THESE are your parents?

Seth · Jul 15, 2009

Even with the world moving around the two of them faster than they could hope to keep up with, Seth knew that they weren't the only ones who were truly facing issues at the moment. For all of her ignorance that she'd displayed, he could tell that Liz loved her children very deeply- a revelation like this was going to try her every ounce of tolerance and acceptance if she was going to deal with things for the better.

"There's something that Christians like to do that I'm relatively familiar with," he began quietly, turning to look at Liz head-on. "They have this thing called Faith, in their Lord and God. Maybe you should have some in your son's choices," he finished, ending his own way of imploring her to be understanding. Were his words intended to strike a chord? Absolutely. Did that make them any less wise? Probably not. Whether it worked or not, he never let his calm smile falter, knowing that what Liz needed now was not a smirking victor or a triumphant fiend that had snatched her son away. She needed a teacher, one with the patience to hear out her arguments.

"Anything for you," he said with a shrug, laying his hand atop Nikkolai's as it came to rest on his shoulder. He nodded slowly, solemnly understanding what his boyfriend meant. It wasn't something that needed to be spoken, a truth easily realized even without words. There was no way they could stay here, not in this house, not in this town which was caught within a vicegrip of intolerance. "Go get what you need to," was all he said, watching as Nikkolai snaked his way from room to room until he heard feet heading up the stairs.

He took a last look at Liz, at this woman whose heart was probably breaking as her world shattered into a thousand pieces around her, and felt only the most honest pity for her and her husband. Naturally, the feeling was especially strong for Nikkolai's sisters, the poor girls who would be swept up in this all-consuming typhoon without a choice. "I'm sorry we have to leave under such unhappy conditions. Tell Melissa goodbye for me," was all he said before turning and making his way towards the door, voice suddenly showing a great weariness as he spoke. No more words followed his departure as he made his way outside, leaving the door ajar without concern.

This ordeal had exhausted him, and not just dinner's events. Everything from the moment after he'd walked in the door was catching up to him now, weighing down his steps as he opened the door and turned the keys in the ignition. He didn't even bother with thinking about how odd American cars were, it was the least of the myriad of concerns that flew around his mind. The moment he was sure Nikkolai was in the car next to him, luggage safely in the back seat, he pushed against the gas pedal and pulled out of the driveway, going quickly enough to distance them from the house without being too conspicuous. He wanted to leave this place behind, though no matter how much he felt, he knew Nikkolai's urge to leave it all in the past must have been far stronger.

By the time the blonde spoke, they were in the middle of the long, dirt highway once more, yet again the only vehicle in sight. He let his foot leave the gas, lightly pressing the brake instead until they had come to a complete stop, simply listening to the sound of the engine for a few moments. Without a second thought, he pulled the keys from the ignition, turning to look at Nikkolai as the car came to a total stop. There was nothing now: no noise from the car, from any surrounding homes or families, nothing but their breathing and the sound of night winds circling the globe.

There were no words he could speak to let him know that everything was fine, no possible way to audiate how he felt. All Seth found himself able to do was unbuckle his seatbelt and turn as best he could, facing Nikkolai as he leaned forward to wrap his arms around him. His hands moved along the blonde's back, stopping at the middle and moving back up to the nape of his neck before he repeated the motions. Once more, he found words deserting him; instead, he found himself 'shh'ing more softly than an Angel's whisper, holding his lover as close as he could while he lightly brushed his lips against the other's cheek.

birdie · Jul 16, 2009

As soon as they pulled out of the driveway, Nikkolai couldn't bring himself to look at Seth; it was an awful thing to admit or even think, he knew that it was, but he just couldn't do it. He couldn't even pinpoint a reason, although the sickening remorse that was beginning to well up in his stomach was probably a good enough guess. He turned his face away, opting to look out the window, and folded his arms over his chest as they began to drive past all the monotonous houses. Unfortunately, watching as each house melded into the next was not having the calming affect he thought it would. His mind was reeling and his innards felt like they had twisted into thousands of knots - he just wanted something, anything to alleviate that feeling, but he couldn't find it in Seth. After all that had transpired, he didn't want to make things any worse, even if his love was the most caring, understanding man he'd ever met.

The houses soon disappeared, leaving them out of town and driving off into the middle of no where. Oddly enough, that was exactly how Nikkolai felt right now. All safety he'd ever known, that little net that had been there in case he fell - it was gone. He didn't have a family to fall back on anymore. His father had already made it blatantly clear how he felt about his queer son and, although his mother was the softer of the two, he knew she wouldn't let him back in that house so long as her husband willed it. In the course of ten minutes, maybe even less, every comfort Nikkolai had possessed had been yanked out from under him. There was nothing, absolutely nothing except the sea of utter uncertainty, doubt, and loneliness he'd been so suddenly thrust into. Where was he supposed to go from here...? The past was gone now; he couldn't return to his family, his hometown, or see the people he'd grown up with. Even if that existence had been bleak at the most, it had been something - and what did he have now, besides a desolate past and an even more uncertain future?

What was he supposed to do? How could he go on without his family...? The people that had brought him into this world were supposed to nurture, protect, and love him unconditionally - so why didn't they? Did this small part of who he was really dictate how they would see him and feel about him from now on? Since when was it so bad just to love someone, even if they were the same gender? Since when was it so wrong just to love, when had that become contemptible? There was nothing horrible about it, there was nothing so overwhelmingly different... why couldn't they just see how much Nikkolai loved Seth and how much Seth loved him, and see them for the people they were...?

Before he even realized what was going on, the car was slowing down. Nikkolai was slowly brought back to the world and out of his thoughts, and for the first time since they'd left his family's house, turned to look at his love. That was when the apologies all fell out, slipping between his lips before he could even process what he was saying, but he truly meant it from the bottom of his heart. He hadn't wanted the meeting to go as it had - even if he knew that it had been inevitable for things to screw up, he'd desperately wanted his parents to at least like Seth, but they couldn't even do that.

As Seth turned to him and wrapped his arms around him, Nikkolai became suddenly aware of the ache in his throat, the tightening in his chest and the somewhat burning sensation in his eyes. He unbuckled his own seatbelt, biting his lower lip in an attempt to stop the cries that were just begging to be released. His arms found their way around Seth, clinging to him as best he could because of the seats. His eyes squeezed shut, a final effort to stop himself from crying. Even if he knew that crying wasn't weak, that it helped the soul heal, he still couldn't help it when it had been drilled into his head since he was younger that boys don't cry. The soft 'shh'ing and the hands that began to move up and down his back only encouraged him though, and with a soft whimper Nikkolai buried his head into Seth's shoulder, finally releasing all the torment and all the anguish that had been building up inside of him for years. Everything had finally reached its limit, had finally come to a peak and he couldn't stop himself from weeping freely, shoulders shaking with every sob that wracked his body.

"I'm... s-so sorr-ry..." Nikkolai tried, his voice feeling tight because of the lump that had grown in his throat and coming out somewhat muffled because of his face being hidden in Seth's shoulder. "I really... really... d-didn't want t-to put you through tha-at..." He couldn't speak. The sorrow was just too powerful, and at the moment he couldn't do anything but give into it and let it have him.

After a few moments he tried again, pulling Seth's body closer to his own and clutching his shirt in his fists. "He hit me... m-my own father hit me..." he said, disbelief lacing his voice as he sobbed again. "I-I didn't think... that... that he'd actually..." Nikkolai whimpered, not knowing the proper words to express everything inside of him. There was no way to articulate any of it, no way to put this sort of agony into eloquence. "The way he looked at me... and my mother... oh God, Seth..." Nikkolai couldn't speak, he just couldn't. He just wanted to sit here and hold him and be held by him, just for a while - just long enough to forget anything else in the world existed.

Seth · Jul 26, 2009

From the moment the wheels of their rented car had begun to turn, carrying them down the pavement, Seth could feel turmoil brewing within Nikkolai; it was like a wave rolling in, slowly growing larger and more dangerous as it came- the question was when it would break upon the shore that was his lover. On some level, it hurt Seth to see him turning away, but he tried to understand. Nikkolai had just given up everything- his family, his home, any friends he might have had in this town... For what?

Me.

The realization cut him more deeply than any blade could ever hope to sink, reaching a point where physical pain was impossible. He'd been dealt a blow to his spirit, something much more difficult to shield and repair. "Nikk, I..." he muttered quietly, words lost the moment they left his mouth. What was he trying to do, to say? I'm sorry? Didn't mean for your parents to hate me? I should've just kept my damned mouth shut, he thought ruefully, hands gripping at the steering wheel just a bit more tightly. Thinking back, he couldn't even hope to explain his behavior.

All throughout the drive, the wave that was Nikkolai's uncertainty, doubts, and regrets only seemed to be growing, swallowing him alive as it fed on his emotions. He wanted so desperately to just hold Nikkolai right now, to kiss him softly and tell him that everything would be all right... But he couldn't promise him that, no matter how much it pained him to admit it. He couldn't even begin to fathom what Nikkolai had to be going through, and he wasn't going to pretend that he could understand how it felt, either. His parents had reacted so differently when he came out to them, he wasn't expecting such harsh repercussions.

For God's sakes, Nikkolai's father had slapped him! Was the idea of his son feeling the strongest emotion of all for another person really so revolting to him? When had the world become so convuluted by what they proclaimed as being moral that they lost the capacity to take joy in others' happiness? People like Nikkolai's father paraded themselves around under the banner of righteousness, claiming that what they did was 'right,' yet their actions portrayed hypocricy. Mouthes with golden tongues preached love and acceptance, while their coal-black hearts radiated only prejudice and apathy!

By the time he'd stopped the car, Seth was almost as close to breaking as Nikkolai was. In one single night, he'd suddenly lost so much of the faith that he'd held in the people of the world. Could they truly be so clouded by illusions of being just in their acts? He heard the apologies Nikkolai let flow like a river, and even though he wanted to say it, he found himself unable to speak. There was a tightness in his throat, something he attributed to Nikkolai's emotions being so powerfully overwhelming that they were spilling over into him. Yet, even though he knew the empathy played a part, it dawned on him that it was more saddening to see Nikkolai so full of grief that was making him tremble now.

He wanted Nikkolai to let his emotions out, to freely allow his tears the release that they sought. This whole night had been a time for emotions to come free, so why was he still holding back? He felt arms returning his embrace, looking at Nikkolai's quivering lips as the teen fought back his natural feelings. "It's okay," came his ever-tender words, finally glad that Nikkolai was allowing himself to act honestly. Hot tears were soaking into his shoulder, but he didn't mind the discomfort in the least if it meant making Nikkolai feel better. He held him more tightly through every sob of sorrow that now wracked his thin body, hands finally resting upon his shaking shoulders.

But he hadn't been expecting Nikkolai's words at all. After all the events that had transpired, Nikkolai was apologizing to him? He couldn't even think of any words to give him in return, no way to tell Nikkolai not to worry about him and care more for himself. Stop being so selfless, he almost said, but then decided it wasn't the right phrase. All he could do was hold Nikkolai and nuzzle his head against the blonde's head of hair, his left hand reaching up to cup the back of his love's head gingerly. "Let it all out," he said quietly, eyes closing as his breathing became softer.

There was no resistance as Nikkolai pulled him closer, hands grasping almost desperately into his shirt as if they held on for dear life. Thinking it for the best, Seth moved his free hand over, under Nikkolai's chin as he gently tried to nudge the blonde's face away from his own shoulder. He knew the physical pain had long ago faded from Nikkolai's memory, it was the significance of the act that was breaking him down. With all the tenderness he could gather, Seth placed the back of his palm upon Nikkolai's cheek, while he tried to wipe away a few tears with the other. He didn't even realize that there were small, diamondlike beads forming in the corners of his own eyes from seeing Nikkolai like this, nor how his hands were shaking ever so slightly.

Before Seth even knew what was happening, he was leaning closer to Nikkolai's face, lips parted slightly as they came to rest against the blonde's. His eyes were half shut, his hands had again repositioned themselves to tenderly frame the sides of Nikkolai's face, and his breathing had slowed to a near standstill. He had no idea how long they'd stay like this, lips pressed together and simply holding each other to forget their sorrows, troubles, and doubts, but he was fine with however long it would be. "Whatever happens, I will always love you, Nikkolai. I can't promise that everything will somehow, by chance or by miracles or whatever, work out with your family, but I'm never going to leave you without a shoulder to cry on." It was all he was sure of in the world right now, the only words he could say that would be absolutely, without a hint of doubt or falsehood, truthful. These were the words his heart had been seeking so desperately, the ones he'd yearned to say in the hopes of giving Nikkolai the solace that he so desperately needed.

birdie · Jul 27, 2009

Every thought felt like it was jumbling, like it was just entering a piece of the broken puzzle that was currently his mind. The breakdown was inevitable, especially when he could almost physically feel himself coming undone. It was something there was no delaying, no stopping once it happened - and it scared him. For the first time in his life everything had gotten turned upside down beyond a point where he could fix or ignore it; this wasn't the sort of situation that only required a band aid and it would heal itself. For the first time, everything had just reached a complete, utter breaking point, and it almost felt like the snapping sound could be heard resounding around him. If he could have just known what made it so utterly awful to them, if he could have understood, then maybe there would have been a chance at repairing the relationship he had with the people who had brought him into the world - but he didn't. He didn't know what they thought was so wrong or nasty, other than the fact that "God was against it" and "men weren't supposed to be together." Why did God always have the final say? Why couldn't his parents just see what they did...? The people he depended upon the most had turned their backs on him, and for what? It wasn't like he had killed anyone, hurt someone, broken into a house, robbed a store - he was still the same Nikkolai he'd always been, nothing had changed. They'd only learned something he'd never told them.

Something inside him, though, told him they would have preferred that. They would have preferred anything over Oh yeah, by the way, I'm gay, and this is my boyfriend - at least they would have had the comfort that he was straight if he'd killed someone, if, of course, he'd ever actually been that way. Anything would have been okay, anything would have been a relief, anything any other kid would get in the worst trouble of their lives for would have slid by as long as he was penitent. And straight. Being straight definitely would have helped.

But he wasn't and he couldn't change that - he didn't want to change that - so why the hell did it matter so much? Just... why?

He'd never been the son they'd wanted or hoped for, though; he knew and he'd accepted it a long time ago; this was just something else he'd be forced to accept, because there was nothing more he could do. It wasn't just being gay. It was so much more than that. Every disappointed sigh because he'd been more fond of a piano than a baseball bat, all the eye rolling because he didn't prefer violent, 'manly' movies, all the times he'd absolutely let them down in the smallest of ways - was this just the last straw? Would it have happened anyway, even if he hadn't come out of the closet?

"It's okay."

His sobbing almost became harder. Seth was always so good to him, always so understanding and gentle, like he always knew what to say and how to act to make him happy. Nikkolai didn't know how to express how much it meant to him, to know that there were people who cared and to have someone like Seth in his life. "I lo-ove you s-so much," he gasped, ignoring the ache in his throat and how talking aggravated it. Admitting to that love was the only thing he could do that came close enough to showing gratitude for this, for just holding him and allowing him to cry on his shoulder, for just stopping the car and letting them stay like this, for knowing he needed this even though he didn't want to, for... for just being Seth. For just loving him. For everything. There were too many things Nikkolai had to thank him for, too many things he would never be able to express in words or even actions. "So much," he repeated, nuzzling his head against Seth's shoulder to the best of his ability, burying his face deeper into him in the process as he wept. If there was ever a time where he just wanted to hide, or pretend that there was nothing wrong with the world, this was it. He just wanted to hold Seth and be held by him until the stars fell into the sea, or until the pain began to fall away - whichever happened first he would take.

Feeling Seth's head rest against his own and his hand caressing the back of his head, a small part of his fractured heart felt like it was healing. At least he had Seth. No parents, no siblings, no extended family, no former friends, no home here - but at least he had Seth. That was something. That was more than something, it was enough. As long as he had him, as long as he could hold him and love him then he would be okay. He'd hadn't lost or given up everything; there was still one person in his life and that person was the most important of them all.

"I'm sorry," he started saying again through his cries, his voice never losing that strained quality to it. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." They just kept pouring out until he didn't even know what he was apologizing for anymore. All he knew was that he felt guilty for all of this, and somehow saying he was sorry alleviated the grief, even if at the same time it felt like it wasn't enough. Even if he wasn't responsible for all that had happened, it felt like he was - it felt like the weight of the world was on his shoulders for letting this happen. "I'm sorry, Seth, really, I'm so, so sorry..." Sorry for dragging him down here, sorry for putting him through the torture that was meeting his family, sorry for making him endure that, sorry for having his parents explode, sorry for making him have to step up, sorry for making him drive, sorry for crying into his shoulder, sorry for being a burden, sorry for being weak, sorry for everything that might happen from here on out because of this. "I'm sorry."

He just didn't know how else to put it.

As soon as Seth's hand touched the underside of his chin, Nikkolai wanted to just cling closer to him. He knew what Seth was aiming to do, or at least his body did, and he didn't want that. He didn't want that. Still, resisting anything Seth wanted was impossible for him, and he reluctantly moved his head away from Seth's shoulder, glassy blue eyes cast downward. Lines of tears shined down his blotched red cheeks, a few little droplets continuing to cascade down his round face. He sniffled, finding himself unable to even look Seth in the eye. This was embarrassing, and he was absolutely ashamed that he'd actually cried, especially in front of him. The shame balled up in his throat, making one last whimper before he tried to force himself to settle down. Boys don't cry, that voice came again in the forefront of his head; boys don't cry, so buck up, kid. Be strong, crying is weak.

It was wrong, he knew that it was, he knew crying wasn't weak - but he felt absolutely pathetic and small, sitting here in front of Seth when he was this much of a mess. Seth shouldn't have to be put through this; even if they were in love, he shouldn't have to suffer this with him, Nikkolai didn't want him to hurt as much as he did. "D-Don't look at me like this, come on," he said softly, voice reflecting how weak and pathetic he felt, sniffling again as more and more tears continued to roll down his face. There was no stopping them, even if the violent sobs had died out now that he had forced them to. Nikkolai was about to move his hands to cover his face and to wipe away the tears when Seth did it for him. At first, the feeling of a hand against his cheek caused him to flinch - the pain was gone and yet at the same time it still stung, and he knew it was going to end up leaving a bruise. Nikkolai's eyes averted, focusing for just a moment on something other than his lover before returning to look at him, trembling blue meeting that steady brown once again. "Y-You shouldn't... be upset too..." Nikkolai said, forcing himself to swallow afterward. He'd noticed the little beads in his lover's eyes and he didn't want to reduce him to tears as well.

Warm lips gently pressed against his own as each of Seth's hands gently held his face, and Nikkolai's eyes almost immediately closed, relishing in the relief and comfort it brought him. Another piece of his heart healed. His arms moved, maneuvering so that he could be close to his lover, one arm draped around his shoulders and the other bent somewhat so that Nikki could hold the back of his head.

"Whatever happens, I will always love you, Nikkolai. I can't promise that everything will somehow, by chance or by miracles or whatever, work out with your family, but I'm never going to leave you without a shoulder to cry on."

Those words meant so much to him. How was it that everything Seth did, everything he said, could affect him like this? Everything always meant so much to him, like each little word and action was a gift he didn't know how to respond to, a precious moment in time they couldn't get back. In a way, that was the reality - but there was so much more to it than that. Sniffling again, Nikkolai moved one of his arms away from Seth, rubbing at his eyes and nose with his shirt sleeve and trying to get rid of the sticky lines his tears had left on his face.

As long as he had Seth, it was enough... it was enough. Whether they were only together for a month after this, or only another year, or for however long they lasted, it was enough. Seth meant the world to him, and now that he was all Nikkolai had, he was the world. Silence fell after his lover spoke, as Nikki was uncertain just how to respond at first, and he gently pressed his lips against Seth's for another kiss. I love you so much, dammit...

When he pulled away, Nikkolai wrapped his arms around Seth's shoulders, fingers locking together at the nape of his neck. "Seth..." he started slowly, clearing his throat in an attempt to make it easier to speak. "Before... before you even came into the picture, I knew I was going to have to make a choice one of these days. It... it was part of the reason I used to be so scared..." His eyes fell again, but he quickly pushed himself to look back at the brunette. "I either kept everything a secret and kept my family, my friends, everything... or I was honest and in the process lost them all. It was a choice... and I know I made the right one choosing you..." A smile finally broke over his lips, a genuine look of happiness that wasn't forced in any way, shape, or form. "I'd choose you over and over again if I had to." He pulled Seth close, embracing him, and rested his head against his lover's. It was so much more than enough - it was all he needed.

"I'll be okay," he assured him now, that smile still lingering. "Can... can we go home now? And... do you think I could stay with you for a while?" Nikkolai hated to ask that, but he didn't want to be alone either. Now that he was out, what was the point of not spending as much time with him as he could? There was no reason they had to be confined to just weekends.

They could be together.

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THESE are your parents?

Seth

Well-Known Member

birdie

Well-Known Member

Seth

Well-Known Member

birdie

Well-Known Member