Private Why Are Emotions So Confusing?

Michi was not nervous. Despite Lizzy's endless advice, Michi decided to wait for Rowan to approach first. If he was upset at all, she didn't want to just barge in unannounced and inevitably corner him to forgiving her after she makes her excuses, she decided she'll wait for Rowan to talk to her first. And she didn't have to wait too long really. If Rowan was upset, she wouldn't have known, and she could have easily swept her own slip up under the rug. But of course, she had Lizzy to remind her that's not how it works. So when Rowan contacted her, asking her to meet up, she agreed. So here she was, on the way to an ice cream shop, as agreed. She saw Rowan from a distance and he greeted her warmly which she welcomed better than during the dance. "Sorry, I'm a bit late. I forgot how to choose clothes," she said. He seemed nervous, though Michi wasn't sure why she thought so. Maybe something with his gesture, maybe something in his expression. She couldn't tell -- the voices were noisy. Actually, she wasn't nervous, no. She was panicking, and the voices didn't help her at all. But she was managing, keeping a tight smile to hide it. She took her seat across from him and looking over the menu. "Ice cream would be nice," she said. She tried to avoid his gaze by reading through the menu, but she found in the middle of her panic, she couldn't remember how to read words.

"Huh?" Michi looked up to Rowan about to ask if he'd said anything, if one of the voices hadn't just graciously echoed it for her. She seemed to struggle at first, midly distracted how the voice had started parroting words said to her. "All over Earth? Huh, aren't there weird flavors in some countries?" she said. As much as she wanted to find anything weird on the menu, she literally could focus enough to read, instead just settling for one of her favorites after asking the waitress about it. Michi was worried for a moment, fearing the silence that would follow after the waitress left them to theirselves but Rowan spoke up, and Michi realized she'd been holding her shoulders stiff. She hid her hands under the table, idly picking at the frill of her skirt. She was quiet for a moment up untl Rowan brought up about the dance and while part of her was glad she didn't have to bring it up herself, part of her wished he didn't bring it up so early in the conversation. Can't a girl enjoy her ice cream first? "Um. Yeah, about that," she began, fiddling with her thumb. Though it was probably more appropriate to say she was pinching the skin on her thumb, struggling to remember what Lizzy told her. "Sorry, about what I said: when I said I didn't want to think about it." Off to a bad start? Who knows -- she sure doesn't. "I-I mean--I didn't mean I didn't want to think about us d-dating or anything!" she quickly caught herself, trying not to stammer. "I-it's just that--" Crap, don't blank out. Don't blank out. The voices weren't even helping. Be honest, Lizzy said -- that's hard when the voices in her head were distracting her when she already can't figure out what to say.

It's okay, Rowan told her. The voices were noisy. She would have dug her nails into her own palm to ground herself but instead she felt Rowan's hands over them. Though comforting, it didn't cease the voices. Not that her idea would have helped. The voices had only grown noisier since she last remembered to the point they could follow her into her dreams -- whispering on and on about one or another thing. She could hear some of them chanting to leave, others scolding her for wasting time, a few she could hear speaking badly of her for no reason. But Michi decided not to say anything about it. Focus on Rowan, she told herself, her own inner voice almost drowned out by the buzz. She gave Rowan a tight smile, hoping it could hide the turmoil in her mind. "S-sorry. Noisy chatter bugs, aren't they?"

Michi could only smile. She wasn't a slave to her voices -- she liked to think she never was. But if anything, they were a heavy burden and she wanted nothing more but to silence them. But she was no closer to that, than when she started studying. She shook her head, despite the urging from the voices this wasn't the time for that. Michi went out here for a reason and it wasn't to mull about the voices or her skipping on magic training. "Thanks, Rowan," she said quietly, hopefully enough that Rowan could hear. "You know I've got your back to if things go bad." Carefully, Michi tried to peel her hands away from Rowan. As much as it was comforting to feel company, she wanted to feel grounded in her own way. Plus... she would rather not accidentally hurt Rowan with another random magic surge. In any case, the momentary pause let her get back on track. "About what I said..." Michi clenched her hands over each other. "It's not that I didn't want to think about dating it's more like. I didn't want to get distracted? "Like what if they were wrong, and I just mess things up, I just... I don't want to ruin anything."

Michi gave him a wry smile. Messing up was a part of life, but she wanted to refute that messing up also had dire consequences sometimes. Sometimes it causes a rift between people; sometimes it's harder to bear when the rift becomes too obvious. She held her hands tightly, as if trying to push the thoughts back before the voices locked onto it and echo the memories attached to her family members. She didn't want to her the voices chant how she still sometimes couldn't stop thinking it could have been because of her. Instead she tried to echo Rowan's words, trying to process them at the same time. She breathed out slowly, trying to ease her thoughts back to the present. If she was going by what Lizzy told her, Rowan probably waited long enough. Even so, Michi didn't think she could answer clearly yet. She'd known Rowan for a while, and she'd never thought of anything else other. But it didn't sound so bad? Maybe. "So um... is it okay... if we take things a bit slowly?"