Private Finished nothing to lose

Everything was crashing down pretty quick for him.

Invidia prided himself for his apathy nowadays since his mother abandoned him. No; since his mother turned him away and shut him off from the rest of the world. He prided himself that he could deal with anything that the world could throw at him. Invidia had been sure he couldn't be pushed down any longer.

He'd loved to say the Rosales changed all that. Since meeting them, he'd been thinking more about how he could have had a better family; he could have had so much more if he had the right people. And just as he thought he could finally get his dream family; it was all gone in a flash.

My fault.

It was fine, he told himself; they coulld pick up all the pieces, just them as the Rosales' family but even that hope of his were snatched away when Shay called them a few days earlier. Announcing someone wanted to take them in. He was one of the first to leave the room after they'd been dismissed.

It took him months to make a decision on joining the Rosales but this time, he didn't really have much time for him. The decision had already been set for him though but he bid his time, letting the idea sink in and weighing his options one more time. In the end, he didn't give himself much options to chose from and that was fine with him.

Vidi stood at Shay's door. It was closed, locked even but he was sure Shay was there. He gave it a light knock as he called out for her, "Shay? Are you free to talk?"

Vidi could easily see it when someone cried; he'd spent a lot of time finding himself in front of the mirror trying to hide a face that was only just crying that he knew where exactly to look. He also knew what it looked like when someone was trying to hide that fact that they had just been crying merely minutes ago. He only hummed at Shay when she let him into her room but he didn't point out how red her face was.

He followed her into her room, eyes just gazing around out of habit. It had always been too bright for his taste but he wouldn't hold it against her. Vidi didn't speak until they were both seated waiting for Shay to speak first. When she did though, she had asked him a question. One that he didn't immediately reply but he settled with only smiling at her for a moment.

"If you're expecting me to be mad, clearly you're forgetting who you're talking to," he said, a slight chuckle in his voice. He wasn't about to let her read into his mood just up until earlier. His smile didn't last long, and fell into a thoughtful silence before speaking again. "I'm not mad. A bit upset, but not mad," he corrected.

He wouldn't lie -- he couldn't bring himself to be mad. After all, she didn't know this could happen. Klaus and Vito leaving was all out of her control; and the younger Rosales kids certainly deserved better than being left behind. He... didn't deserve that much anymore, he decided. He was alive and free; he didn't need to be too greedy, right?

He considered just telling her upfront that she wasn't going with her. Or anyone else that had planned to join Angelo. Save them the trouble of having to go through another discussion he didn't want to dig up anymore. If he would be the only one to stay, he'd be alright with that. Someone in the family at least had to stay. But seeing Shay like this... it didn't seem like it would be proper to just do things that way.

"Has anyone else spoken you about it?" he asked instead. "Their thoughts on the matter I mean."

Vidi kept silent when Shay replied; but it was the silence of someone listening. It stayed that way only for a few seconds until Shay looked up at him. At that moment, he already felt like he knew she was about to ask him of his take on the matter. He had to tear his gaze away from her eyes, already decided on the matter. Whatever glow that was left on his face was gone in a flash, replaced by a solemn look. It was such a sure look that it might have felt foreign to those who haven't seen Vidi in any predicament. It might have been familiar to Shay though -- she was observant, and Vidi knew it.

"About that..." he began, trying to piece together his thoughts into words. "I know. I know you didn't want any of this in the first place. But neither you or I had any control over what happened-- no one did." My fault. A shaky sigh passed his lips, still refusing to meet back with Shay's gaze. "And I can't disagree with Angelo either. In fact, we shouldn't even be expected to run this gang. We're not here for the gang in the first place!"

He fell quiet for just a moment, trying to level the emotion in his voice. It wouldn't do him any good to lash out. When Vidi raised his gaze to meet with Shay, it seemed to look past her. "I'm not leaving any of you, okay? He paused but there was a sure 'but' that would follow in the way he spoke.

"But I'm not coming with you," he said. The lack of feeling made it seem like he wasn't the one that spoke the words. "I won't argue if everyone goes but... I'm staying behind." I don't want to bring my bad luck to all of you. "It's not as if he won't let us see each other, right? I can visit and everything anyway. I'll stay here, but I promise I'll come visit.

"Is that okay?"

Vidi couldn't ignore the tone Shay used back on him -- but it was better than anything. It was better than having to see her clearly disappointed. It was better than seeing her angry. Vidi couldn't have been able to say anything if Shay had raised her voice. He didn't want to know the results if either of them come to that point.

"I wouldn't say it's the right choice, but I want to say I believe it would be for the best," he said, finally finding it in him to raise his head. He'd reasoned with himself, debated long enough and decided nothing could really change his choice. If it meant Shay resenting him, then... that would be fine.

Now came a second question: where would he go? He'd thought of staying. Other than finding his way back to the dorms, he really had nowhere else to be. He had no one else waiting other than the Rosales. But that meant potentially bringing his bad luck along and he didn't want to damage what could be everyone else's second chance at having to live under better circumstances.

"I'm staying here." It was no longer up for discussion. "If it comes down to the point that I have to help with the gang, I have nothing against it." Maybe it could do him some good in the end. "Until then I'll keep my hands off as much as I can."

He wanted to say more but he kept quiet and allowed Shay to continue instead. He had unspoken thoughts. How he decided to be part of the family when Vito spoke to him, all because he wanted to have a shot of being able to feel like he belonged somewhere. He wanted what the family was promising him and his greed brought this. That was how he pictured it in his mind. How else would it explain that at the event of him joining the family, both Klaus and Vito had to be ripped away from the family?

Vidi smiled at Shay as she finished speaking and for at least that moment, his expression finally looked genuine. "Thank you, Shay," was all he could say in that silence. He didn't want to say anything that was on his mind at that time: he was feeling the dread just by the idea of repeating everything. He wanted to say he would keep it in mind but he couldn't find it in him to say it, knowing he wouldn't ever go back to open that door when time comes.

He sighed, fidgeting with his fingers thoughtfully. "I suppose... I should go and leave you to your thoughts now. Unless you want the company?"

Vidi didn't want to tell Shay the "real reason", if he wanted to call it that. He wanted to save them from having to put up with whatever bad luck he could bring them a second time: that was one. He knew Shay wouldn't take it how he wanted. Heck, Vidi really didn't even want to give her a reason. He wasn't joining them: that was the only thing he wanted Shay to know. He wanted to keep any reasons he had for himself.

He already accepted that he wasn't going to ever get back the lost years he spent with his mother; he only dared to hope for a loving family when Vito and Klaus came to his life. With them gone, the little spark he had left in him was good and gone He didn't have to stay. but neither did he have a reason to go with the younger Rosales. Freedom from gang life meant nothing to him, honestly -- what difference should it make if he went along with them or not? In Vidi's mind, anything was better than what he had and that was that.

Lavender eyes met dark brown, but his gaze wouldn't give away anything in his mind. "For me, there isn't any." I'm not losing anything either way, he wanted to add but he kept it to himself. He stood up from his seat, already taking her silence for his offer as a response. Other than his answer, Shay wasn't waiting for anything else. Under his breath he continued: "But I really don't think it's unnecessary either."