Private Finished Running out of days to get it right

Kaya couldn't dream.

Lochlann couldn't decide if that was better or if that was worse. Judging from what she said, what she described, it sounded like it was worse.

There was a disconnect between Kaya and Lochlann. She asked what came to mind for feeding and Lochlann had to admit he could never do what Kaya did. He didn't have her control. He didn't have her trust that loving someone was an okay thing to do. He didn't understand how Kaya didn't shut everyone else out.

He wanted to answer her but the start of his panic attack had still stolen his breath. He was processing what she'd said when her hands touched him.

Lochlann flinched but all she did was tilt his head up to her.

She was starving, too.

For the first time Lochlann thought that someone might understand him. He thought that maybe he could risk telling her about the cravings, about how bad they were, about how they slipped out of his fingers like he was trying to grasp onto water. He didn't have to be so alone.

Her hands on his face relaxed him a little bit.

Lochlann always felt better with someone touching him.

Lochlann didn't want to die, but if Kaya ever killed him...Lochlann thought that might be okay.

He swallowed.

He was still shaking. He closed his eyes and the words were soft and small.

Part of what Kaya had said actually got through his dumb, thick skull.

"I'm sorry," he said.

Kaya was a good friend.

Lochlann wished he could be better.

"You...you and Emily will be alright, right?" he asked.

He still didn't think he could ever see Emily again. But he could apologize, and maybe he could end things on better terms. Maybe he didn't have to hurt her to save her.

She gave him a small, gentle kiss.

It wasn't about lust or sex. It was just about comfort.

Lochlann tried not to flinch when she said he needed help, because any other time someone had said that, it meant the hospital. But Lochlann didn't think Kaya would take him to the hospital.

Something about Kaya's words through him off, and he looked up and arched an eyebrow. Kaya being there to give Emily pleasure....where they...?

"Are you two...?" he asked, and then he laughed, because he wasn't even jealous. It was very, very difficult for Lochlann to be jealous. If anything, the idea of Kaya and Emily together in that way actually reassured him. He didn't like the idea that Emily was that upset over him. Fuck, he really was a monster.

Kaya made everything seem so simple. could it really be that easy?

He swallowed.

The panic was starting to ebb away from him, leaving him as exhausted as if he'd run all around the island twice.

This was not how he expected this encounter to go.

"Do you think you could still hit me?" he asked her, and after a moment's consideration he took the glasses off so if she did hit him at least he wouldn't get glass in his eyes.

At least then something would feel normal.

Lochlann had given a laugh.

"I mean, I wouldn't mind if you did," he said, which was a poor excuse at a joke, but really a lot of Lochlann's problems would be solved if Kaya and Emily did hook up. There was still the problem of what he would do but gods did Lochlann hate trying to figure out what to do with himself.

Humans were weird with mates. It was weird for Lochlann to conceptualize himself as something non human, but Kaya had a point. He appreciated Kaya and found things about her beautiful that different dramatically from Emily. That didn't mean one was better or worse. They were different--and that was something that he valued. He was perfectly capable of thinking of how good the sex with Kaya had been and also how good he imagined sex with Emily to be.

Fuck. He shook his head suddenly, banishing the thought. No. Bad Lochlann.

She didn't hit him but arguably what Kaya did was worse.

Lochlann had no idea what the fuck she just did to his face, pinching his cheeks and shaking it from side to side. He was disgruntled when she was finished.

"I...i think I would have rather if you punched me," he told her.

But...he felt a little bit better.

"Please,' he told her. "You came all the way out to see me and give me advice. At least let me buy you lunch. I'm not too hungry myself."

It was the easiest way he could avoid eating around her.

When she told him to avoid drugs and alcohol, Lochlann just shrugged. He couldn't promise that.

"I mean I work in a bar," he pointed out. "But I haven't been drinking. Not really."

He probably should though.

"So what do you want me to buy you for lunch?" he asked her.

"Okay, mom," Lochlann teased, rolling his eyes.

It surprised him that it hurt to say that.

He tried to recover from his own self-doubt by saying, "And I will also not have premarital sex, listen to loud music, or stay up past midnight."

Lochlann's difficulties with lies thankfully did not apply to sarcasm.

He made the joke because he was feeling a little bit better. Now that there was no choice in the matter, that he'd made a decision...yeah. Things were going to suck. He had a lot more misery to look forward to. But if he made the right choices, Emily would be alive.

"Oh," he said.

And Lochlann swallowed.

It was a good thing Kaya was holding onto him because her question literally made him stumble. The panic started to creep back in but he pushed it down.

"I eat, uh, normal, people," he said. Fuck. He literally did eat people. "things. normal people things."

He was doing a great job at blending in. He was fairly certain his father would have killed him based on how fucking stupid that answer was alone.

"I'm not very hungry though. What do you enjoy? Do you eat anything you want or do you have favorites?" Lochlann's curiosity was genuine and helped to shift the conversation away from him, or so he helped.

Lochlann laughed when Kaya broke apart his rules, but he agreed not to call her mom again. Although...part of him was smug that, for once, he'd been the one to make Kaya uncomfortable. If he ever needed a safety word with her without a discussion first, that one might be it.

However, Kaya quickly volleyed the uncomfortable ball back in his direction with the reference to the human meat places. Lochlann flinched and shook his head quickly.

"No, uh, I appreciate it, but I don't eat that kind of stuff," he said. "Just..normal food. Like um...barbecue. I love barbecue. Burgers aren't bad, either."

He shuddered at the thought.

"Listen, I applied for a job at what I thought was a normal butchers," Lochlann explained. "Do you know how embarrassing it is to just...pass out? RIght in the middle of a job interview"

Lochlann shook his head.

He would stick with bar tending.

He looked at her very seriously all of a sudden.

"kaya, I can tell you one thing I like to eat," he teased, and then....he winked.

She'd made him feel a little bit better.

Better enough to make a lame joke and a pick up line all at once.