She hadn't quite been referring to being genetically human either, which was why she had agreed she was a person. More that she had been deliberately summoned and that the thought of her own capabilities and immortality was immense and mostly terrifying. But picking apart her feelings to say out loud was something she didn't quite have the language for, so she let it slide.

She pretty much agreed with Valli about not being the horseman of the apocalypse as well. She'd met some of the other horsemen and not just from her own 'set'. And she was very aware of her free will and ability to choose, given that she often wanted to go back in time, go back home where she didn't have to deal with it, ignoring the pain of her past because it felt familiar. "Well I know I'm not the only horseman. And I never thought of myself as something that big, even before I met the others, or my family wouldn't even have been able to raise me. I've met a couple of the others in passing. They called us the baby horsemen and I kinda like that. I barely know how to deal with - feeling stuff. I mean I felt stuff before. This human stuff. It's really the only human part, though. My instincts are not human and my body pretty much isn't either if you ignore its shape. My feelings never really mattered much. My family was happy for me to give them what they wanted and there was enough distraction that - it didn't really matter if some things hurt. I mean - people seem to think I had a bad childhood, but it was just... different. I was fed and clothed and got to go outside and do stuff. They were just - very protective of me. They wanted to keep me for themselves and ... they did summon me... People keep sayin' I'm not a toy, but I miss them."

She wondered what he meant by not having 16 years of memories and shot him a quick puzzled glance. "I was a baby. I did grow up. I was just kept very distracted. I never had all these - long periods of in between 'cause I was always kept busy. And I-I don't think splitting myself into pieces would help things. I mean, honestly, it's not like I don't enjoy myself. I like people! People are nice to be around in general and ummmm y'know doin' - stuff - with people is fun. It's just... I'm really... I don't know. I don't sleep. My head is always just going. And when I don't just give in to instincts - it's - my mind feels like sandpaper or something. I think too much when I have time to."

Romi · Feb 6, 2017

She was babbling, but it was a good babble. It contained a lot of useful information, even if it was a lot to process, and Valli waited until Fatima was finished speaking before he replied.

"I think..." Valli started, pausing as he considered. It was a delicate situation, as so much of his work was, and he had to be careful with his wording. "I think you're having a lot of different emotions coming together, and overlapping in ways that people might find her to understand. I think part of what you're experiencing is something that happens very often for people who had childhoods that others would consider unhappy or abusive. It's normal for people to feel that they should go back, or that they miss it. The brain is a wonderful thing, and it has a way of softening the edges on our most painful memories, while keeping the happy ones bright. It's what lets us move on, and it's what people mean when they say time heals all wounds. Someone might remember that someone wronged them, but they've lost the memory of what it was, or how they felt about it."

Valli paused for a moment, clearing his throat before continuing.

"And I think another part of it is that you're used to having a lot to do, and now you don't. You suddenly have free time, and not enough to fill it with. While I wouldn't recommend it in the long term, In the short term I'd recommend finding things to fill your time with. You don't sleep--I assume that's related to your power--so try and block off your day. Class from what, eight till five? Classwork from five to eight. So you have twelve hours empty, the bulk of which people would be sleeping during. Finding a hobby, or an overnight job, or something to fill your time with might ease your mind a bit. Thinking is alright, but overthinking because you aren't used to having so much time isn't."

@Boop

Boop · Feb 8, 2017

Fatima was somewhat aware she was babbling. She was mostly just saying what came to mind, but she didn't usually talk this much in one go. Even if she did say anything serious to friends, it was mostly vague short sentences. And when she was just chatting, she'd just eat if emotions got too overwhelming, or she'd flirt if the opportunity was available. Here she could do none of these things really, so she spoke. And Valli just - let her. She was as easily distracted in her own mind as she was by outside influences, though leaping from topic to topic could easily become a downward spiral of overthinking.

Even with the vagueness and deflection and trying to avoid subjects she wasn't ready to broach, because of the way she was just letting her thoughts out haphazardly she was actually revealing a lot of emotions she usually managed to at least hide if not just bury away. Some things were beyond her ability to vocalise, though. She still thought of herself as a toy, or at least as someone who was worth less if she didn't give people what they wanted. She wasn't even exactly ashamed of being used, just ashamed because people told her she shouldn't think like that. And whatever they had done to her - they were dead now. She couldn't even talk to them from a distance or from a safe place. She hadn't been given the choice to leave the cult - they had been taken. She had no idea if she would have thought to escape their clutches on her own, even with being here.

And the stuff her family had done to her - she still didn't quite grasp that it had been more than just a different upbringing. She was kind of aware that the stuff they had done to her must be wrong in some way because it was illegal, but she kind of mixed together the underage sex and the easy access to drugs and alcohol into the same category. And she still did stuff like underage drinking. She didn't understand that people's families didn't do that to their children or that their wanting her had nothing to do with any sort of affection. She also didn't understand that the fact that it had hurt her was bad or that it had been rape or that they had emotionally abused her as well with their social isolation. She had an answer for every accusation. But none of this came out of her mouth. She just fidgetted and looked worried and decided to reply to the bit he said about scheduling.

"I do have a job - but I guess it is sort of variable. And I try - I mean I read a lot and I climb trees and I talk to people. And I mean I could eat and ... cuddle ... all day, if there were enough people who wanted... But that's - I don't know. I went to all the parties on winter break and it was so... I can distract myself, but it's all so pointless now. And I don't even know what I like! Except some people just think I do stuff with anyone and I don't. I mean... I don't know. About the only thing I know I like is people and learning things. And I - life seems too big to fill up. And sometimes people do help because I can feel them, but sometime's it's so relaxing being quiet away from people. But when things slow down, my head gets too loud. So it's not actually relaxing. And I'm still hungry anyways."

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First Session: Fatima

Romi

Secretly a Bird

Boop

Little Bo Peep

Romi

Secretly a Bird

Boop

Little Bo Peep

Romi

Secretly a Bird

Boop

Little Bo Peep

Romi

Secretly a Bird

Boop

Little Bo Peep

Romi

Secretly a Bird

Boop

Little Bo Peep