And I shall be dumped where the weed decays

Clarence and Lei were more alike, too alike, than he'd realized before. Than he would've wanted for her, really, because being similar in the ways they were… it didn't make things clean or kind, behind closed doors. And no matter how many times he asked himself things like 'does it have to be like this for her?' and mused that 'maybe they were different', it didn't bring him to any different conclusions. Instead, he was simply more tired, more settled in his choices and knowledge. Not happy, but ultimately not quite as miserable as he could've been, if he didn't know and feel like he did.

And when this passed (when, not if), the two of them would probably look at each other just a bit differently. With that slow, steady familiarity, the unspoken connection that came with it, almost bittersweet in nature, important. Clarence felt it now, especially, and with it came the unhidden affection. He was more open than he'd ever been before, more vulnerable in a way others just wouldn't see and register as even being vulnerable. The fast paced brightness with Clarence's usual persona wasn't bad, but it wasn't all that was in him, either, and this was… different.

Clarence wondered if it was cowardly that he'd finally started to share this level of closeness, precisely when the other person involved could hardly respond to it, or perhaps even notice it like he could.

He'd never claimed to be anything other than a coward, but it didn't change that his feelings on this, the inability to hide it… it had simply happened, and now, it wasn't going to go away again. Just like he wasn't going to.

It hurt to watch Lei go through the motions, to be so horribly familiar, but it was a blunt pain rather than a sharp one. It was late when she woke up again this time around, a rare moment of being more aware. He thought it helped, things being dark and quiet and without… any overwhelming people trying to crowd about and make things worse, in their need to pretend to be kind without really trying. That sort of thing never failed to put angry prickling on Clarence's skin, to make him want to hurt someone.

He hadn't. Yet. Mostly for Lei's sake. Always for Lei's sake.

His heart soared a bit at the thought of Lei eating something- she clearly wanted to, at least a little bit, right then- following her movements and then settling again when the spoon dropped. It was strange, foreign to his ears, seeming muffled like most things but also very loud. He was glad she'd tried, even though a tiny voice was very fast to try to correct this gladness and bring shame into the mix. Clarence, with his powerful nightvision, cringed slightly at the girl's behavior. He didn't blame her, never would, he knew that would be hypocritical as well as simply wrong- but he didn't like the shame because it was Lei they were talking about. Lei. Princess.

He sat up from his sleeping bag, usually perfect hair a bedhead, only a loose t-shirt and pajama pants for clothes. He carefully set his crossed arms at the edge of Lei's bed, then resting his cheek on top, head tilted slightly, expression mild and contemplative. He sucked in a breath.

"I keep thinking about it. And it feels so obvious to me, but you might… not know, huh? How familiar this feels to me. Me, snobby Clarence Crowther, rich boy with everything, or something like that…" He blinked a bit, his own voice getting smaller now. He just paused, and started again. "But you've been around me. You must already be aware it's not all just that, and, um…" He kept slowing. "Shit," he said, in the most gentle possible manner one could say such a thing.

"I've gone through this, Lei. Sometimes I still have days where I go through it all again." He played with the blanket fabric a bit, absently. "If you've wondered, at all, why I act differently than everyone else does… that's why."

"And I think that after a while it'll be… if not okay, better, and if you hate even the idea of that? Well, I understand."

"I don't blame you. Not for that, not for anything."

Clarence felt the breath knocked out of him by the eye contact between them, already established connection further buzzing in his chest, so, so bittersweet. He pressed his face against his arms when she looked away, but couldn't help peeking up slightly, trying to give her dignity while at the same time… he needed to keep watching over her. Really, that was the presence he'd been trying to have.

"I know, I know," Clarence said, very quietly, as she cried.

Then, then she started speaking, and he listened with ice spreading through his body.

The shady boyfriend, he did this? That's who was being implied, wasn't it? Clarence's chest tightened. That person had reminded him of Val, which was a horrible, horrible sign. He knew that. Should he have pushed more? He hadn't thought he'd had the right, it was, oh god. Oh god, oh god, oh, fuck, this was-

He felt anger boiling in his heart, for Lei, for him, for the loss of whatever innocence they had in the first place. His body was cold at the edges, and at his core, burning. She reminded him so much of himself, and he absolutely despised it. They never deserved any of it, never had any proper warning, naive romantics that they were.

"I know," Clarence tried again, emotion weighing in his voice. He didn't know how comforting that really was, but it was true. Old wounds, never fully healed, were opening up, and he didn't… he wanted Lei to be different, better, than him. Would all these friends help? Could he help? He could only hope. He was so tired, but for Lei, he could hope.

"Princess," Clarence started, and then, oh no, sniffling. He clawed at his arms a bit, tried to get some air in his system, some clarity. "you didn't do anything. It wasn't you. It's them. You want to make sense of it, put in some kind of meaning, so it'll be less terrifying, less bleak, but it- it-"

He wished he could touch her, brush away her tears, something, but he wasn't going to without her initiating it. He wouldn't dare.

He was silent for a moment. His eyes stung.

"Death isn't better. It isn't better. Something as bright as you shouldn't- horrible things shouldn't be allowed to take you away, it's not… how dare they," Clarence hissed. "What he did to you, what was done to me, how fucking dare they."

His exhausted body pressed further against the bed. Flashes of rage, then this, that was how it went. "…My father never, uh." It was hard not to choke oh his own words. "I tried, but he. It was. I wasn't what he wanted. I tried, I tried. I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm, it's…"

"He killed me. Didn't even hesitate a little, I have nightmares about it and h-his expression constantly, replaying over and over again, it's… death isn't better." He scrubbed at his face. "I'm sorry, Lei. I'm so sorry."

"We're still here, somehow. We're still here."