[Of Angels and Demons Bar] Samael's pain

Clockwise Dream · May 4, 2014

I was going to explain that next. Samael said, sighing, as he leaned against the door, having finally convinced his mother to go away once he had promised that yes, he would come to lunch, but later Turning off the light once more, he approached the bed, sitting this time on the very edge, because he was pretty sure that if Draven didn't get angry before, he would now. People usually tended to when they found out somebody else could feel the pain that they were trying to hide, and he was hiding it really deep considering how many times he had asked if he had said anything, shared anything while he was drunk.

Sighing again, Samael thought about how to explain what happened. Finally, he said: I don't think you have noticed so far, but I am actually blind. stretching his nose lightly, he wondered if this was too detailed of an explanation. Well, perhaps. But he didn't know how else it would make sense. However, I also have a power that allows me to see the world around me in another way. It's like...sensing where everything is, but stronger. Usually, it looks like a bunch of lines moving together against a dark background. he coughed, realising he was getting too deep into unimportant things. Anyway, a part of this power that is unfortunate is that I have a tendency to connect to people through it. You probably don't remember this, but you bumped into me earlier this week and you were pretty upset. So upset, I think, that in that once second my power formed a Connection...and, well... Samael shifted a bit, leaning forward, his hands between his knees. He still remembered the gut-wrenching pain he had felt that day.

That's why you wanted to get drunk, isn't it? he whispered. That much pain... I don't even know what happened and it almost killed me when I felt it.

VoodooChild94 · May 4, 2014

Draven stayed silent as he watched the interaction between Samael and his mother before she eventually left. He had almost forgotten what family was like, how they interacted. It wasn't the most loving scene but in a way, it was still nice to see. However, that small smile it brought was momentary and disappeared when Sameal came back to sit on the bed. Draven's eyes shifted to their natural blue as he watched the other intently, his skepticism about this 'connection' coming back as he awaited an explanation.

As he had assumed, Draven hadn't noticed he was blind but the fact did come as something of a surprise to him. However, he didn't have a chance to comment on it when his explanation moved further and he began to understand why the other was explaining his blindness to him. When he mentioned having bumping into him earlier, that came as a surprise to him as well seeing as he wasn't exactly in his right mind that day.

Though, he stiffened a bit when pain was brought up; his pain. That's when it all started falling into place and when he had said he felt it, it had confirmed his suspicions. Empathy; the one power he dreaded running into most, the one thing that could see past any barrier someone builds up around themselves. There was no hiding now. He didn't know whither to laugh or cry at that and he kind of wanted to do both.

He didn't say anything for a long moment. He didn't know what to say or how to feel about this and instead turned his gaze down onto the bed sheets in thought. He should have been angry, enraged even but he was tired. Tired of hiding, of pretending, of the hateful looks and remarks he received because he was too damn stubborn to let anyone near that barrier of his. Now there was no barrier and now he didn't have to hide, didn't have to pretend. Was that a good thing or a bad thing? He decided it was a mixture of both. Deep down he knew that this was what he had been waiting for; for someone to see past it all, for someone to listen to that silent plea for help, for that's all his 'little charade' was. He had been longing for someone to understand his pain and this guy, apparently had literally felt it. Then again, just the idea of someone knowing about his past scared the shit out of him.

He gave a heavy sigh, running a hand through his hair before finally speaking up and answering Samael. "Aint that what everyone does; drink their own persona hell away?" He didn't lift his head to look at him and his voice was steady, low and raspy as usual but without a trace of that false arrogance and without that snarky edge. "Yer just unfortunate 'nough to get a taste of mine and for that....I'm sorry." He apologized, a bit surprised at himself when he did. By what he said, it sounded like he had put him through hell and back without knowing it and that made him uneasy. That inner turmoil of his wasn't something he was willing to share verbally and it wasn't something he was about to start doing either but this, this was a whole different story and he didn't like the idea of anyone else dealing with his burden. Especially when they reminded him so much of Rafi.

Clockwise Dream · May 5, 2014

Samael listened to the Draven's words in silence, and not knowing what to say at the end of them, he left the feeling stretch a bit more, before whispering a soft Thank you. His shoulders suddenly fell down, all the tension he was feeling slowly melting away from them, as he leaned back into the wall. He could feel Draven was confused, a mixture of fear and uncertainty rising within him, and he felt bad that he could see that, for it felt like cheating. However, there was also something else in there, something small, and fragile, and suddenly Samael realised that this time, he had truly opened a Pandora's box with his power.

I have never those words before, you know. he whispered, still leaning against the wall, but but closer to Draven now than he was before. Most people...They fall in blind rage the minute they learn that somebody else might have felt the same as they did. And I can never understand why, even though I still feel everything they feel at that exact moment. Still playing softly with his tied hair, Samael tried to keep an eye on Draven's feelings as he talked.

Some felt jealous of their pain. he said, his nail biting deep in his own hand. Those were the ones he really couldn't understand. They were livid that somebody else had dared to enter their, as you have said, 'persona hell'. They wanted their pain to be their own and nobody elses. To forbid everyone from experiencing it ever again, just so it could stay theirs forever. Luckily, they were also mostly drunk as well, so they would pass out before they could hurt me. But you're not like that, even though you drank. He was sure of that. There was too much self loathing in there for Draven to be able to feel anything like that.

And then, there are some who feel vulnerable, believing that now that I knew their Achilles heel I would shoot right there hurting them even more. They never give me the chance of explaining them that I would never do something like that, immediately running away. Those days were probably the worst. He could never keep track of their pain, and thus it attacked him suddenly and without warning. Also, the person often intentionally hurt themselves, knowing he could feel it. It hadn't happen for some time now, but the memory still made him shudder.

So even though I've been angry that I had to suffer through someone elses pain, you don't have to worry about me pulling any punches on you any time soon. he said, hoping that that would sooth the fear Draven was feeling. He didn't expect it to go away immediately, but at least the man now knew that he wouldn't intentionally hurt him. Which was, if one thought about it, only logical, because, if nothing else, it would only bring the pain back to himself.

I won't even talk about it any more if you don't want to. he said, half hoping that Draven would agree that yeah, they didn't need to talk about this any more, half knowing that that would be the wrong thing to do. He felt the panic rising inside him, making him bite his lip. He couldn't do this! There was a reason he never tried before! He wasn't a therapist, or a psychologist, he knew nothing of how a human mind worked! He wasn't qualified for these sort of things, so how come they have somehow fallen straight at him?!

But... he said, shaking, as he swallowed a lump rapidly forming in his throat. I will be here if you do... he whispered, his voice barely audible. There was so much more that he had wanted to say, but somehow, he couldn't find the strenght. He just prayed that his words so far were enough to feed that small light of hope Draven was somehow still holding to.

VoodooChild94 · May 5, 2014

Draven kept his eyes on Samael as he spoke and the more he did, the more guilty Draven felt, And the more uneasy Sameal became, the more Draven wanted to reach out to him.

"It aint an easy thing, ya know?" Draven spoke up after a moment. "Havin' someone see past it all when ya've been hidin' it so long.." He paused, adverting his eyes from the other and instead, fixing them on the far wall.

"And when yer hidin', there's a reason to and it may not be the best reason but ya chose it for one or another and when someone can just...well swing the doors wide open..." He trailed off for a moment. "It aint the most comfortin' idea." He shrugged, seemingly calm on the outside but his mind was a cacophony of convoluted thoughts and feelings.

"I aint too thrilled 'bout it either...but I also know that no one would willin'ly take a walk 'round my head." He paused to scratch at the back of his neck. "So ya aint doin' it purposefully....least I dun think..." He trailed off once more.

"It's..." He paused, shifting uncomfortably in his spot and trying to form the right words. "In a way it aint...so bad, I guess. I mean, I aint told...well, no one knows..." And that's when it really started to hit him. Someone knows...holy shit, someone knows! What was he supposed to do with that?! Some part of him wanted this to happen and was ok with breaking down in front of a stranger. For that's what he was; broken. But another part was too stubborn and ashamed of his past, keeping him locked behind what bit of a barrier he could build up between himself and this guy with the knowledge he could feel his emotions. He took a deep breath, exhaling it slowly and running a hand through his air as he did.

"I just...thanks..." He ended with, having a hard time expressing his gratitude for Samael's offer as well as having fought himself to both not freak out or to stand up and just take off. Though he stayed put because there was another side butting into his mixed emotions and that was this strange urge to protect the other much like he had promised Rafi he would. Some of the emotions he felt for Rafi came bubbling to the surface and was probably one of the only reasons he was still there. He wanted to protect Samael from himself and the emotions he was putting on him but he also wanted the comfort of another, he wanted someone he could trust and he wanted to be rid of this damn 'personal hell' of his! He was just at a severe loss of how to go about it; how to ask for help and how to get that comfort as well as how he could keep from forcing his inner turmoil on Samael. What should he do?

Clockwise Dream · May 5, 2014

Believe me, I know. he said, giving a dry chuckle that had no merriment in it whatsoever. I know everything that they felt. he bites his lip, frowning. I know everything that you feel. he whispered in a heavy, tired voice. And I know that is scary. Literally. I know. I can feel it. And I understand... But people usually don't realise that. he sighed, raising his hand to his lips and checking if he had bitten them to blood once again.

That's why I try not to do it often. he continues, having found nothing on his face. Well, that and the fact that I suffer from random flashes of phantom pains for thirty days afterwards. I'm can't work for shit for at least a week, the connection being too strong and all. I I think I broke at least twenty bottles because of it just in the last year... he sighed,wondering if this could be his chance as well. He talked to his father about it sometimes, but never to the people he connected with, considering that nobody was ever interested in anything but severing the connection as fast as they could. Until Draven.

And I know that's nothing compared to whatever you have gone through, but sometimes I can't help but feel angry, wishing it would just stop. he continued speaking, bringing his knees to his chest and leaning against them, trying to smile as he realised that he wanted to talk. And maybe, for now, he should talk. They needed the words if this (whatever this was) was going to work, and Draven clearly wasn't up to it yet. Tilting his head, Samael held his breath for a second, focusing completely on the sound beating of Draven's emotions within him. They were loud, yes, and confused, in completely disharmony with each other, but there was some hope there, something that made him want to stay. A wish of some sorts. A yearning. And it felt so sad.

Shaking his head, he focused on the person there beside him instead. He had just said that he understood that Draven didn't want his emotions prived into, and here he was, not ten minutes after, looking so deep into them that it wasn't even funny. He had to control himself.

It doesn't though. Stop, I mean. he continued to speak, hoping now that it would distract them both. Because, sometimes, people are just so upset that the connection will form on lightest touch. Touching their hand over the bar while giving them drinks is enough. Or, well, eh... he shifted awkwardly. Bumping into them seems to work too. he said, his left side throbbing a bit from his own phantom pain. He had some pretty nasty bruises left from that fall.

And it is all just so complicated, you see? My own feelings for starters, let alone anyone else's. That's why I think I am not cut out for this. I... I don't really know how to help. But...I want to. With you, I really want to. To help you, that is. he blushed a bit, despite the heaviness in his chest, remembering suddenly his mother's comments about 'indecent things'. God, he will never live down her catching him making out with that one guy, will he?

VoodooChild94 · May 5, 2014

All the while Samael spoke, Draven found himself all the more inclined to reach out to him. He had half a mind to stop himself from literally doing so and for grabbing one of his hands or something akin to that in order to comfort him. Not being very good with words, Draven had always been more of the type for lending physical comfort since it seemed either the words never came out right or he couldn't rightly express himself through them. Fuck, he reminded him so much of Rafi and it was hard to resist the urge to be there for him like he had for Rafi and Rafi had for him.

He bite the inside of his cheek, almost relieved that Samael continued speaking. It made it easier to confine the panic he was beginning to feel earlier, focusing on his words instead of the mess stirring in his own mind. It felt almost nice in a way, to have another confide in him as Samael was. Having done nothing but drive others away for the past few years, he hasn't had this type of opportunity in so long that he had nearly forgotten what it was like. He wasn't sure why Samael felt the need to say all this to him but the fact that he was, put Draven at a bit more ease and he wound up moving just a bit closer to him.

They had just met last night and hadn't spent too much time together but Draven already felt something between them. He wasn't sure what...maybe it had to do with this whole connection deal but whatever it was, he didn't mind it. In fact, he was beginning to realize he was rather ok with all of this. Despite how much he wanted to convince himself that this was wrong, that he didn't deserve the comfort of another but only the pain that came with the memories that haunted his mind, it was difficult to believe it with Samael talking to him as he was. It was near impossible even; having someone so easily be able to trust him and open up to him was beginning to make him think that maybe it was ok...that all of this was ok. He made a decision then; to let this happen and not to fight it. He wasn't even sure if he had the strength of mind left to fight it in the first place.

Though he was clearly made aware of it, it was easy to forget the other could feel what he was feeling and it had nearly escaped his mind as he sat there, simply listening to Samael talk. As he did so, he watched him closely, finding the way he moved as he spoke cute somehow and finding it hard not to smile a bit at it either. And that smile only widened slightly when Samael said he wanted to help. That wasn't something he had heard in a long time and after listening to him talk and now knowing the strain he was putting on him through this connection, he wanted to help him as well.

By the time Samael finished talking however, Draven found himself at a loss for words though he felt the need to say something in response. He wasn't sure what could he say to that though and when he opened his mouth to speak next, the words that followed came as something of a surprise to him.

"Ya remind me a lot of him, ya know." He finally voiced what had been on his mind this entire time. Though in his surprise he found himself pausing for a long moment afterward and fishing for the right words to follow up with. "My ex, I mean." He paused again, shifting a bit but not moving any further from Samael. "He's the reason I've been so upset the past few days." He admitted. It felt weird to say...not bad necessarily but just weird. Though there was a definite underlying sadness to the confession, his voice was steady and he found it wasn't as difficult as he had always imagined it would probably be.

"And I'm sorry about that, for...makin' ya grieve for him too." He said in his own way of both giving a better idea of why Samael was put through so much pain that night, as well as apologizing for it. "But I'm not sorry for bumpin' into ya." He paused. "...'Cause...well, I think I'd like to help ya too." Though there was a bit more to that statement; the yearning for help as well, for understanding and closeness to another person.

Clockwise Dream · May 5, 2014

Don't. the words escaped from Samael's mouth before he even had time to process everything that had been said. Don't be sorry. he whispered, shaking his head slightly. I'll admit that I was angry he continued in the same, whispering under his breath. But now... I just can't.

And suddenly, everything that he had felt suddenly made sense. The pain he had felt that day, a feeling so deep that it made it seem like his world was ending, and the days of confusion that came after it. The sudden flashes of guilt and self loathing. He could not imagine how that had felt even though he had felt it. He had lived through the pain along with Draven, battled it for days as he tried to work the counter as he always did, but that feeling...That feeling of knowing that somebody you loved was gone, that they are dead (for there was no doubt about it in his mind that Draven's lover was indeed that) and that you will never see them again... He had lived through that, literally lived through that with Draven, his emotions a distant echo within himself, and yet... Somehow, he could still not imagine it, for he couldn't picture a world in which his mother, or father, or sister were gone. He knew it had to happen sometimes, rare were the people who were immortal, even on this island, but a dark image like that... He felt himself shiver. He could not imagine that.

And that was why he fought his father so hard on letting him help at the bar, and went shopping instead of his mother when ever he could spare time, staying up late and waking up early on both working and nonworking days. He was afraid for their health, because he was afraid of their death. And Draven has already lived through that.

And he had too in a way. He had lived through his pain. He could understand. He could not imagine how his own pain will feel one day. He did not want to imagine that. But Draven's pain he could understand. He was there.

I'm sorry. he whispered, still unable to find any other form of voice. I'm so sorry. For you, for him... I'm sorry. So don't tell me you are. Don't tell me... You have nothing to feel sorry about. Nothing. Not one thing... he decided, firmly, finally getting his bearing back. Remember that. he added, knowing that somewhere deep down, beneath the easiness that he now felt (and how glad he was for that easiness) Draven had hated himself. For what, he did not know, but he did, up to the point of exploding. He remembered that, and stored it away to some safe place, without addressing it directly, for it was not a topic one should ever address like that.

He tried to make his mind work in straight line again instead of being overwhelmed by emotions. He knew that was for the best, for once he was there, he would still remember the pain, but he would not feel it directly, and will thus be able to actually help, unlike he was now.

So he took yet another deep breath (those were somehow becoming a habit right now) and breathed out just as slowly before he focused again.

I'm not really sure what to say. he spoke up finally again, his voice even and strong now where it had been broken and wavering before. But thank you. on instinct, he reached out and grabbed Draven's hand, squeezing it. Though, we should work on getting you better now. he smiled, turning his head towards the man. I will...be...fine... His words trailed off into the air around them.

Suddenly, he let go of Draven's hand just as quickly as he had grabbed it as if he was burned. The world went back to normal around him.

Like I was saying. he continued, standing up. I shall be fine as long as you're fine. And I do mean that literary. smiling shakily, still disturbed by what he thought the had seen when grabbing the other man's hand, he continued to speak. So, in the line of getting you better, how do you feel about eating now? Because my mother isn't going to leave us alone until we have eaten...

And exactly as he spoke, his mother's voice could be heard from upstairs, calling for them again.

Come on. I'll help you if you feel unwell.

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[Of Angels and Demons Bar] Samael's pain

Clockwise Dream

Well-Known Member

VoodooChild94

Well-Known Member

Clockwise Dream

Well-Known Member

VoodooChild94

Well-Known Member

Clockwise Dream

Well-Known Member

VoodooChild94

Well-Known Member

Clockwise Dream

Well-Known Member