still soft at heart, after everything (cm)

@"Zeronos"

Clarence's birthday had never really been fully about him. This was one of the biggest parties of the year, blackout drunk encouraging, music more vibrating than ever, a new years event mainly along with a vague nod to his ego. Tomorrow, in the late afternoon, he and his mother would sit on the patio with warming charms and just talk for hours, eating little cakes and drinking hot chocolate. Val wouldn't come down from his room, but they'd leave an extra tray of treats outside his door.

And really, he suffered through this, as was expected, as long as he could. But late in the evening he made a daring escape and… didn't text Lei, no, he called her. He'd seen her at the very start of this menace of an event, and. He wanted to hear her voice again, that was all.

Even though 'that was all', he stumbled with his words, voice suddenly a bit thick. He walked further away from the ballroom and more into the side hallways, trying to make sure he wouldn't be too drowned out, wouldn't have to yell to be heard. At least his phone was always the most recent, the best tech.

"Lei? Uh, hi." Great, nice going already Clarence, you smooth fuck. Honestly. "Where are you? I need a break, and kinda wanted to… show you some things. Talk more. Which I should've done so much earlier than this, but." He paused in his steps, pressing his back to a wall and slowly sliding down. "I don't want to keep putting things off with you. There's always some kind of distraction, or I'm busy, or you're busy, or there's too many other people and it's-"

"Fuck," he hissed out, scrubbing at his face.

"I… want to see you. Be with you, just us. Haha, um, yeah. Yeah." Shit, damn it, no, that sounds so, this was so, god fucking damn it. His face was red. Why did he have to be like this. Christ. He held his breath and waited for the darling princess to react.

Clarence half wasn't expecting… anything, really. He wouldn't have minded if Lei had turned the offer down, his birthday or not, but. Aw, hell, butterflies. All the fluttery, bubbly butterflies in the world had decided to launch an attack on his chest and stomach, the absolute fuckers, and he couldn't do a damn thing about it. Weak.

He was nodding along, until he realized this wasn't a video call, Lei couldn't see that. Ugh. Then, he shook himself off and spoke again. "Yeah, you're right. Not since then." Though, talking like this, it already felt intimate again. He'd said a lot that time, just the memory was enough to shake him. He didn't regret it, but it was… difficult.

Lei was the only person who knew, outside of family, about so many things.

Clarence shifted a bit, cleared his throat quietly. "Okay, if you're in the bathroom, pretty much directly across the ballroom is a door- literally charmed to not be that noticeable unless you're looking for it. Goes into a little side hallway, and I'm just right over here." He was more than used to ducking in for breathers.

"You can keep me on the phone until you get here, if you want." Like he wanted, for purely sappy reasons. "Unless," he smiled, "you want me to make a rescue?"

Clarence stood back up, wanting to be presentable and ready for any situation. Even if he wasn't doing any rescues, he did have plans.

Clarence laughed. "Should've brought an umbrella- to literally smack punks with, I mean. Maybe next time, right?" His humor was… okay, he swore he was usually pretty charming and witty, but then it just degraded to this stuff and he felt like a huge fucking nerd. He was blushing, but continued to run his mouth anyway. Shit. Always with the tripping over himself in an attempt to get some kind of cute response from Lei. Always.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. How manageable would this be, when they were alone again? He had no way to predict it, no amount of previous experience to draw from- nothing was pushing them together this time other than his own want. And that was. Aw fuck. He burned with heat and garbage butterflies, music and chaos from Lei's end blaring in his ear.

"Did you actually end up hitting someone?" Clarence muttered, half to himself. "Uh. None of these people will remember it later, so you're fine." He occasionally squinted, trying to listen in, decipher more of the shenanigans Lei was somehow getting involved with, but quickly gave up. Even for him, king of the overdramatic teen parties, that was hard to do. Hell, it was difficult to understand even when you were seeing it in person.

Although it hardly took very long to get over to the side hall, Clarence was still somehow caught off guard when Lei arrived. He was pretty sure his flustered asshole behavior hadn't helped him to mentally prepare. And it hadn't gone away yet, so. Ah yes, a never ending cycle of not helpful, yay!

Jesus christ. He was staring, and his phone was just dangling from his fingers, but he couldn't be bothered to care because… what the fuck? Was being that precious legal? Apparently, his host survival instincts had saved him from paying too much attention to Lei's outfit (and general existence) earlier, because otherwise? He would've been messed up all night. Since when did he get hot and bothered over bows, skirts, and adorable little fluffy boots?

Well, maybe hot and bothered wasn't the right term, because this was more dorky than just sexual. But he was definitely warm, and absolutely bothered, so. Uh. Fuck.

He finally shoved his phone back in his pocket, moving over to Lei. His mind was blanking on him, and he was forgetting his own long term intentions again. What was up? He was supposed to be… kissing her, right? Or. No, no, that's… He needed something to do with his hands, which very nearly ended up being holding her cheeks and- he didn't do that, though. They were going in that direction, due to terrible impulse control, and he just. Touched the bows in her hair instead, played with them a bit.

Because that was less suspicious. Yeah, fucking sure, Clarence, good job. Master of subtlety.

"You know the hidden passageways and rooms you see in movies?" He blurted out, all at once. "Um." He didn't move his hands, just, hesitated. Oh, god, her hair was soft. "Do you… like those?"

All the inward screaming. All of it.

Clarence couldn't, for the life of him, figure out why he read disappointment from Lei. It buzzed in his head like something heavy and attention deserving, and yet, at the same time, his own paranoia didn't let him do anything about that. He drew his hands back and shoved all those feelings out of his mind for the time being.

And then, an easy, smug grin settled on his face.

"Oh, you don't even know the half of it, Lei."

He looped their arms and led Lei down the hall, twisting and turning in a seemingly random fashion. Another unassuming spot, shadowy corner and a dim light. While there wasn't anything so dramatic (and overly obvious) as pulling it like a lever, he did reach in and press a very small switch. The wall the light was on clicked open.

Clarence curled his arm around Lei more fully, sweeping her in, and they were gone.

Crowther Mansion secret passages were by far the best of the best, as would be expected. They were clean and bright, while also being complicated and fun, all the little hidey holes and thrill that came with that, as well as the privacy. They were a little less orderly than the actual house space, though, stairs and ladders, places you had to squeeze through… the two of them were a bit pressed together here, really.

Clarence didn't dislike that. It felt shady, as though he was taking advantage of things, of their friendship, but… shit. Haha. That's right, it was his birthday- maybe he could afford to be like this, near her, feeling these things, for a little longer.

Just a little longer. He'd back off soon, he promised, but. Let him have this, pretend even, for at least a few blissful hours. He wouldn't forget it.

"No ghosts, unless you want to count Val, but everything else? Yeah, we have it all. Lotsa weird entrances and exits, spying spots, treasure rooms… the underground tunnels are creepy as fuck, though, I'm not a big fan." He stuck his tongue out a bit at that, making a face. "This stuff is more my area, that and- have you been near the hedge maze? God, I don't even know how much of a tour I should be giving here."

"Nah, it's pretty much in my blood, navigating this place so naturally," Clarence said with a sniff, pride in his chest. He didn't mention all the times he'd gotten confused and panicked in the underground, of course.

He also ignored Val's voice in his head, calling him a baby. Unfair.

"Crowthers have been using these since the mansion was built, getting up to all sorts of tricks- it's pretty fucking fantastic."

A pause in his gushing.

"Should probably go without saying, but don't tell anyone about this stuff, yeah? Top secret, usually family only information and sights. I'm trusting you here, Lei." And there was that vulnerability again, sneaking into his confident tones, more dangerous than ever. Almost as though he didn't want her to forget.

Didn't want her to forget he was soft, in all the same ways that she was. If Lei of all people couldn't see that in him, why even attempt opening up to anyone else?

Telling others personal details wasn't a strong point for Clarence. It made him want to throw up. Then there was Lei. His hands still shook, no matter what, but when it was with her…

He took in a deep breath and let it out again. Kept moving forward, even while dragging things along behind him. He didn't know how to leave them completely behind yet, and wasn't sure he ever would, but he was trying. He really was.

Clarence lingered wherever he could. Brushing up against her, a hand on her shoulder, hair, bows- he was trying to use it to calm his heart down, but who was he kidding, it only made it worse. Master of self sabotage. He kept doing it anyway, and tucked some of Lei's hair back when he next spoke.

"Is that okay? Can I keep you to myself, just for tonight? I'll share all I have, if that's what you want."

Fuck, he wanted to kiss her so much, it was driving him crazy. On the lips, cheeks, forehead, nose, just pepper her whole adorable face with kisses- and not only that, he wanted to kiss her in every possible location. Everything and everywhere. They could get away with so much, tucked away in here together. Nobody would know if he had her pressed against a wall, right behind all the noise and meaningless garbage.

Despite the heat in his thoughts, the imagery, he knew the first time would be careful. So very careful, and soft, like them. Innocent, even. They'd probably hold hands.

Christ. Why was he like this.