Going Full Circle

Sarrain

Sarrain

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Rory made a face. She made an 'o' shape with her mouth and breathed out to expel any and all angry energy (it did not work).

"Okay. Here's what we'll do. You tell me everything you know about this situation. All those variables. Then, I'm going to go over there and ask her about it and do my sleuthing before I jump the gun on sitting her ass down and explaining just how bad all of this is. You..."

Rory stopped and gave Jude a good long look. "I want you to think about what you want and need here. I know you guys... all of you want to put the hero stuff away. I don't think I'll ever be able to, but you guys want to. So I need to know what you want to happen and I'll make it happen."

Christ, she felt like she might cry again. Rory had that distinct feeling she was breaking further and further from her team. Admitting she couldn't retire like they could... that was something she hadn't wanted to say. Saying it made it real.
 
Romi

Romi

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Jude grimaced. He grimaced really hard.

Because she was asking for decisions. For... things. Things he wasn't sure about, didn't know about.

"This isn't like home. You can't just... do the hero thing. You can help people in other ways, but you can't just go running around in a suit beating up bad guys. You can't just... do this. This is the police's job, Rory. We live with a cop. Promise me you aren't going to have to go after the Black Wings."

Because there was no way he was saying another word if she wasn't going to.
 
Sarrain

Sarrain

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Rory's look turned stony. "I know it's the polices job. I'm not going to go and beat anyone up, Jude. I promise. I'd steer fucking Angelo to beat them up, though." She thought about it. "I do want them dead, but I'm not going to be the one to bring that justice. I promise."
 
Romi

Romi

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Jude recoiled. There was... something there, some emotion that didn't even make sense to him, let alone anyone else? Horror? Shock?

"I don't want anyone dead," Jude said flatly. "I don't want... Not even them."

Not even the people he'd shot.
 
Sarrain

Sarrain

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"I know you don't Jude." Which was all Rory could say about it, and maybe if it happened, she wouldn't want anyone dead either. But right now, she wanted them to rot. She wanted them to feel what they'd made her family feel, but ten times over.
 
Romi

Romi

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She was too intense. Too much, too... real? Because Jude was pretty sure she did. She did want them dead. She wanted them in the ground. By herself, or by someone else, and the thought of it made Jude sick.

He turned away.

"I don't want you to end up like that," he said, his voice barely audible. The conversation had fallen off the metaphorical cliff.
 
Sarrain

Sarrain

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Rory sighed and rubbed her face. "I--" But she stopped. No, that wasn't the right thing to say. "I'm an angry person Jude. I'm not under the illusion I could kill someone. I know I'd feel sick from it. It's not a fucking Catholic thought, I'm not about to act on it.... because I don't ever want to be like that either."

And Jude seemed like he couldn't even look at her. The same way he couldn't look at Basilio all that time ago and that hurt. And weirdly, all she could think was 'regretable.' It was enough to make her want to fucking laugh.

"Shit," she said and held her face harder, pushing her palms into her eyes so the tears were held back. "I'm sorry, Jude."
 
Romi

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"I shouldn't," Jude admitted, staring into his knees and trying firmly to not acknowledge that she was definitely crying. "I shouldn't feel bad because they were going to kill me if I was lucky. If I was lucky they'd just have torn me in half. But I feel bad anyway, because I keep thinking about all the what ifs. What if I'd had my stun bullets? Could I have stopped them? What if I'd been more prepared? Rory, I told Angelo to shoot Broen. What if I'd been wrong? What if that'd killed him?"

He scrubbed at his face with his hands, forcing himself to exhale. He felt... maybe not sad. Maybe angry. At himself, at the situation. There were a lot of emotions, and he kept cycling through them.
 
Sarrain

Sarrain

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"You did the right thing," she said more firmly. Firm, because he needed that beat into him. "You made the right call with the information you had then. Sometimes that's all you've got, Jude, and you can't sit there wondering what if."

She paused and breathed out. "I'll admit... to me death has always been the worst thing a person could do. After all, anything short of death a person can crawl back from. But death is final. As final as it gets. I think some people deserve death, but I'm not sure I'm qualified to make that decision. So I don't."

She scooted closer to him, peeking out from behind her fingers. "You did the right thing. You saved Broen. If you hadn't told Angelo to shoot him, he'd be gone. He'd be the Headmaster. You saved him and countless other children. Feel proud, not bad."
 
Romi

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It felt too close, too raw. He'd saved Broen, but he might not have. He'd killed the lamia, but maybe there'd been other ways. He'd never been so bothered before, and he supposed it was because there'd never been these kind of consequences before. No one had died before. He'd never killed anyone before. He didn't want to again.

"It'll get better," Jude admitted. He knew that. He knew it because he'd patted other people on the back through their own breakdowns. "I just need to process. To... to sort it out."

But it did feel comforting hearing Rory say you did the right thing.

He didn't answer her when she said death was the worst. Jude knew that was wrong. There were things far, far worse. Maybe that was his upbringing.
 
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