First Session: Thabisa

EmiRose

The Shipping Enthusiast
Inactive
Mar 24, 2018
3,983
Finland
Posting Status
Hiatus
Thabisa wasn't exactly the most selfless person, but even though she preferred to think about herself first it had been hardwired into her mind, that it was her fault that her parents had struggled. After all, they had always been the ones with the broken kid, they had been harassed because Thabisa couldn't be normal. And they were good, normal folk, with normal jobs and normal lives. And still, they had never ever been mad at Thabisa for being so messed up. So for their sake too, so their efforts and suffering didn't have to be in vain, Thabisa had to struggle and earn her health.

"It's not about that! It's just..."
Thabisa said, maybe bit too angrily, as Valli started to explain about mental healthcare or whatever. She let out a frustrated grunt and tried to find the words, she was still hesitant about pouring her heart out at this guy. It was easy to tell the story that Thabisa had told many times before, but to actually talk about feelings and such? Thabisa was very hesitant.
"Look, there's some important people that had to go through hell because I'm like this. They are going through it right now, across the ocean. So it's not fair if I just...get healed like that. I'm a selfish asshole, but those people are...they mean a lot to me. And yeah, I know it doesn't make sense, they wouldn't want me to suffer, blah blah blah, but goddamnit, not like I can reshape my brain just like that!"
Thabisa hit a couch pillow, and of course nothing happened, Thabisa wasn't super strong or anything. She did a lot of self-reflection, knew her own mind inside and out, but even if she did that didn't mean Thabisa could change how she had trained herself to think.
 

Romi

Secretly a Bird
Administrator
Supporter
Jun 18, 2015
10,109
Gender
Female
Pronouns
She/Her
Posting Status
Irregularly
Parents, probably. Or guardians, or family, or close friends. The idea was clear enough. Others suffered because she suffered. He had seen it before. It wasn't a common line of thought, but it was a reasonable one, in a strange way. Sunk costs. They'd spend their whole lives doing things one way, and change was scary. If they could just get better, didn't that make all the suffering they'd been through a waste?

"People you care about," Valli said. "Important people like that. Do you think they'd feel the same way? Do you think, given the chance of getting better, that they would agree with you?" Technically speaking, it was possible the answer was no. But the way she spoke about them indicated a positive relationship, and whether or not they wouldn't didn't matter as much as how she thought they'd feel.
 

EmiRose

The Shipping Enthusiast
Inactive
Mar 24, 2018
3,983
Finland
Posting Status
Hiatus
"Like I said, I know they wouldn't. Of course they wouldn't feel the same way. And I'm here because I want to get better. But my...my thought process is messed up, I've convinced myself I should struggle since they had to as well. You're the therapist, you should know that human brain can make absolutely no sense."
Thabisa wasn't a therapist and didn't know jack shit about psychology, and even she knew that the human mind could be a real mess. Hers for sure was. And it wasn't just the nightmares, a lot more bad stuff had happened to Thabisa, but the nightmares were the biggest problem, the root on Thabisa's tree of trauma. So after she got working on that she could address how she was kidnapped and almost raped and abused.

"And even if it is some magic bullshit that is causing the nightmares that just means I can't be helped, magic doesn't work on me. And that just means that no matter how much I struggle and struggle in the end it'll be useless 'cos I will always see those nightmares, and they will eventually make me..."
Thabisa didn't want to finish that sentence, but she knew herself well enough, and she knew that if she had to deal with these nightmares her whole life she would definitely kill herself at some point.
 

Romi

Secretly a Bird
Administrator
Supporter
Jun 18, 2015
10,109
Gender
Female
Pronouns
She/Her
Posting Status
Irregularly
"The few times a human brain has made perfect sense, I took that as a cue that the person in front of me wasn't actually a human at all, just someone imitating one," he said with a small smile. "I realize it's confusing. I realize you have conflicted thoughts. But what people say about the power of positive thinking is important. Reminding yourself of things, even if they don't feel true, can help trick your brain into accepting it. Someone who feels ugly but looks in the mirror every day and tells themselves their beautiful--no matter how stupid they feel at first--will eventually internalize it. Things like that are part of my job. Helping people realize that they can accept things that seem impossible to accept."

But her point about not being able to fix it was a whole other issue, and one that he was on far shakier ground.

Because Valli knew that there were worse things than dying for so many people.

"There are ways," Valli said. "Options you can look into. And knowing is better than not knowing. Better to know and better manage it than to spend the rest of your life living a lie, torturing yourself over how you are. And if you can rule it out? If you decide it is a psychological thing? Then we can move forward, knowing that for sure."
 

EmiRose

The Shipping Enthusiast
Inactive
Mar 24, 2018
3,983
Finland
Posting Status
Hiatus
"You're right. That does sound like it would feel stupid."
Was all Thabisa said for starters. So, what? Was Valli telling her to look into the mirror every morning and say she wasn't scared? That the nightmares weren't real? That she was a strong independent woman who wasn't scared of imaginary monsters? Nah, Thabisa knew that wasn't what Valli was getting at. She was still stalling, and her head was still hurting. Humour was her way to deal with shit, to try and make everything less serious, less likely to affect Thabisa in any way.
"So what should I do, doc? Try and convince my brain I don't need to struggle? That sounds like it would take ages, I'm not a patient person."
Suffering was easy, Thabisa already did that every day, and struggling was something Thabisa could lose herself in. But this method Valli was suggesting sounded like something Thabisa would get bored of really fast.

"So...you won't help me before I figure out if what is going on with me is magical or not? And what if I can never figure that out because of my magic immunity? Then that's it, I'll be left alone with my monsters?"
Thabisa was maybe poking at Valli excessively, but it was a fact that she was impatient. Thabisa had suspected she'd get prickly during this session, especially if it dragged on. When Thabisa wanted something she usually wanted it quick and easy. And yeah, dealing with her fucked up mind wasn't something that was gonna happen overnight, but that didn't mean Thabisa couldn't get ways of dealing with it during this one hour long appointment.
 

Romi

Secretly a Bird
Administrator
Supporter
Jun 18, 2015
10,109
Gender
Female
Pronouns
She/Her
Posting Status
Irregularly
"I'll help you," Valli clarified, "but pushing you towards that is probably the best thing I can do for your mental health at the moment. There are options. I think the most important one for you, aside from the obvious, is what I mentioned before. Mind over matter. Reminding yourself, every night, that the dream is just a dream. That it doesn't mean anything about you as a person."

He wasn't going to suggest any medication. Whatever he would suggest, she'd most likely tried before, and medication could have all kinds of side effects he wasn't willing to risk until supernatural causes had been ruled out.

"I think that's an important thing to remember, and to focus on. It's very easy, when grappling with something like this, to internalize it. To feel like it reflects upon you as a person. But it doesn't, whether it's supernatural or from your own mind. Everyone has nightmares. Everyone has things they grapple with. And in the same way that you wouldn't judge others for their struggles, you shouldn't judge yourself."
 

EmiRose

The Shipping Enthusiast
Inactive
Mar 24, 2018
3,983
Finland
Posting Status
Hiatus
"...alright, guess I'll try it then, I'm desperate, after all."
Valli's advice, no matter how tedious doing it sounded, made sense, kinda. Thabisa thought about the method she had used before to deal with all this shit, how she drew the monsters in her mind on paper. She considered telling about that to Valli, but decided against it. Thabisa was going to experiment on her own as well, she wasn't one to blindly put all her trust on one person's word. Even if it was a professional.


"Not nearly anyone has the kind of nightmares I do. If they did the world would be a really different place..."
Thabisa said with a kind of a bitter tone, and looked away from Valli for a moment. The man was being decently helpful, lot more helpful than Thabisa had initially expected. She wondered if this mind over matter junk would help when dealing with Thabisa's fear of nudity. She really needed to overcome that so the tattoo parlour she was interning at wouldn't fire her.
 
Last edited:

Romi

Secretly a Bird
Administrator
Supporter
Jun 18, 2015
10,109
Gender
Female
Pronouns
She/Her
Posting Status
Irregularly
The most important step was recognizing you had a problem, but the second most important step is being willing to start taking steps towards getting better. Just saying you had a problem wouldn't make things better. It just opened the door for it.

"No, not everyone does," Valli agreed. "But everyone has their own struggles. You have to be willing to not judge yourself so harshly. That's important for your own mental health as well."
 

EmiRose

The Shipping Enthusiast
Inactive
Mar 24, 2018
3,983
Finland
Posting Status
Hiatus
"Hey, I don't let anyone else's judgment get to me, so just gotta do it myself, no?"
Thabisa said, attempting to joke a bit again, and grinned. But her grin wasn't a full one. In fact Thabisa thought she probably should listen to other people's judgment more. Thabisa had learned to shut out everyone else's opinions and words ever since she was a kid, and only listened to her parents and the people they told Thabisa to listen to. Thabisa wouldn't let her fear get to her, and that applied to every other feeling as well. But in the end here Thabisa was, still scared shitless every night, so it was about time to throw that plan out the window and try something else, eh?
If only it was that easy...

"And what now? Is this it? You just point me to the next professional to try and see if they can find magical bullshit in my brain?"
Thabisa asked, raising a brow slightly. She wasn't about to let the hopes she had let rise just a little bit rise any higher. Thabisa was expecting the most probably outcome, that the tests or whatever they'd do to her wouldn't work, and Thabisa would be left in the dark along with her monsters. Well, that would also mean the possibility of her being crazy would remain.
 

Romi

Secretly a Bird
Administrator
Supporter
Jun 18, 2015
10,109
Gender
Female
Pronouns
She/Her
Posting Status
Irregularly
"I can provide you with some resources," Valli said. "It's not an area of expertise of mine, but I can point you to some people who might be able to look into things. Magic might not work on you directly, but there may be some amount of workaround for that. They'd have to check, in order to rule out options."

He didn't want to speak too much more of that, afraid of giving her false hope or misleading information. Instead he stood up, heading back for his desk and sorting through some papers before drawing out a number of business cards and noting the numbers all down.

"Any of these people might be able to help, or at least point you in the right direction. I think we covered a lot of ground today, and you have a few things to think of. I think reconvening in a week or two would be a good plan, if that's something that fits your schedule?"
 
Forgot your password?