First Session: Theo Bishop

“Tea would be fine,” Theo said, and tried to figure out how he would get his hands to stop shaking so that he wouldn’t drop the mug. No method came to mind. “Actually, I don’t think I trust myself enough to not drop anything at the moment, let alone a mug of hot liquid. I’ll try.”

He sighed again, unlacing his fingers and placing his hands in his lap. They have stilled a bit now that he wasn’t talking about anything, but he knew that the shaking was going to return as soon as he opens his mouth.

“Talking about him... if I told you every thing about him it would take days. He was my partner for almost four years, I knew almost everything there was to know about him,” Theo said, looking at the wall behind Valli instead of directly at the other man. “And it was a good 4 years. I guess I’m scared to let go because I’m scared to forget. Does that make any sense? “

“Thank you,” Theo said, reaching for the bottle of water. He promptly managed to knock it over, but willed his hands to still, picking it up again. Then there was the business of the screw top. It took a few tries to get it open, but at least it was something for his hands to do. This was probably the most difficult bottle of water he had opened in his life. He brought the bottle gingerly to his mouth and sipped.

It was a bit disconcerting, to hear Valli spell out what was in his head perfectly without him having to explain but, but in a strange way it made him feel better. More normal, in a sense. What he was feeling wasnt strange.

“I’m trying. But it isn’t easy,” Theo said, setting his bottle down first before he started to speak. “I know he’s still going to be part of what made me, no matter what. But every time that I try to move on - weeks, months, a years worth of progress, recently - something happens, I don’t even know what, and suddenly I see- I remember him in everything I do and it’s just fucking saying goodbye again.”

He wasn’t crying yet. That’s something.

“Sorry that I swore,” he said, quietly.

"No, I don't like to swear, either. It's an easy habit to develop and I don't think it's a good one," Theo said. The faith that his family raised him as probably had something to do with that, but he also just didn't like how swear words sounded. David teased him for that, too. Until Theo actually got angry. That was another thing he liked about David, he knew when things became too serious and when to stop.

He took the water again and sipped from the bottle, a bit easier this time now the bottle wasn't as full and that the cap was already open. A good thing about this session was that at least Valli didn't look fed up with his inability to talk about anything without choking on his own words.

"Well, the trouble is I can't talk about him without wanting to cry," Theo said, giving a sardonic smile. "I can try, for sure, but I don't like making other people worried about me. It's not something they need to know about my past. I'm going to work on it, though."

He sure had a lot of things to work on. A glance at the clock told him time was almost up. Did he really get through this without crying? He was surprised at himself.

"It could be relieving, " Theo said, cautiously. He felt... what was the word? Slightly... disarmed. He had thought he had hidden his urge to cry quite well during this session. Sure, there were the shaky hands and all that, but if he was this obvious in a therapy session, then he's probably this obvious in real life as well. Oh, well. "But I guess now's not the time."

He pushed a hand through his hair, which had fallen down to his forehead during the session.

"Thank you," he said, taking another quick glance at the clock. He capped the water bottle - this time was easier. He had calmed down a bit and his hands were actually doing what he wanted. Theo hadn't ever heard of therapists giving homework, per se, but he understood what Valli meant. He had a lot of things that he had to think about. Not much more than what he had started out with, perhaps, but at least now he's found a way to organise them.

"How do I feel?" he actually had to stop and think. "Emotionally... tired? Drained? But not exactly? Like I've talked myself out. Feelings are hard."

"Yeah, a good lie-down in a street does sound like a good plan to me," Theo said, giving a genuine smile. While the world emotional wringer seemed a tad extreme, drained was the right word. But bizarrely, he was almost thankful for it. Being this worn out meant that he had less time to think.

Later today, he'll probably take a canoe out and just sit in the lake for a bit, not thinking. That sounded like a good plan.

"Thank you for today," Theo said, standing up from his seat. He took the bottle with him, and made a mental note to bring a reusable bottle next session. More difficult to spill, better for the environment. "I'll see you next week, Valli."