Things Too Small To see

Dear ...,


I saw this at a shop, its pretty and I thought why not pick it up. So I've been thinking of what to fill you with and I've decided to give you the full story. I mean, there has to be something more than glitter, fun, flirting, and horrible pick up lines.

I've decided to use this as my way of putting all my thoughts out in the open, so I can focus on what really matters. Which if I'm being honest, I have no Idea what that is. There aren't many times I just sit to contemplate what I want in life, or what really matters to me. I'm such a live in the moment kind of person that I don't really stop and think about stuff beneath the surface. I think maybe, its time I start trying to figure out this whole mess. I mean in four years I'll be an adult..does that mean its time to start growing up? As much as I like to think I can, I can't be young forever.

Eventually ill have to grow up and start life as a working and responsible individual. That's a long time from now but it still a reality. I have to be honest with myself and accept things will change and I can't stay the same person forever. Maybe this goes deeper than just wanting to be fun and young forever. I mean what better way to spend a weekend with no plans than trying to painfully analyze myself and perhaps find something I never knew. There's about five hundred pages, and its 11pm on a Friday night. I think that maybe, just maybe I might be able to get things off my chest.

My only fear is that someone might find this. Who really cares enough to want to know my deepest thoughts? I'm positive that things don't matter besides shallow surface things. There are people out there who spend their time wallowing in solitude because they don't like their selves... I mean I like myself? Why wouldn't I like myself, I'm pretty awesome.

This is more like an introduction page, am I writing a book? That's probably what this is. A book about me! That sounds a lot more conceited than I imagined, but I can't deny I mind it at all. I'm many things and modest isn't one of them. Obviously I should be the only one reading this, so no nosey little sisters
-Addy

[sub]Saturday morning, 1 am[/sub]

I've been staring at this page for the better part of half an hour. I mean, I don't even know where to start. I never really though that honesty would be that hard, especially one it's honest about oneself. I don't really get why things should be so difficult, or rather frustrating for me to put on paper. You how you want to say something, but you know it will come out the wrong way? I feel like, every thought I want to right down, comes out the wrong way. Like if I don't word it the right way then it'll still be there.
I guess the first thing on my mind would be how different the Island is from back home. I mean besides siblings, parties, and tutors...I never really got out. It's easy to get caught up in everything...it's so different. So many kinds of people that aren't related to you, and have so many different qualities and identifiers than just what they are. It gives people the chance to discover who they are...and I'm kind of looking forward to that.

At the same time, what I find who I am isn't really who I want to be? I mean Im sure people would just say change yourself, but I don't believe that people can change. I feel like people are a slave to their nature, no matter what you can't change the foundation of who you are. I mean, sure people grow up and they do act different from when they were younger, but I see that as moving on to a different chapter. More often than not you stay along the same path, angry children turn into angry bitter adults, the cheerleader settles for a loveless marriage with the rich guy, and the nerd is the CEO of coorperation. I mean high school seemed like a pretty fun thing for me but I mean.. I'm at the end of the freshman year already.

I mean things are going by fast and I mean...what If I want something different than I had back home? I mean it was all shopping, glitter, parties, and random demons that I met. Is it so horrible to want something more then that...something different? What if I don't even know what that something different is?

I know im over thinking things and that's why I perfer to live in the moment, but that gets kind of hectic when dealing with the aftermath the next day. Even I can admit that some of my ideas weren't the best. There's nothing wrong with like, wanting to live life to the fullest, and that meanss trying stupid stuff. Especially since you know, I'm just gonna respawn if I die...Wait that sounds wrong. I mean I want live life to the fullest because the consquences won't be that bad physically. I mean mentally I work out stuff when the times comes right?

I mean, I am rather implusive...and I have the habit of nothing thinking before I make my choices or speak...or like do most things. Maybe I have to work on that, I mean perfection doesn't come easily, you have to work on it. I guess that means i'm still working on stuff right? Working on my self seems a lot easier than just pretending to have it all figured out. Then agin, pretending to have it all figured out is amazing as well.

I guess the best place to start would be working out the facts and fictions right? I mean they can seem pretty much the same once things start getting crazy. Eventually you wind up on the other side of the storm and everything is different from before. Here goes nothing.
-ADDY

I don't know what to do. I want so much and yet none of it...really satisfies anything. I follow every whim I have and then, more of them come. I suppress the urge and then it just builds up. I can't even decide what I feel towards people most of them, it feels like I just force the words to come from my mouth.

Don't get me wrong, I like flirting with people. I like attention and gifts and cuddling and watching movies...but is it all worth it? I mean are people in general worth your time an energy? How can I even have real friends if I can't be honest about who I am. And for Christ sakes, what's with a this guilt. I mean I like she but I have no attraction to him. I thought it was there and the brief thought to kiss him was there but not the..butterflies or pull I felt when other people are lusting after people.

Am I just supposed to go search all my incredibly long life for that feeling? Is it just because I'm barely 15 that I don't understand the feeling? I get more from a steamy book than I get from people... Can a person be book sexual. I mean is it stupid to be flirty when you're just going through the motions. It was fun at the beginning but now losing interest. Perhaps its my attention span that's the problem.
On another note, my show is going fine. In fact were wrapping up the second season filming and I'll be audition for a side mechanic role in a movie. I hope I get the part, I really like acting... It means I don't have to be myself for awhile.

It always comes back to the guilt and insecurities. I don't know why I'm so insecure. I'm pretty, I'm smart, I have three dads who care about me..and a little sister. Why should it matter that the one person I want to ask so many questions isn't around. Lots of girls have grown up without their mom in their life and grown up just fine. I'll be fine... I won't leave like her...I won't hurt people. Just because I look her doesn't mean I am her. So why does it feel like I am or I will be? What if all these whims and impulses mean I'll leave just like she did?

What if I'm forcing this because I'm scared of being alone? I know its clichéd but I don't even know who I am. Airheaded Addy the flirt or Addy with more aspiration and goals than she has time. How can I find a balance between how I want people to see me and who I really want to be? At what age do I become in the skin I am. Because I thought I didn't care what people thought about me...but I guess that's not exactly true.
-Adeline

What do I want in someone? I mean I have a few shallow demands but I usually just make it up as I go. I was watching practical magic and the girl had a list.. Maybe I should make one to. Here goes nothing...

The perfect guy
1.) Taller than me
2.) Intelligent and Can deal with my random moods
3.) Can keep my attention
4.) Sees the real me and accepts it
5.) Doesn't mind watching nerdy movies
6.) Good personality
7.) Attentive
8.) Attractive
9.) Not afraid to dance in the middle of the road with me.
10. ) Someone I can be myself around.
11.) someone I can trust
12. ) Someone who makes me wanna stick around.
13.) Strong, not just physically, but I dunno..


Well, on another note, my birthday is in 18 days. I'll be 15, almost 16. I mean its not that special of a number by maybe by next year I'll have things figured out.

-Adeline

I've realized that, I'm doing this to myself. I'm letting things affect me and I shouldn't be worried with them. I don't know if this means I should be apathetic or if I should just pretend not care. I mean I've spent hours ranting about Sam and Aedan...about what I wished had happened and what I wished I could've said. Its gotten me nowhere, its left me with nothing but all this regret and feelings I wished I never felt.

Is it wrong to not be able to commit to one person? Is it wrong to like someone so much but know you'll always want more? Is it wrong to want to feel butterflies fluttering so much in your stomach you're afraid they'll spill out your mouth and on to the sidewalk? Is it wrong to want that feeling to last past the first few weeks.

I don't know if I'm jaded or not, I mean I've spent 14 years of my life watching people come and go. Moving from one thing to the next when they get bored and no longer feel that passion...that lust. Am I gonna be like that too? What if I end up hurting everyone that I care about when they no longer interest me?
Chasing my desires and whims, not stopping to think about the people I hurt. What if I'm a monster...what if I'm a selfish monster? Even worse what if no matter how hard I try, I'm exactly like my mother.

That's my biggest fear, being like mother... Its bad enough that I look like her. Is wrong to look in the mirror and not regcognize the mask you're wearing? How long until it stops becoming a mask.

-Adeline

*Adeline Rosales To do list*

1. Rearrange closet
2. Organize bookshelves
3. Change color of room
4. Find old library book
5.Vlogging
6.Update Instagram
7. Homework (do first)
8.Call Sam


6am - 7:30am : Get ready, check emails
8am-4pm : School and Various school activities. (See class schedule)
4pm -5pm : Relax, read, or homework
5pm- 8pm (or later): Work
8pm -11pm: Study
11pm-6am: Sleep

***Note to self: Get better at schedule making***