"More practice than drinking blood, but not as cool," Shay said, disheartened. At heart, she was still a child. Vampires were cool. That's what books told her. Scary was cool. Drinking tea was not scary.
The corner of Shay's twitched downward briefly when he leaned in. She'd have leaned back, but she felt threatened, and Shay didn't like running away. He was too close to her face. To her skin. Just too close. Her chest constricted painfully. She was all too aware of her body. How slow it might be to react. How heavy she was.
Her scowl returned when he snorted at her name. "Don't call me little girl. Are you making fun of my name? How does Shay fit me any better than Eroshay? What's in a name, anyway? It's just a word. It doesn't hold power."
But Shay knew that was a lie. Names held power. Social, personal, and magic power all in one.
"I don't give a flying fuck if it's cool or not." What even was that supposed to mean? It had been cool to smoke, that Monochrome knew, even though it was cool to get lung cancer. "Cool things are for immature children like you." Maybe it was the way that they had start this conversation; maybe it was just the way that he wanted to act today. If it kept him alive, he would do it. Recently, he was forgetting his reasoning as to why he wanted to stay alive.
"It holds everything." It was a bold statement, but one that he needed to make. "If I come up to someone and they say their name is shithead, well then I'll assume they are just that." He nodded as he explained even more. "A name gives people a reason to bully, to give someone nicknames, another reason fro people to feel isolated in their own skin. A name is a curse."
"It holds everything." It was a bold statement, but one that he needed to make. "If I come up to someone and they say their name is shithead, well then I'll assume they are just that." He nodded as he explained even more. "A name gives people a reason to bully, to give someone nicknames, another reason fro people to feel isolated in their own skin. A name is a curse."
Frustration welled in Shay's breast. She flinched when he cursed so harshly and reeled back from him, as though she thought he might strike her.
"A name isn't a curse," she spat, defensive. "We are what we make ourselves. Maybe I am an immature child. I'm a kid, yeah. At least I'm not a self-hating prick who gets his jollies off on picking on children because it makes him feel big. What, you feel small in the world? Do something about it. We don't get our place in the world. We make it. We carve it out of blood and sweat. Dig our nails in until we bleed and you don't let go. You can't."
Her eyes narrowed. She watched him as though he were attacking her. An animal in the corner, ready to fight or run at a moments notice. A scared little girl playing in her daddy's shoes.
Her words hurt, like small needles going into his thoughts and ideas. He had made too points, yes, but it seemed as if Eroshay was determined to make better ones. She was mocking in, yes, that was obvious. "Your age doesn't defy you. You could be twelve and act like an adult, if you set your mind to it like I did." He leaned in close, wanting to slap the girl, or get her to leave. But no, her words were sharp and direct, which he admired.
"You can talk as big as you want missy, but I don't see you doing anything that would... Make you earn that name of yours." He didn't like her attitude, as she was obviously just trying to win against him. "That's why people like me change their name to something that suits them. Why bleed and sweat and tire yourself over something you hate? That's just being a stupid, ignorant person." He glared at her. "I can be as mean as I want to others, as long as I am okay with myself. That's what I've always done because no one cares about a cocky little boy."
"You can talk as big as you want missy, but I don't see you doing anything that would... Make you earn that name of yours." He didn't like her attitude, as she was obviously just trying to win against him. "That's why people like me change their name to something that suits them. Why bleed and sweat and tire yourself over something you hate? That's just being a stupid, ignorant person." He glared at her. "I can be as mean as I want to others, as long as I am okay with myself. That's what I've always done because no one cares about a cocky little boy."
Shay stared and thought about what he said. Why bleed and sweat and tire yourself over something you hate? Her look turned bleak, lacking the derision from earlier.
"Because anything else is running," she frowned. "Does changing your name change you? Does it change what you've done? How you see yourself? If I were Julie, would that be any different than Shay? And if it does change those things for you, do you have the answers you want in the first place?" Shay's voice softened, and she looked down at her hands, happy to be pulled back against the back of her chair when he'd leaned forward.
"Are you? Are you okay with yourself, Monochrome? If your name means so much to you, why Monochrome? Black and white and easy to understand. Maybe it's because that's a comfort to you. Something easily understood when everything else in life may be difficult. If age doesn't define us, why should a name?"
Shay looked up again, determination lining her scowl. Her hands clenched. "You can take the easy way all you want. Change yourself to fit whatever mold you like, but I will always be Shay. I will always fight for my place to remain, even if no one foresaw me being there. I will always claw, and dig, and hold tight, because anything else just means I've given up on myself."
"Your name only changes you as much as you let it, I believe. No matter if it's Julie, Shay, or maybe not even a name at all." Those words rang true for him, something that sparked some realization in him. "It changed my thoughts of myself. No more did I want to see myself as the boy that was tricked, abused, turned into some herb surviving monster. The name they screamed when they mutated me, the name the only person I've ever truly loved said before they died. It is something I hold dear." He paused to rethink his thoughts. "You may call it running away from the mistakes and hurt I have, but I'm protecting it. I'm protecting the honest, carefree innocent boy I once was."
He smiled, just ever so faintly when she asked why he chose his name. "I always thought it, so contradictory. That one word could mean two opposites. One word that shows the light and the dark, good and bad, peace and war." He put his hands together, having a less angry demeanor about him. "Can really everything in the world be one or the other? My answer is no. I named myself Monochrome because I am neither. I do not see the importance of such splitting lines in life."
He coughed lightly, as his throat was getting a bit tired from talking. "I didn't let my 112 year old age choose how I would act. Do I crawl around here with a cane in my hand, bickering at all the young people? Maybe the latter a bit, but you aren't obligated, or at least I feel that you shouldn't ever stop being who you are. If you like to dress up like a 5 year old girl when you are 80, then don't let that superficial number get in your way." He started to lean back in his seat, not wanting to invade the space of the girl he was starting to tolerate. "Once I became a vampire, a part of me died, as well as when I was tortured. But coming to the island, I haven't changed who I am, just evolved from what I was."
"I admire that, though that doesn't mean much from some cocky vampire, right?" He smirked at that. "I will claw my way up, not matter what age, gender, name I take on in the future; I will always survive." He released his hands, setting his right on the table. He tapped it. "That is the only thing that keeps me alive little missy. The thought that I am the only one that will ever fight for me. The only one that will keep on kicking after all people I know die." He stopped his tapping to focus on her. "I hope you ever stop that drive in you, Eroshay." He gave another, short half smile to her.
He smiled, just ever so faintly when she asked why he chose his name. "I always thought it, so contradictory. That one word could mean two opposites. One word that shows the light and the dark, good and bad, peace and war." He put his hands together, having a less angry demeanor about him. "Can really everything in the world be one or the other? My answer is no. I named myself Monochrome because I am neither. I do not see the importance of such splitting lines in life."
He coughed lightly, as his throat was getting a bit tired from talking. "I didn't let my 112 year old age choose how I would act. Do I crawl around here with a cane in my hand, bickering at all the young people? Maybe the latter a bit, but you aren't obligated, or at least I feel that you shouldn't ever stop being who you are. If you like to dress up like a 5 year old girl when you are 80, then don't let that superficial number get in your way." He started to lean back in his seat, not wanting to invade the space of the girl he was starting to tolerate. "Once I became a vampire, a part of me died, as well as when I was tortured. But coming to the island, I haven't changed who I am, just evolved from what I was."
"I admire that, though that doesn't mean much from some cocky vampire, right?" He smirked at that. "I will claw my way up, not matter what age, gender, name I take on in the future; I will always survive." He released his hands, setting his right on the table. He tapped it. "That is the only thing that keeps me alive little missy. The thought that I am the only one that will ever fight for me. The only one that will keep on kicking after all people I know die." He stopped his tapping to focus on her. "I hope you ever stop that drive in you, Eroshay." He gave another, short half smile to her.
Shay hadn't respected that response or to be smiled at, to earn any amount of respect for her opinions. When he smiled at her, she just stared, bewildered and soft. Soft in the eyes and soft in the heart. Shay saw death every night, but she always thought immortality would be worse (depending on who you asked).
His life sounded hard, and that hurt her. By nature, despite her demeanor, Shay had always wanted to help people. She didn't want to see them dragged down by the world or alone. To her, it wasn't always a matter of liking someone on a personal level. She'd have helped most of her enemies from this fate.
This time, when Monochrome called Shay little missy she didn't feel as antagonized by it. It felt like something an older brother or friend would say to lessen the blow of the things they were describing. People didn't usually like to say words like torture, or death around her, being as she was young, so she could appreciate his honesty. In such an open place, the vulnerability was all too noticeable.
"I hadn't thought about it that way," she admitted, smiling in return. Shay looked off to his counter. She had told him she gave as good as she got, and she did. She reached into her pocket and pulled out all the money on her (which wasn't a lot) and laid it on the table.
With a leveled, almost playful look, Shay said, "this doesn't mean you won. I'm just a good citizen." A beat of silence as she watched him, took him in, tried to understand.
"You shouldn't have to survive. You should be able to live. And just so you know, I'd fight for you, too." The earnesty brought about by her last sentence nearly broke Shay's voice.
It felt weird to see her smile at him. Even though he had done the same, hers felt more, real. Maybe it was because she still had a warm heart and body, that she was alive, compared to him. He wanted to push her for making him think such things, but at the same time, he wanted to smile back again to her. He felt a bit calmer around her, if that meant anything at all.
"It's hard to think like someone else, I'd say." He wanted to give her a logical answer, as if to calm her mind. He had respected her opinion, as it was just as valid as his was. Yes, he didn't agree 100% with her way of thinking, but she was a lot younger and still had a lot to learn.
His eyes widened as the small wad of cash was given to him. He was utterly confused for a second, almost too hesitant to take it. As he hesitated, the words that Eroshay told him, made him blush lightly. He grabbed the money from the table, putting it quickly into his pocket. "Y-You don't need to do shit for me though." He looked away afterwards. "I'm living just fine being alone." Monochrome frowned, as his statement was a false one. He wanted someone to be there for him, but he would never admit or believe such a thing.
"It's hard to think like someone else, I'd say." He wanted to give her a logical answer, as if to calm her mind. He had respected her opinion, as it was just as valid as his was. Yes, he didn't agree 100% with her way of thinking, but she was a lot younger and still had a lot to learn.
His eyes widened as the small wad of cash was given to him. He was utterly confused for a second, almost too hesitant to take it. As he hesitated, the words that Eroshay told him, made him blush lightly. He grabbed the money from the table, putting it quickly into his pocket. "Y-You don't need to do shit for me though." He looked away afterwards. "I'm living just fine being alone." Monochrome frowned, as his statement was a false one. He wanted someone to be there for him, but he would never admit or believe such a thing.