Blackbirds

@ReD

The room was black. Quite literally full of darkness, it oozed out into the hallway, creating a small puddle of shadows under the door and an aura of black on the edges. Shadow was for a rare moment, relaxed, laying on his bed, snuggled deep into the covers. If he had it his way he would never leave this room or this bed. His eyes worked better in this complete blackness than anywhere else. He could make out the sharp details of everything in the sparse room. The chair and desk, with the pile of papers on it. There rested many things Shade didn’t understand about this world. Well, for one, that people actually wanted to talk to him, second, the contents. The letters from the Mersing’s were beautiful, but hard to read, it had been a long time since he’d spoken or read anything in English, he was struggling. Then there was Kaz’s note. Complicated didn’t even cover it. The mess of numbers meant nothing, Shade wondered if it was some sort of code or… he smoothed his finger over the mark on his arm, no… there were too few numbers. The other was easy, dorm number, similar to his own.

Closing his eyes, Shadow let himself drift into a half-sleep, leaving Kaz’s cryptic note to later thoughts. His room was his safe space, his place where no one was looking at him, that place where he could not be bothered. Usually.

The knock at the door, startled Shade from on top of his bed to underneath it. The sound came again and this time a voice accompanied it. Someone was here. Shade felt his heart fall. They’d been trying to get him to talk to someone for a while. To work with the Mersings. Shaking, Shadow obeyed the order to open the door. He opened the door a crack and peered out like an owl, blinking as his eyes adjusted from complete darkness to light. He open the door further when they asked to enter. Bringing with them light into his domain. It struggled against the oppressive darkness, but it prevailed, illuminating Shadows face like a skeleton with reflective eyes. There they were… Shadow paused, waiting to feel something… anything. But there was nothing. There was a new person as well, a studious looking old man. Shadow narrowed his eyes, distrust seeped from every pore as Shadow shrank from the new group. Shade bristled when they entered, but the man spoke and they moved more into the room, leaving the door opened and unblocked. Shade didn’t relax, but moved toward it slightly.

They spoke gently to him, asking him if he liked the clothes they’d sent and if he remembered them. He nodded and shook his head as they pressed forward. All the while, his expression was motionless and numb. The shadows that moved around him were the only indication that he was afraid and alive. They wrapped him in a cool cocoon as he made himself a shadow on the wall, barely visible in his discomfort of these people. For the first time, the old man suggested trying something. Shadow pressed further into the wall, fear building. Experimentation, tests. What if he failed… would they take his food? Beat him? His heart rate increased, but he stood rigid, his expression giving none of his fears away. If there was anything he’d learned, it was far worse to run than just take it. The man spoke in a low voice to Mrs. Mersing who nodded. Shade couldn’t hear from the sound of his heart beating in his ears, but soon enough she started to sing.

Something resonated deep within the buried memories. His well controlled mask shattered. Shadow’s eyes widened, he jaw going slack and for a moment the shadows shivered. What… The sense of warmth that swept over him. Sunny days, warmth, joy, love… darkness, cold, fear, pain. Why didn’t you care? Why don’t you love me? Why did you leave me?! his heart screamed. With a shattered cry, Shadow covered his ears and fled. “Daniel!” they called after him. When he sensed they were in pursuit he ran faster, his eyes darting here and there for escape. “Kaz,” he mouthed to himself as he came upon a door. He wasn’t lost… well physically. He hesitated there. He couldn’t go back, they were in his safe place, he had nowhere to hide. As he stood and debated he heard that name again and it resonated deep in his bones. Fear triggered strange things and it triggered Shadow’s knock on the door of his guide.

Shade wrapped his arms and shadows around himself. His breath came in short shallow bursts and the pressure behind his eyes grew, but no tears fell. He was immediately thrust back into that horrible place and all he wanted was his dark room. They do not love you, they left you. The memory had stirred an emotion Shadow had long forgotten. Sorrow and self-pity fell over him like blankets… how pathetic I must be, Shadow thought, missing someone who doesn’t miss me.

The sound of her voice bounced around his mind and so many memories surfaced, tainted by the poison of sorrow and anger. The emotions Shade kept so deeply bottled down were bubbling to the surface and all Shadow could think to do was run and hide and hope he could hide long enough to forget about it. The door opened and Shadow peaked out from under his arms. Shadow shivered and shook his ability to speak hindered by his inability to breathe. He searched for darkness within and felt the shadows within the room but he looked at it in fear. This was Kaz’s domain. Was he welcome to hide there?

An order. Shadow nodded his head but found movement was a struggle. The flight trigger was strong and Shade considered for a moment if this was a mistake. What if he became trapped here? What did Kaz have to gain? What could he possibly want from Shade? “Safe?” He asked barely above a whisper, it sounded safe, but what place was truly safe? Shadow ducked his head flinching away from Kaz when he reached for the doorknob. Shaking his head, he just wanted to disappear. “Daniel!” a voice called, saturated with pain that echoed that in Shadow’s own heart. A keen of pain escaped his lips and he disappeared.

The shadows seeped to his aid and pooled around Shadow. He sank into them, passing from the real world into the cool embraced of the shadows. It was cold here, and the cold woke him a bit. Here he was able to take a breath, safe… but he couldn’t stay here, this was a realm for travelers not residents. Already he felt weak and cold. He looked up at Kaz, Shade couldn’t understand why he was being so kind, but his expression gave no indication of malice. Hopefully. From this realm he looked as though all the colors had been seeped from him and the world around him. Shadow finally moved, creeping through the shadows under Kaz’s open door and arm, emerging on the other side from the shadow cast by Kaz himself. The world bounced back into color and Shadow sagged against the wall of Kaz’s room.

“Thank you,” he said softly, his voice shaking in a mix of fear, stress and chill. It was only then he realized he’d left his room in such a rush that he was missing his hoodie. He tucked his bare arms against himself as he folded in on himself. All this pain, all this was because of them. Why don’t you care? Don’t you miss me? The first days of his captivity he had locked down so thoroughly were bouncing around his mind. All of this was their fault. All of it, they let him go, they left him to die. Shade made a sound close to a whimper and raked his hands through his very sort hair before settling there cradling his head in his arms as if that would help the memories go away. “Don’t let them find me…” he said barely audible through his arms. In this moment of weakness Shadow found himself relying on the only person he thought might help him. Placing himself in the hands of the only person he knew here. All the while his mind was telling him it was a mistake, placing his trust in Kaz.

Shadow understood but it did nothing to reassure him. At least hiding was a thing he could do, it was dark enough here he could probably vanish for a little while. He shivered as Kaz closed the door, a strange sense of trapped coming over him. He was rooted to the spot, he couldn’t have moved if he wanted to, he didn’t have the energy or the will. Shade hissed audibly at the sudden light that came from the window, flinching away from the light. He closed his eyes tightly until darkness fell again. Not trapped, he reminded himself, he had escaped the unescapable. No one could keep him here… well they probably could if they really wanted to, but Shade really hoped the hiding and running skills he had wouldn’t fail him if he had to flee. So far they hadn’t. Either way, Kaz had, wittingly or unwittingly created an easy out.

Shadow started to work to ease his breathing, if he only focused on that maybe he could block out all of the pain and all of the memories. Curled up, half shrouded in darkness, Shadow shook his head at Kaz’s question. Who, who were they? That was a rather large question. Something about the way it was asked compelled Shade to answer and he started to babble. “His family? Doctor, Я не хочу…” Realizing he had lapsed into Russian in his panic, Shadow stopped and just shook his head into his arms. Unable to form consistent thoughts Shadow hid in his arms hoping this would all go away. It had been so long since Shade had had any sort of ally or help, he didn’t know how to take it or how to receive it. There wasn’t even a part of his mind that realized how he was invading Kaz’s space and how possibly scary that might be.

He bitterly wished he didn’t have Kaz sitting there staring at him, he felt like he was under a microscope, always being watched. But where could he go? They’d invaded his space. Shadow didn’t want to talk, he just wanted to curl up here and disappear. Then they could find Daniel… They weren’t his… his family didn’t want him. He felt like the lonely child six years ago crying out for a family that didn’t want him. Why did that song trigger these feelings? Shadow clenched his fists and beat them on his knees in frustration. He should be angry, why wasn’t he angry? Why did that just leave him with this unending soul-deep sorrow?

Coming down from the adrenaline fueled panic, Shadow’s heartrate remained high, but slowly the panic gave way to more raw emotions. He sniffled softly, stubbornly combating the pressure behind his eyes. Crying was not received well… he needed to pull himself together or else… or else what? The unknown was possibly more frightening. He quieted and stilled, as if waking and realized he had no idea what the expect from Kaz. Would he yell? Rebuke? Strike him? For as close as they may have been in age, they were miles away in authority. Shadow figured at that moment it was probably in his best interest to quell whatever bad reaction might be coming. “I’m sorry,” he said shakily, “I didn’t know where else to go.”

Shadow’s head slowly raised from his arms and he slowly shook his head. It wasn’t Russian and it wasn’t English, but it seemed like a cousin of the former. Shadow was too afraid to ask if Kaz knew Russian. He fell back into it into it frequently out of habit but the familiarity of English was more comforting. Shade wasn’t good at speaking it, but it was nice. Ever so slowly, the panic was waning and in its wake it left weariness. Maybe the song was familiar because his mother had sang it, Shade rationalized, it probably wasn’t an uncommon lullaby. But there was an itch in the back of his mind, the memories that wanted to be brought forward were fighting him. He wondered absently, what it would be like to wake up one morning and no longer be who he thought he was. What if he was not who he was?

Kaz was remarkably calm. Shadow was wary but Kaz’s relaxed demeanor was feeding Shade’s own calm. The rational part of his mind brought up familiar defenses and the cracks in his mask started to mend, but nothing could stop then frantic beating of his heart or the way each beat brought a fresh wave of pain as it broke. He looked up at Kaz as he spoke, the emotion in his eyes fading away as he shrunk into himself. The shadows pooled around him and wrapped themselves around his shoulders. Shade couldn’t stop the ache, but for a moment Kaz was speaking and it distracted him. His eyes followed the pencil obediently, taking in the room for the first time since he’d slunk in.

That was an interesting thought. He’d never been in someone else’s place. Until recently he hadn’t even had his own place. Well, he’d had a cell, with a cot in it, but even that wasn’t his. He couldn’t do what Kaz could. There was no stopping people getting in and Shade had no control of being let out. He shook his head, “Do you like it?” he asked softly, his voice regaining something of the steadiness it had had when they first met. Shade honestly hadn’t come to a conclusion. He liked that no one could come in and he had a safe place to hide, but he also didn’t know what to do with it. It was just as his cell was. Bare, only with more furniture and a much more comfortable bed!

Listen. Obediently, Shadow’s eyes snapped back to Kaz. Shade felt nothing in the way of relief, he didn’t want to talk about it, but now he was thinking about it again. He could still see her face, Daniel’s mother. She looked just as devastated as Shadow felt. He couldn’t be that for her, and that kill him. Because he wasn’t her’s… he wasn’t anyone’s. His head dropped onto his arms and he stared unblinking at the floor as Kaz spoke, so lost in his own thoughts he missed most of the rest of what the other boy was saying. At least up until ‘fire’. His head snapped back and fear flashed in his eyes. “Why would I catch fire?” He asked his voice shill with alarm. He briefly unfolded his arms braced against the floor, ready to leave his safe place and find another. There had to be another safe place for him to hide.

Shade now regarded Kaz with suspicion. Torn between wondering if he had accidentally jumped into a fire (metaphorically he hoped) and being too emotionally weary to want to deal with what he might see on the outside of that door. Running into the Mersing’s was the last thing he ever wanted. It suddenly occurred to him that if Kaz was here he was probably like Shadow and had some special skill. Warily, Shadow ventured another question, “Are you going to catch fire?” He wasn’t sure he wanted to be anywhere where that was a possibility.

Kaz’s casual chatter was surprisingly soothing, it allowed him something to focus on that wasn’t his memories and the raw pain and panic eased further to a dull ache. Shadow blinked in surprise. Kaz got lonely too? Strange as it seemed, Shadow hadn’t even imagined that someone else might also feel lonely. All this time, he’d been thinking that he was the odd person out, the only person here that didn’t get along with others, that couldn’t fill this aching void.

“How?” Shadow found himself asking. He couldn’t understand how someone like Kaz could be lonely. It didn’t even occur to him that that was probably very rude to ask someone how they got lonely. Shadow was imagining his loneliness and projecting it onto Kaz, wondering if Kaz was afraid of people too and so he kept them away… but then why let Shade in? It didn’t make sense. None of this made sense! Kaz had to have another motive… He was nice and people weren’t nice for no reason.

Cocking his head, Shadow’s expression didn’t change as he regarded a laughing Kaz with veiled skepticism. He couldn’t fathom what might be funny. Certainly not catching fire. There was nothing funny about that! Shadow’s eyes narrowed. ‘Hope not’ was not a definite no.

He nodded, skills and hobbies… he wondered what the latter meant, what kind of hobbies did normal people have? He could only hazard a guess that sitting in the dark wasn’t a normal one. Shadow’s eyes widened and he could imagine what that was like. Shadow was already imagining the screams that had occasionally made it all the way to his small cell. He’d never stopped to imagine what they’d gone through when he’d heard them back then, he’d only been relieved it wasn’t him. But those were the screams that he imagined when Kaz described the incident. Shadow felt sorry for whoever this roommate was. But something nagged at the back of his mind. “Umm… Kaz,” he hesitated, “What’s Chemistry?”

Despite being on Kaz not giving him any indication that he would attack, when he approached, Shadow still shrunk away from him, still expecting some sort of rebuke of some sort. He stayed, braced for the worst until Kaz was back in his chair.

Shadow was surprised by the question and he felt a twinge of guilt now mixing in. No. He hated it here. But he shouldn’t. He should love it. He knew that. It was far better than where he was before. It wasn’t that he wished to go back, he just wished he could go hide somewhere not around people… but then he was lonely… Perhaps, if there were no people I wouldn’t feel lonely, Shadow thought. He didn’t fit in here, he didn’t fit in with the Mersings, all he did was hurt them. The darkness slithered over his arms, as if trying to offer some comfort. His eyes focused on the small set of numbers on his arm. The permanent reminder of all that had happened. Unwanted. Not even human. He could never escape it… it would always be here in his memories.

Slowly, Shade shrugged his shoulders, as if he were indifferent. “It’s… different.” The darkness slipped over the numbers and he wished it could be forever forgotten. People wanted him to be a person, like a real person who could talk to people and interact without ending up in the fetal position. And that wasn’t going so well, as evidenced by his current state. And he barely understood anything, it was all baffling and people said and did things that didn’t make sense. They kept saying to give it time, but he wasn’t sure he’d get used to it.

Shade shied away from the current topic and in desperation to not remember that horrible place, he tried his hand at changing the subject. “Do you have a weird ability?” He nearly blurted out, oblivious to how that sounded. Shade didn’t remember the last time he’d had an actual conversation with someone… he supposed this was how it worked. Shade supposed if he wanted to be honest with himself, his ideal conversation would be Kaz chattering away and Shadow listening…. But it appeared Kaz was insistent on asking questions and Shadow did what Shadow did best, he hid.