Private Finished Hoping, Hopeful

Fox Tarts

Venus Love Chain
Jan 21, 2020
674
My bed
Pronouns
Any
Posting Status
Weekly
Days seemed to blur together. Ever since he moved into the dorms, then with the closure of the ocean, Jae felt like he was spiraling out of control. His grades suffered, homework was either half finished or not turned in at all. Then, there in the deepest part of him, his magic whispered to him. It sweetly begged for death and destruction, to bring misery to the people surrounding him.

Then the ocean opened up, but Jae still struggled. Throughout it all, he had one bright memory to keep him going. He had kissed Eric. Spent the night with him. It hardly seemed real yet the proof was there. If Eric was constantly on Jae's mind before, then what would he call now? The teen had a few words in mind, but they all seemed wrong. Obsession was one, but that couldn't be it.

Jae drifted through the student lounge, his school bag on his back. The ocean was open again, but Jae felt as worn thin as ever. He searched the room for an open seat, and instead saw Eric. Before Jae could think about it, he had walked over to Eric and took a seat next to him. The sight of him was like a balm on Jae's mind. Jae needed something good in his life.

"Eric," He greeted with a smile. Then added, "We should go to the beach together. As, as a date." Jae waited, hopeful.

@Kait
 

Kait

Gay Idiot
Supporter
Godly Subscriber
Nov 22, 2014
3,715
Gender
amab Female
Pronouns
She/Her
Posting Status
Weekly
Eric froze up the moment Jae said that. Pure terror, hidden behind the thinnest veneer of a poker face. This wasn't anything like what Jae must have been hoping for. It took him a moment to even manage a response.

"...Jae? Can we talk about this somewhere else? I, uh..." he looked around a little bit, then started putting his study materials in his bag. Pretty soon, if Jae wanted to talk about this, he would have to be following Eric outside.
 

Fox Tarts

Venus Love Chain
Jan 21, 2020
674
My bed
Pronouns
Any
Posting Status
Weekly
Jae's smile faltered, caught off-guard by Eric's strange reaction. Though he outwardly seemed calm, there was something in his eyes that Jae couldn't translate. He tried to rationalize it, as Jae had after all suddenly disturbed Eric's study time.

"Else? Oh, um, sure. We can." He stood with Eric and followed the other outside. What did they need to talk about that had to be said outside? It was confusing and strange, and the two feelings melted into something that settled uncomfortably in the pit of Jae's stomach. "So, what did you want to talk about?" He asked when they were alone.
 

Kait

Gay Idiot
Supporter
Godly Subscriber
Nov 22, 2014
3,715
Gender
amab Female
Pronouns
She/Her
Posting Status
Weekly
Eric was still panicking. He didn't really know how to explain this. He didn't even know if there was a right thing to say.

"So... listen, I'm... not from a place where that's... okay to do." he said, rubbing the back of his neck. "I came here with some of my friends, and I don't think they know that I... um, that I like guys. And if they find out..."

Maybe this would work. It wasn't the right thing to say, exactly - he was basically lying by omission - but maybe it would work? He hoped?

Fuck, he should have never met Jae. Eric hated this. He hated this. He hated himself. Why was he so weak? Why couldn't he just be normal?
 

Fox Tarts

Venus Love Chain
Jan 21, 2020
674
My bed
Pronouns
Any
Posting Status
Weekly
Jae listened. His face blank, devoid of emotion as his mind processed when Eric had said. For a brief moment he couldn't, the words almost incomprehensible. Only because Jae couldn't, wouldn't understand it. Until he did.

It was like a punch to the gut. Jae sucked in a quick, harsh breath as his magic suddenly, painfully flared. Jae's head swam, heady with the surge of power. "You," Jae began, the rest of his words tangled in his mouth. You used me. Months of flirting, yearning. When they kissed, then they. . . Jae felt wetness well in the corners of his eyes and quickly wiped it away.

"What the hell." Jae said, hurt shifting to anger. In the back of his mind his magic whispered to him. You've been rejected, it said, you've been abused, now return that misery.
 

Kait

Gay Idiot
Supporter
Godly Subscriber
Nov 22, 2014
3,715
Gender
amab Female
Pronouns
She/Her
Posting Status
Weekly
Eric was panicking. Frantic, almost.

"Look, I... I don't know what to do. Keeping this kind of thing a secret is just, it's the only way I could do this back home without my whole life being ruined. If my friends find a way home, and they know that I'm... That I..." He couldn't even say that he was gay out loud. He didn't even want to believe it. That last step was too hard for him to take.

All at once, it hit him. He was fucking everything up, for everyone else and especially himself. He was hurting Jasmine. He was hurting Jae. It was all his fault, and he couldn't make it right.

"W-we can still be together. I think? I mean, I really... I really like you. I just..."

He had to choose between love and his only friends from home, and he couldn't. Each of those things had its hooks in him. He didn't even know if he could survive this.
 

Fox Tarts

Venus Love Chain
Jan 21, 2020
674
My bed
Pronouns
Any
Posting Status
Weekly
Jae shook his head, almost unwilling to hear Eric out. What kind of excuse can one make after all that's happened, only to be hit with the 'but what will my friend's think?' speech. Maybe Jae couldn't understand where Eric came from, he didn't live in the era Eric did, where being gay was taboo. On the island no one cared, and many were so open and accepting. Jae only felt anger.

"I don't want to be a secret!" Jae snapped, his tone louder than intended as his ears filled with the buzz of his magic. "You just what, Eric? You just can't tell your friends you're gay? You want to have me only when no one else can know? I'm not-" Jae faltered, his expression pained for a moment, "I'm not a toy you can pick up and play with when you feel like it!"
 

Kait

Gay Idiot
Supporter
Godly Subscriber
Nov 22, 2014
3,715
Gender
amab Female
Pronouns
She/Her
Posting Status
Weekly
Eric cringed.

When Jae put it like that, it made him feel pretty chickenshit. Pathetic. Manipulative.

He had been fighting this for a long time - the idea that he had to accept the way he felt about other guys. Fighting the reality that he couldn't just go home and live the kind of life he had wanted, or maybe even tricked himself into wanting. Nobody seemed willing or able to 'cure' his homosexuality so far.

And now he was ruining - whatever this was with Jae. Whatever he might have wanted it to become, or idly dreamed about it becoming. It was a new front in his battle to prop up his normal, straight jock reputation - and he was already stretched thin and falling apart on this. His resolve crumbled fast.

He didn't say anything for a second, staring at the wall. He couldn't look Jae in the eye. When he spoke, he was almost trembling. "Y-you're... no, you're probably right, Jae. I should just... tell them already." He sighed. "It probably won't be that bad, right? I mean, it's not like I'm ever gonna get to go home anyway, so. Stupid of me to care so much about ruining the life I might get to have back there." He was almost crying, at that last part. He wasn't sure if he was ready to let that dream die.

"And it was stupid of me to... think you'd play along with me on this."

His eyes were tearing up, but he managed to hold the sobs in at least. Someone looking at them from far away might not be able to tell.
 

Fox Tarts

Venus Love Chain
Jan 21, 2020
674
My bed
Pronouns
Any
Posting Status
Weekly
Jae was tense as he waited for Eric's response. His nails dug into his palms, and the pain helped to distract his mind from awful, terrible conclusions this conversion could have. Mostly, he feared what rejection would do to him. He couldn't let that happen.

Eric began to speak and Jae winced, clearly fearing the worst. But that didn't come to pass. There was something sad in Eric's face, almost like resignation, or was it grief? Jae studied Eric's face, and saw the way he held back tears. With that much of his anger slipped away and the siren song in his head wasn't so loud any more. Jae took a deep, shuddering and well needed breath.

"Friends shouldn't care about who you like." He said, aiming to be supportive but it was spoken cautiously. Jae could empathize, and feel that this. . . was a lot for Eric. Difficult. Jae struggled with that as he couldn't fully shake his own feelings. "It was." Jae agreed. "But you admitted it and. . . and I can forgive you. Just. . . give me some time." Jae could forgive Eric, but this. . . drama between them was too fresh.
 

Kait

Gay Idiot
Supporter
Godly Subscriber
Nov 22, 2014
3,715
Gender
amab Female
Pronouns
She/Her
Posting Status
Weekly
Eric took a deep breath.

"That's... fair." He said. "I'm, uh, probably gonna need some time, too."

He told himself that he would be quick about telling his friends. That he would draw on some fresh surge of motivation to finally just let his friends know that he liked guys, that he was gay, and just face whatever consequences came out of that.

But that was too scary. He'd really rather just not talk about it again. Every time he talked about it with someone it became more real, more unavoidable, and it shook him to his core.

So, after this conversation ended, he went back into his closet and he shut the door. He felt safe there. Comfortable. He was going to stay there for a while longer, cursing his own cowardice.
 
Forgot your password?