So It's a Date?

What was it about Seth that constantly made Nikkolai want to smile? Nikki couldn’t figure it out, not really; but just being with this guy made him light up. He hadn’t expected to be almost sought out like that, although he appreciated it fully and it made him feel good.

He perked up a little when Seth asked that and, grinning like he always did, responded with an enthusiastic “Yeah, sure!” Of course, Nikkolai didn’t suspect Seth’s possible ulterior motives at all. He tried to ignore the fact that Seth wanting to spend time with him made his stomach feel a little funny. In a good way.

“When did you want to go?” he asked. “I’m pretty much free for a while so we can do whatever you want, I don’t mind. Today’d be cool, too.”

He also tried to ignore the fact that he hoped it would be today.

Nikki’s eyebrows lifted when that grin spread across Seth’s face. Well at least he’d made him happy! That was good! And he kind of thought –

No no no, he didn’t think anything. Nope. Not a thing.

“Right now?” Nikkolai repeated, blinking. It wasn’t that he objected or had anything better planned for his afternoon, more so that he hadn’t expected Seth to want to do it so soon. A smile made the corner of his mouth twitch, but unlike every other time Nikki forced himself to subdue it. He didn’t want to look like he was too excited… or something.

“Yeah that’s fine!” he said finally. Nikki’s smile proved to be stronger than his will and curved his lips again. “Let’s go.” Nikkolai almost reached out to grab Seth’s wrist to pull him along, but decided against it.

-

By the time they got out of the theatre had become much later in the afternoon. The movie had been about two hours long, which was a decent amount of time. It wasn’t like Nikkolai minded much; in fact he was glad for the extra time spent with Seth and the comfortable afternoon they’d spent.

“Did you enjoy it?” he asked, looking up at Seth as they headed toward the exit.

Nikkolai looked at Seth in utter shock at the complaint. He knew that it was human to complain, but he hadn’t expected it out of Seth. He almost didn’t know what to say and struggled to form any words that would make sense against what he had said, that caught off guard by the statement.

It didn’t take too long for Seth’s expression to change and Nikkolai was relieved for this. He dissolved into laughter as well, his concern washing away easily. “Thank God,” he said. “You worried me for a second. I was about to say!”

His smile became less excited and more of a calm, warm one, especially with what Seth had said. Having nothing to respond with but the soaring feeling in his stomach and the slight quickening of his heart (and the slight shame he felt because of it), Nikkolai opted to just say nothing. It was better that way; it meant more that way.

Not entirely sure where Seth was leading him, Nikkolai merely followed, keeping a few steps behind. As they entered the secluded area, his jaw dropped somewhat and his eyes widened. Aww… it was pretty, not to mention quiet, even if it was just a park. “Oh wow,” he finally brought himself to say.

Finally mustering up the courage to do it, and also with a good degree of not even thinking, Nikki took hold of Seth’s wrist and walked with him to the bench, releasing him only once he had pulled them both down so that they were sitting. “Sorry,” he said with a laugh. “I figured we could stay for a while.”

Seth’s plan was going to work like a charm. With Nikkolai completely oblivious to what he was doing and not paying particular attention to his arms, he hadn’t even noticed when Seth’s arm managed to lie behind his shoulders. Well, maybe that was a bit off – he’d noticed somewhat, having felt the sudden openness it provided and the strongest urge to snuggle into Seth’s body.

Nikkolai swallowed hard, averting his gaze to try and act like that part of him didn’t exist.

It was at that moment he felt something come to rest at his cheek. Nikkolai shot his gaze back to Seth, his heart racing when he realized, some point before he even saw, what his friend was doing. Soft, warm lips were pressed against his cheek, saying nothing and everything at the same time. Seth had leaned closer to him as well, unintentionally overwhelming Nikkolai with his presence and the apparent more-than-friend affection he had for him.

And… and he liked it…

With his face beat red, Nikkolai whirled his head around and backed away a little on the bench. Perhaps the reaction had been a little too much, but his heart was racing and his breathing had almost come to a stand-still when Seth had done that and was only now just finding its way back to him. His lips curled into his mouth and he bit them, not sure what to say, what to do, how to even explain –

That was the problem. He couldn’t explain. How the hell could he explain how that had excited him and yet scared him at the same exact moment, in the same amounts, and how it made him want to run away and leap into Seth’s arms at the same time? He’d sound like a goddamn hypocrite and he didn’t want Seth to think ill of him. Not Seth, anyone but Seth.

The few moments that passed by with Nikkolai just staring at Seth in stunned silence seemed like hours until he finally decided what he had to do. Forcing out laughter that came off more nervous than he had wanted, he said with an inadvertently awkward grin, “What was that?”

No, that wasn’t right, demanding an answer wasn’t right! He had to do something to make it sound like his emotions weren’t reeling as seriously as they currently were! If he did that, though, wouldn’t he be playing with Seth? Dear God, he couldn’t win, he just couldn’t win and he was going to die of the embarrassment and the incredible amounts of confusion this had caused. “I-I-I… um, I…”

He couldn’t even make up a whole goddamn sentence. Dammit! “I… I-I don’t get it…”

Lies.

Seth was laughing too? Okay, maybe that was good. Maybe it had just been one of those… one of those Italian custom things! Seth had kissed his cheek before and it had meant nothing more than a casual greeting – in fact, he’d kissed his both his cheeks! So what made this one different?

… A lot of things. Too many things. Nikkolai swallowed and looked down, his thoughts rushing and swimming so fast within his mind that he felt hollow and dizzy. Seth wasn’t looking at him anymore and told him to forget it, causing his stomach to turn. Had he… had he said the wrong thing? Had he hurt Seth’s feelings by laughing, by trying to brush it off, by acting like he hadn’t understood when he had fully comprehended what had just transpired between them? Guilt washed over him. If he’d hurt Seth he wouldn’t ever forgive himself. It wasn’t like he had meant to! Nikkolai didn’t know what to do in those next few moments. There were so many options, so many routes he could take, all of which seemed equally pleasing – but none would bring the results he wanted.

He couldn’t be with Seth and stay in his family’s good graces, either. He couldn’t be with Seth and expect the world to understand. He couldn’t be with Seth and pretend that when people stared or scoffed it wouldn’t bother him. He couldn’t be with Seth and think that his parents would ever even possibly allow that sin.

Nikki felt like he was suffocating. He’d felt like he was suffocating ever since he’d entered his teenage years, but he’d learned how to suppress that drowning, aching, burning feeling to the point where it was just instinct. His secrets that kept him ‘normal’ in the eyes of the rest of the world had been buried so deeply under the surface for so long that Nikkolai didn’t even think about them unless things like this happened. Granted, this was the first time it had happened – but it was enough to bring everything right back to the forefront, demanding to be recognized, demanding to be screamed at the top of his lungs until his throat went raw and there was no one left to even hear him.

His gaze shot to Seth when he exclaimed those words. Nikkolai had figured that already, he hadn’t needed Seth to tell him. His heart stood still for a moment as those beautiful words caressed him. Someone liked him, someone really did want him, someone did accept him –

And when he wanted to return it with everything in his power he couldn’t. He just couldn’t! It would be wrong!

But it was equally wrong to keep lying to himself.

Nikkolai felt nauseous. This was going to torment him until the end of his days.

“I-I think I should go,” he said, his voice shaking. Nikkolai reached out his hand, wanting to touch Seth’s shoulder to show him that he held no resentment toward him, wanting to tell him why he just couldn’t do this now… but he was too weak. He couldn’t even tell one of his best friends why it just wasn’t going to happen. Nikkolai drew his hand back, his heart aching at the mere action. “S-Sorry, it just… I mean…” He sighed. “I had fun today, I’ll see you around.”

If only your timing had been a little different, Seth… if only I wasn’t this pathetic being who was afraid of retribution… surely you have to know I wouldn’t hesitate… oh God, Seth, please don’t hate me, please…

Nikkolai turned his back and darted back toward the school, not even wanting to look back to see Seth’s face. He wouldn't be able to bear it.