For a Friend

Xavier had been sat there as he waited for his regular check in for his probation. He was fortunate with the sentence he had been given, so he made sure he arrived on time. This usually meant he arrived a bit earlier than he needed, and it wasn’t like the staff were free all the time so his check in would always be on time. Because he regretted what happened, he never had any negative feelings about the probation.

Until today. When he spotted a familiar face, and for the first time since he started serving his sentences, Xavier wholeheartedly weighed the option of booking it. Ever since Xavier came back from his... near death experience, he had tried his best to avoid Angelo. Not because he disliked him, though. It always cut into him, when he remembered Angelo. Every single word flashed in his mind.
‘If you ever considered us friends at all, you’ll leave me be.’ Those words were what stuck with Xavier the most, and they still cut like knives.

But here Xavier sat, in a waiting room between a rock and a hard place. If Angelo couldn’t tell, Xavier most certainly avoided looking at him. He couldn’t exactly move away though when Angelo sat next to him. Xavier turned to him, and offered a small friendly smile despite the internal screaming. “Dani’s fine. She’s probably at the park with a babysitter right now.” He spoke friendly, and tried his best not to let the internal anxiety out.

His shoulders were tensed. He kept waiting for Angelo to leave, like what had happened before. It terrified him. But, at least he didn’t feel as bad as he had before. Opening up to some people really helped, and also realise just how many issues that he himself had. This was something Xavier couldn’t feel calm about though.

Xavier froze a bit. He hadn’t expected Angelo to ask him about how he felt. It was almost the last thing he expected. “Uh... I’ve been good! Just the usual kind of thing.” How his eyes flicked away from Angelo, and his general body language, proved once again how bad a liar Xavier was. It would only be recent that he had started feeling better, but it was still a long way off. “Just been busy, with school, community service, volunteering, Dani...” As Xavier listed them off, he internally flinched. Now that he acknowledge he’d been overworking himself, he couldn’t help but notice that saying it out loud really did seem like a lot to do.

Angelo had hit the nail right on the head. That would exactly be what Xavier expected. He had been told to leave Angelo alone, and that was exactly what Xavier wanted to try and do. Since he did consider Angelo his friend. He had already said it to Marissa partially, but Xavier would die if he could get any semblance of what they used to have. They weren’t close, but Angelo was one of the first people Xavier considered a friend after the evacuation.

He looked away from Angelo a bit abruptly. “I just... didn’t want to bother you.” That was Xavier’s way of saying ‘Yes, yes I did’. Of course he would never actually admit it. He didn’t want to offend Angelo or anything.

Xavier raised his head to look at Angelo. His eyes wide as he stared. There was pure, unfiltered disbelief. Xavier had acknowledged he'd been hard on himself, but a fundamental part of him still felt he deserved every bad thing that happened. He didn't feel he deserved Angelo not being angry at him... and he couldn't believe that he wasn't. It had to be some sick joke, just like with Michael right? But the longer Xavier processed, the less he could actually believe that. Angelo wasn't like Michael, Xavier knew that.

At the last thing that Angelo said, Xavier's shoulders and head just slumped a bit as he stared at the ground. Opening up meant he acknowledge issues, but it also left him a bit more emotionally fragile at that current time. He managed not to start crying but it most certainly got close. Xavier didn't feel like a different person, he still felt like the awful human being that could ever exist from all those months ago. It would probably take more than a few days where he opened up to people for him to ever fix that. "I don't really feel that different..." He stared at his hands as he clenched and unclenched them a few times. "I'm still the same idiot." He spoke quietly. Xavier didn't even try to hide how his voice sounded. Depressed, anxious, scared.

He raised his head again so he could look at Angelo, his eyes so much more tired to the complete joker he had been before the prank. "It's... been a rough few months, I guess..." It was a simple, but honest response. Honesty had been something Xavier had resolved he would do it a bit more of after he internalised so many issues for so long.

Xavier put his hands together when he stopped clenching and unclenching them. His thumbs twiddled together, a bit anxiously. Months of self loathing made him feel that he had not at all changed from that time. “I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to believe that. I’ll probably always be an idiot.” Xavier spoke like he believed those words, truly because he did.

He leaned back where he sat, pulled his hands towards himself so he could rub his face. “I’ve... acknowledged that I had issues. I’m trying to work through them. I’m glad I have people who want to help me.” A small smile crept at the corners of his lips. For all the issues he still had, he couldn’t understand how much he appreciated being friends with Diego, Xarrah, and Marissa.

He inhaled as he thought to himself. “A lot has changed for me as well, I suppose. In more recent times, I want to say for the better. The past 5 months... maybe not as good.”