Shay found Angelo while he hung around the manor to speak with some of the other kids. She waited until he was relatively free. Gave him a few days to settle in and herself a few to think everything over.
When Shay did approach Angelo, she stopped a good distance away from him and leaned her shoulder against a nearby wall, arms crossed under her bust as she scrutinized him.
"So," she began slowly, choosing what she said carefully. There was a look on her face that far from gratitude, almost angry. "How long before you book it, too, you think? At most, I give it a year. At the longest, it only ever takes them a year. Shortest for me was a week."
Shay pushed herself off the wall and stepped closer, smiling thinly.
"I think that time it was because of all the nightmares. Also, I couldn't hug people so much back then. They didn't like that. Wanted a cute kid with no problems."
She sighed.
"That's what you all want. So, how long? You can't just pick up and not be around whenever you don't want to deal with us now."
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Angelo was exhausted, but that didn't mean he wasn't available. Even though he had a lot to do, he'd still gone out of his way to make sure that if any of the kids wanted him, he was there.
That included Shay.
Shay was the reason it was all happening, after all.
Angelo was neck deep in paperwork when Shay decided to antagonize him. There was really no other way to put it. She was coming out to stir trouble, lashing out at the only person she could.
"Well, I'm twenty seven, so... seventy odd years? Give or take. Who knows if I'll even die, since I'm not fully human," Angelo said, well aware of the fact that it wasn't what Shay was asking. He let himself finish the page before setting it down, tucking the paperwork into a neat little pile and turning his attention to Shay properly as he did.
"I didn't want kids, in case you weren't aware. I figured it'd be better if I never had them. I'm taking you guys not because I want kids, but because I want to give people who were in my position a chance at a better life. I'm going into this knowing all the trouble that comes with it. Knowing there will be nightmares. Knowing that some will cling and some will push away. Knowing that some won't sleep at all. Know that many will feel guilty. Trust me, I am well aware."
Learning what to expect from abandoned children was pretty much mandatory on Manta Carlos, land of a thousand orphans.
"I'm not going to run off, Shay."
That included Shay.
Shay was the reason it was all happening, after all.
Angelo was neck deep in paperwork when Shay decided to antagonize him. There was really no other way to put it. She was coming out to stir trouble, lashing out at the only person she could.
"Well, I'm twenty seven, so... seventy odd years? Give or take. Who knows if I'll even die, since I'm not fully human," Angelo said, well aware of the fact that it wasn't what Shay was asking. He let himself finish the page before setting it down, tucking the paperwork into a neat little pile and turning his attention to Shay properly as he did.
"I didn't want kids, in case you weren't aware. I figured it'd be better if I never had them. I'm taking you guys not because I want kids, but because I want to give people who were in my position a chance at a better life. I'm going into this knowing all the trouble that comes with it. Knowing there will be nightmares. Knowing that some will cling and some will push away. Knowing that some won't sleep at all. Know that many will feel guilty. Trust me, I am well aware."
Learning what to expect from abandoned children was pretty much mandatory on Manta Carlos, land of a thousand orphans.
"I'm not going to run off, Shay."
Shay was antagonizing Angelo because he was the only one here now. Because he hadn't been here before. Because if she waited, was nice now, he'd see all their garbage later and not be able to handle it.
"What about underage drinking? Or sex? Self-harm? Harming others? It's more than just nightmares Angelo."
Her tone changed then, softened, but the intensity in her eyes never waned. "They don't deserve all that shit. They don't deserve to be abandoned. I don't want to see that happen to all of them. They couldn't handle it. They're already broken up over this.
"So do me a favor. When you bail, not if, because this shit always happens. When it all becomes too much -- fuck, I don't know, but don't just walk out without a word. Don't make it seem like their fault.
"And yeah, pretty aware you don't want kids, which is why I'm warier. We not like animals -- you... you can't just come in and swoop us all up to feel like a fucking hero and then... then... -- What are you even expecting?"
Shay's cheeks were flushed from anger -- pure indignation. A good sign she spoke from experience, maybe not here but other places. Shay had been in plenty of homes before Klaus and Vito, though none had ever lasted so long.
She'd gotten attached. A major mistake. She should never have believed in the promises. The honeyed words. It all ended. Every. Single. Time.
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She was hurt. She was hurt, and Angelo knew she was hurt, knew that the wound was still fresh, the betrayal still so recent. She was surrounded by reminders of them, by every single thing in the house slamming home the all important message: You were abandoned. You were left behind.
It helped Angelo keep his mouth shut. It helped him from keeping from lashing out, even in the face of a lot of really awful insinuations.
"Shay," Angelo said. "I know you think I'm not prepared. I know you think I don't know what sort of things to expect. I'm a cop, and cops see a lot of messed up shit, but they still don't get it. Seeing things for a moment--just a glimpse--isn't anything like living it. Seeing the after effects isn't anything like seeing it in action. I know, Shay. I've seen it. You've only ever known me as a cop, so you think of me like a cop, but I've done a lot of horrible things. I've cut throats. I've killed people in horrible ways. I've done things I don't even want to share, because I feel like if I did, you'd never talk to me again. And the things I've seen... I've seen a lot Shay. A lot of fucked up shit. I'm not going into this blind."
Angelo took a moment to compose himself a bit more, then let out a sigh.
"I'm not going into this blind," he repeated. "I know it's going to be hard as hell and you guys are going to need time to adjust, but I swear I'm not just jumping in because I think it'd be fun."
It helped Angelo keep his mouth shut. It helped him from keeping from lashing out, even in the face of a lot of really awful insinuations.
"Shay," Angelo said. "I know you think I'm not prepared. I know you think I don't know what sort of things to expect. I'm a cop, and cops see a lot of messed up shit, but they still don't get it. Seeing things for a moment--just a glimpse--isn't anything like living it. Seeing the after effects isn't anything like seeing it in action. I know, Shay. I've seen it. You've only ever known me as a cop, so you think of me like a cop, but I've done a lot of horrible things. I've cut throats. I've killed people in horrible ways. I've done things I don't even want to share, because I feel like if I did, you'd never talk to me again. And the things I've seen... I've seen a lot Shay. A lot of fucked up shit. I'm not going into this blind."
Angelo took a moment to compose himself a bit more, then let out a sigh.
"I'm not going into this blind," he repeated. "I know it's going to be hard as hell and you guys are going to need time to adjust, but I swear I'm not just jumping in because I think it'd be fun."
TW: mentions of noncon & abuse
Shay hated how collected Angelo was right then. How he managed to soothe her worries. It somehow only made her angrier. She didn't want to be close again. She didn't want to hurt again. To give him her trust, her dedication, and for all of it to be worthless. To be thrown to the ground again and again.
"No," Shay yelled, "you don't get to do that. You don't get to tell me it'll be okay. You don't get to tell me you're ready. You don't get to tell me that you understand."
By now, Shay stood over Angelo as he sat, tears brimming. She wanted to destroy this precious chance, a reaction she might have had before if she hadn't been so caught up in the responsibility of it all. Hadn't been playing adult.
"You don't get it! How many times were you thrown back, Angelo? How many families left you? How many times did you try with every single fucking fiber of your being to be perfect for them but it was still never enough?
"How many sleepless nights wondering if this was how the world saw you, always, like some damn dog in the shelter they could buy for a Christmas and leave on the street come the new year? And how many of those times did people raise their voice and their hand at you? How often were you reminded, in words and actions, that you were nothing. Completely replaceable.
"And how often did people remind you that no one would believe you. You were alone, and everyone who you needed to be there wasn't! But, oh, then they swoop in on the aftermath and tell you how sorry they feel for everything you've been through!"
It was cathartic yelling at Angelo as if he was every disappointing adult in her life. Every person who abandoned her. Who called her a friend but turned their backs on her.
"If you're so fucking sorry, where were you? Huh? Where were you? Where were you when Billy, "the fucking Butcher" snatched me up? Cut me, said awful things to me, told me I liked it?"
Shay ran her fingers through her hair, tugged at the strands and knotted them, closing her eyes, backed away until her back was against the wall and she could slide to a seat on the ground, giving pitiful, suppressed sobs.
"I hate this place," she whispered.
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None of it. Everything she said was alien to Angelo. He had been unwanted by his parents, yes, an afterthought and nothing more, but after that he'd had family. He'd had people who cared, people who cared about him more than his blood parents ever had. The don had been a father to him, and even if he was a criminal Angelo could never have brought himself to cut him out. Not after he'd made the right choice and sent him to the islands, giving him a chance he shouldn't have been able to have.
Angelo wasn't impassive anymore. He was upset, his mouth pinched together. He didn't know what he should be doing, didn't know if he should be hugging her or giving her space or what. There was no guide book that handled this. No explanation that went into this level of extreme abandonment.
"I don't," Angelo admitted. "I don't know what that was like. I know what it's like being in the mafia and having crime be who you are, but I don't know what it's like to bounce from place to place. I was lucky. I had a family. And that's why I want all of you to have that chance too, Shay. Because I regret letting things go this far. I regret that I didn't know, that I didn't even find out you'd been taken until long after the fact. That I was so out of the loop I didn't even know. But I want to make it better. I want to help."
He wasn't going to try and force her to accept a hug, but that didn't stop him from holding his hand out, offering it up for her to take.
Angelo wasn't impassive anymore. He was upset, his mouth pinched together. He didn't know what he should be doing, didn't know if he should be hugging her or giving her space or what. There was no guide book that handled this. No explanation that went into this level of extreme abandonment.
"I don't," Angelo admitted. "I don't know what that was like. I know what it's like being in the mafia and having crime be who you are, but I don't know what it's like to bounce from place to place. I was lucky. I had a family. And that's why I want all of you to have that chance too, Shay. Because I regret letting things go this far. I regret that I didn't know, that I didn't even find out you'd been taken until long after the fact. That I was so out of the loop I didn't even know. But I want to make it better. I want to help."
He wasn't going to try and force her to accept a hug, but that didn't stop him from holding his hand out, offering it up for her to take.
Shay hated it. The offer for physical contact. Something she'd dreamed of as a child. Longed for that safe, warm place only a hug could provide. And she wanted it from Angelo -- right then. Wanted it so badly but knew if she gave in, the moment she let down her guard, he would be gone too. She hated him.
Everything hurt. It all hurt so bad. Shay had spent years hiding away from the pain. Getting angry instead of sad. Fighting, always fighting, to be seen to be heard. Afraid to be forgotten. At the end of the day, she was this. She was a kid, backed against a wall and crumbled under the weight of terrible things.
Eroshay stared at his hand, reached out gingerly and pulled herself up and to him, clinging to him for dear life.
"Why didn't they want me?" she asked to the room. "Why... Why am I not good enough?"
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He was happy she accepted. Really, he'd been nervous--maybe even afraid--that she wouldn't. That she'd push him away. She had a lot of issues, a lot of concerns that had built up over the years and never really been dealt with. She needed therapy--all of them did--but that wouldn't happen unless she could trust someone.
Maybe him. Maybe someone else.
"It's not about you," he said quietly. "It's about them. It's not about how good or bad you were or weren't, it's about their situation in life. About the things that came up. About what they have going on in their life. Anyone who'd take in a kid and then kick them out is an asshole, no question about it Shay."
He believed that really, really strongly.
Maybe him. Maybe someone else.
"It's not about you," he said quietly. "It's about them. It's not about how good or bad you were or weren't, it's about their situation in life. About the things that came up. About what they have going on in their life. Anyone who'd take in a kid and then kick them out is an asshole, no question about it Shay."
He believed that really, really strongly.
Shay recalled all the times Angelo had denied her touching him before, and she wondered how those times were inappropriate when this one wasn't? Because he was her legal guardian now? Because Angelo knew about him and what he had done?
Shay wanted to choke at what Angelo said. How could that be true? If a pattern happened and the only constant was you, then you were the problem, right? Shay was the problem, and Angelo didn't want to admit it, or he didn't know it yet. They all said those pretty words. They gave their promises.
Words and promises, though, they were just that -- words. Pretty, but Shay couldn't buy anything with words. Apply enough pressure, and each of them reacted the same way. There was another door. Another bed. Another set of faces.
"If it weren't for Caelin, I'd run away and live on the street. The others don't need me to protect them, not really. They're old enough."
And maybe that sounded terrible, but with the streets came a level of stability. It was consistent in its awful. There weren't false hopes and chocolate kisses that melted just as soon as they met warmth.
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In a lighter situation, Angelo would probably have cuffed her upside the head for being so stupid. As it was, he wasn't going to do anything of the sort. Most of the time Shay was about as far from the word delicate as humanly possible, but in that moment, right then, she unquestionably was.
"It's not about you protecting them, you know," Angelo pointed out. "You're their sister. It's about them being close to you, and you being close to them. It's about being family."
Angelo wasn't family. He knew he wasn't there yet, wasn't sure if he'd ever be that close. But he could at least try.
"I'm not going to leave, alright? For real. Do I need to go try and find someone who has oath magic to make you believe it? Because I will."
"It's not about you protecting them, you know," Angelo pointed out. "You're their sister. It's about them being close to you, and you being close to them. It's about being family."
Angelo wasn't family. He knew he wasn't there yet, wasn't sure if he'd ever be that close. But he could at least try.
"I'm not going to leave, alright? For real. Do I need to go try and find someone who has oath magic to make you believe it? Because I will."