Do You Want Me As Much As Them?

On the surface level with the four of them, it might look like Jeong and Felix got along better and had more in common with each other. But Jeong was an enigma to Felix. Truth be told, past the initial niceness, Jeong and Felix had nothing in common. Felix felt more kinship to Toby and Jett. Jett, he'd been butting heads with since College, both competitive and passionate about the arts. Toby, the isolation, the trauma, the humor and romance, with an intrinsic familiarity that marked them as creatures of the same kind.

Felix had been wrapping his head around the concept of Jeong for a while now. He'd played with him a little to get a better idea of his appeal, perhaps expose a hidden darker side, but Jeong was simply nice. And gullible. And impressionable. Felix understood why Jett liked him: Jett liked good people, loathe as he was to admit it, and he found that in Jeong and on Felix's surface. Felix understood why Toby liked him: safety and familiarity. Jeong was a good person smitten with bad people. Felix... wasn't different from Toby or Jett at all.

If Jeong felt insignificant, Felix did more so. The only person Felix really knew for long was Jett, and prior to them dating, Felix's exposure to him was restricted in the classroom and the courthouse. The three of them were impenetrable. If there was ever anyone that could be driven out here, it was Felix, because he was new, because they've been together this long without him and they could go even longer.

They were supposed to meet. Felix felt no apprehension. Whatever was going to happen here, it was going to happen, and he'd rather it be done. He put on his coat and went downstairs where he saw Jeong out in the snow. He smiled at him with a fake smile trained so well nobody could tell it wasn't genuine. "Hello, Jeong. Would you like to go upstairs? It's freezing out here."

Felix didn't feel antsy about this. Felix rarely felt fear, and this was one of those situations that made him more focused and certain than anything. Whatever happens, happens; what comes around, goes right back. Felix wasn't optimistic about the situation. He was anticipating the worse, but now that he was here, it was easier to accept — like that final plunge into the cold, watery depths.

Felix didn't keep people, and even married as he was, that was still something he considered fact. He liked to pretend it was all self-imposed, but in truth, he was cursed, unwanted, unlovable. The marriage was a fluke. A hasty decision made in the spur of the moment. There was a part of Felix that hoped dearly that Jeong would be the one to destroy it, because no matter how much Felix struggled against it, Toby followed him around like a lost puppy. How long ago had he known him? It was the summer of 2016, there was a severed hand, and Felix fell in love in a dark parking lot. He was never going to forget him, never, never.

As they stepped inside, Felix traded his coat for his starry sari, gestured for Jeong to sit, and brought a tray at the table. Felix stared at the food items, tapping his lip.

"I didn't know your preferences, so I brought tea and coffee." Felix smiled at him, but it didn't reach his eyes. He fixed himself up a cup of Jasmine tea. "I don't know what you're thanking me for, Jeong, or what this is. I'd appreciate it if we'd get started soon?"

As Jeong's rant commenced, Felix felt a bitter familiarity sink through him. It... felt like his encounter with Eroshay. You took something from me, Felix, said the girl that had more important things than he did, and now he was being treated the same. Again. Felix couldn't fit in with people as much as he wanted, because as soon as he claimed his stake on something, people treated him like some sort of virus that they needed to get rid of.

Felix was at the end of his patience here. He didn't make eye contact with Jeong, rolling his eyes and frowning. He wanted to fight, but he was too tired. Felix had empathy in spades, but sympathy was a rare, precious commodity, and he didn't have any to spare right then.

"Jeong. Really? You're the odd one out? Ten years you've had with them, and you're the odd one out?" It was such an unbelievably stupid thing to hear. Felix was the outsider here. Toby stuck to him like glue, Felix tried to shake him off, and it only made Jett stick to him too — and now he was being accused of, what was it, stealing Jeong's spot? "Let me clarify first. I've only known Jett for ten years. That's because we had the same major. I didn't talk to him outside classes or make memories or 'have laughs'. 'Former classmate' isn't as intimate as 'long-time lover', so I don't know what you're talking about."

When Jeong gave him a disgusted look, Felix matched it with an outraged one, blue eyes made even icier by his expression. "I was under the impression that the three of you were in an open polyamorous relationship. Toby's perfectly within bounds by the conditions set by the three of you by deciding to marry someone. If, somehow, the conditions changed — that it turns out you three were exclusive after all — Toby should've known that, but he didn't and I didn't either, so take that up with him. I don't know how your group conducts your own affairs, so you have no reason to be unhappy with me or to disrespect me in my own home."

He huffed. "I'm making no claims on Toby. I have no interest in stealing Jett from you. I don't want to fight you either, but you're obviously starting one. And as for your last question, I..." Felix looked down, posture more relaxed than before, "...do have affections for Jett. I don't think I can want you, because I don't even know you. As for Toby, ask him, not me. I can't even begin to make assumptions about his feelings."

Felix's posture was impeccable and his expression hard, but it softened considerably when he saw Jeong cry... on the ground. He was astounded by the degree of — he didn't know, the shamelessness displayed. Jeong was the one that came into his home and attacked him, but he was the one crying. He didn't know how to feel about that. He felt bad, but begrudgingly. He didn't like how the power dynamic turned all of a sudden, and now he was being guilted into looking cruel.

Felix shut his eyes tight and attempted to find his center. Don't get too hotheaded, Verma. Keep calm. He knelt down beside him and gave him a soft, motherly smile, any sign of displeasure gone from his face. "Hey, don't cry. Come on. This conversation isn't worth crying about. There are much worse things to worry about.

"You're talking to me now, and I'm saying that any threats you've made up in your head are purely imaginary. Look, you're happily married with Jett, and Toby hasn't made any attempts to break it off with you. Don't you think that's a good sign? Toby's never lived with you two and rarely goes out. Nothing's gonna change in that dynamic. He's just getting a wife that makes sure he eats and gets eight hours of sleep. That's an improvement of your life, if anything, because you don't have to worry about if Toby's okay if you can ask me. I'll take care of him."

...Date him too, he said. Felix looked at the ceiling, trying to see how he felt about it. "Jeong... I... I might be married now, but I'm going to be honest with you, I've never been the relationship type. You don't know me, you don't know what I do or what I'm like... How do you know you're going to like me? And no, saying you accepted Jett and Toby doesn't guarantee anything." He gave him a pat on the head. "Don't try to force this, alright? We can be friends. It doesn't have to be more than that."

Felix frowned. He could barely stand it, this passive-aggression. He hated being put down. He tried rationalizing it, if he deserved to be put down, and he just couldn't justify a perspective for it. Ever since Shay, he decided he wasn't going to put up with this shit. Not anymore.

"Better? Excuse me? As far as I'm aware, relationships aren't a competition. If you're doing rankings in your head and acting like you're being persecuted because your boyfriend has other lovers, I don't recommend being in a poly situation at all. I hate this attitude you're putting up, acting like I stole Toby from you. I can't steal things that were up for sharing in the first place."

The sudden bout of determination to... win him over (?) caught Felix off-guard. It was a way to lighten up the mood, but Felix just felt sick because of it. This man, who knew very little about him, came into his home and started acting like Felix had an obligation to welcome his romantic advances. He felt like an object. Some sort of prize. Did he have a choice? From what Jeong was saying, no, no he did not.

"Just because we're seeing the same people doesn't mean you have a right to me, Jeong. Please stop treating me like a prize to be won. I know I'm pretty, but I don't feel comfortable going out with someone that resents me for marrying his boyfriend. Why do you even want to go out with me in the first place? Do you even know me?"