First Session: Theo Bishop

Theo nodded at Valli's mention of resources. Honestly, he had never even thought of looking for help or local support groups online. He had always been a self-sufficient person, and he supposed that it had become one of his weaknesses, neglecting to look for help. But again, he had been dealing with everything quite fine on his own until the break began.

"Well, I guess it's also partially my fault," Theo said, considering Valli's comment on how others found it difficult to confront people about their issues. He had felt the same at times, with David, wondering if he was being overly intrusive. Had other people around him felt this too? "I talk to people, but I don't... talk about myself. I don't like that. I try to change the topic, I guess. To something else. Like the weather. I really do want to do it now, but I know I shouldn't."

"Well, people do say I get a bit cagey sometimes," Theo explained. While Valli's explanation of his avoidance being normal did help, sometimes he can't help but to blame himself. There were so many things about himself that he felt like other people should know, but he could never bring himself to say them. And somehow he still had the gall to feel sorry for himself. Nobody else knew, so why was he expecting anybody to be sympathetic towards him? Theo frowned a little at his thoughts. He shouldn't become distracted.

Start small. Pick something to share with others. He still had trouble doing that, at times.

"Should I do it now? Or later?" Theo asked.

"Right now?" Theo said, and tried very hard to not to instinctively start to clam up. This was something that he had to start doing, if he wanted any kind of a relationship that wasn't just passing by and saying hi in the hallways every day. And there really was no safer place to do it than here, in the office of somebody who's bound by law to keep what he says a secret.

"Well, I like to kayak. Really I like most kinds of boating. I've been thinking of starting a boating club at the school, actually, but I don't know if anyone would be interested, plus with graduation right in front of me, I doubt it's going to continue," Theo began. That was quite a bit. Still trivial, but much more than what he'd normally say. "I think I'm a bit scared to graduate again. Actually, when he was still around - David, I mean - he'd always joke that I was so obsessed with a routine that I should probably join the military after I graduate. From my bachelors."

His hands had started to shake again, but he kept talking. "He liked to joke. About all sorts of things. Always had a bit of a dark sense of humour. I haven't found anyone who joked as much as him since."

Theo couldn't speak anymore. His hands were shaking so violently that he was actually a bit afraid. He had never gotten so worked up before talking about David.

“Boating. Sure. Okay. We can do that,” Theo said. He felt a little embarrassed. It was only his first therapy session and he already had veered close to a breakdown. Who knows what he’s going to do next? He had been holding everything together fine for the last few months - few years, so why is he suddenly losing it now? He clenched his hands together in an attempt to still them.

At least Valli was nice about it. He didn’t make any outwards reaction, and more important didn’t ask any questions about David, which made Theo feel marginally better. Sometimes it was better to have someone just listen without judgement first.

“I’ve been out into the city, and I know that there are a few boathouses and rental places near the docks. Maybe I could make an arrangement with them. Hire out something. The lake is the closest place we’ve got, but we could take people out to the sea as well. Start a kids program. I’ve got some ideas but they’re just ideas.” Theo said. If he let himself think before he chose his words there was a real risk of crying. “I don’t even know who I should talk to for this. I’ve still got my new job to worry about. Maybe I’ll figure it out later on.”

Theo had been speaking to people for long enough to know when the other person didn’t know much about the subject he was currently talking about. He was good at spotting those signs and changing topic early so that the other person didn’t get too bored, which was something he learned very early on. He liked boats, drawing, and birds. It didn’t mean anyone else did. But the boating club might be the only thing he could talk about right now, so he carried on.

“Yeah, I’ve been trying to do that, actually. Setting dates for myself so that I don’t forget about things. I’m due to meet with the boat club owner down at the docks in two days, actually. Discuss renting,” Theo continued, quickly, leaving not much room to think or process. “And I need to talk to the headmaster as well, probably. Safety hazards, you know, if we ever let kids join. Those who have parents around. Drowning is a real risk, so you can’t be too careful. We can’t all breathe underwater ”

He paused. We can’t all breathe underwater. He remembered where he took that phrase from. David. When he had capsized a kayak and had stayed underwater for long enough for David to get worried. That was what David had said.

God.

Sighing, he laced his fingers together behind his head and leaned back. His hands couldn’t shake if they’re laced together. “This is harder than I thought,” he said, and tried for a smile.